tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53698121926231323912024-03-13T11:54:14.466-04:00American DramedyA blog that's part personal narrative, part social commentary, all nerd, and all me. Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.comBlogger125125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-16173908018829624142023-08-13T19:21:00.035-04:002023-08-13T19:46:07.372-04:00I Tried One of Those Olive Oil Coffees from SBux So You Don't Have To<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">I pretty much can't function until I've had caffeine in the morning. I can muddle through a routine (like getting up, feeding the cats, and driving to the train station), but don't ask me to make any complex decisions without at least a little coffee. This includes, in fact, ordering coffee. </span><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Because today, I accidentally ordered one of those <a href="https://stories.starbucks.com/press/2023/introducing-starbucks-oleato-a-revolutionary-new-coffee-ritual/" target="_blank">olive oil drinks from Starbucks</a> that they announced a while ago. A friend of mine saw them at the fancy tasting room in April, but I hadn't realized they'd made it to the wild yet. Granted, I live in the PNW (that's "Pacific Northwest" for the uninitiated), so maybe it's still being tested?<br /><br />Anyway, I was in the drive-through at the start of a morning of errands, and when I saw that a "<b>NEW!</b>" drink had both oatmilk and "toffeenut," I told the barista that took my order I'd "try that new Oleato shaken espresso." I love oatmilk in coffee, and I figured a "toffeenut" syrup would be fairly close to the pistachio flavor that is and always shall be my favorite (and I've tried asking at so many different locations and they claim they don't have the syrup year-round, so ya' girl's gotta substitute).</span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><b>(Just a heads up, I'm going talk about swallowing and mouthfeel in the next paragraph. Go ahead and "heh" all you want.)</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">I took my first huge gulp from the straw and wasn't wrong: the combination of the oatmilk and syrup did taste fairly close to a pistachio latte, if less flavorful overall - I could still taste that signature "burnt/overroasted" note that is in all SBux drinks that are lower on the additive/syrup-side (which is one of the reasons the pistachio is my fav, it totally masks that). In that split second, I figured I'd take a few sips to give me the energy I needed to get through my errands, then I'd just add some sweet cream to it when I got home. But almost immediately after swallowing, before the coffee was even down my esophagus, I was taken aback by an almost buttery flavor, instead. And the last moment the coffee was between the roof of my mouth and tongue, there was a greasy mouthfeel that was unexpected, unwelcome, and bizarre. I would have spit it out again if it wasn't already past the point of no return (and if I had had somewhere to do it, considering I was in my car). </span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx8vZFOOv5F2Ilm0GRptDXP4w0C0MIZfjs3avaaovo5mL64ya_ftoYKCf-Vt5BhYvRQSONDM_v0YNnghve0zYV7UwHrXflduq24rpcCzfn_JdNhJazaP4y5Hj4HKGmNkDFsamgIo8HUR9yJJHeQdaoiyTI0hhf8Gj9--z5J-UJ2I-yjDGixAEg843UNk4/s431/Baby%20Drink.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="431" data-original-width="320" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx8vZFOOv5F2Ilm0GRptDXP4w0C0MIZfjs3avaaovo5mL64ya_ftoYKCf-Vt5BhYvRQSONDM_v0YNnghve0zYV7UwHrXflduq24rpcCzfn_JdNhJazaP4y5Hj4HKGmNkDFsamgIo8HUR9yJJHeQdaoiyTI0hhf8Gj9--z5J-UJ2I-yjDGixAEg843UNk4/s320/Baby%20Drink.webp" width="238" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Basically how I felt</span></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br />And then, the aftertaste went from a little buttery to... a lot buttery. Like popcorn the way I eat it, meaning with at least a 1/4 stick of butter melted and tossed onto it. The nuttiness from the syrup was still there, so it wasn't <i>just</i> butter, but it wasn't really pleasant. </span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Still, you know how when there's an olfactory experience that's not <i style="font-weight: bold;">entirely</i> unpleasant, you go in for more? Like a weird or unexpected candle scent that you put down, then reach for again a few times, or a sauce with a single ingredient that maybe doesn't quite jive with everything else but also doesn't render it inedible? That's how this coffee was. It wasn't terrible, it wasn't undrinkable, but it was weird, like the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncanny_valley" target="_blank">Uncanny Valley</a> of coffees. So I drank some more. And then I noticed a few slimy, green-tinted blobs on the lid, and I honest to Bob groaned, "Oh NOOOO! I ordered that olive oil stuff!" alone, to myself, in my car, because I was so upset about this turn of events.</span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">I thought of the friends I'd talked to about it months ago, how we'd all agreed it was a resounding, "NO THANK YOU!" in:re olive oil in our coffee. And I wasn't sure if they'd laugh with or at me, mostly because I honestly wasn't sure which of those <i><b>I</b></i> was yet. </span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">And then, I thought of, of all people, my gorram therapist. And figured she'd tell me to either keep drinking it as-is, or add stuff to it later (like I'd already thought about doing) to make it work for me. No, she and I don't discuss my food or beverage choices on a regular basis, but how I handle upsetting and unexpected events? All the time. So... I decided to stick it out. In the name of that sweet little old lady that gets my fucked up sense of humor. (You bet your ass I'm telling her this story next session.)</span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">And the more I drank, the less off-putting it was. Like an acquired taste, I suppose. I even found I kind of <i>liked</i> it, if you can believe it. And I ended up finishing most of it off by the time I got home, to my own surprise. </span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">But. And I won't go into details, but the whole thing that brought this coffee up with my friends in our group chat was when one of us dropped <a href="https://www.today.com/food/news/starbucks-oleato-olive-oil-coffee-stomach-issues-rcna78405?cid=sm_npd_td_fb_ma&fbclid=IwAR1axkkS7JppVs9bmcyQjsQSYf0aorzMkGwku8xu7idyTjfv_Qx2ilsVzfc" target="_blank">this story</a> in the chat. And for some reason, I'd forgotten about it all morning, until I pulled up in my apartment parking lot. And it hit me. Like, SUPER hard, and SUPER fast. </span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEjX6GMOaGRS6AcxZBk1dDuvY5NA0HkHzNuJn7A8XaenGgVuIMnSmeoGXPRfz3twpCQ9RRt6U_rdi7peJxNzhQkw0n4QRz5huklxxv8K7luSWThWepSRgsv7IJIn2YiA8s-Log1L6HWyXttJktCJVnaTN2WJL-l4lNE0ziYxgMGS4gDYAXziRM4kyIyBI/s500/Ruh%20Roh.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="365" data-original-width="500" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEjX6GMOaGRS6AcxZBk1dDuvY5NA0HkHzNuJn7A8XaenGgVuIMnSmeoGXPRfz3twpCQ9RRt6U_rdi7peJxNzhQkw0n4QRz5huklxxv8K7luSWThWepSRgsv7IJIn2YiA8s-Log1L6HWyXttJktCJVnaTN2WJL-l4lNE0ziYxgMGS4gDYAXziRM4kyIyBI/s320/Ruh%20Roh.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Ruh-roh, indeed</span></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>I'm usually a take-all-the-bags-at-once kinda person, but I just ran upstairs with my keys and purse and the bag of library books I'd had in the front seat; the rest was just going to have to wait. This was an emergency. And I of course dropped my keys when I was trying to open the door. And I audibly wailed when I had to jump over the Chewy box in our doorway. Which then led to another audible cry, since I pulled my back a few days ago and was almost, <i>almost </i>back to normal; but that little leap hit just the wrong way, so I just rolled back about a day-and-a-half's worth of progress. But I kept going, because I had no choice. Again, this was an emergency, bad back be damned (literally, damn my back!).</span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Did I make it? I guess that depends on your definition of "make it," now doesn't it?</span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM5sf8JM4azVLyiBjoyxu30Yv07AkUFj36kqYO6VJ7UkuT2BZhYcHgTz_qbuPHnp-izgPpwh5Q5lzzPofgJb914qEC_PP3PvYmCSJpMl29Zq0LaDwzxgFep-wRW4GzX4aeCW9Dnzqe3riyWT1_MBfXerARjOKg8UWk4QfjombxP0RUSFnEqQJVc3QYIG0/s640/Alexis%20Confused.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM5sf8JM4azVLyiBjoyxu30Yv07AkUFj36kqYO6VJ7UkuT2BZhYcHgTz_qbuPHnp-izgPpwh5Q5lzzPofgJb914qEC_PP3PvYmCSJpMl29Zq0LaDwzxgFep-wRW4GzX4aeCW9Dnzqe3riyWT1_MBfXerARjOKg8UWk4QfjombxP0RUSFnEqQJVc3QYIG0/s320/Alexis%20Confused.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">You, right now</span></td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br />So, I can confirm, even though I'd had a perfectly good morning movement, I still had to make a mad dash to the toilet about two hours after my first sip of this concoction. </span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">And what upset me the most as I eventually went back downstairs to unload the car was how I'd gone through all that, and the damn drink couldn't even hide the shit quality of the coffee they serve up. I mean, come on. If I'm going to have a bathroom emergency <i>and</i> re-tweak my back over some overpriced coffee, it should at least taste amazing, not like it has been sitting in the office decanter, with the coffee maker still in the "on" setting all gorram day. <br /><br />But of course, after I was done unloading and putting everything away... I finished it. Because I am, at the end of the day, weak. I'm not proud of me, either. Not my best moment. But it was coffee, and it was there. I didn't even bother adding anything to it, either. Not sure why, maybe I subconsciously figured that was the punishment I deserved for finishing it?</span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">This, by the way, is a picture I took of the cup after I tossed the ice.</span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg9ddtUURYt3Q_lb-LdyICll-ysDJ2SFnj0_gaDYenDMSg_pFZO7LB06ZkUNSsul0pZ8XgM-fIOcrS1XEUVBLgFUYnYjaDExxu1NLXIowfmdJA5ls-8JvrcNBc2lmGVU4sHISFYpjuGAjXxjgfTenvV3C942YCXJzMcBzMPrrDOy7gq45CthQe411586RI" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg9ddtUURYt3Q_lb-LdyICll-ysDJ2SFnj0_gaDYenDMSg_pFZO7LB06ZkUNSsul0pZ8XgM-fIOcrS1XEUVBLgFUYnYjaDExxu1NLXIowfmdJA5ls-8JvrcNBc2lmGVU4sHISFYpjuGAjXxjgfTenvV3C942YCXJzMcBzMPrrDOy7gq45CthQe411586RI" width="180" /></a></div><br />Look at that.</span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRCCpubamX7s99ASFE7wUteIZMHvUB-eIS_X76GbjARxPY1LELv3DG5fnybpFxRuO4kbDzIn1dBzVrnN7dZUJJ5EALnKj4rs2iiGWkWCaxVpX9gBpoukCDuSJH7KAyV8-BvADMxL-2R_YfJ9oZfkQzpCtAXz4BzMr8Th4Qa669XQc_AophMRefdpEizqM/s640/Alexis%20Ew.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRCCpubamX7s99ASFE7wUteIZMHvUB-eIS_X76GbjARxPY1LELv3DG5fnybpFxRuO4kbDzIn1dBzVrnN7dZUJJ5EALnKj4rs2iiGWkWCaxVpX9gBpoukCDuSJH7KAyV8-BvADMxL-2R_YfJ9oZfkQzpCtAXz4BzMr8Th4Qa669XQc_AophMRefdpEizqM/s320/Alexis%20Ew.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">You, again</span></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br />Whose ungodly idea was this? What sociopath decided to add olive oil to lattes and shaken espresso? Why on <i style="font-weight: bold;">EARTH</i> would anybody think this was a good idea?</span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">(Note: The above questions are rhetorical. I don't give a shit what the actual answers are.)</span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">If you've read this far, I appreciate you sticking with me. Take my advice. Do not get any of these "Oleato" drinks. I repeat.</span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><b>DO NOT ORDER THE OLEATO DRINKS</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Your bowels will thank me later. </span></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Unless you're constipated. In which case, your bowels will thank me for entirely different reasons. </span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div>Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-46718304151082715792021-08-08T17:59:00.008-04:002021-08-09T01:24:15.015-04:00'Doubt thou the stars are fire. Doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar. But never doubt I love.'<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">i. <i>Introduction</i></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">I haven’t <s>ranted </s> blogged in a while, and I was inspired last
month when I watched <i><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5690810/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_3">Ophelia</a></i>
for the first time. I say “first,” because I watched it again after reading <i>Hamlet</i>
again, ‘natch. And I say “again” because I’ve been a big fan of ol’ Willy
Shakes since I was a kiddo, watching that old HBO series <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shakespeare:_The_Animated_Tales">Shakespeare:
The Animated Tales</a></i>. So I’ve read <i>Hamlet</i> probably a dozen times
over the course of my life, <b>not</b> including when I read it in high school.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Anyway, I was expecting <i>Ophelia</i> to be an absolute dumpster
fire of a movie, but instead, I… loved it? I mean, I wouldn’t have watched it a
second time if I hadn’t enjoyed it, right? But I don’t want to get to ahead of myself,
here.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">ii. <i>Plot Summary</i></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">You’re probably thinking, “But lo, why wouldst I require a
sumnation when the basest of bacon-fed is privy to the tragedie of Lord Hamlet!”
<br />
<br />
To which I’d reply, “Fie! Thou dost underestimate the power of artistic
liberty!”</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Anyway, so yeah, the plot of <i>Ophelia</i> does differ from
<i>Hamlet </i>enough that a brief rundown is necessary, IMO, otherwise when I
say “when suchansuch happenes," you’ll get confused, since it <i>didn’t </i>happen
in the play. I’ll just list the important differences to make it quick, since the
important beats of the original play are, for the most part, in there. Thusly,</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">-Ophelia is one of Gertrude’s ladies in waiting (after being
mistaken for a boy as a kid).<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">-There’s a woman in the woods that ends up being the source
of every tonic and poison throughout. She has a deep connection to the royal
family (I’ll save that for later).<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">-Ophelia is the one who figures out Claudius killed the king
and tells Hamlet.<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">-Hamlet and Ophelia have a secret marriage in the
countryside and spend their days dressed as peasants together.<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">-Ophelia drinks a potion that “mimics death, but mocks it”
in order to feign drowning in the river. Horatio digs her up and she goes back
to the palace to try to get Hamlet to run away, but he insists on doing the swordfight
first, promising he’ll “follow” her. (We know what happens to him once he goes
into the room with Laertes, so….)<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">-Ophelia escapes to a convent in the north and raises her
(and presumably Hamlet’s) daughter in peace.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">
I.i. <i>As Film</i></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Any adaptation of a pre-existing story, whether it be from
the typically central character’s perspective or not, is going to have bits and
reveals that are to be expected, or at least that come about in a sort of, “Oh,
so <i>that’s</i> how they’re doing it here,” way. <i>Ophelia</i> is chock-full
of the latter. And I can’t separate my love of Shakespeare from my feelings for
this movie, no, but here’s the thing: I’ve always loved the play <i>Hamlet</i>,
but up until recently, I found Ophelia the character exhausting, not to mention
patriarchally boring. What I mean is, she has absolutely zero agency and is
entirely at the mercy of the men surrounding her the whole time, and then she
dies, and Hamlet is sad, and Laertes is sad, and…. She was fridge stuffed way
before Gail Simone coined the term, is what I’m saying.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">I started warming to her a few years ago when I saw the
National Theatre Live rendition of <i><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4476736/">Hamlet<span style="font-style: normal;"> starring Benedict Cumberbatch</span></a></i> in a movie theater. The
actress that played Ophelia, Sian Brook, totally broke my heart during the
scene where she gives everyone flowers and sings for the loss of her father and
Hamlet’s affection (IV.v). Her performance helped me grow up a little and see
Ophelia more as a victim of her circumstances than just a lazily/stereotypically-written
character. The tragedy of the original version of Ophelia is that because she
was born a woman, she really <i>couldn’t</i> do anything for herself.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Obviously, <i>Ophelia</i> flips that. Here, she’s an active
participant in her story- <i>her</i> story, not Hamlet’s, nor that of any of
the other men around her. And Daisy Ridley is utterly breathtaking in the depth
and wit she demonstrates. There are subtle flickers of her eyes, turns of one
corner of her mouth that say so much more than Shakespeare ever let Ophelia
say.</span></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfTbUcTs9_VAmU9gbwJX-ONsxC2iETGJODnYYWWkDAarKdiAa5i03l7U63xfQ5zXKd6ksK6NIEOHZKZ3NGC7xIUFlGCIWG5dIc2p00hC7tVz0FnDPEYz9MdhuC65Aq9_om3-Qs67l0VLc/s598/WIth+Gertrude.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="598" data-original-width="598" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfTbUcTs9_VAmU9gbwJX-ONsxC2iETGJODnYYWWkDAarKdiAa5i03l7U63xfQ5zXKd6ksK6NIEOHZKZ3NGC7xIUFlGCIWG5dIc2p00hC7tVz0FnDPEYz9MdhuC65Aq9_om3-Qs67l0VLc/w400-h400/WIth+Gertrude.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is during her "madness" scene; the way she looks<br />at Gertrude, what she says- I do think she genuinely<br />cares for her; when she says, "...daisies, the day's eye. All-seeing.<br />Someone sees you," I think she earnestly means she, Ophelia,<br />sess how Gertrude is hurting.</td></tr></tbody></table><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Naomi Watts as Gertrude (and another character- we’ll get
there) and George MacKay as Hamlet also were wonderful. George exuded a passion
and longing for Daisey that felt like it belonged in <i>Outlander</i>, and
Watts is never not impressive in anything. I even adored Devon Terell as Horatio,
the steadfast and utterly Good friend to Hamlet- he has a gentleness about him
that screams compassion and intelligence. Clive Owen plays Claudius, and I’ll
get to what I liked about that in a while, too.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">They did an excellent job of giving the castle its own
personality. In the primary source material, Hamlet knows everyone is watching
him and, when portrayed well, his sense of claustrophobia seeps out into the
theater. There was a similar feeling here- every time our girl and Hamlet steal
a kiss, it feels like someone is going to walk up to them and catch them at any
moment. When things start to go downhill, you can really feel how unsafe the
castle is for our heroine, Hamlet, and Horatio.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">The score is also wonderful and perfectly fits with the mood
and tone they were going for. In the first few seconds of the movie, when
Ridley starts the introductory voiceover and right as the title card pops up, a
woman starts softly chanting these lines from <i>Hamlet</i>:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Doubt thou the stars are fire<br /></span></i><i><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Doubt that the sun doth move<br /></span></i><i><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Doubt truth to be a liar<br />But never doubt I love</span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> </span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">-II.ii.</span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">It’s the first part of the love letter from Hamlet to
Ophelia that Polonius reads aloud everybody when they’re trying to figure out
what Hamlet’s deal is. This refrain, this haunting chanting, permeates the
soundtrack and echoes in the background constantly throughout the movie, and it’s
a beautiful, loving touch. I’ll get to the fact that it’s a woman/women
chanting it later, but suffice to say, when I first realized what it was, I
literally gasped and put my hand over my heart like some Victorian socialite. Below is the score from the big climax of the movie, and it demonstrates perfectly the intensity and emotion.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/g8SBmCLSkSM" title="YouTube video player" width="560"></iframe>
</span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">All this- my predisposition towards anything Shakespeare-adjacent,
the old-story-through-a-woman’s-eyes, the superb acting, the setting, and the score-
all this meant I cared. I cared so much for these characters. Maybe moreso
because I knew what was going to happen, I can admit that. But man, was I invested
in the melodrama taking place on the screen, and have cried both times I’ve
watched this movie.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">I.ii. <i>As Shakespeare Adaptation</i></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Of course, this isn’t anything close to a true adaptation. But
I think a lot of the haters online (and if you look for them, you’ll find them)
aren’t giving the creatives behind it (Lisa Klein, the original book’s author;
Semi Chellas, the screenplay writer; and Claire McCarthy, the director) enough
credit for how they so skillfully wove pieces of the original into this movie,
nor for how their original dialogue was just as smart and clever as Willy
Shakes’s, without being so high-brow you’d need a “<a href="https://www.sparknotes.com/shakespeare/">No-Fear-Ophelia</a>” to help you
understand.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Take, for example, how in II.ii., Hamlet says to Polonius
(after the latter asks if he recognizes him, since Hamlet has been acting weird
lately), “Excellent well; you are a fishmonger.” (Meaning, “Sure! You sell
fish!”) Then chew on this dialogue the first time Ophelia and Hamlet speak as
adults; Ophelia is swimming in a quiet portion of the river when Hamlet and
Horatio approach, ready to go fishing:<br />
<br />
HAMLET: [<i>upon seeing</i> OPHELIA] A wondrous fish indeed inhabits the grove!<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">OPHELIA: [</span><i style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">ducked so just the tops of her shoulders and
head are visible</i><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">] The fish would like to come ashore!<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">HAMLET: Oh, the fish is very welcome!<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">OPHELIA: No fish comes willingly to the fisherman.<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">HORATIO: My Lord, it’s one of the queen’s ladies in waiting.<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">HAMLET: Well then she will not mind </span><i style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">waiting</i><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> ‘til I catch a fish.<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">OPHELIA: Of all of the ladies, I’m least fond of waiting.<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">[OPHELIA</span><i style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> moves a little closer, as if to come out of the
water, but stops</i><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">]<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">OPHELIA: There are two sides struggling in you. One is baser, one better.<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">HAMLET: She tells my fortune, Horatio!<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">OPHELIA: My Lord, it is your </span><i style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">mis</i><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">fortune.<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">[</span><i style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">the two men kind of wrestle and end up falling in the
water; while they’re distracted, </i><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">OPHELIA</span><i style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> runs away</i><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">]<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">HAMLET: ‘Tis a quick fish, Horatio!</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">It’s an absolutely delightful scene that sets up not only
the “fishmonger” thing later, but becomes sort of a running line between the
two- Hamlet tells her “a fish needs water” when offering her wine at a dance, shouts,
“Nymph! where is your water!” when he realizes she’s in the room with him later
still, and they finally tie in an overt “fishmonger” reference during the “play”
scene when he says Polonius has “come to sell me some fish” and comments about
Ophelia, “And what a lovely fish it is.”</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">There is also a lot of dialogue that is utterly poetic and
beautiful, and could fit in well with Willy Shakes’s work. For example, when
Hamlet sees Ophelia alive, after thinking she was dead, he says to her as he
caresses her face, “You’re like a dream I had… when I woke, it was true…” (literally
tearing up thinking about it, kids).</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">And there are <b><i>tons</i></b> of examples where the
original dialogue directly influences that of the movie. For example, in I.ii.,
when everyone is giving Hamlet a hard time for still wearing mourning colors
for his father:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">CLAUDIUS: ‘Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">To give these mourning duties to your father:<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">But, you must know, your father lost a father;<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">That father lost, lost his; and the survivor bound,<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">In filial obligation, for some term<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">To do so obsequious sorrow: but to persever<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">In obstinate condolement is a course<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Of impious stubbornness; ‘tis unmanly grief…</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">And in the film:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">
CLAUDIUS: His father lost a father once, who was my father also. We were ever
men about it</span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">The writers took the insincerely saccharine dialogue and
characterization in the primary source material and turned Claudius into a dark,
bruting menace, while still allowing his speech to be a bit poetic.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Or how they trimmed down both Laertes’s long speech in I.iii.,
warning Ophelia about Hamlet’s advances, and (right after) Polonius’s to
Laertes as he advises his son on how to behave before leaving to study in
France. Both are a lot of dialogue, so I won’t recount them here, but suffice
to say, they took around one hundred lines on the page and turned it into about
ten while still <i>absolutely</i> remaining true to the spirit of the original lines.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">There are all sorts of other examples, a few of which I’ll
get to later.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">One last thing: I’m sure you noticed the “secret wedding”
and “potion that fakes death” parts of my summary. Well, yeah, they did those
things, no doubt taking inspiration from the other play every high schooler has
to read, <i>Romeo and Juliet</i>. They leaned into the “star-crossed lovers”
aspect here, moreso than is present in <i>Hamlet</i>. While sure, Gertrude is
less than thrilled to talk to Ophelia after she loses her mind (IV.v.), she
does say when they’re burying the girl that she had hoped Hamlet would have
married her (V.i.); although the sincerity of the latter can be called into
question, of course, since people do tend to be more generous to others in
death than while they’re still alive. But anyway, the encouragement for them to
be apart in the play seemingly stems just from Hamlet’s erratic behavior
throughout the course of the play’s events, not as a categorical state. In <i>Ophelia</i>,
however, there’s one brief moment where Polonius is excited about the courtship,
since it would elevate their family, but the rest of it is basically everyone
else in the castle (except, of course, Horatio) actively trying to keep them
apart- including Polonius himself later when he insists Ophelia get married off
post-haste.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">So the team making this movie fostered an environment more
actively against the pairing of our girl and Hamlet, and used that conflict to
draw parallels with <i>Romeo and Juliet </i>whenever possible. As such, their sneaking
around makes all the more sense here, since they (and Horatio!) were the only
ones actually invested in their happiness.</span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">I.iii. <i>As Art Adaptation</i></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">The opening scene from the movie is an overt and direct
homage to one of the most famous paintings of the titular character, that of <i>Ophelia</i>
by John Everett Millais. Here’s the painting:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> </span></o:p></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGWLnJ43XVx0hedqcMVJLULOS3uFSdqRwanDJBCQM9LF3Ww71Yh6QeCAFvOPxwp3LC4be7uKKA-VJwAWwoqGI2JICEybg0YA2yvd3otNFt4Nb4ZhUeOKRdGMkL9qMKn1AzxXpQ-aC1_qk/s272/Ophelia+Everett+Miilaise.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="185" data-original-width="272" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGWLnJ43XVx0hedqcMVJLULOS3uFSdqRwanDJBCQM9LF3Ww71Yh6QeCAFvOPxwp3LC4be7uKKA-VJwAWwoqGI2JICEybg0YA2yvd3otNFt4Nb4ZhUeOKRdGMkL9qMKn1AzxXpQ-aC1_qk/w400-h272/Ophelia+Everett+Miilaise.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(1851-52)</td></tr></tbody></table><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">And here’s the opening shot:</span></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPPMfatgbN5WfMn1cUTBk-tyLQ0Wl7-zXSVa7NHEXwU6_IzDmV5IBQrB6323WGZcDaqt6h8URx6OKxC3FxX2f1lcb2cUSudeyaE_jYm1n-um_quQdWs6IEyHARF6DBwWphvXCEGQE2K0M/s300/Ophelia+in+River.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="300" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPPMfatgbN5WfMn1cUTBk-tyLQ0Wl7-zXSVa7NHEXwU6_IzDmV5IBQrB6323WGZcDaqt6h8URx6OKxC3FxX2f1lcb2cUSudeyaE_jYm1n-um_quQdWs6IEyHARF6DBwWphvXCEGQE2K0M/w400-h224/Ophelia+in+River.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See it?</td></tr></tbody></table><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">And that’s not the only painting referenced. I find it very,
very hard to believe that the 1910 painting by John Williams Waterhouse wasn’t
an additional influence in the imagery. The color scheme of her the majority of
her clothes evokes the third Waterhouse painting with its deep teal blue, but
the red on the sleeves in the painting is alluded to with her cloak, and the
gold on the shoulders is represented in her dress during a ball scene:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> </span></o:p></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDZHWiPhM6WAxTUJHITpjcnhn69Z-nOInSNUx-bUtzCvAY_PSsCd36kyfAXi_iZunafqPJ2Or9jbsliU2mnSqDPI5d7xxsPByiJQNuX-yhWgkeQ6PtA8MLeaZ0vwcfNNF9BTDOfMAy2Fw/s282/JWH+Ophelia.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="282" data-original-width="179" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDZHWiPhM6WAxTUJHITpjcnhn69Z-nOInSNUx-bUtzCvAY_PSsCd36kyfAXi_iZunafqPJ2Or9jbsliU2mnSqDPI5d7xxsPByiJQNuX-yhWgkeQ6PtA8MLeaZ0vwcfNNF9BTDOfMAy2Fw/w254-h400/JWH+Ophelia.jpg" width="254" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He actually made three<br />but this is the one I think<br />they looked at the most</td></tr></tbody></table><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPCGLdWTDtKO7xX2Xo63SAXrJXUcr1R9e9O_ieBzi8YfW2yyjxozNKiOaK4QNaHGeMRo7wfsmGN51C_ruey3MgbJjTDgw8J0YZLKZmUA7PZHNGNVSlHK6K6wSsDYIhl_21t8ywP3uqN2k/s275/At+the+Dance.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPCGLdWTDtKO7xX2Xo63SAXrJXUcr1R9e9O_ieBzi8YfW2yyjxozNKiOaK4QNaHGeMRo7wfsmGN51C_ruey3MgbJjTDgw8J0YZLKZmUA7PZHNGNVSlHK6K6wSsDYIhl_21t8ywP3uqN2k/w400-h266/At+the+Dance.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is her dress at the dance- notice the gold <br />brocade, not unlike the JWH painting</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">
<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiigR9wAm1ItkzW8rMHUFMVoOhQ4NiKK6u3UGoKoj7Bl-xA4-EEXHy948NqFH3WznLsANH7FQJky7zbc2_X2REyOsjqyi8Rn8wkASUTUQoHUp1xaQVBgES2Uv_GPbsEacDrjgH84NpSClQ/s300/In+cloak.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="300" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiigR9wAm1ItkzW8rMHUFMVoOhQ4NiKK6u3UGoKoj7Bl-xA4-EEXHy948NqFH3WznLsANH7FQJky7zbc2_X2REyOsjqyi8Rn8wkASUTUQoHUp1xaQVBgES2Uv_GPbsEacDrjgH84NpSClQ/w400-h224/In+cloak.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The dress underneath is the main one she wears, and the red<br />cloak there speaks to that same painting</td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">And if you just Google Image search “Ophelia paintings,” you’ll
see that she’s frequently painted with red hair, despite no mention of her hair
color in the primary source; and of course, they put Daisy in a (kind of
crappy, ngl) red wig for this movie. Her hair could have been any other color,
but I think the red was to signify the whole “fiery personality” thing with her,
how she refused to be a pawn or to walk any path forced on her. And in that
image above where she’s dressed up for the ball, just <i>look </i>at how frizzy
that wig is- it’s also a lot like the John William Waterhouse painting.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">You’ll also notice how in so many of those paintings that
she’s depicted with flowers in her hair. Her connection to flowers comes from
her final (living) scene (IV.v.) when she gives flowers to Claudius, Gertrude,
and Laertes after losing her mind, and then when Gertrude describes how she died
(IV.vii.), saying Ophelia had made floral wreaths and was trying to hang one on
a branch when she fell in the water, but didn’t try to save herself and let her
gowns cause her to sink. She’s never described in the play as wearing any
(although in truth, Shakespeare’s plays had very little actual stage directions
in them), and a lot of productions don’t even give her flowers to hand out
during her madness scene- the imaginary gifting is meant to emphasize how she
has lost her mind. <br />
<br />
The first time we see Ophelia as an adult, she has flowers in her hair, though.
And she demonstrates some herbal knowledge during a scene with Hamlet the first
time he’s home from school (that we see- presumably he comes home every year,
but this is the first time he sees her As a Woman, so…), where she describes belladonna
as “the most deadly nightshade” to him, and then later when she describes what
each flower is for as she hands them out (which yes, she did this latter thing
in the play, too). But something I adored here was those flowers in her hair,
she stops wearing them soon after we first see them- she overhears the other
ladies in waiting gossiping about her, how she wears flowers instead of jewels
because her father is common and can’t afford to give her fancy adornments; she
takes them out of her hair as she brings in water for Gertrude’s bath. When Gertrude
sees them and assumes they’re for her bath, Ophelia’s main antagonist among the
other ladies of course jumps in and acts like it was her idea. <br />
<br />
But! Ophelia then puts a long red ribbon in her hair instead of flowers, and during
that same scene where she tells Hamlet about belladonna, he snatches it as she
gets up and walks away, and it becomes his token, something we figure out later
he’s carried with him every day since, even after going back to school. And another
way they rework the source material is instead of “staring” at her in her own
chamber (II.i.), he follows her into <i>Gertrude’s</i> chamber- he had intervened
when she was dealing with some unruly/horny guards, and when she tells him she
was not “in need of saving,” he tries to apologize for making her feel used the
previous summer when he was home from school. She doesn’t really accept said apology,
so he storms into the room in front of Gertrude and the other ladies in waiting
and throws the ribbon at Ophelia’s feet. And <i>this</i> is what causes her to
forgive him- seeing that he kept it with him for nigh a year: she picks it up
when the other ladies aren’t looking and clutches it to her chest.</span></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNOe7VDx7DExOFIP8FZomXUGR8qncTaChbsyqpfAz6QVIFdXW7It9sKL6ZNs8wNYpNlqZdmbHRGskffAJGLn-Vn24P5PPcvSGzT-n1m7SR8htYxlY6WloLSeq3tBiCY4KLTHmN1yWiHdM/s1280/Ribbon.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNOe7VDx7DExOFIP8FZomXUGR8qncTaChbsyqpfAz6QVIFdXW7It9sKL6ZNs8wNYpNlqZdmbHRGskffAJGLn-Vn24P5PPcvSGzT-n1m7SR8htYxlY6WloLSeq3tBiCY4KLTHmN1yWiHdM/w400-h225/Ribbon.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the belladonna scene; also LOOK AT <br />HOW ADORINGLY HE'S STARING AT HER</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">So either way, what is in her hair matters to the story,
while also referencing other depictions of Ophelia, and I loved it.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">II.i. <i>Feminism in a Patriarchal World</i></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">This movie definitely strives to bring feminist themes and
ideas into a story that’s usually patriarchal. There’s dialogue that is overtly
feminist, to boot. For example, in the beginning, when Gertrude meets her for
the first time, after having mistaken Ophelia for a boy and everyone says “alas”
about her presentation:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">OPHELIA: I may be a lass, but there’s no need for such
alassing. I would not want to be a lad.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">(This is also another example of the pseudo-Shakespearean
dialogue, amirite???)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> </span></o:p><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Much later, during the
scene where they officially “get together,” so to speak, the following happens:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">HAMLET: Fickle… My mother is like all women. Fickle, frail.<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">OPHELIA: My Lord, you are most unjust. Frailty in love is
not a habit of my sex. Perhaps it runs in families.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Both are small bits of dialogue, but they are direct
statements about how women are more than their stereotypes, and the women in
this movie, at least the three main ones, definitely prove themselves as such.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">And Ophelia’s own madness (IV.v.) is in fact Ophelia acting
the part in order to get away from Claudius. Earlier in the film, she had told
Horatio never to dig her up for an anatomy lesson, but very pointedly insists
he do so “while her body is still warm” in this scene. (Shout out to Devon
Terell for the look on his face here.) In other words, what in the primary
source material was a “poor girl” driven mad by the men around her, Ophelia in <i>Ophelia</i>
actually <i>pretends</i> to go mad so she can take charge of her situation. There’s
even a brief moment before she enters the room with everyone where she closes
her eyes and takes a deep breath, as if to prepare herself, much the same way a
performer about to go onstage would.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">We also have that chanting in the background- sure, in the
original, they’re Hamlet’s words (and read aloud by another man, Polonius), but
here, they’re repeated sometimes by one woman, others by a chorus of women. Not
only does it somewhat evoke a Greek chorus, but it sort of claims those ideas
and sentiments as Ophelia’s. Since the movie is from her perspective, it stands
to reason the music is, too. Sure, I knew what the words were from the start,
but that’s why it was such a surprise to me- what an absolutely brilliant way
to weave direct lines from the play into the movie while holding to the
feminist perspective.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">One of the biggest changes is the addition of the woman in
the woods. Arguably, her story is just as important as Ophelia’s, since without
it, Claudius would have had no poison and Ophelia wouldn’t have been able to
fake her death. Even the moment we find out she exists is feminist. The queen
tells Ophelia to find this woman’s hut to retrieve more of her “tonic” (that
she’s clearly addicted to), and this string of dialogue absolutely delighted
me:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">GERTRUDE: In the wood, there is a woman. Go to her tomorrow
and get more of what I need. Make sure you are not followed. No one must know. And
whatever you do, do not look upon her face.<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">OPHELIA: [excited] Because she is a witch?<br /></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">GERTRUDE: [sighs exasperatedly, rolls her eyes, pulls
Ophelia closer to her and looks her square in the eye; says firmly] She is a </span><i style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">healer</i><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgPacxoP-u_wxumEXhBJlY3Dsq8crdv_j0ldur-vhK5eTzsttODKSxk1LTN5MOKQ03cj_F3ENuei1mINg5d9qOCL5bj8aBon0h1M3MR7GgkuMIiDKf8vkaZXSBOqI0n3xun-FVzkBn4tA/s1200/NOT+A+WITCH.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="676" data-original-width="1200" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgPacxoP-u_wxumEXhBJlY3Dsq8crdv_j0ldur-vhK5eTzsttODKSxk1LTN5MOKQ03cj_F3ENuei1mINg5d9qOCL5bj8aBon0h1M3MR7GgkuMIiDKf8vkaZXSBOqI0n3xun-FVzkBn4tA/w400-h225/NOT+A+WITCH.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The very moment she says, "She's a <i>healer</i>."</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Shall we unpack that a little? I don’t think I need to go
into the history of how any woman who put one toe outside the lines of
normality could be <a href="http://www.ub.edu/duoda/diferencia/html/en/secundario7.html">accused of
being a witch</a> back in ye olde times. So I absolutely <i>loved</i> how
Gertrude refused to let Ophelia spout that same garbage. Her protectiveness
also, no doubt, stems from how the healer is her own sister, too- YUP. And as
if to emphasize this, later, the woman herself, Mechtild, warns Ophelia when
she sees how in love the girl is:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">MECHTILD: You pretend to have a broken heart. That you are
innocent and wounded. But you cannot hide your true self under ladies’ clothes.
You are wild and full of desire. They will strip you, they will judge you, and
they will find you wanting death. They will cast you to the fire. Do you know
why they called me a witch?<br />
<br />
She then goes on to tell Ophelia how she had been in love and became pregnant,
and that the town, upon finding out she miscarried out of wedlock, accused
her of bringing the devil. She knew they were going to try to burn her at the
stake, so she drank the venom/poison we hear about constantly in the movie in
order to pretend she was dead- and they bought it, declaring the “devil vanquished”
and leaving her in the middle of nowhere. So she took an antidote and fled. Importantly,
she emphasizes how she survived, but she lost her baby boy. So clearly she had
wanted to keep the baby, despite the community around her.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgfaGDrYyrCHKFZLNHTvZHufhssQ4tLuXIyUC8DeJb10aMNZHLzDCmolH5XrENuFXRJlc3lDQyTP2K63kpGJ7sXNZQ_cN1tno5-hppekyXnQP-YwqL_2ow5-xuTIxPWZQ2v9lEnH1rxAY/s1200/Mechtild+3.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1200" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgfaGDrYyrCHKFZLNHTvZHufhssQ4tLuXIyUC8DeJb10aMNZHLzDCmolH5XrENuFXRJlc3lDQyTP2K63kpGJ7sXNZQ_cN1tno5-hppekyXnQP-YwqL_2ow5-xuTIxPWZQ2v9lEnH1rxAY/w400-h266/Mechtild+3.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mechtild doesn't want what happened to her<br />to happen to Ophelia, clearly- women helping<br />women, another feminist idea!</td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Ophelia, being our smart girl, puts all of the pieces
together and ends up realizing that not only did Claudius kill the king, since
she saw him leaving Mechtild’s house the day King Hamlet died, but then finds a
vial of that poison in his cloak; she also figures out Claudius was the father
of Mechtild’s child <i>and</i> that he was the one who cried witchcraft when
she miscarried.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">This is important later, because when she confronts Claudius
about it, only then does he see her as a genuine threat and plot to get her out
of the way- he goes so far as to declare she committed treason and throws her
in a cell (she gets out, of course, because she’s a badass). Later, when
Horatio digs Ophelia up after her “death,” she has no antidote, so she goes to
Mechtild’s hut. They talk, and Ophelia tells her everything she’s figured out
about Claudius, which naturally pisses Mechtild off (she swears Claudius “shall
burn”); the healer takes Ophelia to rest and sets out to find the Norwegians hiding
in the woods. The next morning, Gertrude is in her sister’s hut and, upon
seeing her, at first thinks Ophelia is a ghost. After they talk and Ophelia
once again tells Naomi Watts (oh yeah, she plays both of them, since they’re
twins) how Claudius killed the king and betrayed her sister, Gertrude begs Ophelia
to forgive her for not standing up for her better and for being blind to Claudius’s
wickedness. It’s a really great scene, and I appreciate how it in itself
absolves Gertrude of any willful duplicity- there’s all sorts of scholarly
debate over whether she was involved in the murder of her first husband with
regards to the primary source, but here, during this conversation, it’s made
clear she didn’t know Claudius had murder on the mind.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">This interaction also demonstrates how Gertrude isn’t
stupid. While they discuss how Hamlet is about to duel with Laertes, it’s obvious
she realizes this is what Claudius wants and that he must be plotting
something. And she points out that if Ophelia comes back to the castle, Claudius
will just have her killed. And then she gets this great look in her eye, a sort
of, “Aha!” and we see that she helps Ophelia disguise herself as a man in order
to infiltrate the castle and convince Hamlet to escape.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">So then, in the final castle scene, after she’s done
screaming over the body of her dead son, Gertrude has Had Enough. In the play,
Hamlet stabs Claudius after he figures out Laertes’s blade was poisoned; in <i>Ophelia</i>,
Gertrude grabs Hamlet’s sword and runs Claudius through- literally, the sword comes
out the back of the throne. Naomi Watts is impeccable in this scene, of course,
flawless acting, and as she stares right into Claudius’s eyes with rage and
hate, her look changes to shock as she finds the vial of poison in his robes
and she understands even more. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaOvxtEwkcttRMr2Ra89JNxrw5iMt7cyxnmIXEYlC2Qjz4ABTmbt-kMJRFA7c0auYEKgpvFUhRWD7UG5hZOuTbC7CHXZL-eSoolaGw4YqhdBfhJHrVdqG4kuXPWH_w67-HnBjyt1sswjA/s400/Stabby.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="165" data-original-width="400" height="165" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaOvxtEwkcttRMr2Ra89JNxrw5iMt7cyxnmIXEYlC2Qjz4ABTmbt-kMJRFA7c0auYEKgpvFUhRWD7UG5hZOuTbC7CHXZL-eSoolaGw4YqhdBfhJHrVdqG4kuXPWH_w67-HnBjyt1sswjA/w400-h165/Stabby.gif" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Also, the art department and cinematographers<br />did an EXCELLENT job with this scene,<br />since the colors really are that contrasting. It's a blink-and-you'll-<br />miss-it effect, but the gif really shows how most of the shot is in greys<br />and whites, but the blood is RED</td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">And then who bursts in but her sister with the Norwegians!
And as the soldiers begin slaughtering everyone in the room, Gertrude drinks the
poison and dies in her sister’s arms.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">I know that felt like a lot of unnecessary summary, but the
point is to say that <i>Ophelia</i> takes the events in the play, events that
were entirely beholden to men, and makes them the direct result of the actions
of women. Instead of the Norwegians coming into the castle on a diplomatic
visit in the final moments, they storm the throne room with the help of
Mechtild- a woman seeking vengeance for how the man she had loved betrayed her
and would have let her die. And instead of Claudius getting avenged by Hamlet for
his father’s death, he’s killed by Gertrude as vengeance for her sister’s exile
and the deaths of both her former husband and son; and her death, instead of the
result of her being kind of an idiot (she just <i>really</i> wanted some wine),
is the result of an active choice when drinks the poison on purpose. And all of
this comes about because <b>Ophelia</b> is the one that pieces everything
together.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">And this is why <i>Ophelia</i> is a feminist retelling.
Remember how I said earlier that Ophelia is the one that tells Hamlet his
father was murdered by Claudius? That’s another example- it wasn’t a dead man’s
ghost that told Hamlet what happened, it was a woman, a woman whose character
in the primary source didn’t serve any purpose except to act as a foil for the
leading man and a character for the others to yank around. The whole thing with
Hamlet feigning madness/acting weird happens in <i>Ophelia</i> because <i>she</i>
told him his uncle killed his father.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">(As an aside, the scene where this happens, which in the original
is III.i., the insistence she “get to the nunnery” changes from Hamlet being
cruel to her to Hamlet trying to protect her- he realizes how dangerous the
castle is and wants her to escape, and knowing Claudius and Polonius are
spying, tells her to act afraid of him in order to help her look innocent. It’s
touching, because it removes any lingering suspicion that Hamlet was legitimately
losing it, but also demonstrates his intelligence and ability to think straight
in the middle of a hot moment.)</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">And so this is also another way the film is a lovingly Shakespearean
adaptation of a Shakespeare play- there’s some dramatic irony in that if
Ophelia hadn’t figured it out, if she hadn’t told Hamlet, maybe things could
have ended differently. But even so, as I said, Ophelia, Mechtild, and Gertrude
all rise above their stereotypes. Ophelia proves an active participant in her
story at every step of the way; Mechtild isn’t just a “witch” but a powerful herbalist
whose smarts lead to the overthrow of a kingdom; and Gertrude isn’t just the
vapid, vain woman she seems, but a fierce protector who kills for the sake of
those she has loved. And the ball really starts rolling when the women stop
being at odds with each other and instead realize the real enemy is Claudius. All
the while, the overtones and drama involved are in themselves Shakespearean.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">III.i. <i>Disclaimer and Conclusion</i></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">No, it isn’t perfect. I do find it pretty inconsistent that
Ophelia is ready to jump off the parapets when she thinks Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern had killed Hamlet (Horatio gets her to come down, bless that sweet
man), then willingly walks away when he’s about to duel with Laertes. Also,
considering Laertes is her brother, the smarter way to prevent that fight would
have been to talk to him.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">Also, I understand why the book would include the forced
marriage subplot (it’s a book, it would just need more), but in the movie, it
felt like it was only there for the purpose of setting up that opening shot where
she’s in the water in a whiteish dress. Along those lines, the fact that the
dude she was supposed to marry was kind of… well, didn’t respect consent, was
unnecessary, too. There’s enough melodrama already, the threat of sexual
violence against the women in the castle was superfluous.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">I’m also a bit disappointed we didn’t get to see more of the
relationship with Laertes. He isn’t in the play all that much to begin with,
and he’s in <i>Ophelia</i> even less, and that made me sad. Especially given
how much Hamlet genuinely cares for him in the original, and how he is
well-known and liked enough to amass a mob and threaten to overthrow the castle
after his father dies. A movie from Ophelia’s perspective is also a chance to
get more of what made Laertes such a stand-up guy, or at least show how close
they supposedly were. It doesn’t happen here, alas.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">But. I still adore it. I’d put it on the shelf right next to
<i>Ever After</i> and <i>Clueless</i>. I didn’t talk about some other themes,
like familial loyalty, motherly love, and what giving one’s word truly means
(H: I swore vengeance. O: You swore to love me and be mine. - for example!). But I’ve
rambled enough here, and I hope that, if you haven’t watched it yet, you will; or
that if you have and felt meh about it, you’ve decided maybe it wasn’t as bad
as you thought.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> </span></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;">[<i>Exeunt</i>]<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></p><p>
</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: georgia;"> </span></o:p></p>Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-90354854442474523562021-01-07T04:26:00.005-05:002021-01-07T04:26:45.201-05:00Feeling Sick<p><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">I've had this thought for a while now, and with my state <a href="https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/health/washington-state-releases-new-covid-19-vaccination-tiers-timeline-through-april/" target="_blank">announcing its vaccine schedule</a> recently, I can't sleep without putting my thoughts down. Indulge me.</span></p><p><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">Also, I know this is going to piss people off, but...</span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY0hoc-54CrRVkOtHWARk2SJdc-GHoPAZNFES8ivNEPNxmR6gG7bVrxfCFb8jPhkK0yka3kVuNqXp05armSAyOalx4HObdGUKAhb_9mW1tsPa2mxmwKoAAA1cBe0QRKiMXFYLqD6B5Om0/s400/Odette.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="224" data-original-width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY0hoc-54CrRVkOtHWARk2SJdc-GHoPAZNFES8ivNEPNxmR6gG7bVrxfCFb8jPhkK0yka3kVuNqXp05armSAyOalx4HObdGUKAhb_9mW1tsPa2mxmwKoAAA1cBe0QRKiMXFYLqD6B5Om0/s320/Odette.gif" width="320" /></a></div><p><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">Ok, so the gist is this: In the conversations and suggestions about who will get the vaccine and when (eg.<a href="https://www.cnn.com/2020/12/22/us/coronavirus-vaccine-general-public-states/index.html" target="_blank"> here</a>, <a href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/who-will-get-covid-vaccines-first-and-who-will-have-to-wait1/" target="_blank">here</a>, and even the<a href="https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/vaccines/recommendations/pregnancy.html" target="_blank"> CDC</a>), there is no mention of people in the service industry (namely retail and restaurants) and their place in the pecking order. The closest I can come by is <a href="https://www.nationalacademies.org/our-work/a-framework-for-equitable-allocation-of-vaccine-for-the-novel-coronavirus" target="_blank">this recommendation</a> from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine that people who work in gyms, banks, and hotels should be included in "Phase 3," meaning the third wave of mass vaccinations. </span></p><p><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">But nothing about servers, cooks (etc.), or cashiers outside of grocery stores and pharmacies, which are considered essential. Nobody in restaurants (which, no, are not part of the food supply chain- that's farmers and distributors, not cooks and servers). Nobody in regular retail. Nobody that was forced to work the <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/retail-workers-face-greater-risk-covid-19-shoppers-black-friday-2020-11" target="_blank">holiday season</a> because that's the nature of their industry's beast.</span></p><p><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">I'm by no means insinuating someone like me that sells lotion and candles is as, let alone more important than, say, a nurse or a firefighter. </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirZub_HmjVltoI44a159W6fWakfAS7A0inPrvQogaW5AHkg8c9UNSha5Ks-AZcP4ewZ_PhIzySLSjE8XQyAUMMigmnK7qufZN3AfVCxxJZqK1tqZJS3xrBd5-lUIi5wXgpt4fDODzeTFo/s424/obvi.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirZub_HmjVltoI44a159W6fWakfAS7A0inPrvQogaW5AHkg8c9UNSha5Ks-AZcP4ewZ_PhIzySLSjE8XQyAUMMigmnK7qufZN3AfVCxxJZqK1tqZJS3xrBd5-lUIi5wXgpt4fDODzeTFo/s320/obvi.gif" width="320" /></a></div><p><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">But the fact is, myself and countless others like me are utterly trapped. </span></p><p><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">We're hourly wage workers, some of us surviving on tips, who don't get paid if we're not there, who don't get PTO, are lucky if we earn sick time, who have to fight tooth and nail for every goddamned <b>CENT </b>over our local minimum wage. </span><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">Our jobs aren't considered "essential" writ large, but they're sure as Hell "essential" to us- and, by their nature, they physically, </span><i style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia; font-weight: bold;">literally</i><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;"> cannot be done remotely/from home. </span><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">So we're forced to go to work every day, and deal with the public- people we can't control and have no viable way of enforcing safety guidelines with, who whine and complain and find any excuse to take their mask off and get up in our space (something I hated even before there was a plague, mind you). Which means we're putting ourselves at risk the whole time.</span><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;"> And our country's safety net is too shallow and fleeting for us to "just stay home"- there has been no help with our rent (and let's be real, us wage workers don't have mortgages); <a href="https://www.cbpp.org/research/food-assistance/a-quick-guide-to-snap-eligibility-and-benefits#:~:text=The%20average%20SNAP%20benefit%20per,%241.39%20per%20person%20per%20meal.&text=*%20Estimated%20average%20benefits%20are%20based,recent%20data%20with%20this%20information." target="_blank">food aid is scant</a>, especially if you don't have children; Unemployment benefits run out, and on their own, <a href="https://bench.co/blog/operations/unemployment-benefits-by-state/" target="_blank">they aren't enough</a> for us to live off of, <a href="https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/average-rent-by-state" target="_blank">not realistically</a>, anyway. </span></p><p><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;"><br />(Also, this is a good time to remind you, the fact that the extra $600 a week meant most of us were making more money on Unemployment last summer when we were furloughed or otherwise stuck at home says more about how little we're paid on the regular <i>vis a vis</i> cost of living than our "lack of skill" or whatever the hell else was being said about us. Fuck you if you're still angry about that.)</span></p><p><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">We're risking our lives in order to pay our bills and, yeah, just <i>survive</i>. <br /><br />And again, I'm not saying my job is as dangerous as a hospital worker's, nor that it's as important as a nursing home employee's. </span></p><p><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">But I just find it terribly disheartening and, frankly, terrifying, that an entire class of people is being ignored and forgotten, and that I and the man I love are part of that group. </span></p><p><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">And even as we went back to work, nobody was talking about protecting us from shit like this:</span></p><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/vAUeIBQoQCU" width="560"></iframe></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">Or this:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/tZQXoZRO7FM" width="560"></iframe></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">And since a lot of us work for big companies that don't want to rock the boat, no matter how much we hear that "[our] safety is [their] number one priority," we're still pressured to smile (with our eyes!) and take it when customers don't comply, for fear of losing our jobs.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">Again. I'm not saying I, or anyone else in retail/the service industry "deserves" the vaccine before the elderly, before grocery store workers, before first responders. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqnL9Ju5iUGgjEMi4XgvwJziZ-cZSrWlqQcALyoD0nI7GmiYy5-KbWXIvC8ASJI3kpApQY4VvIgTjLnFtKpaON0Dnm71jseAzH6FUmaqvicPZ89zMonVITBWGlGTHaJYoXbI_WRRe3Ww4/s480/Meg.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="269" data-original-width="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqnL9Ju5iUGgjEMi4XgvwJziZ-cZSrWlqQcALyoD0nI7GmiYy5-KbWXIvC8ASJI3kpApQY4VvIgTjLnFtKpaON0Dnm71jseAzH6FUmaqvicPZ89zMonVITBWGlGTHaJYoXbI_WRRe3Ww4/s320/Meg.gif" width="320" /></a></div><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;"><br />But it would be nice, and I'd sleep a helluvalot better if someone would at least acknowledge us and admit that maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be left to fend for ourselves. That this economy needs us, too. That we have value as people. That we're <i>seen</i>. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">I feel alone. I feel scared. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">I don't want to go to work in these conditions, but I have zero choice in the matter. And because of my age and lack of complicating conditions (despite my laundry list of health problems, somehow none of them are really Covid-related), I'll be one of the last eligible for the vaccine. As will my partner, with whom I live. Even though we're out there, every day, interacting with strangers to earn our living. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;">Pardon the pun, but it makes me sick.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdNcc9UjOr_ZgR7wYlH7yqOlRe9aRNPPzyfvyFRlmvzai5AnOnIhwRXvSXbfrvbLCwB2O5V1rfxdJ18J10th45Ga9pJisBztLt1pZkrj-SjFNby-WPuRxfFRAeXDstqZiScAtP_wgCWJo/s220/Puke.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="201" data-original-width="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdNcc9UjOr_ZgR7wYlH7yqOlRe9aRNPPzyfvyFRlmvzai5AnOnIhwRXvSXbfrvbLCwB2O5V1rfxdJ18J10th45Ga9pJisBztLt1pZkrj-SjFNby-WPuRxfFRAeXDstqZiScAtP_wgCWJo/s0/Puke.gif" /></a></div><br /><span style="color: #800180; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div>Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-12543846282205885982020-06-15T21:34:00.001-04:002020-06-15T21:34:32.002-04:00Let's Do More, Let's to Better<div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><b><i><u>Prologue: A Little Social Experiment</u></i></b></font></div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia"><div style="font-size: small;"><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><font size="2">Ok, we're going to play a quick word association game. I'll leave a word for you to read, and I want you to hold tight to the first VISUAL CUE that pops in your mind in response. For example, if I say "fruit," and you picture an apple, you'd keep that appple in mind for discussion. Ready? Scroll down to the word, then scroll some more to get to the rest of this newest rant of mine. As you read, remember what popped into your head, though, ok? It's going to matter in a while, I promise. </font><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><font size="6">ACCESSIBILITY</font></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><i><u>Main Post</u></i></b></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><b><i><u><br /></u></i></b>First, a little vocab/slang lesson: "<a href="https://www.dictionary.com/e/slang/git-gud/#:~:text=Git%20gud%20is%20a%20deliberate,and%20had%20spread%20by%202013." target="_blank">Git gud</a>" is a phrase in the gaming community to indicate becoming/getting better at a game. As the Dictionary.com definition elaborates, it is often said to people in online forums who may be experiencing difficulty with a game and (arguably making the mistake of) soliciting tips from their brethren. In the worst cases, it's flung as an elitist, intentional insult at these people looking for help, and often paired with the noun "<a href="https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Casual">casual</a>," meant to imply they don't really care about or play games much, as in, "Git gud, you f***ing casual, and gtf outta here with that blubbering!" The implication with all of this is that the person struggling with the game either isn't trying hard enough/ is looking for a shortcut, don't <i>deserve</i> any help, since they only play games "casually," not <i>serious</i> like these <i>real</i> gamers, and/or isn't good enough at video games to warrant any consideration (or even to play the game in question). </div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;">I'm trying to finish <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloodborne" target="_blank">Bloodborne</a></i> for the first time, and I almost gave up yesterday. I was stuck on a boss fight in the DLC (extra stuff you can download, sort of like an epilogue), the last one of the DLC, in fact. My boyfriend assures me that since this is the <a href="https://bloodborne.wiki.fextralife.com/Orphan+of+Kos" target="_blank">last DLC boss</a>, and the next two bosses are the last two of the official, original game, they'll be easier. But given the slog I've gone through to get to this asshole and how GODDAMNED FLUSTERED I got with a few of the other bosses, <i>especially</i> the DLC ones, the idea of having nothing but bosses left really deflates me. A lot. I've loved the game so far, for the most part- it's gothic/Lovecraftian (with a little H.G. Wells, imo) horror at its finest, and five years later, the graphics and sound design are still uncannily beautiful. Boss fights I did enjoy, I was elated every time I was victorious. But I only beat the boss before this one because she glitched and somehow got stuck in a wall, and if I'm honest, I didn't feel as disappointed with this outcome as I wished I had- part of me wished I'd noticed the glitch in time and had beat her outright, but I was mostly relieved I didn't have to try anymore. And that flies in stark contrast to this "git gud" culture- I <a href="https://images3.memedroid.com/images/UPLOADED149/5caf88c493ca4.jpeg" target="_blank">didn't earn</a> that victory, after all. But the boss before her? I wasn't happy when I beat him, I was relieved. Relieved it was finally frakking over with him. So this one I just finally beat yesterday? I had to have tried close to 100 times, based on the number of consumables I went through. And when I finally did win, I was numb, unexcited, and attributed it more to luck than anything else (a similar feeling I had two bosses ago). And like I said, the trouble is, now that I'm finished the most recent, all that's left is two more main game bosses. And the idea of more boss fights, more dying to the exact same dude over and over and over again is just flat-unappealing to me. "Sense of accomplishment" be damned. I'm centimeters away from having none of that so much as just strait-up solace that I'm finally fucking done.</div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;">For the uninitiated, <i>Bloodborne </i>is by <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FromSoftware" target="_blank">From Software</a>, whose games are notoriously brutal- not just in the gore, but in their difficulty. In fact, there isn't even a difficulty setting in their games- you just start and that's that. So I'm certainly not the first person that had a hard time getting through this or any of their other titles. And I don't think it's a coincidence that if you <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=git+gud&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjxgoiDzYLqAhWGkZ4KHXarBfQQ2-cCegQIABAA&oq=git+gud&gs_lcp=CgNpbWcQAzIECAAQQzIHCAAQsQMQQzICCAAyAggAMgQIABBDMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCABQ3OFZWNzhWWCA5lloAHAAeACAAWSIAWSSAQMwLjGYAQCgAQGqAQtnd3Mtd2l6LWltZw&sclient=img&ei=2MXmXvG2G4aj-gT21pagDw&bih=625&biw=1366&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS851US851" target="_blank">Google Image Search</a> "git gud," roughly half of the images/memes, from what I can tell, feature various characters/images from their main series, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Souls" target="_blank">Dark Souls</a>. (Same if you look for "git gud meme," too.) The image I linked to in the above paragraph features two, and if you can't read it, the post at the bottom of the clipboard is an actual tweet from <a href="https://twitter.com/pcgamer">PCGamer</a>, where they posted a link to <a href="https://www.pcgamer.com/i-beat-sekiros-final-boss-with-cheats-and-i-feel-fine/">this article here</a>, which is about beating the final boss in From Software's newest title using a modification to actually slow the game itself down- and being unashamed of the fact.<br /><br />This game in question, <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sekiro:_Shadows_Die_Twice">Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice</a></i> led to a lot of <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/sekiro-shadows-die-easy-mode-difficulty-2019-4">debate</a> in the gaming world over "gitting gud." It started, arguably, with <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/davidthier/2019/03/28/sekiro-shadows-dies-twice-needs-to-respect-its-players-and-add-an-easy-mode/#337891ee1639">this piece</a> by Dave Thier, calling for an easy mode because, basically, a game's difficulty is only one part of its experience, and by making a game, any game, so difficult that only "serious" and/or "talented" gamers could get through it excludes a huge portion of people from enjoying the rest of what the game has to offer. Remember how I said <i>Bloodborne</i> had a great setting, sound design, etc.? That stuff. The story, us N00bs and "casuals" would miss out on stuff like that. Thier's colleague Erik Kain wrote his own, <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/erikkain/2019/03/29/no-sekiro-shadows-die-twice-absolutely-does-not-need-an-easy-mode/#75e0c0c25093">direct rebuttal</a> of Thier's article the next day. A big part of his argument is that the creators at From Software want to teach players about overcoming obstacles and triumphing in the face of adversity. That the sense of accomplishment after beating a boss on the umpteenth try is an integral part of the games themselves, so it absolutely cannot be removed. And while there were lots of pieces <a href="https://kotaku.com/an-easy-mode-has-never-ruined-a-game-1833757865" target="_blank">on Thier's</a> side and others <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/Sekiro/comments/bb508u/playing_sekiro_with_a_fine_motor_disability/">on Kain's</a>, FromSoftware kept pretty quiet about the whole thing. </div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;">Given what I've said about <i>Bloodborne</i><u style="font-style: italic;">,</u> you can probably guess where I fall. I'm kind of bitter that these "great" games are pretty much out of my reach because I'm not "gud" enough to play them, no matter how long I play and how hard I try. How much I've struggled to get through <i>Bloodborne</i> has made me earnestly reassess if I should play a few other games, games I watched my boyfriend play parts of that had me on the edge of my seat because the stories were so beautiful and rich, stories I wanted to experience for myself. And that makes me genuinely sad, and yeah, like I said, bitter. </div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;">And if you've looked at those (and maybe looked at other?) articles I linked, you'll see the word "accessibility" in some more than others. And my issue is that even the Reddit post by the person with a fine motor disability assumes everyone else can learn to play difficult games without any adaptations, and by implication, any video game out there. That every person who wants to experience the world-building, character development, design, etc. has the same level of capability, and not just when it comes to how "gud" they are, but physically. That any "can't" they encounter is one of the mind, basically. Kane uses the word "anyone" four times in his essay, which is a lot, considering really isn't all that long (certainly shorter than my stuff, womp-WOMP). And I sympathize with that Reddit user and am excited they have figured out how to get around their disability. But not "everyone" and not "anyone" can, and, the truth is, a lot legitimately can't- at least, not without help. </div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="font-size: small; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5mywH_Id7Ecj4_0f9DDoWROt9Fz-_POt1TxAFxgnd81XbJIgj65iqWxlZb6nO1pOlupXZLB2WJsXsgz-RnlN1ySKlfwZtof1XNYyWxsqTjTsfRqjZ5Lb3kqmeLEdP3CDln_29vs68UXM/s620/ANYONE+GETS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="464" data-original-width="620" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5mywH_Id7Ecj4_0f9DDoWROt9Fz-_POt1TxAFxgnd81XbJIgj65iqWxlZb6nO1pOlupXZLB2WJsXsgz-RnlN1ySKlfwZtof1XNYyWxsqTjTsfRqjZ5Lb3kqmeLEdP3CDln_29vs68UXM/s320/ANYONE+GETS.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">ANYONE GETS TO PLAY<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /><font style="vertical-align: inherit;"><font style="vertical-align: inherit;">That's the rub with this "git gud" culture- it assumes everyone is on equal footing when it comes to the capability of completing a game (and having fun at it). As that definition I linked above goes on to say, it's implicitly ableist because of this- it disregards the possibility that the individual may have a disability by assuming "git gud" is what errbody should be doin'. Plus it can be just plain rude, too. I mean, I understand sometimes it's a joke between friends, but when someone earnestly asks for help online and a stranger says something like, "Huh, I thought that boss was super easy, beat 'im on my first try, I just ran in and whomped his ass, so maybe just git gud?" is not only super showoff-ee, but also extremely dismissive. But anyway, the ableist aspect is what I'm more focused on, here.</font></font></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><font style="vertical-align: inherit;"><font style="vertical-align: inherit;"><br /></font></font></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><font style="vertical-align: inherit;"><font style="vertical-align: inherit;">"Git gud" isn't the only ableist rhetoric in gaming. The erroneous and unfounded diagnoses of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) were frequently thrown at the women and people of color demanding more inclusivity in video games during <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gamergate_controversy" target="_blank">GamerGate</a>, as were countless insults involving "crazy" and "batshit," and threats of violence against some of the more outspoken members of the feminist community referenced being sure not to leave the victim "too retarded to be afraid of us." And as this <a href="https://dsq-sds.org/article/view/5991/5142" target="_blank">great article in <i>Disability Studies Weekly</i></a> points out, using mental health diagnoses and rhetoric to discredit one's opponents is nothing new in general. But it's clearly nothing new to the gaming community specifically. I'm a "crazy-ass bitch" for saying games need more POC and women leads (true story), and "anyone" can "git gud," so inclusivity and accessibility aren't <i>actually</i> important- people are just using people with disabilities for their oppressive and "narcissistic" agendas.</font></font></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;">Think back to the start of this post. What image popped in your head when I flashed "ACCESSIBILITY" in front of you? I think a lot of people would picture ramps, big bathroom stalls, curb cuts, maybe even the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Symbol_of_Access" target="_blank">International Symbol of Access</a>.<br /><br />Was it anything like this, though?</div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2tLjZnG2a_Kw93v7_lrHTUwKdz9eV4T32xEGthHp1bCSWRzIntzaf8O-FZuLhxDg03NaGEeIlZ5Iv9DUS9u_8wm-MUksYh-iTEpqeOjlbemZQY9TRyfLxLt5AN6-YdvBPlRVC-6KQyng/s291/Xbox+Controller.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="173" data-original-width="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2tLjZnG2a_Kw93v7_lrHTUwKdz9eV4T32xEGthHp1bCSWRzIntzaf8O-FZuLhxDg03NaGEeIlZ5Iv9DUS9u_8wm-MUksYh-iTEpqeOjlbemZQY9TRyfLxLt5AN6-YdvBPlRVC-6KQyng/" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;">If not, that's ok! It's why we're here. That right there is the <a href="https://www.xbox.com/en-US/accessories/controllers/xbox-adaptive-controller" target="_blank">XBox Adaptive Controller</a>. It is designed to interface with assistive technology the user may already have (or can conveniently also purchase from Microsoft, 'natch!) in order to help people with physical/mobile disabilities play video games more easily. </div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;">You see, accessibility in gaming goes so. Much. Farther. Than just difficulty level. It has to do with sound, with color, with text, with how the controls themselves work, with core aspects of functionality and gameplay in a lot of instances. Adaptive controllers can do wonders for helping people that cannot hold a standard controller correctly or (or use it efficiently or for very long as-is) play the same games as everyone else. Importantly, stuff like this isn't just beneficial for people with severe conditions that lead to paraplegia - I've had a few friends with various and severe conditions like <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crohn%27s_disease" target="_blank">chron's disease</a>, different forms of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arthritis" target="_blank">arthritis</a>, and other conditions that can lead to joint pain, fatigue, and nausea. Adaptive tech like this could help them play more games, and for longer stints. Adaptive tech can also help blind people play games, as well.</div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: small; text-align: left;">Which brings me to the highly anticipated <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Last_of_Us_Part_II" target="_blank">The Last of Us Part II</a></i>. CNet <a href="https://www.cnet.com/google-amp/news/the-last-of-us-part-2-gives-players-with-disabilities-a-better-gaming-experience/?fbclid=IwAR07KhBnnJKRf1cexc75EhqezBxh3BldQ-yRwrKiRFscI_9hIJ1UH8Sh44Q" target="_blank">reported a few</a> days ago that it is going to include <i>massive </i>accessibility customization, over <b>sixty</b> different in-game settings players can customize in order to accommodate a range of disabilities- visual, aural, mobile, and whatever combination present- so options go beyond just increasing subtitle size and changing the contrast, but completely altering what the buttons on the control do and which ones are even required. Players can choose from a handful of preset mods, then go into those and tweak them to tailor the game even closer to their needs. All of this will make <i>Last of us II</i> the <a href="https://www.digitaltrends.com/gaming/last-of-us-part-2-accessibility/" target="_blank">most accessible game ever</a>. <br /><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="font-size: small; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXcprRGHacTNA6m6ELAF9T6R1Ju5O_tbNbkOHvD6ZbN2BqON2MJI6Ipe086AtMuWCI7aWPCyQLzpS9dZx7JpM8YaLflJ7_CHir3TEjzPCTcaQqGv6jbcXjxevo-nOE7PaB_kLWYiaaWEQ/s480/Big+Deal.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="480" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXcprRGHacTNA6m6ELAF9T6R1Ju5O_tbNbkOHvD6ZbN2BqON2MJI6Ipe086AtMuWCI7aWPCyQLzpS9dZx7JpM8YaLflJ7_CHir3TEjzPCTcaQqGv6jbcXjxevo-nOE7PaB_kLWYiaaWEQ/w400-h225/Big+Deal.gif" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For real, tho<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;">This isn't the first time game studio <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naughty_Dog" target="_blank">Naughty Dog</a> stepped up and made an exceptionally accessible game. <a href="https://www.polygon.com/2016/5/19/11716174/uncharted-4-accessibility-options-disabled-gamers" target="_blank">As the story goes</a>, one of their developers met Josh Straub, a game lover and game accessibility consultant with <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerebral_palsy" target="_blank">Cerebral Palsy</a>, at a conference. At the event, he told this developer, Alexandria Neonakis, that while he loved the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncharted" target="_blank"><i>Uncharted</i> series</a>, he had been unable to finish <i>Uncharted 2</i> because of a QuickTime sequence toward the end where button mashing was necessary to progress, but his CP made it impossible for him to do so. The experience of being unable to finish that game without help from an able-bodied friend led him to start his <a href="https://dagersystem.com/" target="_blank">website where he and a colleague review games with a heavy emphasis on accessibility in mind</a>. Telling Neonakis about it led to him being a consultant for Naughty Dog and, ultimately, one of the first AAA games to include an accessibility menu at all in 2016's <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncharted_4:_A_Thief%27s_End" target="_blank">Uncharted 4: A Thief's End</a></i> (the honor of first goes to 2014's <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Destiny_(video_game)" target="_blank">Destiny</a></i>). </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;">And game developer behemoth <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electronic_Arts" target="_blank">Electronic Arts</a> (EA) is dedicated to improving accessibility in its games, having gone so far as to<a href="https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/evqvee/why-ea-sports-started-taking-accessibility-seriously" target="_blank"> create a position called "Accessibility Lead"</a> in the company hierarchy itself. And what started as just a portal to provide accessibility feedback has led to an entire information warehouse, discussion board home, and troubleshooting community <a href="https://www.ea.com/able" target="_blank">on their website</a>. <br /><br />So this is great. A few steps forward for inclusivity and accessibility in video games.<br /><br />But what sucks is it's taken this long for it to happen, and Naughty Dog's extensive accessibility menu shouldn't be unique or special, but the norm. And as awesome as it is for them and EA to go to such great lengths, not enough studios are doing so. Not enough games have options to change or get rid of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quick_time_event" target="_blank">QuickTime</a> events like the one preventing Straub from finishing a game he had loved up until that moment. Not enough games have ways to change how the controller is used to accommodate mobility issues. Not enough games have ways to modify gameplay/combat in order to require less fine motor dexterity or allow for one-handed control use. And far too many games wait until months (<a href="https://support.seaofthieves.com/hc/en-gb/sections/360004122293-Accessibility-Guides" target="_blank">or even years</a>) after the original release to patch in mods as simple (and dare I say obvious?) as <a href="https://kotaku.com/the-outer-worlds-font-size-is-about-to-get-even-bigger-1842121512" target="_blank">subtitle size changes</a>, options that should be available from the start. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;"><i><br /></i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;">Limited options, ironclad gameplay, minimal changes to controller configurations- stuff like this leads to people with disabilities either not playing, or having an experience much like Straub's, where they encounter a game mechanic/sequence they can't get past because its demands are outside the scope of their range of capability- and they have to quit. If you've ever rage quit a game because it was too difficult and don't have a disability, imagine how crappy people with disabilities feel when a game they were enjoying suddenly does a thing or has a sequence they just can't get past. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="font-size: small; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd8kuiUSN9k4qVobx_qjtmQJ-0GFY_aBb0nZ4FffeWutzz-77O3JA0e75EGJJDC7a8-cpDEBsSUN4QVVNWlvvnLs2RN6LxwTb4ElGPgccqYkxc-2TycbhCjCUyYKL932IC6EX-pSmUjFM/s400/Screen+shot.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd8kuiUSN9k4qVobx_qjtmQJ-0GFY_aBb0nZ4FffeWutzz-77O3JA0e75EGJJDC7a8-cpDEBsSUN4QVVNWlvvnLs2RN6LxwTb4ElGPgccqYkxc-2TycbhCjCUyYKL932IC6EX-pSmUjFM/s320/Screen+shot.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now THAT'S what I call a <br />"SCREENSHOT'</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;">Imagine knowing you can't even try a video game you were looking forward to because you're aware you won't be able to finish it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;">So when talking about making an "easy" mode for a game, it isn't just about difficulty per se. If it can make gameplay less physically demanding on a player, more (not every, of course) people with disabilities may be able to give it a feasible try. Add to that the need for more adaptive hardware, and the issue becomes even more frustrating. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;">So let's circle back to that XBox controller. Did you <i>look</i> at that price? Or the price of the <a href="https://www.xbox.com/en-US/accessories#assistive" target="_blank">accessories</a> that go with? This is another huge problem: The lack of industry development revolving around accessibility means officially-licensed products are prohibitively expensive- and as of now, that XBox controller is the only one, although some ingenious people figured out <a href="https://www.theverge.com/2018/11/26/18113054/microsoft-adaptive-controller-gaming-disabilities-nintendo-switch-compatible" target="_blank">how to make it work on the Nintendo Switch</a>. And tools that aren't licensed (so, y'know, literally everything else) are entirely custom-made by individuals with disabilities themselves, those that care about them (as <a href="https://venturebeat.com/2019/10/08/accessibility-finally-matters-to-the-game-industry-but-it-needs-to-do-better/" target="_blank">this article</a> elucidates), or charity organizations specializing in making adaptive controllers and setups- so, again, pretty damn expensive. In other words, access to these accessibility tools is, ironically, extremely limited. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br />And this is something that <i>really</i> needs to be worked on, too. Mods and settings in-game can only go so far to help people with severe enough physical disabilities play video games, and why should they be excluded from enjoying the same stories as "anyone" else? Adaptive and assistive technology is absolutely <i>paramount</i> to increased accessibility in video games. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: small; text-align: left;">The good news is, Josh Straub isn't the only disability consultant out there specifically <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/video-games/2020/02/25/how-accessibility-consultants-are-building-more-inclusive-video-game-industry-behind-scenes/" target="_blank">working with video game developers</a>. One of the other most influential consultants is <a href="http://ian-hamilton.com/" target="_blank">Ian Hamilton</a>, who apparently got started after seeing kids playing a game he had been working on <a href="https://abilitynet.org.uk/news-blogs/accessibility-and-games-design-interview-ian-hamilton-video-game-accessibility-specialist" target="_blank">using adaptive/assistive technology</a>, and now he has become a huge name in the industry. And these free-to-use <a href="http://gameaccessibilityguidelines.com/" target="_blank">Game Accessibility Guidelines</a> are up and available for any developer to reference as they design their games. <br /><br />And as mentioned before, there are charities that offer adaptive and assistive technologies. <a href="https://ablegamers.org/?fbclid=IwAR3SukaM-_l5i-ZeeOKh0mBp7jCffUKCbTF0YJZUu66IfBI3aMLFnb_6EqM" target="_blank">AbleGamers</a> is an American group that even has grants to help gamers pay for equipment; <a href="https://www.specialeffect.org.uk/?fbclid=IwAR3fbOy2hw6AkHzjuZC59d9jK2_ECe0LnzWcPLWvWJqgj48IOfNL7lUoKeE" target="_blank">Special Effect</a> is a UK-based charity that does the same. And there are lots of different reviewers focused on accessibility. Straub's <a href="https://dagersystem.com/" target="_blank">website</a> is focused on physical disability and console gaming; <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZVtZMQ7UB4EgSi862BYBug/about" target="_blank">this gentleman</a>, also with CP, focuses more on PC games and has just started consulting. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/user/superblindman/videos" target="_blank">Brandon Cole</a> plays and reviews games (his current method of choice is PS4) as a blind player, and has also done lots of consulting (including with powerhouse <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubisoft" target="_blank">Ubisoft</a>), and he also co-founded a <a href="http://breakdownwalls.net/">great site to help bring gamers with disabilities and their allies together</a>. </div></font><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I do want to clarify something, here. I'm not saying me being a mediocre gamer is the same as having a disability and needing accommodations. (And like, come on, really? If you think that, you <i>really</i> need to read more of this blog because we obviously don't know each other in person and thus you have no idea who I am and what I'm like.) But what I <i>am</i> saying is creating more accessibility in games will allow far more people, disabled or not, enjoy them. And honestly, if nothing else, all that will do is increase profit margins for developers and studios, so aside from the humanistic perspective, there's the capitalist angle, too!<br /><br />What can you do? Well, donate to those charities and anybody trying to freelance as a consultant or disabled game reviewer, for one. Also, be vocal, be it in person or online. If you see a feature in a game that would be great for someone with a particular disability, let the studio know! If you see something that <i>wouldn't</i>, let them know that, too. If you're a gamer and talking about development with a friend or group of friends, <i>bring up accessibility</i>. Educate them. And just...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZBjkQKRvwS9v9eDn8aTetY1RfTnT7zPGUn9bSS7SOx9Z8jcMguUXGLZg5cg0mufHM4y7vUSH_Yh46Wiys3-WFQjHOgpNXWuSR9bXqt3N_4Fn-M5zHEtDxTQs-VVlVJae8k1Gb58YH67g/s499/Don%2527t+be+a+dick.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="366" data-original-width="499" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZBjkQKRvwS9v9eDn8aTetY1RfTnT7zPGUn9bSS7SOx9Z8jcMguUXGLZg5cg0mufHM4y7vUSH_Yh46Wiys3-WFQjHOgpNXWuSR9bXqt3N_4Fn-M5zHEtDxTQs-VVlVJae8k1Gb58YH67g/s320/Don%2527t+be+a+dick.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div></font>Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-29657341760596463652020-06-12T02:55:00.000-04:002020-06-12T02:55:41.757-04:00JS, J.K.; Or, Digging In Your Prada Heels<font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia">Alright, here we go. I'm taking a break from looking for non-retail work to rant about something, and from the title, y'all can probably guess. </font><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia">I don't really want to "cancel" the woman, so much as just... ignore her. And I've felt this way for quite some time. <br /><br />I saw<i> </i>the first <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fantastic_Beasts_and_Where_to_Find_Them_(film)" target="_blank">Fantastic Beasts</a></i> in theaters, but her treatment of indigenous cultures and the way she ignored the genocide colonists committed against them in the <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2016/03/whitewashing-wizards-thoughts-on-jkrs.html" target="_blank">runup to its release</a> was basically my last straw; and I only saw the movie in theaters because it was an event and something to do with some friends I rarely see anymore. I said I'd be willing to forgive her for it then, especially if she gave some sort of statement about it, but she never did. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia">But that wasn't the first time she had racist stuff in her writing. There is a <a href="https://commons.nmu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1045&context=theses" target="_blank">litany of problematic elements</a> in the original books. But I, like so many others, needed her to hurt my own community to finally feel done. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not alone- myself and countless others had tried holding on because I/we cared so much about the series. It meant a lot to me. I had/have a treasure trove of positive memories associated with it, like attending midnight releases with friends, staying up until dawn reading with them, seeing my mom with my copy of the newest one, her waving it in the parking lot as I got off a bus from a trip and had thought said copy would get sold. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia">But I just can't anymore. And even after ranting about that promotional material for <i>Fantastic Beasts</i>, I hoped maybe she would improve. And even as various TERFys things cropped up, I continued to hope, hope she'd apologize, hope she'd say, "Thank you, fans, for showing me what an arsehole I was being."<br /><br />As the recent media storm indicates, she did not. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia"><br /></font></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg165JcxtLvQa8HV_bZcwOJpTyvwVife5d57ijrkMhl4HgbjtaQqEpMnkILBkqFtMID2UFxo1yxURhf0nq5yu2TwAnhN9n64eE9EApVENhXmWFFhgZNpBL1XRe6pTJU2CHGRqiigstuauo/s498/McGonagall.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="I feel ya, Minerva." border="0" data-original-height="199" data-original-width="498" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg165JcxtLvQa8HV_bZcwOJpTyvwVife5d57ijrkMhl4HgbjtaQqEpMnkILBkqFtMID2UFxo1yxURhf0nq5yu2TwAnhN9n64eE9EApVENhXmWFFhgZNpBL1XRe6pTJU2CHGRqiigstuauo/w400-h160/McGonagall.gif" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I feel ya, Minerva<br /></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia">I'm not even going to include a link to her huge rant/"response." She doesn't deserve the clicks. But a few thoughts I want to share, for those that care what I think. I'm quoting from memory, here, so don't get all in a tizzy if I don't get things exact. And one more quick thing: I obviously don't think she should get death threats or receive some of the vitriol she has- I'm never a proponent of mud- and poo-slinging, regardless. That doesn't mean I have to agree with her, though. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia"><br />1) I think it's important to note that when she lists the "experts" she's spoken to, particularly those supporting her, the parameters that qualify them aren't specified. When it comes to how she "informed" her opinion, she doesn't elucidate any of the information she received- which means either A., they were just members of the echo chamber, parroting back the same unfounded, hyperbolized, strawman-ee arguments as her, or B., she purposely, consciously ignored any contradictory info. She just says she talked to them, which doesn't mean crap. You can't cite a source in your bibliography without having an in-text citation, too- that crap will get your journal article sent back in the scientific community. There's a reason she's being cagy about what these people purportedly taught her.<br /><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia">And when it comes to the "flood of support," or however she put it, she's pretty vague about where it came from. She could be talking about janitors or cashiers, for all we know- and I am <a href="https://twitter.com/Carter_AndrewJ/status/1270787941275762689?s=20" target="_blank">not the only person to notice this</a>. (This is the only overlap I've included, simply because I viewed it in a slightly different way from Mr. Carter- other than that, I'm deliberately going for things he didn't, since his analysis is pretty bangin', y'all.) And importantly, the sources of that "flood of support" differ substantially from where she "got information"- which again, implies echo-chamber. She doesn't say psychologists or medical experts were rushing to her defense, nor does she mention trans groups as doing so. It's fishy, to say the least, and it all speaks to willful ignorance, be it through selective source-seeking or selective belief, or some combination of the two; and the crowd "supporting" her is kinda duh. They're TERFS, too, given the stuff she says they're "concerned" about.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia">2) She brings up her charities, in a very gatekeeper-ee way. Basically saying, "I only want girls and women assigned that sex at birth and stay that way AlWayZZ to receive charity when in times of crisis." Cool. This is akin to the whole <a href="https://www.ncsl.org/research/human-services/drug-testing-and-public-assistance.aspx" target="_blank">drug testing for social assistance</a> thing some states have passed here. It's a way of passing judgment, of saying it isn't about categorical entitlement, but "worthiness" based on morality. And of course, it's exclusionary- it's saying trans women and girls don't "count" as women and girls. Nevermind that trans people <a href="https://nwlc.org/blog/income-security-is-elusive-for-many-transgender-people-according-to-u-s-transgender-survey/" target="_blank">disproportionally live in poverty</a>. Nevermind that nearly half of trans and nonbinary people have been verbally harassed or sexually assaulted, and OVER half have experienced homelessness (<a href="https://vawnet.org/sc/serving-trans-and-non-binary-survivors-domestic-and-sexual-violence/violence-against-trans-and" target="_blank">source</a>). Since they're trans women/girls, t</font><span style="color: #7b1fa2; font-family: georgia;">hey aren't </span><i style="color: #7b1fa2; font-family: georgia;">real</i><span style="color: #7b1fa2; font-family: georgia;"> women/girls, so </span><span style="color: #7b1fa2; font-family: georgia;">they don't deserve her help.</span><span style="color: #7b1fa2; font-family: georgia;"> See what I'm getting at?</span></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia">3) She pulls the "I have a trans friend" argument, which, come on. That's <i style="font-weight: bold;">so</i> last century, amirite? But just before that, she says she's "met young trans people" that were "adorable." And this bothered me a lot, for some reason. I guess the way I see it, she doesn't care about their character, who they are as people- they're just cute stuffed animals she can "aaaw" at, or at best, silly little kids that don't really know what they're talking about but are just so dang cute for Having Opinions. It dehumanizes, infantilizes them. And no, this isn't to say trans people can't be adorable (they totally can! just like any person!), <i>but</i>, when you're supposedly discussing why you "aren't" a TERF, reducing the trans people you've "met" simply to "adorable" and having that be the only basis for you <i style="font-weight: bold;">obviously</i> not being anti-trans, it demonstrates there is absolutely zero depth to your understanding of trans identities.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia">4) A huge part of her rant is the handwringing over "safety" in bathrooms. This <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boggart" target="_blank">boggart</a> has been debunked and disproven so many gorram times I am not going to bother looking up any sources or statistics or whatever. If you don't believe me, you're probably on her side, anyway, so even if I <i>did</i> give you some sources, you'd handwave them away. Because that's what people like her do.<br /><br />5) This next one is the hardest, on a personal level. She vaguebooks about sexual assault and spousal abuse, and while I don't think she's obligated to give graphic details of what happened, she jumps quite quickly from bringing up said history to the bathroom stuff and the "threat" that "any man pretending to be trans" can pose to "biological women." And this... It doesn't sit right with me, as a survivor. And I want to start off by saying a few things about her opening up about it before getting into why I'm upset about it. <br /><br />I hate that it happened to her. I've been there, more than once. I sympathize, <i>empathize</i> with her. Rape, sexual assault, abuse, etc.- I wouldn't wish any of it on the worst human being in the world, even a middle-aged white lady that is oblivious to how bigoted she is (or doesn't give a crap). It breaks my heart it happened to her, and I hope she can find healing someday, however possible. <br /><br />Because while yes, it's understandable to be an advocate against sexual assault in general because you yourself were assaulted, it's preposterous to assume every member of a group is going to do everything they can to sneak up on women and rape them. Not to mention unhealthy- for the person making that leap, not to mention the people it's about. Her equating her own experience with the "threat" of "fake trans" folks is <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/projection" target="_blank">projection</a>, sick, sick projection, and indicative that she has not received adequate mental health support in the wake of her assault and abusive ex. Because <i>any</i> mental health professional worth their credentials would recognize the false equivalency and work her through it, help her overcome it. And it's all kinds of disgusting that I even need to say this, but, here you go, Rowling:<br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia"><br /></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="10"><b>TRANS<span><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="10"><b>≠ RAPIST</b></font></span></b></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="3">I mean...</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="3"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="3"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIhK10RJSlZZ01tHhFpWuU8I9lCVexqvioqn0p8vsHEUhcDfyPqoMLEct6gGFMcF55OFdPyT810gJpldIy0IIcLGKaVWa65M2hAJ37PNe2Xn3RWA-nnYuefM6hMLNtOzpWfow_859faJA/s480/Duh.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Duh?" border="0" data-original-height="252" data-original-width="480" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIhK10RJSlZZ01tHhFpWuU8I9lCVexqvioqn0p8vsHEUhcDfyPqoMLEct6gGFMcF55OFdPyT810gJpldIy0IIcLGKaVWa65M2hAJ37PNe2Xn3RWA-nnYuefM6hMLNtOzpWfow_859faJA/w400-h210/Duh.gif" title="Duh?" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Duh?<br /></td></tr></tbody></table> </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">And also, there isn't some army of dudes running around in dresses in the hopes to assault women. Again...</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="3"><br /></font></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGmLX-rNpdmHxTszbCwvHNgRbKhwS9Vud3NX_kSNWGHr59aJ25VFMJtVs117sQRzEvUWMqI8FEC7ZikrocFqeD8EyUQLCNbnyM2J9FAlntHPwkY4VqcrV7CSovmmdvITkpZgDQcSxmock/s220/MKO.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="165" data-original-width="220" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGmLX-rNpdmHxTszbCwvHNgRbKhwS9Vud3NX_kSNWGHr59aJ25VFMJtVs117sQRzEvUWMqI8FEC7ZikrocFqeD8EyUQLCNbnyM2J9FAlntHPwkY4VqcrV7CSovmmdvITkpZgDQcSxmock/w400-h300/MKO.gif" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What she said</td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="3"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">But seriously, the fact that she strongly insinuates that when she's triggered, her head goes to the "trans threat" or whatever... Maybe the perpetrator was a dude pretending to be trans (because again, since she's pretty vague, it's unclear to me if her ex-husband was the one who also sexually assaulted her- which is totally possible). I can understand that making things hard for her at first. But like I said, if she had a therapist of any quality, her false equivalency would have come up. And who knows? If she did see somebody and they did say, "Hey, let's try to parse that and figure out how to move beyond it," and she quit them because she'd rather hold onto her bigotry, well... I can genuinely see that as a Thing. But chances are, it somehow conveniently never came up in sessions (because she knows it's hogwash), or, and this is the most likely, she never actually got any help to begin with.<br /><br />And while infuriating, it's also ridiculously sad. Because here is this woman, and she's harbored this narrative for years that this whole classification of people are potential rapists*, and every time she thinks of them or sees a member of the group, she's triggered. It's kind of tragic, in a way, because as society moves forward and more and more people are comfortable with transitioning, she's going to have a pretty difficult time of it.<br /><br />But. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br />It's up to her to get past it. If it's genuinely, 100% a result of trauma she hasn't dealt with in a healthy fashion, she needs to- God knows she has the money, and anyway, she lives in a country where healthcare, including mental health services, is free. And if she deliberately avoided the topic of trans fear when seeking help, then shame on her.<br /><br />But then the most cynical read of her offering this window into her past is: She's playing the Victim Card. By this, I mean she's basically saying, "Since I was sexually assaulted and my ex-husband abused me, I want to do everything I can to prevent other [biological] women from going through it, too, so let's talk about trans people."Asserting her status as a survivor is a method of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virtue_signalling" target="_blank">virtue signaling</a>, intended to give her the space to vomit her hatred onto the public with impunity. I mean, how could a <i>rape survivor</i> and <i>domestic abuse victim </i>have discriminatory thoughts <i>vis a vis </i>womanhood? She's so brave for coming forward, she <i>must</i> be onto <i style="font-weight: bold;">something</i>, right? </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">And the mere potentiality of this makes me sick to my stomach. And I hope to God it isn't true, because then she's even more despicable than any of us can imagine. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">But it was really hard for me to ignore this interpretation as I was reading her garbage. Her tone is extremely holier-than-thou, especially when she pivots from her history and back to "trans" (scare quotes because again, the bathrooms are a straw-man) stuff. It felt to me as if she believed her status as a survivor made her untouchable, so she can say whatever the eff she wants. And there is a <b>huge</b> difference between being proud of how far you've come and being full of yourself for it. There's a condescension to it, really. "Given my past, I want all biological women like me to be safe, so we can't let all these trannies** run around freely, and obviously if you don't agree with me you think innocent women just going to the loo deserve to be raped." I've seen her smirk before, and I legit pictured it on her face during this part of the essay. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">6) I'm not going to dwell, but she's super conflating sex with gender. I'm sure someone else somewhere called her on it, but keep in mind all of the "biological this" and "biological that" crap is her approach not mine. And that in itself is a super TERFy thing to do, m'lady. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaM17y9AxeIcvklM7xBPw8xY8FL0-PNicPoMQ849r13u4FtfvRm0xYrIwdzlTlB1IdDvSKxsuryaQjTJTBqWJJMNJaLIS2B7Nu0z0CQLhCZj-TqYiLllN4-V6b8TXoYUghwOdoV400bU4/s480/Whoopie.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaM17y9AxeIcvklM7xBPw8xY8FL0-PNicPoMQ849r13u4FtfvRm0xYrIwdzlTlB1IdDvSKxsuryaQjTJTBqWJJMNJaLIS2B7Nu0z0CQLhCZj-TqYiLllN4-V6b8TXoYUghwOdoV400bU4/s320/Whoopie.gif" width="320" /></a></div></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">JS, J.K. JS.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">7) Overall, keep in mind she never once apologizes or even ponies up to the harm she's caused real trans people anywhere in the essay. The entire thing is an exercise in justification, not dialogue. I don't even want to call it a "reason" for her beliefs. It's too hyper-defensive for that. The "research" she's done, the fact that SHE HAS A TRANS FRIEND, ZOMG, the waves of support from "experts," the fact that she "just has biological women's best interests at heart-" she provides this battery of... bleh... to convince the reader she's <i>right</i>, and with huge moral and ethical implications underscoring the whole exercise. That's justification, not explanation. <br /><br />And she believes it, fully and utterly. She sees herself as the last bastion of defense, as the leader of some righteous army that will defend the battlements at all costs. She's basically Jack Nicholson:<br /><br /></font><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilTMKXktqvTiKNa3dFJauD2MloTTIsxOerXi6al3l62pDjr65P6PGw-X4lECkwcLxn3rvCUXEyO78vddqa1UupvaJxu1SeN8rewE7TlVzEhJvXSpJD-tD_GDsbuKO9NIczL4yL9UJ6nDk/s471/Wall.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="471" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilTMKXktqvTiKNa3dFJauD2MloTTIsxOerXi6al3l62pDjr65P6PGw-X4lECkwcLxn3rvCUXEyO78vddqa1UupvaJxu1SeN8rewE7TlVzEhJvXSpJD-tD_GDsbuKO9NIczL4yL9UJ6nDk/w400-h170/Wall.gif" width="400" /></a></div></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">Plus, by <i>not </i>bothering to address any fans she's upset or hurt, by scoffing at the idea that her words likely contributed to at least some of the trans suicide attempts in recent years, she's telling them she doesn't give a shit about them. They don't exist to her. Their lives aren't important or of any value.<br /><br />They're trans. They're <i>adorable</i>, but they aren't human.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">And this is probably the worst crime of all. Especially given how she had us all convinced she was a champion for the weirdos and the queers, for the unseen and the unheard. We thought we had an all-powerful ally in her. But it turned out, she was the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing, and figuring that out, that in itself has hurt vast numbers of people. People that believed in her. In the stories she gave us. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">She had an opportunity to be a better person, and she doubled down. She dug her designer heels in and said, "Nope, actually, I'm better than all of you."</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">I may never read the Harry Potter books again. And while that makes me sad, I'm ok with it. There are so many other series out there, series that <i>aren't</i> embedded with racist dribble, that <i>aren't</i> by raging TERFs. <br /><br />Would you like some recommendations? I'll end this depressing post with a list of fiction series I adore and hope you'll look into, if you're unfamiliar. This list isn't exhaustive, is in no particular order, and a few of them are still ongoing, but hey. Maybe you'll find something to enjoy here.<br /><br /><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-The <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Old_Kingdom_(book_series)" target="_blank">Old Kingdom</a></i> series by Garth Nix. Tim Curry even did the audiobooks of the original trilogy, folks. The way magic works is in itself enough to make it worth it, but he does such a great job with so much more. The second book even deals with suicidal ideation, something you RARELY see in fantasy. It's geared towards YA, but that hasn't stopped me from keeping up with the current releases.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-The<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35457253-daughters-of-the-storm" target="_blank"> <i>Blood and Gold</i></a> series, by Kim Wilkins. Amazing feminist fantasy about a set of royal sisters. There are moments that have made me cry, laugh, and freak out for someone's safety. Wilkins is particularly skilled at changing her writing style to suit the character whose perspective we're getting, something I've seen lesser authors stumble with before. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-The <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/series/116397-chronicle-of-the-unhewn-throne" target="_blank">Chronicle of the Unhewn Throne</a></i> by Brian Staveley. A million times better than <i>Game of Thrones</i>. And the supernatural big bad actually matters. WHAT?!</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-The <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/series/45794-acacia" target="_blank">Acacia</a></i> series by Anthony Durham. Solid high fantasy. The characters really shine, too.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-Literally anything with <a href="https://www.neilgaiman.com/" target="_blank">Neil Gaiman</a>'s name attached. Seriously. Anything.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-The <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/series/117103-the-dandelion-dynasty" target="_blank">Dandelion Dynasty</a></i>, by Ken Liu. Silkpunk. If you're unfamiliar with the genre, get familiar. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-The <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/series/41207-fern-capel" target="_blank">Fern Capel</a></i> series by Jan Siegel. Atlantis! Witches! Dwarves! Morgan le Fay...? She somehow manages to mesh Arthurian legend with traditional British folklore, Atlantis, and urban fantasy in a way that sticks with you when you're finished reading.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-The <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earthsea" target="_blank">Earthsea</a> </i>cycle. I may not think it's <i>quite</i> as feminist as everyone says it is, but damned if LeGuinn didn't write prose so beautiful and smooth you could hold a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kwz-cicOUFk" target="_blank">curling</a> tournament on top of it. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/series/122142-shades-of-magic" target="_blank">Shades of Magic</a></i> by V.E. Schwab. Oh boy, this one is so unique. Alternate dimensions, smuggling, universal peril. I don't want to give too much away, just give it a shot.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-<i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sailor_Moon" target="_blank">Sailor Moon</a></i> by Naoko Takeuchi. Make fun of me, idgaf.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-<i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Percy_Jackson_%26_the_Olympians" target="_blank">Percy Jackson and the Olympians</a></i></font><i style="color: #7b1fa2; font-family: georgia; font-size: small;"> </i><span style="color: #7b1fa2; font-family: georgia; font-size: small;">by </span><span style="color: #7b1fa2; font-family: georgia; font-size: small;">Rick Riordan. Easy, fun reads. Kid-friendly, too. </span></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-Anything by <a href="http://nkjemisin.com/" target="_blank">N.K. Jemison</a>. Her works also stand for themselves.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-The <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sevenwaters_Trilogy" target="_blank">Sevenwaters</a></i> series by Juliet Marillier. It starts as a retelling of the Hans Christian Anderson tale "The Seven Swans," but expands into a pretty amazing epic set in ancient Ireland. It's like what <i>The Mists of Avalon</i> could have been, if there were a ton more books, and if the author wasn't a pedophile. ::cries::</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-Any series by <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Eddings" target="_blank">David Eddings</a>. His stories themselves get kind of formulaic at times, but he was superb at bringing characters to life, and the stakes are always what you'd expect in epic fantasy- end-of-the-world sort of stuff with a Reluctant Hero. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-<i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Land_of_Elyon">The Land of Elyon</a></i> series by Patrick Carman. Written for kids, but I totally read them as an adult with zero children and adored them.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-<i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Un_Lun_Dun" target="_blank">Un Lun Dun</a></i> by China Mieville. Standalone, but I couldn't not include it. It's awesome. And also kid-friendly.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-<i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Keys_to_the_Kingdom" target="_blank">Keys to the Kingdom</a></i> series, also by Garth Nix. This one's a bit more youthful, but just as rich. Nix is an incredible worldbuilder, and that comes out just as well here as the aforementioned <i>Old Kingdom</i>. I appreciated how his main character this time had a disability, too- asthma. </font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">-<i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/series/153986-an-ember-in-the-ashes" target="_blank">An Ember in the Ashes</a></i> series by Sabaa Tahir. An amazingly rich world, compelling characters, and legit twists and turns, along with political intrigue. I haven't read the last book yet, but by golly, I need to.<br /><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">*And I genuinely do NOT want to hear about how "all men are potential rapists, though!" because they aren't. You come at me with that, I will block your ass.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2">**Used for effect- I would never use it casually. Trust me.</font></div><div><font color="#7b1fa2" face="georgia" size="2"><br /></font></div><div><br /></div>Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-5781342654777126922020-05-19T15:54:00.001-04:002020-05-19T15:54:11.887-04:00Goodbye, River<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I missed a call on the 3rd from a friend that usually doesn't call, so I knew something serious was going on. My immediate thought was, "It's either [abusive ex-boyfriend] or River." The former because she's my ex's brother's ex (that's how we met!), but still has occasion to see him sometimes, since she goes to his favorite bar sporadically; and the latter because I rehomed River with her two years ago.<br /><br />That's right. I said before how I had to make the <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/04/well-i-guess-this-is-growing-up.html" target="_blank">right choices</a> with respect to her when I was in Indiana. I did my best to do the same once I moved to Seattleish. And there reached a point where I was working so much and my commute was so long that she was locked up/alone for far more than is fair for any dog, let alone one with her energy level. These are the two last pictures I took of her when she still lived with me:</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I thought she was making funny faces at me at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized this was pretty much the only face she was making anymore.<br /><br />She was miserable. And even though it wasn't really a <i style="font-weight: bold;">fault</i> of mine, it<i> was</i> my responsibility to do something about it. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Mina, the friend I mentioned above, was working as a bartender at the time, and thus had hours far more conducive to spending quality time with River every day. River adored her (she's actually one of the few females River was clingy with- she usually gravitated towards dudes when I had people over, but she always hovered around Mina when she visited with that ex-kinda-brother-in-law), and she adored River, and was <i>really</i> good with animals and had a great head on her shoulders about them (even worked at a pet store every now and then to help her friend, the owner, out). </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So when I posted something about finding a new home for River on Facebook and Mina responded, I jumped on it- I knew River would be happy (once she got over me leaving her), loved, and well cared for.<br /><br />So I did it. It was a million times harder and more painful than leaving that abusive ex. But I did it, because it was the best thing for her. My living situation/lifestyle was unfair to her, and I had to make the right choice as a parent. I couldn't take care of her anymore, not in the way she deserved and needed. And I knew Mina could and would.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was a mess for a few weeks after- I spent maybe one or two nights at home alone because it hurt so much to not have her in bed with me. Instead, I spent as much time at my boyfriend's, or him at mine, as I could possibly muster.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ironically, due to happenstance, I ended up moving in with them a few months later as I waited for my his lease to be up so he and I could move in together. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And <i>boy was she salty at first</i>. Which is classic River. LOOK AT THIS FACE, THIS IS THE FACE OF UTTER DISDAIN:</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In the background, there, you can see Kashyyyk, the puppy one of the other peeps at the house got not too long after I moved in. River was so good with him, it was adorable to see them together. But anyway, I took this one day as I was trying to get her to join me on the couch. She refused. Which says a lot about how hurt she was, given the plethora of pictures my Facebook had been loaded with of her <i>literally laying on top of me</i>. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It took her almost half a year to deign to sit next to me, and one night that Mina was out of town and I tried to get River to sleep in my room, she wouldn't. Even after moving out, I'd come over to spend time with Mina (and River!!!), and she'd let me pet her and stuff, but she wouldn't sit next to me (let alone <i>on</i> me). And she wasn't nearly as enthusiastic about me showing up than she'd been when I'd get home before rehoming her, nor as she'd get when guests, even ones she was familiar with, would show up.<br /><br />In other words, I don't think she ever forgave me. And even though I know I did the right thing, and that Mina was the absolute best dog mom I could have found, that will always hurt. She had been my baby girl, the entire center of my world, and she remained bitter about me giving her up. And no, I don't blame her for this- honestly, her ability to act so human was one of the things I'll always love about her. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So that phone call on the 3rd. I returned it, and Mina told me that River had an inoperable tumor. That she was in a lot of pain. That the best thing was to let her go, and she, Mina, wanted me there, and that River probably would, too.<br /><br />So I dropped everything and went. To hell with social distancing.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When I got there, she was an entirely different dog. She looked ten years older, with grey hair and patches where she was almost bald. The tumor was in her stomach area, and while I had thought she had just grown chonky (which is apparently what Mina and her usual vet thought at first, too), it was actually the tumor itself, collecting all of her blood. And as I got closer, I could tell- the rest of her was rail thin and waif-like, but her torso was huge. Her eyes were the saddest I'd ever seen them. Her movement was slow and ginger, like every step hurt. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is my last picture of her.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't know if she could tell she was dying, or if it was the painkillers she was on, but she was a lot more willing to receive affection and attention from me. I hope it was more like she was willing to put the pain I put her through aside and accept the love I was trying to show her. It's selfish, but I'm grateful for it. I wouldn't be surprised if it was because she sensed <i style="font-weight: bold;">I </i>needed that. She was always good at telling what her hoomans needed.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We spent some time together, Mina and I going back and forth between hugging each other and crying and hugging River and crying, and eventually, it came time to take her. My boyfriend had arrived by then, and I asked him to drive, since God knows I wouldn't be able to. He did so, a fucking champ and hero, and I would <i>not </i>have made it through all of that without him.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">They let Mina and me be with her. And even when in immense pain, even when barely there, she was still....</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Just so River.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To start, the first dose of anesthesia wasn't enough. Just when Mina and I thought she was asleep, the nurse knocked and she grunted in the way she did when she was annoyed, her, "Ex-CUSE me, sir/madam?" We laughed.<br /><br />Then, even once asleep, the nurse could <i>not</i> find her vein to insert the catheter- just so damn stubborn! This also brought a few chuckles. The vet had to do it, and even she seemed to have more trouble than she wanted to admit.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And then, she was gone. Mina and I stayed with her after it was over for a good twenty minutes. And as we were walking out...</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">...I could smell one of her dank farts. As if she was saying goodbye with style, a style particular to her.<br /><br />And it made me laugh, through the tears. Through the sobs I was shaking with, I laughed. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And that, <i>that</i> was River. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She was silly. She was goofy. She was sweet. She was exceptionally empathetic. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And she crop dusted with the skill of a <i>stealth assassin</i>.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. This is her in that same sweater, the first one I ever got her:</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm so, so grateful she and Mina found each other. One of the comforts I've taken in this, and something I remind Mina of when she needs it (and Mina, if you're reading this, I mean it), is that her time with Mina was filled with joy and love. Mina fell in love with her just as I had, and cared for her as if River was her own kid, too. She, too, made sacrifices for River's sake, because she was being the best parent she knew how. River loved her, so much, and it was obvious to anyone who didn't know her, and especially obvious to me, someone that knew her so well. I saved River once, but when I was failing her, Mina saved her again.<br /><br />River was one of the best things to have ever happened to me. I'm having a hard time finishing this in a cohesive way, but I think the best I can do is say I'll always miss her. I had to say goodbye once, and while at first, I thought that made this easier, I think I was kidding myself.<br /><br />Because it hurts. It hurts so much. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've gone back and read old posts in which she features heavily, and they've made me laugh. If you're interested, check these out, too:</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/03/river-runs-through-it-what-do.html" target="_blank">About a month after she came home with me</a>.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She used to <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/03/what-makes-me-feel-better.html" target="_blank">make me feel better</a>.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">River <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/03/poop.html" target="_blank">poopin'</a>.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/04/lucky-dog.html" target="_blank">lucky</a> to have her.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I talk here a bit about <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/06/on-sleeping-and-dreaming.html" target="_blank">cuddling with her in bed</a>.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She managed to make a <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/07/those-cleansing-things.html" target="_blank">super deep moment</a> for me hilarious. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/07/bugged.html" target="_blank">Fighting with mosquitos while waking your dog </a>is rough, yo.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">River <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2014/02/on-love-and-toilet-paper.html" target="_blank">hears neighbors banging</a> (not on doors</span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">) and gets confused. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Again, River <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2014/04/sipping-and-making-lemonade.html" target="_blank">helped me choose happiness</a>. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Goodbye, River. You were the perfect dog for me. I'm sorry I couldn't be the perfect mom for you. I did my best, and even though it hurt you, I had to do right by you. So I'm happy you found Mina- she was the best mom you could have had once I let you down. We'll both always love you. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm glad the pain is gone. Do lots of zoomies in the clouds, and roll around on your back as much as you want now.<br /><br />But don't stink up heaven too much with your flatulence, ok? No innocent look will get you off the hook, young lady!</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I stand corrected. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I love you, River. Goodbye, sweet girl.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-41106180562583711792020-05-03T16:00:00.000-04:002020-05-03T16:00:27.744-04:00Song Challenge Day 10: A Song That Makes You Sad<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Sorry, y'all, but since day 10 is "A song that makes you sad," today's entry in this song challenge is going to be kind of depressing. I'm going to go ahead now and say<br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm going with this one; this is the official music video, but for the full version, go <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmykLjq3cQk" target="_blank">here</a>. As a small aside, I never understood why Amos looks... turned on? during the video, given 1) the subject matter, and 2) how sad/emotional she sounds in the recording.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You can probably guess if you know me or have followed my blog for a while, but this song makes me think of my dad for myriad reasons. No, we didn't have ice and snow everywhere in Las Vegas when I was growing up (although yes, we did actually go to indoor ice skating rinks sometimes), and I never needed mittens. But a few things aside from it being about the relationship between a father and child, things from the general to the specific, make this song hit me hard.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">-The general melancholic sound, and the regretful tone and implication from the lyrics as a whole, parallel my feelings about Dad. I regret never repairing the damage that had been done, bridging the gap that opened when he and my mom got divorced. It is a wound I will carry until I die, and I know there was nothing I could have done, not really- he made his own choices, and they led to his untimely death. But I'll always wonder, what would have happened if I had reached out? What if I had tried to help him in that last year or two? Etc. And this line of questioning will haunt me the rest of my life. Thinking of Dad can sometimes lead to a smile, but it still more often than not just makes me sad. So, too, does the song, then.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">-The path the music follows parallels the trajectory of Dad's decline. It starts subtle, gets more and more profound, reaches a high point of drama and bombast, and then fades away. Dad's end started when I was a teenager, as his drinking gradually increased and his behavior became more and more erratic and toxic. At its worst, its peak, he ended his life in the most violent way possible, a gun to the head. And in the aftermath, he didn't even have a memorial service because the way in which he died was too traumatic for his mom or sister (the latter of which found him) to hold one. It's objectively sad (as objective as "sad" can be, anyway), and ultimately, the way the song ends reflects the way my dad's story ended- quietly, nigh imperceptibly. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">-The line in the chorus, "When you gonna love you as much as I do?" basically speaks for itself. I never stopped loving him, and I wish to God he had loved himself enough to not do what he did. <i>Half</i>. If he had loved himself <i>half </i>as much as I did, as I <b>do</b>, he very well may be here still. And I think that's one of the parts that makes it hurt the most. That he was in <i>so </i>much pain, had that much hate for himself and his life, that he felt the best course was to end it. The Dad that broke his toe to avoid stepping on and snapping my Barbie in half. The same Dad that kept me home from school to play video games with him. The same Dad that loved me so much he refinanced his house to help me pay for college. It breaks my heart over and over to think of it.<br /><br />-"So many dreams on the shelf...You say I wanted you to be proud of me." Of course I wanted him to be proud. And as he started fading, it seemed harder and harder to do. There was one instance where I felt I let him down completely: During my sophomore year, I was accepted into an exchange program with American University in D.C. to study government and civics, and I was also offered an internship in then-<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Reid" target="_blank">Senator Harry Reid's</a> D.C. office for the duration of the exchange. In the end, despite my dean of students personally talking to my college's financial aid as well as American University's, our family just couldn't afford it because AU was that much more expensive and that much more stingy with financial aid. So, I declined both offers. And I remember one evening, my first break home after the decision, where Dad, having been drinking, told me how disappointed he was that I didn't go, and how sorry he was that we couldn't find a way to afford it. He didn't blame me specifically, but I felt like by not agreeing to triple my loans in order to make it possible, I had disappointed him more than anyone else ever had. He said he wanted me to do great things, knew I could, if I "just tried." He was sure I would be super successful someday, and someday soon, and not going to D.C. made him question that assertion, out loud and in front of me, no less. And it always felt to me that that conversation was the tipping point where he started to disdain me, too. And I'll forever wonder what would have happened between us if I had worked it out somehow, had taken more loans to cover living expenses and food and had actually gone to D.C. (never mind the different path my career could have taken). I gave up on that dream, and it disappointed him. This is just one example, but overall, considering I'm still working retail and in school, I have no doubt he'd still be disappointed in me, at least a little. And that makes me feel gross about myself.<br /><br />I could go on, but I'm so damn sick of being sad, I need to end this post now. But yeah, "Winter" is my go-to "I-wanna-be-sad" song. I miss my Dad. I regret how things ended. My mind and heart are awash with a million "what-if"s. I miss my Dad. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for so many things I could have done differently. I know I can't change them, but if I could, I would. </span></div>
Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-14167324150622223312020-05-02T21:54:00.000-04:002020-05-02T21:54:20.667-04:00Song Challenge Day 9: A Song That Makes You Happy<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Back again. Day 9, "A song that makes you happy."</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm going with a song I've honestly never heard on the radio, but that's been in a bunch of movies and shows, one you've probably heard yourself and have no idea who it's by or what it's called. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To my shame, I've never bothered listening to anything else by <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rusted_Root" target="_blank">Rusted Root</a> who, apparently, were quite prolific before going on hiatus. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So anyway, this song is super peppy and Cheery. It may not have much in terms of lyrical complexity, but it just brings sunshine into the room whenever it's playing. And it doesn't sound like it's <i>trying</i> too hard, which I think is why it doesn't annoy me. I mean, I can't listen to more than one ABBA song without wanting to puke, but this can play on a loop. It's relaxed, pleasant. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There are a lot of sad songs out there, and a lot of reasons to be sad right now. This song is a great one to lift the spirits. </span></div>
Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-64696954562132990752020-05-01T20:39:00.002-04:002020-05-01T20:39:49.015-04:00Day 8: A Song About Drugs or Alcohol <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Alrighty, day 8, "A song about drugs or alcohol."<br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I went back and forth over a lot of options, but I think I have to settle on this one, here:<br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Roc Boys" is one of Jay-Z's songs inspired by the film <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Gangster_(film)" target="_blank">American Gangster</a>, </i>on the album of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Gangster_(album)" target="_blank">the same name</a>. (For unedited, click <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIFjzVWHYUg" target="_blank">here</a>.) I highly recommend both the film and the album it inspired. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Given the premise of the film, and how Jay-Z was basically remaking the movie in his music, yeah, this song is about drugs- specifically the selling of them, and riding the success thereafter. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And while no, I obviously don't condone drug rings, this song is ridiculously catchy, and I love it. </span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I don't think I've made a mix CD since I bought the </span><i style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">American Gangster </i><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">album that doesn't include "Roc Boys" on it (and I make them every few months). </span></div>
Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-27052920322145867472020-04-30T16:45:00.001-04:002020-04-30T16:46:19.843-04:00Song Challenge Day 7: A Song to Drive to<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For all five of you that are following this silly thing of mine, it's day 7 of the song challenge, and the prompt today is, "A Song to Drive to."<br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This is another fairly easy one. For your listening and driving pleasure: </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You're welcome.<br />
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Ok so this was the first song I heard by <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ZZ_Ward" target="_blank">ZZ Ward</a> and I fell in love with the blues-rock hybrid sound of it, and then I listened to the rest of her stuff (this was not too long after her <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Til_the_Casket_Drops_(ZZ_Ward_album)" target="_blank">first album</a> dropped, so eight years ago, give or take a few months). Oof, does this woman know how to wail and NOT sound like a dying chicken! If this song interests you at <i>all</i>, I implore you to look her up on Spotify or Apple Music or Prime Music or whatever the Hell else it is you use to listen to music. She's mega-talented and deserves way more attention, and it's a shame she's still somewhat obscure. Her second album is also a gem, and her mixtape <i>Eleven Roses</i> with her own versions of songs by other artists like Kendrick Lamar is just... </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Anyway, so "Move Like You Stole It" is a damn fun song. It's sexy, it's tough, it's assertive, it's bold. It's catchy! And that hint of gravel in her voice could easily sound like a cold in less-skilled hands, but she utilizes it just enough to give her singing an extra bit of depth without sounding gimmicky or ill.<br />
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One thing that I appreciated about this song was it's a <i>woman</i> singing about sexual desire and the things she'd do to her partner- it's a lot harder to find women singing about sex than men. You get your "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dP2t9LBeAwo" target="_blank">Red Light Special</a>"s and "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA5jsa1lR9c" target="_blank">2 Become 1</a>"s every now and again, but <a href="https://youtu.be/IVFXbkIruws" target="_blank">pretty</a> <a href="https://www.npr.org/2017/12/12/568728840/won-t-get-fooled-again-in-2017-women-confronted-the-deep-roots-of-rocks-boys-clu" target="_blank">much</a> <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misogyny_in_rap_music" target="_blank">every</a> <a href="https://www.statepress.com/article/2017/10/we-listen-to-songs-that-degrade-women" target="_blank">genre</a> has a sub-genre focused on tropes revolving around the exploitation, objectification, and/or dehumanization of women. So I adore the following, and will sing its praises until the day I die, because of the message it's sending:</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm not saying women should thus be exploiting dudes left and right (although the dudes in Maddie and Tae's video are pretty fucking hilarious- but it's SATIRE, so it's not the same thing) (and I should note, Bo Burnham even hints at the treatment of women in stadium country music with his generic "A good girl" line in his <a href="https://youtu.be/y7im5LT09a0" target="_blank">satirical country song</a>). But Women just rarely sing about sex, arousal, or desire.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So Ward's overt passes and statements are refreshing. She may be singing about driving, but she's <i>really</i> singing about something else. You go, girl. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But for real, overall, this song is a toe-tapper for sure, and I legit have to be careful not to start speeding when it pops up on the mix CDs I keep in my car (because sometimes I do tire of channel surfing*). Listen to it, relish it.<br /><br />And look up the rest of ZZ Ward's music. You will not be disappointed.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">*Again, sorry Beaux.</span></div>
Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-83707208423863545552020-04-29T18:57:00.001-04:002020-04-29T19:10:17.911-04:00Song Challenge 6: A Song That Makes You Want to Dance<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm pretty excited for this one. Day 6 in the song challenge is "A song that makes you want to dance."</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY8WJ-8TxIHrFHO245zAhLG1CHAO6J2MrLd_DOtbvdz1SNQUWMrcZO-SdoQHsagGdeYuykGzAi_T8rIDuTJ82c7zYw6kRta8F5dEU6eKjWTv-fXFpT-JdKi6Y3S92cUMrnFGxDpFpE3yE/s1600/Song+List.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="540" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY8WJ-8TxIHrFHO245zAhLG1CHAO6J2MrLd_DOtbvdz1SNQUWMrcZO-SdoQHsagGdeYuykGzAi_T8rIDuTJ82c7zYw6kRta8F5dEU6eKjWTv-fXFpT-JdKi6Y3S92cUMrnFGxDpFpE3yE/s640/Song+List.jpg" width="360" /></a></div>
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I didn't have to think much about this one. Even though I can't dance at all, I still know what I wish I could dance to, and right now, the main one is this:</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know the official video has that moment where it gets a little distorted, so if for some reason you've never heard this song before (WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN), <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHI8X4OXluQ" target="_blank">here's</a> The Weeknd's official audio version, completely intact.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I've thoroughly enjoyed all of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Weeknd" target="_blank">The Weeknd</a>'s previous albums, and his latest, <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/After_Hours_(The_Weeknd_album)" target="_blank">After Hours</a>, </i>absolutely does not disappoint. It came out right after I got stuck at home, and I listened to it on repeat for a week straight while my boyfriend was at work (he still has a job, huzzah!), and with headphones when he was home. I think it's his best work so far, and from what I've seen online, I guess <a href="https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-album-reviews/the-weeknd-after-hours-971129/" target="_blank">actual</a>, <a href="https://medium.com/@joeboothby/the-weeknd-after-hours-album-review-eba71aae6749" target="_blank">paid</a> critics <a href="https://variety.com/2020/music/reviews/the-weeknd-after-hours-album-review-1203539981/" target="_blank">agree</a>. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Whenever this song comes on the radio (or I find it when channel surfing- I am a <b>terrible</b> channel surfer*), I crank it up and start bobbing around in the driver's seat the way Tesfaye does partway through the video. I can't help it. If I'm at a red light, I start slapping** my thigh to the beat; if I'm not, it's the wheel. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The layers in this song are intoxicating. The synth hook is the kind of earworm I'm totally ok with having around. The simple but heavy beat begs for some sort of physical reaction (a tap, a nod, <i>something</i>). Tesfaye's voice is as smooth and sexy as ever. <i>I don't even mind the "HEY!"-ing</i>, something I often find a little annoying in songs- it somehow <b>fits</b> here, perhaps because of the excitement this song just kind of engenders. It all adds up to another song that, as the kids say, "slaps."</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In other words, this is a fucking good song. And it not only makes me <i>want </i>to dance, it makes me wish I even <i style="font-weight: bold;">could</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">One last thing: Honorable Mention goes to the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foE1mO2yM04" target="_blank">remix</a> of Mike Posner's "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41GZVVcxQps" target="_blank">I Took a Pill in Ibiza</a>." Both are great, in very different ways, and the remix just hits you in the face once the first chorus ends and it's like <b>DAY</b>-um. I'm just sad they cut the last verse from the remix, but still, it's one of the few club/dance remixes I even tolerate, let alone absolutely adore.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">*I'm sorry, Beaux.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">**Maybe that's where the "slap" thing came from when it comes to describing good songs?</span></div>
Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-25780426466763042692020-04-28T21:21:00.001-04:002020-04-28T21:21:08.578-04:00Song Challenge Day 5: A Song That Needs to be Played Loud<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's time for day 5, "A song that needs to be played loud." </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'll be honest, there are a lot of songs I crank the volume up for, but I think I need to go with this one: </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yes, I know that's the cleaned-up version, so <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWD9wVPwhH4" target="_blank">here's</a> the original. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ok. So.<br /><br />I know, I'm pretty white. I'm in no way saying I'm a "g" or anything like that. I know I am entirely removed from every single thing Fiddy is rapping about, here, and I have no intention of ever setting foot in a "club" for the rest of my life.<br /><br />But.<br /><br />Come on.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This song absolutely SLAPS, as the kids say, seventeen years after its release. Seriously, what dance/party playlist would be complete without this song, even nowadays? That's right, none. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That hook, that beat. You know you love it.<br /><br />Having never been to "da club" before, I still assert this is one of the best club songs ever.<br /><br />Change my mind.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Keep tapping your toes and nodding your head.<br /><br /></span></div>
Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-38229631993088067302020-04-27T15:56:00.002-04:002020-04-27T15:56:24.563-04:00Song Challenge Day 4: A Song That Reminds You of Someone You'd Rather Forget<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Time for Day 4 of the Song Challenge, "A song that reminds you of someone you'd rather forget."<br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm going with this one:</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If you've been following this blog for a while, or know me in person, you know who this song is about- I wrote about our breakup <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2016/12/finding-your-line-or-why-i-hate.html" target="_blank">before</a>.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Gomez sings about a man who started out wonderful, but whose narcissism took over her world, whose behavior trained her to put his needs before hers at all times. A man who had a somewhat carnal need to cause her pain, who would sabotage things she cared about simply because she cared about them. A man that kept holding her back and tearing her down.<br /><br />And she sings about herself, a woman who tried. A woman whose idealism kept her hanging on, only causing her more pain. But who eventually lets go and realizes she's none of the things he made her think. That she's worth more.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Funny enough, the only part that's off is the, "In two months you replaced us," bit- in actuality, <i style="font-weight: bold;">I </i>found someone new in about two months, and he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I left that ex out of self-preservation. But getting away from his toxicity has helped me gain a new perspective about myself, and started me on a journey with more self-love than I've ever felt for myself before. I still struggle with my self-image, but knowing I <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2017/01/on-bravery.html" target="_blank">did my best but still made the best choice I could</a>, helps me lean in a positive direction. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Still, I don't really like thinking of him, if for no other reason than I've moved on and am in an astronomically better relationship, and dwelling on my abuser can lead to some pretty low lows. Thinking of him frequently takes me to dark places, so I try not to. </span></div>
Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-60020910855940625072020-04-26T21:24:00.001-04:002020-04-26T21:24:59.495-04:00Day 3: A Song That Reminds You of Summer<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Time for Day 3, "A song that reminds you of summer."</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Y'all are probably going to make fun of me, but this song makes me think of summer when I hear it:</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />While it gained a resurgence in popularity thanks to and is mostly associated with the film <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shrek" target="_blank">Shrek</a></i>, the music video features clips from the criminally underrated/under-appreciated <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mystery_Men" target="_blank">Mystery Men</a>, </i>in which it featured heavily, and is meant to imply the band is interacting with the film's stars. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">This song came out relatively close to when summer vacation starts for kids. At home, while my mom was running errands or taking my siblings to specialists, I'd put <i>VH1</i> on in the background as I did chores, and this song must have played every gorram hour that summer following its release. </span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">It completely dominated my summer vacation.</span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />And the video itself, with its bright lighting and primary colors, invokes summer.<br /><br />Honestly, I don't have a whole lot more to say about it. It's still a good song, despite what haters say, and the memes that center around it are just delightful (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ey5GItze-BY" target="_blank">this</a> is one of my favorites, being somewhat of a music snob)- and the <a href="https://www.npr.org/2018/07/01/624236239/yes-smash-mouth-has-seen-the-all-star-memes" target="_blank">band is cool with them</a>, even!</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Really, I think the people ragging on "All Star" just hate happiness.</span></div>
Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-82927135663464437562020-04-25T20:50:00.003-04:002020-04-25T20:50:58.534-04:00Song Challenge Day 2: A Song With a Number in the Title<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Time for Day 2: "A song you like with a number in the title."</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Easy pick, this one was:</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I first heard this song in the movie <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fly_Away_Home" target="_blank">Fly Away Home</a></i>, of all places. I loved that movie- I watched it every time it was on TV. I even bought a copy of it when I was in college, although somewhere along the way it got lost.<br /><br />A year after the movie came out (so in 1997), my grandmother passed away from lung cancer. It wasn't a long, drawn-out battle, either- she was diagnosed in October and passed a few days after my birthday in March. (Happy birthday to me, right? Some sort of fucked up cosmic joke, and to this day, it's a reason I'm often reluctant to give a shit about making it another year.) It was sudden, nigh traumatic- in the blink of an eye, she went from teaching me about the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sedum_rubrotinctum" target="_blank">pork and beans plant</a> to herself being a vegetable, and then...<br /><br />Losing her was the beginning of the <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/06/marked-identity-and-perseverance.html" target="_blank">lifetime of hardship</a> I've endured. While I've had some brief moments of respite, it continues to be difficult, and beyond your everyday annoyances- deaths, <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2016/12/finding-your-line-or-why-i-hate.html" target="_blank">suicides</a>, <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2017/01/on-bravery.html" target="_blank">abuse</a>, couch surfing, health scares of my own (most of it I haven't even bothered to bring up here)- yadda, yadda, yadda. There is a reason I call this blog <i>American <b>Drama</b>dy</i>, after all. In my lowest moments, I lament how life won't give me a <i>fucking</i> break. I try to come out swinging, and do my best to laugh, but it can be difficult. So sometimes I find irrational things from which to draw strength when I can.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The singer is saying goodbye to someone they love dearly. But saying they won't be gone forever. Maybe it's entirely psychosomatic, but I think I created this unspoken promise from her- the promise that she'd still be there, here, present. </span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So I almost immediately related this song to my grandma once she was gone. And to this day, whenever I play it, I can feel her fingers scratching my scalp to comfort me (it was literally the only thing that could calm me down when I was little). I can smell her perfume. I can hear her laugh. I can hear her do that thing where she starts saying one of my siblings' names and switches to mine halfway through, something that never ceased to make me giggle. I see her working in the garden, the flowers we planted together, the butterfly she once got to land on her finger. I can smell her cooking, and I think of corned beef hash and scrambled eggs, of vanilla ice cream topped with canned peaches (I can't eat those combinations, to this day).</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />And I know she's there. And somehow, it's not that cheesy, "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0ZHlp6atUQ" target="_blank">You'll be in my heart</a>, always," kind of way. It feels tangible, again, however irrational it may be. And even though I often start sobbing (like I am now, 'natch!), it's cleansing. Grandma never told me <i>not</i> to cry- she didn't like seeing me sad or in pain, but she never told me to "stop crying." She knew me enough to know that if I was crying, it was because I needed it. I'd do that thing little kids do where their breath starts to heave as they're blubbering, and she'd curl me up in her arms and say it's ok, let it out, as she stroked my head, and I knew I was safe. And I'd feel better a lot faster when she did that. The release when I play "10000 Miles" is the same.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The soothing mood of the song is a lot like her presence. I think that had a lot to do with why I assigned this song to her memory. I only ever saw her angry once, and it had nothing to do with me- other than that, she was just this calm, steady, constant presence.<br /><br />Until she wasn't.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And the hint of sadness weaved throughout this song echoes the pain I still feel at her loss. Twenty-three years later, and it still feels fresh. Her death cut too deep for any song I equate with her to be cheerful- I can't force myself to laugh over losing her. I can laugh when recalling specific moments, but that's not the same thing.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I know I'm high-strung/emotional/whatever. </span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And yeah, I'm sentimental a-eff. </span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">There are much less healthy coping mechanisms, though, right? </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So even though it may appear this song makes me sad, it actually gives me comfort and strength. And even as I wipe away tears, I feel better. I don't listen to it often, deliberately- it's kind of like a trump card for me, along with watching <i><a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/08/unicorn-uuuunicooooooorn.html" target="_blank">The Last Unicorn</a></i>, something I save for when things are really hard so as not to dilute its effectiveness. And I think it's no coincidence that the same grandma that is the basis for <i>The Last Unicorn </i>being a source of comfort is the one I'm talking about here, as well.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">It's hard for me to find sanctuary. In this song, I do. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />I promise, tomorrow's won't be as sad. ;p</span></div>
Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-62609231327227381812020-04-24T22:44:00.001-04:002020-04-24T22:44:53.289-04:00Song Challenge Day 1: A Song with a Color in the Title<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So because of this pandemic, I've been home for over a month at this point. I've been trying to find different ways to occupy myself so as to not go stir-crazy or get too depressed, so I thought I would take this song challenge thing a friend on Facebook is doing and expand on it a little each day here. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know I'm starting in the middle of the month, so I'll just do all 31. Not that anyone will really care all that much, but it will be something for me to do aside from watching TV (I'm currently in season 3 of <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Trek:_Voyager" target="_blank">Star Trek: Voyager</a></i>) or playing video games (<i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloodborne" target="_blank">Bloodborne</a> </i>and the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resident_Evil_3_(2020_video_game)" target="_blank"><i>Resi 3 </i>remake</a>, a topic about which I hope to rant at some point soon, too, if I can just figure out how to say what I want).</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So, day 1 is "A song with a color in the title." Here's my choice:<br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I think the meaning behind this song often gets lost in the upbeat tempo and catchy hooks- but when you listen to the lyrics, it's not just about missing someone or something you took for granted. It's about conservation and enviornmentalism. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Hey farmer, farmer/ Put away the DDT now/ Give me spots on my apples/ But leave me the birds and the bees/ Please."</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You can be kind of snarky about it and say she's singing about sex, and I'm sure she deliberately chose that lyric in order to facilitate multiple meanings. But a different interpretation is she's telling a farmer to quit using pesticides on apples so it doesn't destroy the environment.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This song is fifty years old. And how are we doing?<br /><br />Welp.<br /><br />-We have <a href="https://www.vox.com/2018/10/9/17951924/climate-change-global-warming-un-ipcc-report-takeaways" target="_blank">ten years</a> before the entire global ecosystem collapses, with losses of coasts and islands due to sea levels rising as a result of ice caps melting, all coral reefs dying, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2018/oct/08/global-warming-must-not-exceed-15c-warns-landmark-un-report" target="_blank">water scarcity, crop failures</a>...<br /><br />-Oh, those ice caps are likely to so depleted that there will <a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2020/04/22/global-warming-summer-arctic-sea-ice-gone-2050/2999426001/" target="_blank"><i>be </i>no ice during summer</a> seasons within thirty years. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">-Most of the ecosystems in our oceans my collapse <a href="https://futurism.com/the-byte/predicts-ocean-ecosystem-collapse-this-decade" target="_blank">within this decade</a>. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">-And we're <a href="https://www.gq.com/story/climate-change-david-spratt" target="_blank">totally not prepared </a>for what could happen if we don't improve our policies and repair the damage, since we <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2019/11/26/us/climate-change-un-emissions-report-2019-trnd/index.html" target="_blank">aren't doing enough</a> to stave off catastrophe.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's a damned shame.<br /><br />Now I know anybody interested in reading what I have to say is already on board with this, but it's just infuriating because my generation and those after me are inheriting this <a href="https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/01/200114074046.htm" target="_blank">almost literal trash</a> fire from our parents and grandparents- and they're fine with it! They'll be dead, so they don't give a shit.<br /><br />I know I could do better- I could probably use less water when doing dishes, taking showers,etc., but there's still the fact that one person's contribution is negligible when compared to the biggest polluting companies in the world- so much so that the top eight produce <a href="https://www.agweb.com/article/the-8-companies-that-cause-more-pollution-than-the-entire-us-blmg" target="_blank">more pollution</a> than that caused by every person in the U.S. <i>combined</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But the raw molecules are only part of the story. Between the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/oct/09/polluters-climate-crisis-fossil-fuel" target="_blank">narrative sold to us by consumerism and society</a>, and the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/environment/true-north/2017/jul/17/neoliberalism-has-conned-us-into-fighting-climate-change-as-individuals" target="_blank">increasing neoliberalism</a> rampant in our political structures (the emphasis on the individual), we're stuck in a system where we think we have choices, but we don't, and we think our choices will make a difference, but their impact will only be marginal at best (assuming everyone makes the right ones together).<br /><br />But this is a lie.<br /><br />In truth, these companies have known as early as five years <i>before </i>Joni Mitchell wrote "Big Yellow Taxi" that they would destroy the environment. And instead of changing course, turning themselves into renewable sources of energy, they doubled down and bought government leaders- Congresspeople, governors, mayors, <a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/this-coal-company-with-ties-to-the-trump-administration-just-got-a-dollar10-million-small-business-loan/ar-BB12ZtmS" target="_blank">presidents</a>. They secure funding and tax breaks, <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/niallmccarthy/2019/03/25/oil-and-gas-giants-spend-millions-lobbying-to-block-climate-change-policies-infographic/#79ebdc8b7c4f" target="_blank">they block policies</a> that would go so far as to require them to (literally) clean up their act even just a fraction of a percent a year. They fund erroneous research via "thinktanks" they front, all the while putting forth a false pretense of being "clean" and "caring" about our environment and the world in which we live. Current marketing campaigns with sweeping shots of solar panels and an exaggerated presentation of their "push" for alternative energy like the video on <a href="https://corporate.exxonmobil.com/Research-and-innovation/Research-and-development-highlights" target="_blank">this</a> page abound.<br /><br />Interestingly, in that video, they emphasize how they've spent $16.5B on this research since 2000. But, given the <i><b>lowest </b></i>their annual revenue has been since then was $205.251B, one would think that if they really cared as much as they did, they would be spending a lot more on alternatives and efficiency- as it stands, $16.5B over twenty years isn't much at all for a company that huge.<br /><br />And yet, they've convinced us that <i>we</i> are the ones at fault, for our own daily practices. It's our fault for driving so much, let alone how their cohorts <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/19/climate/koch-brothers-public-transit.html" target="_blank">block public transit</a> and oil companies <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Who_Killed_the_Electric_Car%3F#Oil_companies" target="_blank">contributed to the fall</a> of the first wave of electric cars by GM in the '90s. It's our fault for using traditional energy, yet they make no effort to create affordable solar or wind options for anyone aside from the 1%. It's our fault for using gorram<a href="https://slate.com/business/2019/09/plastic-straw-bans-paper-culture-war.html" target="_blank"> plastic straws</a> (and plastic in general), even though the alternatives are still more expensive and sometimes don't quite cut it.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The only way things are going to improve is if fundamental shifts in how our society functions and operates occur. Mass transit needs to become the <i>primary</i> means of transportation in every community. Renewable energy for the home needs to not only be made affordable for the middle-class, but flat-out provided to the working poor. Plastic alternatives need to be less expensive. Fossil fuel companies' current sources of revenue, i.e. fossil fuels, need to become obsolete. Tesla can't be the only company making fully electric cars.<br /><br />Big changes. And we're nowhere near any of them right now.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">So, "Big Yellow Taxi." Every time I hear it, whether it's the original or that ubiquitous <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvtJPs8IDgU" target="_blank">cover </a>by the Counting Crows and Vanessa Carleton, I tap my toes while also kind of having a slight tantrum in my head. Because fifty years ago, one of the greatest singer-songwriters of the last century warned us about what we're doing to our planet. And we haven't really listened.<br /><br />We won't really know what we've got until it's gone, and by then, it will be too late.<br /><br />Happy Friday?</span></div>
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</span>Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-56854668495302484322020-03-27T21:01:00.000-04:002020-03-27T21:01:09.888-04:00A Big Fat Problem<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Story Time:</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">On the 2oth, right in the middle of this Covid-19 pandemic, my throat started to hurt. I brushed my teeth three times that day and used mouthwash after every time I ate something, but the morning of the 21st, I realized I needed to get in touch with a doctor somehow because I was likely coming down with strep throat- swallowing was more difficult than normal, and when I was talking to my cats (I do this, so what?), I noticed I was swallowing a lot more than usual, something that happens when I have strep. I tried to avoid going into a clinic, since I know they're bogged down and stuff, but since my primary care office was closed (it was a Saturday), I had to go to an urgent care clinic. I've been to this location probably seven or eight times at this point, and the clinic itself is lovely, but I did feel bad taking up their time during all of this chaos. Still, I chose this location specifically because they'd have record of a lot of my past bouts with strep and, hopefully, that would expedite the process.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">The nurse and I were joking around (I always try to be fun with healthcare professionals) when she was getting my temperature and doing my throat swab for the strep test, and when I told her my history with strep and the exact prescriptions and dosages I was hoping to get from the doctor to alleviate my symptoms, she was impressed. "Wow, you know exactly what you need! You'll be out of here and feeling better in no time!"<br /><br />She was also impressed with how I handled the throat swab- "Dang, I can tell you've done this plenty of times before, you didn't even flinch!" </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Her confidence in the care I was about to receive had me in a pretty good mood when she left the room with my throat culture sample, and I felt relieved.<br /><br />Then the doctor came in, and her first words were, "The test came back negative, so you just have a sore throat." She was terse and rather than make eye contact, she was looking me up and down, lingering on my stomach a lot.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"I was expecting that, but let's send the sample out," I said, trying to be cheery. "Pretty much every time it goes to the lab after being negative in the office, the lab calls me back and says they got a positive result. It's in my chart, if you want to take a look."</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"If you insist, we can send it out." Another pause to look me up and down. "Let's check your breath." She spent a long time on this, which I understand, given breathing problems is a big part of Covid-19. When she felt my neck, her fingers barely touched my skin, and it came across more as for show than any sincere effort to find out if anything is actually swollen. When she looked in my throat, it was for less than a second, and she immediately turned her back to me and said, "You don't have spots, so you don't have strep."<br /><br />"Again, that doesn't surprise me, but I've had positive lab results without spots plenty of times before, so in my experience, that doesn't rule it out. It's all there in my chart, if you'd look at it really quick. If you'd just prescribe me an antibiotic now, I can avoid having to go back to the pharmacy once the lab results come back. The less I have to go out during all this, the better, right?"</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Well I think you just have a sore throat, so I'm not giving you an antibiotic." She folded her arms across her chest while turning back to me to stare at my stomach again, and she pointedly made no effort to move towards the computer to look at my records.<br /><br />"Ok, well, if you look at my history, you'll see how often the rapid tests are negative and the lab ones are positive, so are you sure we can't just be proactive here?"</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">Looking me up and down again, still not at the computer, "You don't have strep. You have no fever, no spots, your lymph nodes are barely swollen. You just have nasal drip or something." She shook her head back and forth really quickly a few times to emphasize her frustration.<br /><br />"Look, it's true, I get nasal drip, but this is beyond that, I can feel it. I know what my body's trying to tell me, I have some sort of infection. Maybe not even strep, but a sinus infection, at least, since they often start out like this, too. Please, just look at my chart and you'll see this happens to me all the time."<br /><br />She rolled her eyes, unfolded her arms, and stepped to the computer. I let out a little sigh of relief, which she heard and gave me side-eye for. Then a second or two later, "Well I see here you have seasonal allergies, it's probably just that."<br /><br />"Atually, my allergen hasn't even been pollinating-"<br /><br />"I'm going to re-prescribe your antihistamines to stop the drip, since it's obvious this is just your allergies acting up, and I'm going to give you a spray to numb your throat." Lazer eyes.<br /><br />"I'll take the allergy meds, since I can always use more of those, but my allergies aren't what's causing this, I know it, so I don't really NEED-need them right now. And ma'am, I'm going to have to say no to the spray. Those don't do anything to reduce swelling and only <i>hide</i> inflammation, not get rid of it. I want something to actually <b>stop</b><i style="font-weight: bold;"> </i>the swelling and inflammation, and if you're not willing to give me an antibiotic, can I at least get a steroid to do that for me? Prednisone has always worked to actually end the symptoms, especially when paired with Amoxicillin or something." (Amoxicillin is a fairly strong antibiotic; Prednisone is a steroid.)<br /><br />"I'm not giving you Amoxicillin, but I can give you Prednisone if you don't want a spray."<br /><br />"Ok, thank you."<br /><br />"I'll go put that in and be right back."<br /><br />The door closed exponentially louder behind her than it had the nurse.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;"><br />It wasn't until I was home with my Prednisone that I realized it was the weakest dosage I've ever received. And since I wasn't even very congested at that point, and no, my allergies were <i>not </i>acting up, the allergy meds did nothing. The lab results did come back negative, but that weak steroid dosage wasn't strong enough to even reduce, let alone eliminate, the swelling. So h</span><span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">ere I am, six days later, and I feel worse. My throat is more swollen, I have some spots on my throat now, the inflammation has spread to a larger area, and I'm pretty sure I have at least a bad sinus infection, if not also strep, because now I <i>am</i> congested and I've had a constant sinus headache since yesterday morning, plus that kind of mildly foggy feeling that accompanies either strep or sinusitis. There was even a little blood in the gunk I coughed up this morning (something I'll get to in a second). </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;"><b>Exposition Time: </b></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I mentioned <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2019/06/spooning-and-justing.html" target="_blank">before</a> that strep is a Thing I deal with a lot, but didn't go into the nitty-gritty as to why. There's a sort of long history that's catching up to me, now that I live in a place with grass, so if you don't mind....</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I was a kid, I got various throat infections a lot, likely due to my crappy sinuses. I've had nasal drip pretty much my entire life, to some extent, and it comes as no surprise that this leads to inflammation or worse in my throat. In particular, I came down with strep throat a few times a year, without fail, but for this, that, and the other reasons, my tonsils were never removed. So, every infection led to more scar tissue and damage on my tonsils. By this, I mean that while a healthy tonsil looks more like a golf ball, mine look more like peach pits now- lots of deep crevices and literal holes in which anything going down my throat (nasal drip or otherwise) can get stuck. Add to this the recent revelation from an <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otorhinolaryngology" target="_blank">ENT</a> that my tonsils never shrank, it's pretty easy to understand how a small sinus issue can turn into a big throat one- I have abnormally large tonsils, each with their own networks of Grand Canyons in which bacteria can fester and multiply. And unfortunately, there's only so much that a good oral hygiene regimen can do for me to reduce the gunk- it helps, but it can't prevent infections entirely. My tonsils are just too messed up and there's just too much drip for that. I cough up a glob of mucus every morning (and during the day, if I need to) and use alcohol-free mouthwash to kill bacteria, but I can't get everything out of my tonsils all the time. I take expectorants like Mucinex to thin the stuff out a lot, too, but that only does so much, as well.<br /><br />I'm also severely allergic to grass. So much so that multiple allergists have said if it gets any worse, I would need to carry a rescue inhaler- and I've never had anything resembling asthma in my life. Now, this wasn't a <i>huge</i> problem for me when I was growing up, since I lived in Las Vegas, where it's just, y'know, dirt. But once college happened and I moved to greener areas, my sinuses got exponentially worse, and I was diagnosed (again, multiple times) with varying forms of chronic sinusitis/sinus infections as a result of constant exposure to grass pollen. </span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So, my sinuses are making more mucus now, which means more gunk is sliding down my throat, which means more gunk is getting stuck in those crevices, which means more throat infections. For the past three years, I've had strep on average about a half-dozen times- each. Not overall, each. Each year.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me, trying to sleep on the couch to<br />elevate my head and reduce the sinus pressure</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">Due to the nature of the infection, strep isn't the kind of thing I can anticipate and schedule an appointment in advance for (at least no more than twenty-four hours), nor are sinus infections. And since I work hourly and have hardly any sick time (the state of Washington mandates it for everyone, but it's reeeeeeeally slow in accruing), the best I can do is bounce around urgent care clinics. And thus I have never seen the same doctor twice for throat issues. This is why I've made a concerted effort over the last year to go to the same one every time, so that they'd have an ongoing record of all of this crap to use as a reference. But, even though I've been there a bunch of times, for whatever reason, I still keep seeing a different doctor every visit.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The first few times (in the past couple years) I was diagnosed with strep, I waited until the symptoms were all-consuming before seeing a doctor, until the fever and full-body aches and being unable to swallow or talk was making me basically non-functional and "look like death" (according to a boss that sent me home on one such occasion). So, understandably, the rapid strep tests done in the office those times came back positive, and I was immediately prescribed steroids to reduce the swelling and inflammation (once even given a shot right then and there, which was just. MAGICAL.) and antibiotics to get rid of the infection. But I'm a grown-ass woman, and I know my body. So I've become pretty damn adept at telling when it's starting to fester, and now I go the moment I start suspecting it's happening. I don't think it's a coincidence, then, that I haven't had a positive in-office rapid test result in two years.<br /><br />But.<br /><br />Only twice did the result once my sample was sent to the lab (something you can request if you think it was a false negative, or if there are symptoms pointing to strep but the original test was negative) remain negative. In other words, I've become good enough at detecting when my body is coming down with strep that I get into the doctor before it's severe enough for the quick test to show it, but once they let it grow in a Petrie dish, my samples come back positive. And those two times it didn't come back positive, I was still diagnosed with a <i>sinus </i>infection, so I was still on the right track. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And </span><i style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">this, </i><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">friends, is where it gets hairy. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because in all these times (at least a dozen at this point) that the rapid test came back negative, there's been a pretty even split between doctors that took me seriously and doctors that didn't. This has led to a direct correlation between how seriously I'm taken and how quickly I feel better. And I think a major contributing factor is</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">BECAUSE I'M FAT, I'M FAT, COME ON,<br />YA KNOW!</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">I'm overweight; it just is what it is. And I genuinely believe this is impacting the quality of care I've been receiving. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">It's a known fact that there are myriad <a href="https://hms.harvard.edu/news/combating-bias-medicine" target="_blank">biases</a> in medicine. <a href="http://cedars-sinai.org/research/news/cedars-science/2019/examining-gender-bias-in-medical-care.html" target="_blank">Gender</a>, <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/25/upshot/doctors-and-racial-bias-still-a-long-way-to-go.html" target="_blank">race</a>, and general <a href="https://www.rcpe.ac.uk/sites/default/files/jrcpe_48_3_osullivan.pdf" target="_blank">heuristics/shortcuts </a> can impact how a doctor interprets symptoms and how well they actually listen to their patients, as well as influence the steps the doctor decides are necessary. There is a reason black women are more <a href="https://www.nbcnews.com/health/womens-health/u-s-finally-has-better-maternal-mortality-data-black-mothers-n1125896" target="_blank">than twice as likely to die giving birth</a> than their white counterparts. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">And unfortunately, weight is another basis for discrimination in the doctor's office. <a href="https://www.statnews.com/2016/06/03/weight-obese-doctors-patients/" target="_blank">Life-threatening issues</a> unrelated to weight get ignored in favor of diagnoses more easily linked to obesity; discussions, no matter where they start, always get looped back to how <a href="https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/" target="_blank">losing weight will fix the problem</a>; overweight patients <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/26/health/obese-patients-health-care.html" target="_blank">don't even get the chance to explain what they're going through</a> before doctors assume their only problem is their size. This leads to not only <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4714720/" target="_blank">inadequate care, but also frequently results in disengagement</a> with and avoidance of the healthcare system on the part of overweight and obese patients. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So in light of this, think about that interaction I described with the doctor at the urgent care. While sure, I have no doubt she was at least partly frustrated because some crazy lady insisted she had strep during a global pandemic and oh! look! the rapid test was negative; her body language and the way she kept looking me up and down (especially the lingering on my stomach) left no room for doubt in my mind that my weight was a huge factor in her treatment of me. She made hardly any effort to really check to see how swollen my throat actually was and wanted to prescribe me something that has nothing to do with swelling (the spray), even though I was there <i>because my throat was swollen and I was having a harder time swallowing and talking than normal</i>. She was visibly annoyed at my insistence she simply look at my medical history. She would not listen when I tried to explain to her why I was certain I had some sort of infection. She prescribed me allergy medicine I explicitly told her I did not <i>need</i>, and gave me a super low dosage for the one thing I asked for that she was willing to give, the Prednisone. And even though she insisted it was allergies, she never even bothered to ask me what I'm allergic to, even cut me off when I tried to tell her. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">She's not the first doctor to insist all I had was just a "sore throat." She isn't even the first to prescribe me a numbing spray, which is why I knew it wouldn't work and put my foot down with her. Other doctors, even if they admitted my lymph nodes were swollen, have fallen back on my allergies and nasal drip and said all I needed was to numb my tonsils and it will pass. Never mind the fact that, again, sprays like that don't <i>reduce</i> swelling or <i>stop</i> inflammation- they literally just numb the area, hiding the symptoms, not ending them. Twice, when I was feeling sicker than I did with this most recent doctor and thus didn't have the energy to fight the doctors on those occasions over the spray, I called my pharmacy as I was leaving and told them not to bother with it. Both of those times, I got a phone call two days later saying my lab result was a positive strep test. <i style="font-weight: bold;">THEN</i> I went to the pharmacy, to get my antibiotic. Both those times, it was around two weeks before I felt entirely normal again. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me, to these doctors</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />In contrast, when doctors listened to me and understood, even if the lab result took three days to come back as positive, by then I would at least already be <i>feeling</i> a little better, since they had prescribed me much stronger courses of Prednisone- one even scoffed at the idea of a spray when I brought it up with him, asking him why he didn't try that ("Those don't do shit for swelling, as you know!"). Each of those times, I felt fine and was more frustrated I had to stay home for twenty-four hours while the antibiotic kicked in (twenty-four hours is the standard time for an antibiotic to eliminate the possibility of infecting others) <i>because</i> I was feeling mostly normal by the time I even started said antibiotic.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How I felt every time I left these doctor visits</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;"><b>So What?</b><br /><br />I would think it's fairly obvious why this upsets me. On a personal level, I'm in pain and feel like crap because that doctor wouldn't listen to me. Because at the very least, if she had given me a stronger course of steroids, my throat wouldn't hurt nearly as much as it does right now. And it also felt super shitty to be so overtly judged and dismissed for my size by someone who is supposed to want to help me, especially when in direct contrast with the positive way the nurse responded to my needs- <i>she</i> seemed totally confident I'd walk out with antibiotics and a steroid, and she verbally praised my knowledge of my body's needs. Going from the nurse to the doctor was a complete 180, and it was emotionally harrowing. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">On a greater level, like I said before, it's common knowledge that this is a Thing, even if it doesn't get, like, huge coverage in the media. And I stand by all my fat brothers and sisters in declaring this unjust. I shouldn't have to say this by now, but there are lots of reasons for people's being overweight, and it's not always lifestyle choices. At one point, my primary care doctor told me I would never be under a size twelve, which is considered "plus-sized," because of my build, genetics, and metabolism. I had been dieting and exercising "like I'm supposed to," according to the cultural zeitgeist, but she told me to stop because I would never get down to a size close to what I wanted (I was hoping for a six or eight), and there was no point in being miserable about my body AND my desire to eat a fucking cheeseburger- I may as well eat the cheeseburger, she said, otherwise I would just be more miserable, plus could actually put myself in danger, since my body is not set up to be that small. And I know this is a factor that often gets glossed over, that some people are just bigger by nature.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">Discrimination like this is unkind at best, and dangerous at worst. And I use that word deliberately- discrimination. Because us bigger folks, our rights as patients are being ignored or flat-out denied simply because of how we look. We deal with marginalization in so many other areas of our lives, and having it take place in the area that is meant to keep us living is tragic. We shouldn't avoid care because we're afraid of being judged. We shouldn't get sicker because we're being ignored. We shouldn't die because we weren't taken seriously. Nobody should, for any reason.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;"><b>Caveat(s):</b></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">1) Ok, so I know the timing of this rant is pretty shitty- there's literally a global pandemic on the loose, yeah. And believe me, I am 100% on the side of healthcare workers in the face of this Covid-19 crisis. My heart goes out to them now, and if there was ever a time to make the argument health care workers deserve hazard pay, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/mar/26/as-if-a-storm-hit-33-italian-health-workers-have-died-since-crisis-began" target="_blank">now is it</a>. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">But. A clinic being busy is no excuse for discriminatory service. I would hope this isn't a controversial statement, but who knows? I can totally see a bunch of death threats coming my way because I'm not supporting our <strike>troops</strike> healthcare workers right now. But honestly, if they do, it would just prove my point, that people don't give a shit about fat people, and that the biases and prejudices that lead to this uneven care are j<a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/10/its-not-for-you-you-don-t-need-one-stop.html" target="_blank">ustified by society as a whole</a>.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">2) There's hope for my immediate recovery. I have to jump through some hoops, but provided my throat doesn't swell shut before then and I end up in urgent care once more, I have an appointment with my primary care doctor Monday morning and that aforementioned ENT Tuesday morning. Between the two of them, I should be able to get what I need. It's just shitty it's going to take this many talks/visits to get what I could have had from day one. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;"><br /></span>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You, right now</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">I know, and that's kind of the point. I'm lucky I'm going to (eventually) get what I need, and it shouldn't be that way. But it is what it is. Sucks, doesn't it?</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;"><b><i>Fin.</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;"><br /></span>Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-87837741569264992892020-02-05T15:20:00.001-05:002020-02-06T00:41:05.323-05:00Abusing is a Choice, and Johnny Made it, Too<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Mild Spoilers for <i>Big Little Lies- because let's face it, I think errbody knows the deal with Nicole Kidman's character by now, but just in case you have NO IDEA and just CAN'T be spoiled in the least, you may wanna skip this one, kiddo</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In <i>Big Little Lies</i>, season 1, we are witness to the abusive and toxic relationship between Celeste (played beautifully, heartbreakingly by Nicole Kidman) and her husband Perry (played hauntingly by Alexander Skarsgard (sorry, I legit can't figure out how to do the little doodad over the second "a" in his name :( )). While we can see Celeste getting <i>some</i>thing out of it, the show tries to make it pretty clear that Perry is the abuser and Celeste is the abused.<br />
<br />
Then season 2 happens.<br />
<br />
And while I can't find any super useful clips online (good job, HBO, you bastards), it complicates this dichotomy more. Because during the course of the second season, Celeste admits to having also hit Perry, and that the abuse made sex with him more exciting and satisfying. In the end, she still proves that this does not make her an unfit mother, and that she did what she had to do to adapt to her situation and survive. Ultimately, she admits some culpability while still maintaining that she lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety for her own safety and the safety of her twin sons.<br />
<br />
In other words, the show moves from painting her as 100% a victim to having somewhat of a hand in her situation, while still maintaining she was, overall, a victim. I can't remember all the ways how, but I know between the two seasons, as well as the combination of Celeste's descriptions to others plus the times we're actually shown the violence, it's made clear that Perry used his greater physical strength and size against her by pinning her, lifting her in a way that made her prone and defenseless (by her hair at least once, for example), and/or trapping her in places from which she had no escape (although it backfired in the shower that one time, but it's likely that was a fluke and who knows? a predator like that, he'd probably hit her in the shower before; it's at least not hard to believe, especially given how <i>utterly </i>terrified she is that time he gives her a necklace in there). So even though there are a few times where she stands up for herself and essentially "starts" the fight (which is, of course, messed up- it's not like she deserves to be punched for trying to set a boundary), in the end, he would use tactics that rendered her helpless and overpower her before she even had much chance to physically harm <i>him</i>. Still, even though she accepts and works through the fact that she wasn't 100% innocent, that doesn't mean she deserved what happened, nor that her treatment of Perry is equivalent to how he treated her.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I bring this up because this news about Amber Heard and Johnny Depp reminds me of it. And what's so fucking frustrating about it is from the moment Heard published her op-ed in the <i>New York Times</i>, the idea that she's making it all up has been pretty damn loud. So now that there is <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7947733/Amber-Heard-admits-hitting-ex-husband-Johnny-Depp-pelting-pots-pans-tape.html" target="_blank">audio</a> where she admits some culpability, there's suddenly this huge "Justice for Johnny" campaign that entirely exonerates him from his part in the abuse.<br />
<br />
Not even that. It paints him as 100% the victim, as Season 1 Celeste. Like he was entirely innocent and did absolutely nothing to harm Heard.<br />
<br />
And I'm over here thinking, "Fuck, did these people all read the same stuff I did before?"</span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: purple;">Me, to the whole Internet lately</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: purple;">Because this "free Johnny" stuff ignores that she has photographic evidence of abuse, has corroboration from friends who took her call when she was upset over him getting physical, who came over and saw the aftermath, or called 911 for her because they could hear it happening. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Also.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Listen to the audio. His language is frequently one of mutual culpability. Lots of "we," lots of "you and I"-ing. And "...physical abuse on each other." And having been afraid of a partner, I know that yes, sometimes a victim will claim some fault in order to placate them during reconciliation- I've been there. But if this is all we have, then conjecture and assuming that's all he's doing is... reckless, at best. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And yes, it's important to acknowledge that he does talk about leaving... once. One night, out of the eighteen months they were married, plus their time together before nuptials. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Unfortunately, this isn't a television drama. This is real life. Unlike Celeste and Perry's story, we can't see everything- every fight, every instance of abuse. So we have no way of knowing exactly what happened every time they got physical with each other.<br />
<br />
But.<br />
<br />
Heard admitting she would "lose it" does not mean Depp never did, too. Heard admitting she hit him doesn't mean Depp never hit <i>her</i>. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And folks, I've been around abuse. Even if he didn't start it every single time, he always, always had a choice. The fact that he made the right one once doesn't mean he did it every time. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I've said (or maybe implied, I guess) before, I got out of my abusive relationship probably within a few days of being phyically abused. I was lucky. But when we were still together, I could get pretty nasty when we were fighting.<br />
<br />
My ex-boyfriend has a son that, at the time we started dating, he hadn't seen in well over a year. When I left him, he still hadn't- so by then, it had been closer to four years. And as awful as I feel about it, as un-proud I am about it, I used that against him. I would say things like, "Maybe if you got your fucking shit together, I'd finally get to meet the kid you <i style="font-weight: bold;">claim</i> you want me to be a mom to!" and, "You think you deserve to see your kid when you act like that?" or even, "He's better off without you."</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: purple;">You, to me</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
I know. I hate me a little for it, and I always will. I apologized to him as I was leaving, but I'll probably never forgive myself. I lashed out, said things I knew would wound him severely as a result of and in retaliation for the wounds he had given me. In other words, I made the choice to hurt him back.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As I've <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/06/marked-identity-and-perseverance.html" target="_blank">said before</a>,* being good is a choice. Doing the right thing is just that: An action verb, a gerund**. It's not passive. No one <i>is</i> good, we <i style="font-weight: bold;">do </i>as much good as we can. Just being oneself is a process, and all we can do is make it a process focused on <i>doing</i> the "right" thing every time we're given a choice not to.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I bring this up to point out that while I'm more of a Season 2 Celeste, someone that was hurt and maybe did some stupid stuff as a result/way to cope, Heard isn't automatically a Perry- essentially evil, nigh irredeemably so- just because she admits she was also abusive. Mutual abuse is, by its very nature, never one-sided. And it's horrendously, uncomfortably, disturbingly complex. It's not black-and-white, i</span></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">t's all kinds of gray, and not that 50-shades ball-hooey.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Unlike the Entire Internet, I don't find it hard to believe that Heard could have hit Depp but that he also hit her, too. Her admitting culpability does not absolve him from his. Worst case scenario: They're both absolute trash and neither deserves a career anymore because fuck that. But that's just it: <i style="font-weight: bold;">BOTH</i> OF THEM. Because if Heard deserves to be "canceled" or whatever for hitting Depp, then the same goes for him. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And of course, I have no doubt Depp was hurting, too, and not just physically. It's obvious in the recordings (and stands to reason) that he loved her and wanted to make things work. Because a</span></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">nother thing about abusive relationships that people tend to gloss over is that someone can, in the best way they're capable of, love the partner they abuse. Yes, it's twisted, it's selfish, it's toxic, but it's still their version of love. And so I do have some sympathy for both, because by golly, I can't imagine how fucked up it would be to have that much extremity involved with the person I love- the guilt, the shame, the anger, but also the joy, the bliss, the passion. </span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But is it so hard to believe that they </span><i style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">both</i><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> chose to hurt one another? At least subconsciously, if not overtly?</span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"> </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: purple;">Apparently it is!!!!***</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Honestly, though, what this whole "free Johnny" crap demonstrates is the deep misogyny embedded in the public reaction to all of this, and the double standards women face when they try to come forward about abuse of any kind. Because like I said, since Heard first came forward, the court of public opinion has basically put her on trial the way victims are treated in real court rooms. Take <a href="https://www.glamour.com/story/taylor-swift-sexual-assault-trial-cross-examination" target="_blank">Taylor Swift's case</a> for example: The opposing attorney was basically just trying to gaslight her the whole time she was on the stand (and how glorious it was that she <i>was not having it</i>) (you may dislike her music, but that's fucking badass, come on). All sorts of shit about how Heard could have left sooner, it wasn't like she didn't have her own money, if he was already abusing her why did she marry him, etc. It's just disgusting.<br />
<br />
So now? Now, there's an excuse to just brush her off entirely.<br />
<br />
JK Rowling must be wiping her TERFy forehead with relief right now, I tell ya. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As a slight aside, too- I know <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2016/12/finding-your-line-or-why-i-hate.html" target="_blank">from experience</a> that toxicity is never there from the beginning. It seeps in, slowly, gradually, until suddenly you realize you're covered in it and basically this guy:</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So this idea that she "should" have got out sooner if he was so bad is hogwash. Saying stuff like "leave the first time he disrespects you" and "the moment he tells you what to wear, get out" is a form of victim-blaming, and it's easy to say from the outside. Nevermind the fact that so much of what makes domestic abuse so difficult to get away from is the unhealthy dependency that gets conditioned into <i>both</i> parties- no, just get out as soon as he's a little mean!</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But that's just it: It always starts small, in little ways that are easy to explain and forgive. And when you're in the thick of the relationship, you're seeing the forest and missing the trees. And eventually you're so busy staring at the canopy, you fail to realize that 90% of the trees are actually rotten. And even though maybe you see dying trees in your periphery, you focus like a lazer on the one or two that are still green and beautiful, because it's the only way you can keep going, the only way to justify to yourself the fact that you fell for it. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And honestly? This could genuinely apply to both Heard <i>and</i> Depp. They're only human. Neither of them was throwing stuff or pulling hair the first week. It started with a nasty remark, maybe a slap or pulled puch that was legitimately meant to be a joke. And as time went on, they both started doing things that were worse, darker, progressively less and less okay, less and less funny. Until POOF! their behavior got so extreme there were bruises and blood. As Depp put it, it was "a crime scene." It evolved into that, though, crept up on both of them.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But to assume it's all made up when Heard is the victim, and then that everything she says is suddenly true as long as it pertains to hurting Depp is downright gross. There's a recording of Heard admitting she hit him, there's <b>also</b> at least one third party that says they witnessed Depp hitting her. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I want to reiterate that last point- a <i>THIRD PARTY</i> witness has given statements about the abuse inflicted on Heard. Ignoring this while taking that recording at face value is willful hypocrisy. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I don't give a damn about either of them individually, no more than I would anyone else I don't know- I don't wish them harm, no, but I don't stay up at night worrying if either is ok. But this wave of "free Johnny" stuff, that I care about, and that has literally kept me up at night- because it's another example of a woman's case being nitpicked and torn apart in order to exonerate the man that did her harm. And even if she hit him, he hit her, too (and, according to that friend of Heard's, even ripped some of her gorram hair out). Sure, she should be held accountable- I'm not saying she shouldn't. But so should <b>he</b>. And if you think for one moment that he's innocent now, then just get your head out of your ass, or admit you're a sheep that's too easily duped by misogynistic narratives that are formulated specifically to preserve male hegemony. Please, people just....</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <br />
*Oh me from a few years ago, admiring Hillary so blindly........... We all make mistakes. Le sigh.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
**I fucking love gerunds. About as much as my Oxford commas. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">***Pardon my terrible MS Paint job. A more skilled person would turn it into a gif somehow. I am not that person. </span></span>Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-37766992876006926972019-10-22T00:23:00.004-04:002019-10-22T12:44:57.235-04:00Happy Birthday, My Princess, My General<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: purple;">I'm a grownass woman, yeah, but I love Disney movies, always have, always will. </span><br />
<br /><span style="color: purple;">As an adult, I've had to separate the content they create from the shenanigans their company gets into, like how they recently got greedy with Spider-Man and caused Sony to yeet out of there. <a href="https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/spider-man-divorce-ugly-side-disney-fandom-1233849" target="_blank">This article does a great job</a> talking about that distinction (and how some fans seem to willfully blind themselves from the dirty truth about Disney as a company), and I loved this line in particular: </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000;">"I can tell you as a Disney fan that being excited about what it's offering while also being aware of the company's great appetite are not mutually exclusive terms."</span><br />
</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="">Even though I loved the movies I was watching as a kid, there was frequently some dissonance between how much I liked the female characters and how much I was <i>supposed to</i> like them. Ariel annoyed me because I knew, even when I was five, that she was being disobedient and reckless and just ended up <i>lucky </i>that things worked out for her. Belle, I related to in the sense that she didn't really have any friends, but I also recognized when I was little that she gave up her dreams of "adventure in the great wide somewhere" for a dude; plus, I was made fun of for being fat and ugly, while she was admired for her beauty by the people being assholes to her. Jasmine was just too underdeveloped for me and didn't really have much to do in her movie except get captured and rescued by dudes (although her owning a goddamned tiger as a pet certainly helped). Cinderella, Snow White, and Aurora were just flat-out boring to me*. I <i>loved</i> Mulan, but she's not a princess (even though the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disney_Princess" target="_blank">Disney Princes Line™</a> has been including her as kind of a supporting character since its launch in 2000, and she was also part of the princess ensemble in <i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRQcE30Jmew" target="_blank">Ralph Breaks the Internet</a></i>) and Megara (they started including her in the Princess Line™ later, also more background/tangential, and she was <i>not </i>in <i>Ralph</i>), but she also wasn't a princess, and anyway, she wasn't even the star of her movie.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px=""><br />
</span></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="">It isn't that I didn't like the movies, let me reiterate. Even as a little kid, I was already picking the things I enjoyed apart and finding problematic aspects of things such as plot, character development, etc., much like I do now. So yeah, I had <i>Beauty and the Beast</i> stuff all over my room as a kid, since that was my favorite Disney movie (still ranks pretty high, too), even though I knew it was a plothole that Belle never really <i>did </i>anything "adventurous" in her movie. I'd reenact the big "Part of Your World" moment where Ariel rises up and the wave splashes behind her in the bathroom all the time (much to my mom's chagrin), even while bemoaning how she was a "bad girl." I just wasn't big into the whole Princess thing because I hadn't come across a <i>princess</i> that seemed worth really admiring. </span></span><br />
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</span></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="">Then George Lucas released <a href="https://www.ebay.com/i/264375394908?chn=ps&norover=1&mkevt=1&mkrid=711-117182-37290-0&mkcid=2&itemid=264375394908&targetid=596843708798&device=c&mktype=pla&googleloc=9033273&poi=&campaignid=2086087905&mkgroupid=76935344123&rlsatarget=pla-596843708798&abcId=1141016&merchantid=6296724&gclid=CjwKCAjw5fzrBRASEiwAD2OSVyWccHQ_gTcBVxFPw-g4il6tMQfFwzvipYUyBZ0XeePGh_Y_gcBrixoCiw4QAvD_BwE" target="_blank">that VHS box set </a>of the "special edition" in 1997. You know the one. The one where Han <i>doesn't </i>shoot first, the one everybody had been waiting over a decade for because they thought it was going to include cut scenes and stuff (oh how wrong they were...).<br /><br />And I met Leia. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="">Here was a princess that, even when she was held hostage, didn't take shit from the dude keeping her. She was sassy. She was smart. She kicked ass. She was a great tactician. She was brave. She cared about the people around her. <i>She </i>ended up saving the dude! And, yes, she was absolutely stunning, legit one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen onscreen, and I would still say that about her now.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="">And did I say that she was sassy?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="">I loved her, wanted to <i>be </i>her in a way I never had with any of the then-canonical Disney Princesses™.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="">I don't know if my dad even realized what happened when he got that box set for us (I think for Christmas? That was a rough year for our family, so it's hard to pinpoint; he may have just bought it Because), but I watched those tapes every chance I got when I was home alone so I could spend time with her. And I had to do it alone because those tapes were Dad's, and he usually said no when I asked him if I could watch them when he was around. So yeah, I had to basically sneak my Leia fixes. I would fast-forward to her scenes, watch them in slow-mo, pause the tapes and try to pose like her. I even tried to put my hair in those signature side-buns of hers a few times- failing miserably, of course. </span></span><b style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;"><i>I even renamed my favorite Barbie doll "Leia" in her honor</i>.**</b><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> And I'd do the doll's hair like Leia's (with more success than when I tried on myself, I should add) and pretend she was my Jedi master. And I'd sometimes try to use the Force to knock shit over or make it come to me, knowing in my heart of hearts that Leia was probably a secret Jedi or something. </span><br />
<b style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;"><br /></b>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I was a kid back then, so I didn't think too much about the actress playing her, and it wouldn't be until I was in late high school/college-ish until I gave M'lady Carrie Fisher any room in my headspace. I don't remember exactly what I was watching- perhaps some documentary about the making of<i> </i>the OG trilogy (because the prequels were out by this point, or at least wrapping up), but she opened up about her anorexia while making the movies, and that... hit.<br /><br />I've never been anorexic, but God, I have <i>never</i> been happy with my body. It didn't help that I was constantly made fun of for it, too, up until I started college. So to hear about her "failed bulimia" just struck a nerve. I was a late teen at this point, but still. How could my Leia, <b><i>my Leia</i>, </b>be so insecure? If she was made to feel that way, what the fuck do people WANT, anyway? It pissed me off- for her sake, for the sake of other women and girls. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's silly, but it made me feel "close" to Carrie, because I could relate. I imagined meeting her and saying, "See? At least I'm a fat-ass! They have NO excuse for being such assholes to <b><i>you</i></b>! Who's dicks are we cutting off?" (I get the feeling she would have laughed a bit, then told me to be kinder to myself.)<br /><br />And when I saw the HBO version of her Broadway one-person show, <i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wishful_Drinking#Film_documentary" target="_blank">Wishful Drinking</a>, </i>I felt seen. In the way that only she could do, she had me laugh-crying with her during the whole special. And I felt even closer to her, and while maybe some of it was wishful <i>thinking</i>, I wanted to believe we were kind of similar in a lot of ways, new ones, aside from the body image issues. The penchant for drama to find her (and legit drama, like the waking-up-next-to-a-dead-body kind of drama, not the "I spilled my latte oh NOES!" drama of your everyday Becky or the Mean Cashier drama for the Karens of the world). The mental illness. The heartache. The feeling of being an outsider, even when you're part of the group. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>The gallows humor</i>. I have legit made people UPSET cracking jokes about my situations sometimes. So her making funnies out of her past? Totally my jam, my way of storytelling, to this day.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Carrie was like the cool aunt I never realized I needed. It's ridiculous, but I honestly would sometimes think about how she'd respond to the things I'd say to myself in my head, and I'd stop being so cruel to myself at times. I'd picture her punching my own "Dark Side" in the kisser. I still do it now.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I watched others of her works, and while of course I found her wonderful in all of them, I think it makes sense that Leia is the one I felt the strongest about- I was what they call "impressionable" when I met Leia, after all, and she imprinted on me.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Having endured the prequels in theaters a decade ago, the <i>biggest</i> reason I saw <i>The Force Awakens</i> in theaters was that Carrie was back. I liked it way more than I thought I would, but you bet your boots I fist-pumped and "YESSSS!"-ed when it was announced (onscreen) Leia is now the general of "The Resistance." </span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzCTJ1ZWACxMDjo7HSPwsNnAxzJF0tmIHWVW0M__O8dP7azlXon55shq1CluXVinuL6Q10iC_DkWw_BQSIvXh1Lt0KCZn7ta8M1Iof7slzh9uRMITs55ta8doXwM3DAZNjqZCu8bv4g1U/s1600/Generals.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1134" data-original-width="1080" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzCTJ1ZWACxMDjo7HSPwsNnAxzJF0tmIHWVW0M__O8dP7azlXon55shq1CluXVinuL6Q10iC_DkWw_BQSIvXh1Lt0KCZn7ta8M1Iof7slzh9uRMITs55ta8doXwM3DAZNjqZCu8bv4g1U/s400/Generals.jpg" width="380" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Buttercup was another princess I found EXTREMELY<br />
boring, but I was super stoked when I found out she<br />
was going to be an Amazonian general in <i>Wonder Woman</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When she died, my heart broke a little. And it's ridiculous, since I never met the woman, but I missed her- missed her presence online, in the cultural zeitgeist. So I recently listened to her autobiographical works on audiobook to get a fix, I guess- she read them herself. I was laughing and laugh-crying right along with her the whole time, once again. And sometimes, when she talked about her mental illness, I again felt seen, and wanted to hug her, and knew she would want to do so for me if I needed it. </span><br />
<br style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;" />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's silly, but her strength was something for me to emulate. I don't want to say "admire," since that comes close to supercripping her, but being in a pretty low place and knowing she came out on top, at least in terms of claiming and taking her life back, gave me hope. A new one, if you will. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="" letter-spacing:="">I know I'll cry during her scenses in <i>The Rise of Skywalker. </i>I just know it. And that's okay. I'll get to say goodbye one more time.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="" letter-spacing:=""><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="" letter-spacing:="">So, Carrie, my Princess, my General. I hope your birthday was amazeballs. I'm sure you were partying hard with the likes of Freddie Murcury and your own mama. And I know you know this, but we still love you and miss you, and our lives are better because you were a part of this world.<br /><br />Love,</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="" letter-spacing:="">A Cracked, But Not Broken, Fan</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="" letter-spacing:=""><b>Epilogue:</b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="" letter-spacing:=""><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="" letter-spacing:="">When Disney bought the <i>Star Wars</i> franchise, I was excited because I knew the brand and knew that, eventually, we'd get what we now have: <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars:_Galaxy's_Edge" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank"><i>Star Wars: </i>Galaxie's Edge</a>. An entire park (section) devoted exclusively to the world of <i>Star Wars</i>. And sure, I love the <i>Star Wars </i>franchise, but Leia always has been, and always will be, my favorite part of it. So when and if I go (<a href="https://www.themeparkinsider.com/flume/201908/6933/" target="_blank">provided it doesn't close down</a>), I'll have fun, but I'll be most interested in seeing what they do with Leia- how they portray her, what they do with her character, etc. Like they BETTER not make a ride where the goal is to save her. Amirite?<br /><br />Plus, she's a gorram Disney Princess now. WHERE IS MY LEIA DISNEY PRINCESS™ MERCH, DISNEY, WHERE IS IT, I SAY!??!?!!?!??!?!?!? I want a gorram meet-and-greet with a "Leia" at Disneyland for my fortieth birthday, people. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="" letter-spacing:=""><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="" letter-spacing:="">*Although I will say, I at least mildly enjoyed <i>Cinderella </i>because of the mice, and adored <i>Sleeping Beauty</i> because of the fairies and Maleficent, and even Prince Phillip a little. But I never liked the dwarfs (Grumpy was ok, but not enough to carry the whole movie for me) and thought the Evil Queen was a stupid villain ("She's prettier than me so she needs to die!"), and of course the Prince Charming in that one doesn't do anything, and holy crap Snow White's voice is ANNOYING AF AND I WILL DIE ON THAT HILL. So I didn't like <i>Snow White</i>. At all. Go ahead and @ me. But you have to admit, those older Disney movies don't even really try to develop the "heroins" and spent more time and energy characterizing the people surrounding them, be they allies or antagonists. I'm sure <a href="https://www.youtube.com/user/chezapoctube" target="_blank">Lindsay Ellis</a> talks about this in one of her videos critiquing Disney, but I don't have the time to dig through her entire video history.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span 0.3px="" letter-spacing:="">**Anybody that has ever owned a toy they "named" would get how this was a BFD. </span></span>Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-48293058010615223712019-08-30T18:45:00.000-04:002019-09-17T11:54:12.391-04:00Abuse is No Excuse: An Overexhausted Trope in 'Stranger Things' and Onscreen in General<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know I'm suuuuuper late to the party, but I finished <i>Stranger Things 3</i> a few weeks ago, and, well, I noticed a gap in the "hot takes" and stuff floating around the intertubes, one I would <i>think</i> is pretty obvious, but I guess not?</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Ok, so let me get this out of the way: I agree <a href="https://www.bitchmedia.org/article/stranger-things-season-three-jim-hopper-abusive" target="_blank">with</a> <a href="https://www.vulture.com/2019/07/stranger-things-3-jim-hopper-jerk.html" target="_blank">everyone</a> <a href="https://mashable.com/article/stranger-things-3-jim-hopper-angry/" target="_blank">else</a> on the internet <a href="https://www.themarysue.com/stranger-things-hopper-season-three-evan-rachel-wood/" target="_blank">criticizing</a> the behavior of Jim Hopper pretty much the entire season. He's abusive towards everyone with which we see him interact- male, female, adult, child, whatever. And this is especially egregious on the part of the writers because it's almost always played for laughs. I'm not saying this analysis isn't true, nor that it isn't important- trivializing that kind of behavior contributes to the discourses that perpetuate it, and having lived with someone who treated me that way in particular, it was pretty hard to watch (calmly*) at times.**</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I think a different male character's behavior deserves some critique. And that's Billy.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You see, Billy is a <a href="https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CompleteMonster" target="_blank">complete monster</a> that does absolutely <b>nothing</b> in the show, in either season in which he's present, to earn any sort of empathy or concern. Rather, the writers simply slipped in a <a href="https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FreudianExcuse" target="_blank">Freudian excuse</a> for his being so awful, but because they never included a moment where he <i>earns</i> redemption (up until the very end- I'll get to that), it just comes across as a cheap <a href="https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AppealToPity" target="_blank">appeal to pity</a> and has, at best, no effect. And if you're anything like me, that sad attempt at garnering sympathy only made you hate him more- so, you know, it had the opposite effect from what they were going for. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <b><i>Part 1: Billy Doesn't Earn It</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
Watch this supercut of all of Billy and Max's scenes from season 2; keep in mind, these are all of his establishing moments, if we think about season 2 as the setup for 3.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/PPgwHXcxDj0" width="560"></iframe><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Since this is <i>just </i>the scenes between him and Max, this doesn't show the one where the dad is a dick towards him. But... Does it matter? Things he does here, in no particular order:</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">1) Is just generally a dick to Max at all times.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">2) Is demonstrably racist.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">3) Nearly kills a bunch of kids on their bikes.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">4) Uses physical intimidation and implied threats of violence in attempts to control Max. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">5) Assaults Lucas.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">6) We also see the very last bits of his fight with Steve, one that happened as a result of 5. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">All of this, and especially just how these scenes are <i>filmed</i>, with ominous music and lingering camera angles, sets him up as a secondary villain, of sorts.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And then, by season 2, even though Max does get him to leave her alone in:re Lucas, she seems genuinely afraid of Billy, more so than in the first season, where she stands up to him on more than one occasion. I don't know if this is just shitty writing or direction, or if it's more like a deeper look at her underlying emotions about him- after all, much of season two could be viewed as a "brave face," so to speak.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Aside from that, he also deliberately tries to incite a married woman into having an affair with him. And it's not because he cares about her- he doesn't give a shit about her as a person. It's framed entirely as an example, so to speak, of his reprehensible behavior. We're meant to be kind of disgusted by the whole thing- by the grown-ass ladies who while purportedly watching their kids spend the whole time at the pool trying to flash dem tiddies at a teenager; by his absolutely shameless innuendo; by his super-accomplished, machismo-infused swagger once he thinks he's nailed it (or at least is about to, 'natch).*** Again, you can tell by how it's shot and the sound/music production around it all. When he's driving to meet her, it's filmed more like a villain on their way to kill the hero as opposed to a protagonist about to get a little ass. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">All of this demonstrates, then, that every action, every single thing he does, is morally and/or ethically bad, and that he's, thus, a Bad Person. So much so that when he gets attacked at the end of the first episode of season 3, I <i>actually cheered and fist-pumped.</i> </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This made me so damned happy</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And while sure, not everybody was as glad as I was to see Billy get what was coming to him, I find it hard to believe anybody was as sad for him as they'd have been if it was, say, Nancy. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And here's the thing. They could have included more scenes with the dad being abusive toward him. They wouldn't have mattered. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because up until the moment he gets snatched by the Mind Flayer, he does absolutely <i>nothing</i> to actually <i>earn </i>any positive feelings. And I really do want to emphasize that the cinematography, sound design, and score all feed into the idea that he's a Bad Dude we aren't <u style="font-weight: bold;">supposed</u> to have positive feelings for to begin with, all through season two and during episode one of season three. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Then, in the sixth episode of season 3, El taps into his memories. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><i>Part 2: A Shitty Appeal to Pity</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><i><br />
</i></b></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">El actually sees a few things from Billy's memories: It starts with a memory of him on the beach, surfing, while his mom watches and cheers him on- so happy! Then, she sees his dad</span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">abusing him (notably, calling him a "pussy") (uuuuuugh),</span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> then his dad beating his mom (accusing her of cheating and calling her a "whore") (uuuuuugh), and then young Billy calling another kid a "pussy" as he beats this other kid up. She also sees him pleading over the phone with his mom to come back and the later introductions he had with Max. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So as if him parroting what his dad yelled wasn't enough to say, "SEE?!!? HE'S DOING WHAT HE WAS TAUGHT!!!" we're supposed to feel sorry for him because his mom left, and the fact that he'd had a happy moment with her is supposed to humanize him in a positive way.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
This latter part is especially crucial because it's the basis for his "redemption."</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because when El describes the memory to him, while he's <i>actively trying to kill her </i>(granted, while under Mind Flayer control), that somehow makes him decide to do the right thing for a change, and he protects her at the very last second and dies.<br />
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You know what that reminded me of, though? At least the "lemme bring up your mom to give you a change of heart" part?</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">MARTHAAAAA!</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And so I just... didn't care. It was at the very end, and it was too little, too late for me. Maybe that makes me heartless, but I have personal reasons for feeling that way, which I'll get to. But I didn't care. If anything, I was kind of annoyed. Like, really? Y'all went <i style="font-weight: bold;">there</i>?</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I will say, I liked the choice to focus on Max's reaction to his death more than anyone else's. Her face got the majority of screen time during that scene, at least among the living/not dying, and that worked for me. Sadie Sink did a damn good job with that, and she deserves WAY more props than she gets, people. Seriously. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><i>Part 3: Analytically Speaking, It's Bad</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><i><br />
</i></b></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So okay, from a storytelling, screenwriting perspective, it's bad. I know there are pro-Billy people out there, but my feeling is the <i>writers</i> picked a lazy, overdone method to explain his behavior and try to garner some sympathy. <a href="https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FreudianExcuse" target="_blank">TVTropes</a> by no means has an exhaustive list of all of the times where the Freudian excuse has been used, but if you try to read through all of them... Look at how damned long it's taking you! It's overdone! It's old hat!</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And just like they talk about with their <a href="https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AppealToPity" target="_blank">appeal to pity entry</a>, the <strike>Martha</strike> mom stuff falls flat. Or, at least it did for me. Because it's an exaggerated example of <a href="https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EvenBadMenLoveTheirMamas" target="_blank">even bad men love their Mamas</a>. Look, he was happy with her! And look, he was sad when she left!!<br />
<br />
But they're memories- they aren't reflections of his actions in the present narrative. I guess we're to assume the dad beat all of that joy out of him, but again, Freudian excuse, dude. I don't <i>care</i>. It's so overdone. </span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So many movies, particularly horror movies, have super asshole-ee bullies, always male, that are just absolutely </span><i style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">horrible</i><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">. The main character(s) are scared of them, not just annoyed by them, and these kids to absolutely awful things. Then at some point, there's a scene that follows said bully home/ takes place at their home, and we see the dad slapping them around/ beating them up/ questioning their masculinity. Now, it's a crapshoot, but I feel like usually the bully ends up getting offed by the killer/monster/whatever after this "reveal," and it's supposed to not only explain the bully's cruelty, but also garner sympathy/make us feel sad for him when he dies. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A pretty current example I think a lot of people should be familiar with is Henry Bowers from <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1396484/?ref_=nv_sr_2?ref_=nv_sr_2" target="_blank"><i>It</i> (2017)</a>. And it's also a really good comparison, because I suspect Billy is modeled very deliberately on Henry. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubOrfMJqTIs" target="_blank">This video</a> goes through the entire history of Henry, based on the book (and using clips from both the 1990 miniseries and 2017 movie, as well as direct excerpts from the book); and while the whole video isn't necessary to understand the parallels, the first four minutes or so give you an idea: Henry's dad is abusive, so much so that his biological mother left when he was little but <i>without </i>taking her son, and it's clear that he projects his anger/pain onto the people he bullies, but also that he's pretty unhinged, even before whatever evil influences start affecting him; and I think most importantly, it's blurry as to how much of what he does after the evil entity starts influencing him is a result of that or his own desires, or if the evil entity is simply exacerbating those desires and pushing him to act on them more. Much like how Max has to divert Billy's car from hitting the boys in <i>Stranger Things</i>, Victor in this scene thinks Henry is taking it too far when Henry wants to carve his name into Ben's stomach in this scene:</span><br />
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<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/oKsdHuCC6K4" width="560"></iframe><br /></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Henry dies as a kid in the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtxLYGDV8Tk" target="_blank">2017 film</a>, but as an adult in the book and miniseries, and it's that 2017 interpretation I think is closer to the more common trope. Admittedly, I've never read the book, but from the sound of it (from what I've seen in research, like that video explaining the character's history), Stephen King's original vision for the character, that we see him as broken and washed out, is a richer, fuller examination of <a href="https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheBully" target="_blank">The Bully</a> than we seem to frequently get. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My guess, with respect to <i>Stranger Things</i>, is that the Duffer Brothers wanted to "subvert" the idea of a bully via the memories El taps into, as well as his last-second sacrifice. But they had done such a good job of making us fear and loathe him that by the time that moment came, it didn't matter to me. Like I said in comparing Henry to Billy, it was unclear to me how much of Billy's actions after S2E1 were purely a result of the Mind Flayer's psychic direction. He tells Heather not to be afraid just before the Mind Flayer does its thing, "it'll all be over soon, just stay very still," but why would the Mind Flayer care whether its victims were afraid? And the last shot of episode 3, for example, is Billy smirking as Heather knocks her dad out with chloroform- does the Mind Flayer experience pleasure at its ends being achieved? I just find those sorts of things hard to grasp. Billy says he "tried," but how much of what the Mind Flayer was getting him to do did he not want to? Given his sadistic nature before, it's hard to tell, and that almost makes the choice of having Billy be the Mind Flayer's conduit worse- because the line between Mind Flayer's direction and Billy's inherent desires is too blurry. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm not saying it would have been impossible to do, either- but again, given how awful he'd been before, it's hard to tell what's Billy and what's Mind Flayer. </span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So then his "humanizing" and "redemption" fall flat.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><i>Part 4: My Own Hangups</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><i><br />
</i></b></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Now I do want to admit I've experienced abuse, in multiple contexts before. And I know for a fact that this is influencing my feelings on the matter. After all, I'm not an asshole or a bully- I'm the opposite. And while the prevailing theory in the cultural zeitgeist says that abusers beget abusers, there's actually <a href="https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/issue-briefs/intergenerational/" target="_blank">not much research to back that up</a>. If you look at that report closely, basically they figure that results are often somewhat cherry-picked, samples aren't great, and variables aren't isolated enough to really say abused kids end up abusing their own offspring. Some of the language is kind of jargony, but the overall conclusions are important to note because they underscore the weakness of the trope of the abused bully. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I guess you could say I'm a case study in a kid becoming the opposite of what they grew up around, as well as the opposite of a partner perpetuating what a previous partner did- and this is entirely <i>deliberate</i> on my part. I choose not to drink regularly, I actively seek to be understanding and keep my temper in check, and while I don't have kids of my own now, I certainly wasn't a bully as a kid- quite the opposite, actually, since I was often the kid getting bullied.</span><br />
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So there's a part of me that doesn't have sympathy for a character like Billy because, well, <i style="font-weight: bold;">I </i>didn't bully people, so fuck that guy, so to speak. I acknowledge this fully. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I feel especially disgusted with his treatment of Max. As a kid, I put myself out there in the line of fire and took the brunt of the negativity in my household in order to shield my siblings from it. I've come to terms with all of it and stuff by now, as much as I can, anyway, but similarly to the "</span><i style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif; font-weight: bold;">I </i><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">didn't become a bully!" bit, part of me feels like he should have been protecting her, not scaring her and intimidating and controlling her. Instead of trying to prevent what had been happening to him from happening to her, he does it to her himself, to a degree, and that just... God, it makes me so angry, on a personal level. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's kind of stupid- it's just a TV show, after all. And yet, it drags up memories and feelings and yeah, I judge Billy as a "person" and compare his actions and choices to my own, finding he comes out wanting. I don't think I'm a saint, by any means, but in making the comparison, I end up putting Billy in the bottom dregs of humanity. </span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
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That still doesn't mean the memories El uncovers were really enough for earning Billy the redemption the writers clearly wanted him to get. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><i>Part Five: Is it Necessary?</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><i><br />
</i></b></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">One could also argue that the memories and abuse he experiences simply serve to make Billy more complex. I'll buy this a bit more than the fact that they're supposed to make me actively feel sorry for him (at least in season two- the way the memories are portrayed in season three, they're obviously meant to make us feel sorry for him, so I'm not sure if this was a change in direction or what). But I think TheMarySue <a href="https://www.themarysue.com/catra-she-ra-netflix-redemption/?fbclid=IwAR0bUCSLivHi6FE4IXo-Dd-q6xPyhp-_pRzgMLYF6BML420xoVHYOl9jmY4" target="_blank">did a good write-up</a> about whether redemption for complex characters is really necessary via Catra in <i>She-Ra and the Princesses of Power</i>. And it's kind of great because I was going to basically say some of the same things.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Why does Billy <i>need</i> a redemptive moment? </span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I think it's scarier to consider a dude that's just irredeemably awful, even to his family, for one thing. Like the guy in the video about Henry Bowler says at the beginning, when it's not just the Big Bad that has to be contended with, the tension and fear are heightened. There's no safe space, or at least far fewer, for our hereo(es), and this raises the stakes.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Like Catra, Billy has a right to be angry at the world- his dad is abusive and his mom abandoned him, leaving him with that abuser, at a young age. But it's what he does with it that makes him irredeemable, and that's okay, from a writing perspective. Or at least, it should be.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And don't get me wrong- I do think there's something to be said for demonstrating a Bad character's humanity without turning it into an attempt at earning them redemption for their Bad Behavior. In the real world, actual abusers are still people, after all. I've forgiven anyone that's ever hurt me, and I wish them no ill will; I still grieve the loss of my dad, and I still hope my ex will someday get to see his son again, despite the custody battle he was dealing with when we were together. But I can still acknowledge that my dad never did anything to atone for his treatment of me and my mom, and that my ex remains a narcissist and will probably never be capable of a healthy relationship, as far as I'm aware. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Like I said before, aside from that moment when he sacrifices himself, he does nothing to <i>earn </i>redemption. And the trouble is, I can't really think of anything he <i>could </i>do that would earn it for him, while not seeming like a cheap <a href="https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PetTheDog" target="_blank">Pet the Dog</a> move or, worse, come across as patronizing. Because while I mentioned that he perpetuates the household abuse by being so awful to Max, at the same time, it would have been <i>really</i> hard for the writers to show him protecting her from their dad without it coming across as super sexist.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><i>Part Six: Masculinity and Gender and the Abused Bully</i></b></span><br />
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</i></b></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I mentioned before that the abused bully is pretty much always a male. And again, in some rather on-the-nose, Hammer of Subtlety slamming, Billy's dad calls him a "pussy" as he beats him in one memory, and then in pretty much the next one, Billy calls a kid <i>he's </i>beating up one. Plus, there's the whole sexuality aspect, his enjoying the attention from the moms at the pool and talking Nancy and Mike's mom into meeting him at a motel, as well as how he saw his dad call his mom a "whore" when he was a kid. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And while The Bully is often a storytelling device- in <i>It</i>, the way the adults look away when the Bowler Gang is torturing the Losers signifies the denial said adults are in on the general level, and it helps increase the danger of the atmosphere in which the story takes place, since it means the Losers have no one to turn to for help, for example- I think the fact that they're almost always males at least inadvertently is making a statement about masculinity. I don't know what this trope is <i>supposed</i> to be saying about masculinity, but a pretty generic analysis reads that hypermasculinity is bad, and that oft' used term "toxic masculinity" leads to all sorts of problems- emphasized in the back-to-back uses of "pussy" in Billy's memories, and the "whore" line from the dad.<br />
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But I think a more nuanced look really comes down to the struggle within contemporary men over, well, what to <i>do</i>. And that without a proper, positive model, men who have been abused and told by their father(s) and society that they're bad and "toxic" have little to no recourse. They don't really know how they're "supposed" to behave, only that everything they <i>do</i> do is "bad."<br />
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Natalie Wynn talks about this kind of stuff in her most recent video:</span><br />
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</span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I think this actually garners more sympathy than having El tap into a memory of Billy laughing on the beach. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />The problem with this, naturally, is that it's pretty difficult to incorporate a male character's perceptions of the hegemonic discourses surrounding men and masculinity into a TV show or movie without it getting dry and/or feeling like it's derailing the plot- and in a TV show or movie, the plot needs to keep moving forward. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <b><i>Part Seven: I Dunno</i></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'll admit, I don't really know what to do about it. Like I said, The Bully often serves as a storytelling device- an easy, convenient one. I think my best notion is that we don't always need the bully's backstory. Why does it matter that they're being an asshole to the main character? I usually feel less frustration with bullies in movies and TV when they're just tertiary obstacles the protagonist deals with, when they're outside the main conflict and are presented more as another inconvenience the main character deals with regularly.<br /><br />To bring it back to <i>Stranger Things</i>, the group of kids that go to school with and pick on the main characters bothers me a lot less than Billy does. Because I don't <i>need</i> to know "why" they're bullies- it's middle school, there are <b>going</b> to be assholes like that. I don't need to hear about how one of them lost his dad in a car accident or armed robbery or something, I don't care whether one of them has an older sibling that beats them up or not. They exist as a realistic obstacle middle schoolers would deal with, but that's it. Middle school bullies as a Thing don't need an explanation, and the show doesn't bother giving one- and I'm fine with that.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Another thing I can say is I accept the times when the person that used to pick on the main character(s) ends up being chased alongside the latter by the Big Bad and they end up teaming up/allying themselves to take Big Bad down a lot more easily than the appeal to pity approach. I'll take a pragmatic partnership over a generic sob story any day.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What <i>may</i> be interesting is if the "cycle" gets directly confronted. I can't say I've really seen this before, but if someone finds out and uses <i>that </i>as a way to get through to the bully- if they express their sadness for the bully and desire to help them, and this gets the bully to stop bullying, that could potentially work, if done right. It could very easily just end up super fucking cheesy, but a "don't be like your dad" speech has at least some potential. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But overall, I'm just not sure. I'm not a screenwriter, and like I said before, I'm somewhat personally invested in the trope itself, so I'm probably too "close" to the issue to come up with a decent solution.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Still, I think it's something that has the potential to be really interesting, but usually falls flat. And as much as the rest of the internet seems to think Billy's arc was "great," I didn't, and this comes from both just a general pop culture consumer perspective, as well as that of an abuse survivor. I just hope I'm not alone in it. If I am, that's fine, but if you, reader, thought it was good before, I hope this longass rant of mine helps you understand why I felt the way I did when watching it unfold, and maybe even helps you reconsider your position. Either way, thanks for reading. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">*There was a lot of voc</span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">al "WHAT THE <b>FUCK</b>" and "fucking <b>ASSHOLE</b>"ing whenever he wa</span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">s b</span></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">eing a shit.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">**And while I didn't bother reading all of the above-linked critiques of his behavior, just in case none of them mentioned it, the fact that he's 1) police chief, and 2) beats multiple dudes up- in <i>front </i>of Joyce, nonetheless- only adds to the terribleness. Having witnessed what he's capable of, a woman <i>not </i>in a TV show written by men would have been absolutely terrified about what he'd do if she crossed him/pissed him off/etc. "If I don't do what he says, he could kill me and get away with it because he's the chief of police." Hell, <b>any </b>reasonable person would think that. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">***There <i>is </i>some interesting film symmetry in how during both of his first scenes in the two seasons, females are oggling him. In the first season, as you can see in that supercut, it's highschoolers; in the second, it's the moms.</span></div>
Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-70731324612230104412019-06-29T00:22:00.000-04:002019-06-29T00:22:40.745-04:00Spooning and "Just"ing<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I've been sort of on a mental health kick lately here, but I've got another topic I want to talk about; it's been in the back of my mind for a while, and a conversation with someone I love the other day made me decide to just get it out of my system.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Let's start with that lovely <a href="https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/" target="_blank">Spoon Theory</a>, started by Christine Merisandino. While she came up with it on the fly to describe what it's like living with lupus to a friend, the idea has been carried over into other areas of disability and (in)capacity to "even," as it were. So although depression and anxiety are, at least in theory, mental/emotional disorders (because keep in mind, mental and emotional exhaustion pretty much always ends up leading to physical exhaustion after a point), the metaphysical "spoons" needed to carry out one's day whilst living with conditions like these translate similarly to those of a physical condition, like Merisandino's lupus. But essentially, the idea is, you have a finite amount of resources (the "spoons") to use throughout the day in order to do... everything. Everything from getting up in the morning, to showering, to getting dressed, going to work/school, eating, errands... Everything. And if you run out, you're basically fucked. So you have to kind of prioritize and decide what you absolutely <i>must </i>do sometimes, what you can put off until tomorrow, etc., if you have enough spoons to see a friend, treat yourself to a dinner out, etc. She also points out how sure, you can essentially take out an "advance" on your spoons and pull from the next day's supply, but you also can't be sure something won't crop up that will make that day all the harder.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">While no analogy is perfect ("Why a spoon?" "What if you had a few huge spoons?" etc., for example), especially when acted out physically, as she did with her friend, it actually really can drive the point home. A few years ago, I simulated it with a colleague that genuinely wanted to understand my depression and anxiety (we used hangars 😂), and her reaction was pretty similar to Merisandino's friend.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So what?</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well, I've <a href="http://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/09/how-and-how-not-to-comfort-someone.html" target="_blank">talked before</a> about how <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2014/02/come-back-down-be-mouse-not-fox.html" target="_blank">best to comfort</a> someone going through a hard time. I still use the bad behaviors I talk about there as an indication as to whether or not I should confide in someone. But another thing I use is what I (and the friend I talked to) call the "Why don't you just __?" Litmus Test.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And the reason this is related to the spoons is that if I'm out of spoons, no, I <i>can't</i> "just" do anything. I'm out. My supply is empty.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And, if I'm out of spoons, I can't even begin to <b>think </b>about the "just" or coming up with a plan to "just" in the first place. It takes spoons to even <i>start contemplating</i> how to use spoons, let alone actually using one.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Sometimes, I just need the chance to wash and recuperate my spoons before I can think of what comes next. We all do. So even though it would be great if you "just could" whatever, even though a part of you knows there's something you "could" be doing, the idea of even thinking of it is just so not happening, because the prospect of the spoon cost in even that endeavor is just overwhelming.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And this. This is something that doesn't really get brought up enough, not in this capacity, anyway. Because there's a difference between not being ready to do something, and not being ready to <i>think about </i>doing something. And while I see discussions of the former, I don't see many, if any that I can recall, of the latter. How it takes spoons to think about how to use more spoons.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In other words, spooning is hard.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I think this is especially important to consider vis a vis <a href="https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work" target="_blank">Millenial Burnout</a>. We're so busy spinning our wheels and working our asses off (whether it be juggling multiple jobs to make ends meet, or the constant connectivity to our workplaces, generated by social media, email, and smartphones, that translates to never really, truly being <i>off the clock</i>), that we feel like "simple, mundane" stuff takes up more spoons than we can spare- so we put it off. A huge part of that comes from how Peterson talks about debt not just being about student loans, but the lies we were conditioning our lives around: "It’s also about the psychological toll of realizing that something you’d been told, and came to believe yourself, would be 'worth it' — worth the loans, worth the labor, worth all that self-optimization — isn’t." But because we've been, again, conditioned to go with it, since it's all we know, we keep spinning those wheels. And while both simultaneously becoming more and more disillusioned <i>and </i>continuing to believe, we are damaging our very psyches. As she goes on to say, "We put up with companies treating us poorly because we don’t see another option. We don’t quit. We internalize that we’re not striving hard enough. And we get a second gig."<br />
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And this fucks with the spoon supply.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For me personally, too, Petersen's discussion of how being poor taps into your spoons has stuck with me since the article first came out.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "pensum" , "times new roman" , "times" , serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">"In recent years, <a href="https://science.sciencemag.org/content/341/6149/976" target="_blank">new scientific research</a> has demonstrated the “massive cognitive load” on those who are financially insecure. Living in poverty is akin to losing 13 IQ points. Millions of millennial Americans live in poverty; millions of others straddle the line, getting by but barely so, often working contingent jobs, with nothing left over for the sort of security blanket that could lighten that cognitive load. To be poor is to have very little mental bandwidth to make decisions, “good” or otherwise — as a parent, as a worker, as a partner, as a citizen. The steadier our lives, the more likely we are to make decisions that will make them even steadier."</span></blockquote>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisxUhBsPLkOhh1fvIrxWGNj7wiWvc4JaWF7kDn9BMNGukxXsKfi5xgLHj4OC5eLcLaqXwedSoj8wLnLGFQpFIbarcHKGjFZOH5tDCCc-B5ephOGcNnFulWjsJgcNDULBhZQoqH1JJec_Y/s1600/Poor+People.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="126" data-original-width="220" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisxUhBsPLkOhh1fvIrxWGNj7wiWvc4JaWF7kDn9BMNGukxXsKfi5xgLHj4OC5eLcLaqXwedSoj8wLnLGFQpFIbarcHKGjFZOH5tDCCc-B5ephOGcNnFulWjsJgcNDULBhZQoqH1JJec_Y/s320/Poor+People.gif" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's important to bring up financial insecurity when talking about burnout, then- juggling multiple jobs to make ends meet and living paycheck to paycheck isn't just physically exhausting, but mentally so. For people like me, whose anxiety can <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2019/04/the-eeyore-and-piglet.html" target="_blank">get the best of them sometimes</a>, the fact that I don't make enough to save yet- when I'm in my mid-thirties, nonetheless- is a huge drain on my capacity to even, often because I (we) fear both the costs of handling things I/we know I/we should <b>and</b> the repercussions of not handling them. This isn't new to Millenials, but it's not restricted just to people living on SNAP and in Section 8 housing- it happens to the people that make juuuuust enough to cover their stuff, but not enough to save, too. I have a roof over my head, my bills get paid on time, etc., but there isn't enough money leftover after each pay cycle for me to invest, drop into savings, etc., so shit freaks me out. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Example: The light on the air filter button in my car hasn't been on for a month, indicating to me the filter probably needs to be changed. But I'm too scared to see how much the fix would cost/ actually go get it done because the last three times I took my car in for something routine, I was out an entire paycheck and <i>still</i> needed to borrow money because lo, that <i>other</i> thing I thought maybe was a problem but never looked into ended up being ginormous, or some other thing happened that ruined everything, etc. But, I <i>need</i> the air filter because it helps reduce my exposure to allergens, thus reducing the likelihood I get a sinus infection and/or strep; and I don't think it's a coincidence that I had the former last week (still on antibiotics), and so part of me knows it's only a matter of time until I do get strep again and am down for the count for three-plus days. And while yeah, strep doesn't sound like that big of a deal, keep in mind, I'm paid hourly, for when I'm there. If I'm sick, I don't get paid, which means <i>bills </i>don't get paid. So <i style="font-weight: bold;">that</i> is why I don't want to get sick. Thus, it's this huge internal conflict every time I get in the gorram car. And even though I'm not really <i>doing </i>anything, that takes up spoons- the seeing the light not on sends my brain spiraling, and it's hard to deal with on a less-good day.<br /><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And if I brought this filter thing up with anyone, the vast majority of people would say, "Why don't you just take your car in?"</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So let's get back to that litmus test. "Why don't you just__?"</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It doesn't have to be phrased exactly that way, of course, but the basic idea that you're not doing the obvious and/or easy thing of your own volition and will assumes 1) you're in a condition to do so and won't, and 2) are in a condition to come up with the plan and execute it, but won't. And like I said before, that second assumption is the one that doesn't get talked about as often. But it happens: When you're in the thick of things, sometimes it's literally impossible to picture a way out. Not because of hopelessness or despair, but because you're drowning and your gorram brain literally can't go there.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You're out of spoons. So you shut down.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And this? This is trauma. Shutting down doesn't happen out of stubbornness, or laziness. It's a neurological reaction to stimuli, conditioned by past experiences, and a manifestation of the brain's response to those experiences. I shouldn't have to tell you that trauma effects your brain- just <a href="https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS851US851&ei=mtAWXeDhA-ee0gKJrYeoCQ&q=emotional+trauma+brain+&oq=emotional+trauma+brain+&gs_l=psy-ab.3..35i39j0l2j0i22i30l7.19420.19420..19673...0.0..0.62.62.1......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i71.vzZEA6_8jwg" target="_blank">Google it</a> and read some of the research on it. But suffice to say, shutting down is a survival tactic, initiated by your brain when things get too heavy. I'm not saying being overworked is the same as being in a car accident or getting assaulted. But. I think there's a reason some of the symptoms of the aftermath are similar- similar things happen to the brain in these situations, and the resulting behaviors afterword are related.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When there is enough trauma, the brain starts to go into survival mode by default and, among other things, the fear centers go into overdrive. It's an adaptive behavior, meant to preserve the body, but your brain doesn't understand your emotions and situations the way your actual consciousness does. So when something realistically harmless but existentially frightening comes your way, your brain either panics and you start freaking out, or it just nopes the hell out of there and you shut down.</span><br /><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shutting down is basically<br />the "flight" reaction</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />I think <i>this</i> is especially why people get perceived as "dragging their feet" when it comes to getting mental health help, at least sometimes. Even if they want to improve their mental health, the idea of figuring out how is, in itself, terrifying and overwhelming and would just cost too many spoons to follow through with. So they grit their teeth and force themselves through another day, because at least they know how to budget their spoons on a regular day without taking on such a big task.<br /><br />The somewhat ironic part is that often times, even just having a plan ends up <i>increasing</i> your net worth in spoons. I've been there before- where the idea of figuring out how to solve a problem was too terrifying, but then once I did- and not even necessarily did the thing I realized I needed to do, just, y'know, realized it- I felt so much stronger, more alive, like I had so many more spoons. </span></span><div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">Now, this doesn't mean I "should just" anything. I didn't attack it directly earlier, but too often there's a sort of moral superiority involved in conversations involving the "just" assertion on the part of someone. A judgment and normative evaluation of the person they're talking to. An implication that if they "just" got off their ass and pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, everything would be fine. Even if not intended, and honestly, even if the person making that "just" statement actually means well and wants to help, they come across as at best, sort of know-it-all-ee, and at worse, a raging asshole. But obviously, the person making this judgment is either (best case) unaware of or (worst case) ignoring the fact that making a plan requires at least one spoon, and well, the other person is out.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">And like okay, there's also the "reading the room" factor, too- anybody whose spoon supply is that low already knows it, and being reminded of it by a "just" statement only makes them feel worse- and, hey, probably diminishes their spoon supply right there; go figure!<br /><br />ISN'T MENTAL ILLNESS FUN!?!?!</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">My point with all this is twofold. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">1) I want more people to acknowledge this. That it's not just about having the capacity to start doing something about the hardships in our lives when they crop up or accelerate, it's having the mental and emotional resources (spoons) to come up with <i>how</i> to do something about those hardships sometimes that keeps us from doing so. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">2) Asking someone, "Why don't you just..." or making statements equivocal to that is insensitive, at the very, very best. I want to reiterate something I said in one of those older blog posts I linked above in this one: Sometimes people just need to vent. <i>Ask</i> if someone wants advice before giving it. And be very careful about how you do phrase it. Never in any way make it sound like the thing you're suggesting is easy without first acknowledging how hard it will be to get it started- otherwise, by saying it's easy, you're insinuating the person you're talking to is lazy/not trying/etc.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">And I think if the first point happens more, the second will follow. How hard spooning is in some contexts will be more understood, so fewer "just"ing will happen to people having a hard time. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">It would be nice if this was the problem:</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">Instead, it's this:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyW04T42KfzAE5UrDLeZZiDNM37LKNsFsYJA7biMahefzhYU4nkCH9xsVmRYkzZVqXWk125MIDKDT780ccctXIpUHv2yMZa9CI4QOHEZ0GSRGpvNXDsFzab8lrEjioxkFqlPGvmtrAev4/s1600/No+Spoon.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyW04T42KfzAE5UrDLeZZiDNM37LKNsFsYJA7biMahefzhYU4nkCH9xsVmRYkzZVqXWk125MIDKDT780ccctXIpUHv2yMZa9CI4QOHEZ0GSRGpvNXDsFzab8lrEjioxkFqlPGvmtrAev4/s1600/No+Spoon.gif" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">And once we understand this, like Neo, we'll all be better off. </span><div>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
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Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-30468535823388909852019-05-08T00:50:00.000-04:002019-05-08T01:06:58.730-04:00Hot Take: We Don't NEED to Talk About It, You Just Want To<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This is going to be tricky to do, so forgive me if I kind of veer off course a bit, but I'll try to stay on-target.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm not sure exactly when it started, but as of late, it seems like every other headline starts with the phrase "We Need to Talk About..." And while some of the issues that "need" talking about are somewhat valid, I find that the vast majority of articles that express this level of urgency in their headline end up being about something superficial at best. All this, while it sometimes feels like the world is burning down around us, and I just find it annoying and disingenuine, not to mention irresponsible on the part of journalists. Let me explain.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I think my overall frustration with this has more to do with the extra trivial stuff that isn't going to change any systems of oppression in this world. Here are some examples of this frivolity (some are spoilers for <i>Game of Thrones </i>or <i>Avengers: Endgame</i>, so be warned):</span><br />
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<a href="https://www.instyle.com/news/martha-stewart-instagram-weird" target="_blank"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We Need to Talk About Martha Stewart's Instagram</span></a><br />
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<a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/night-king-game-of-thrones_l_5cc741cee4b07c9a4ce78c8c" target="_blank"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We Need to Talk About the Night King's Perfectly Shaped Nails</span></a><br />
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<a href="https://metro.co.uk/2019/05/07/need-talk-rami-malek-real-life-angel-lucy-boynton-met-gala-2019-9423184/" target="_blank"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We Need to Talk About Rami Malek and Real Life Angel Lucy Boynton at Met Gala 2019</span></a><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.someecards.com/entertainment/entertainment/jaime-lannister-brienne-cersei-valonqar-theory/" target="_blank">We need to talk about Jaime Lannister's 'f*ckboy' move at the end of this week's 'Game of Thrones.'</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.buzzfeed.com/ehisosifo1/nick-jonas-priyanka-chopra-2019-met-gala" target="_blank">We Need To Talk About Nick Jonas And Priyanka Chopra At The 2019 Met Gala</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.buzzfeed.com/benhenry/met-gala-2019-theme" target="_blank">We Need To Talk About The Celebrities Who Didn't Stick To The Met Gala Theme</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.buzzfeed.com/farrahpenn/we-need-to-talk-about-gwendoline-christies-fashio?utm_source=dynamic&utm_campaign=bffbbuzzfeed&ref=bffbbuzzfeed&fbclid=IwAR0IZV3sX1t7g1nMgw57MQsCh6_YxECLHZfYMvsCpD0RLY5sv70X6Xy-kKo" target="_blank">We Need To Talk About Gwendoline Christie's Fashion Game Because DAMN</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You get my drift. No, we don't <i>need</i> to talk about Lady GaGa's (or anybody else's, for that matter) Met gala outfits. The short version is, </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Especially when in the greater context of things we really do need to talk about- and I'll get to that later.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">One from that above list, the one about Jamie, could actually have been much better-written/have had more meaningful content, and it's a good transition move for me, here. If you aren't caught up on <i>Game of Thrones</i>, skip ahead to the gif of the puppy, since up until then, </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I had a lot of issues with the latest episode (S8E4), and one of them was that moment when Jamie rode off into the night, leaving Brienne a crying, sobbing mess. I can understand why it was actually REALLY great, development-wise for him, because, as Awesome Boyfriend pointed out to me, it was the first time he actually, undeniably owned up to his sins and his faults. Any other time, he had been dodgy, at best, so good on him!!! Except... it came at Brienne's expense. And thus, it kind of cheapened their entire relationship, made him knighting her two episodes ago and even so far back as when he got his hand cut off for her (which, come to think of it...), makes her nothing but a plot device for his character growth. She showed him how to open up and look, now he can face his sister (my theory is he's going to be the one to kill her, but y'know, whatevs). I mean, it reduced her to his manic-pixie-Big-Girl-with-a-Sword (or manic-pixie-dream-knight? I dunno, but, doubtless, you understand my point). So in the greater context of the show and how shittily it handles its ladies, it just was beyond frustrating and eye-roll-ee (and especially when considering how bad that specific episode was for those ladies, too, ugh).</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So yeah, this <i>is </i>something <i>worth</i> talking about. But the above article, for one, doesn't really address these problems and turns it into more of a joke, and anyway, saying we "need" to is still a stretch for me.<br /><br />Another bit from that episode, and this time, the article at least approaches it from a more analytical lense, as opposed to just comical. </span><br />
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<a href="https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/ellievhall/sansa-stark-comment-trauma-game-of-thrones" target="_blank"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We Need To Talk About What Sansa Stark Said About Her Trauma On "Game Of Thrones"</span></a><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As a survivor, especially, this was a really... emotional... bit to watch. I think, like one of the Twitter posts showed in that article, what happened was this:<br /><br />The writers <i>meant </i>to convey something like, "Yeah, my trauma was pretty shitty, and I certainly wish it had never happened, and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies. But I've grown past it, used it, and by getting through it, I realized how strong I've been all along. It will always hurt, but at least I can say I lived through it and came out swinging." </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But it came across as, "If I hadn't been raped, I would have stayed an immature prat, so thank <i>goodness</i> for Ramsey!"</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Basically, the implication because of the word choice was that, had it not been for her trauma, she never would have matured at all. Which is garbage. But as a survivor, I know for a fact that saying trauma like that contributed to who we are today is a common thing for us- I would never say I was grateful for it, or that I wouldn't have matured or evolved as a person without it. It's a PART of me, but it doesn't DEFINE me. And even if I hadn't experienced that trauma, I still would have evoloved as a human fucking being.<br /><br />So yeah, I get what they were trying to do, but just, dude, so, so much no. Sorry, D&D, but it has never been more obvious that women don't write your scripts than this episode. And yeah, it thus means that again, they're using that super-tired trope of sexual assault as character development for women. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />Le sigh.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Swing and a miss, bros. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">IT IS NOW SAFE TO CONTINUE</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Those <i>GoT </i>things are some of them- here are examples of other articles that are at least about issues worth discussing (more spoilers in these articles, no doubt):</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.themarysue.com/talk-about-dothraki-game-of-thrones/" target="_blank">We Need to Talk About How Game of Thrones Treats the Dothraki</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://in.mashable.com/social-good/355/we-need-to-talk-about-the-sexist-garbage-in-octopath-traveler" target="_blank">We Need to Talk About the Sexist Garbage in 'Octopath Traveler'</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.indy100.com/article/game-of-thrones-race-problem-westeros-john-boyega-nathalie-emmanuel-jacob-anderson-8032041" target="_blank">We Need to Talk About the Game of Thrones Race Problem</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.criticalhit.net/entertainment/spoiler-warning-we-need-to-talk-about-the-avengers-endgame-finale/" target="_blank">[SPOILER WARNING] We need to talk about the Avengers: Endgame finale</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.thewrap.com/avengers-endgame-what-is-going-on-with-black-widow-movie-natasha-romanov-situation/" target="_blank">‘Avengers: Endgame’ – We Need to Talk About This Black Widow Situation</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What I'm saying is, these are perfectly reasonable things to want to discuss. I think we <i>should</i>, given the range and reach of those two main franchises in those articles. And I have to wonder how I would feel about the "We Need to" part of the headline (at least for Sansa) if I hadn't been inundated with declarations of needing to talk about fucking dresses and hairstyles and music videos, etc. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Call me a cranky old crone, fine, but don't you <i>dare </i>accuse me of not caring about "isms" in pop culture. This is my blog, so I'll bitch if I want to, and said blog is ripe with critiques of pop culture through various lenses, usually those of feminism, race, and/or disability. Like, so much of it that I'm not going to even bother linking to any of my past articles. Seriously. just scroll back for a while, or read a few of the posts featured as "most popular" on the side (it's kind of obvious from their titles which ones count). So yeah, I'll be the first to call out something as problematic, as sexist, as racist, as ableist, as classist- as <i>whatever</i>ist.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But I never claim that my critiques <i>need</i> to be viewed by anybody. I would never presume to title one of those posts in a way that makes the situation sound life-or-death the way this "We Need to Talk About..." stuff goes.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />I guess what I'm saying is that since "We Need to Talk About..." gets used in such UNimportant matters, instances where I actually do care about pop culture seem less deserving of the phrase itself. And discussing pop culture or allegories isn't quite as impactful as real events. It can be a <i>platform</i> for <i>starting </i>a discussion about the real world, but that's not quite the same thing.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Even titles like <a href="https://www.themarysue.com/endgame-girl-power-did-it-work/" target="_blank">Let’s Talk About Avengers: Endgame’s Big Moment of Pandering/Female Empowerment, Depending on Your View</a> or <a href="https://bookriot.com/2018/05/11/avengers-infinity-wars-race-problem/" target="_blank">LET’S TALK ABOUT AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR’S RACE PROBLEM</a> are too close to the "We Need to Talk About..." type nowadays for me to not get a little grumpy. Probably because yeah, I'm just so inundated with useless crap about clothes and gossip that I've been tainted. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It gets less frustrating for articles like these:</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/its-time-to-talk-about-being-white-in-america/2019/04/29/20aed83a-6a9b-11e9-be3a-33217240a539_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.d609ce8dfdc6" target="_blank">It’s time to talk about being white in America</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.michigandaily.com/section/columns/amanda-zhang-we-need-talk-about-sexism-tennis" target="_blank">Amanda Zhang: We need to talk about sexism in tennis</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.news24.com/Columnists/GeorgeClaassen/on-steve-julius-and-the-christchurch-murders-why-we-need-to-talk-about-hate-speech-20190506" target="_blank">On Steve, Julius and the Christchurch murders: Why we need to talk about hate speech</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/apr/22/we-need-to-talk-about-death-i-was-not-prepared-for-how-lonely-grief-would-be" target="_blank">We need to talk about death: I was not prepared for how lonely grief would be</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/huppke/ct-met-suicide-prevention-awareness-huppke-20190506-story.html" target="_blank">We have to talk more about suicide. Even if it means I have to run a 5K.</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because the racism being discussed in these articles is in the <i>real</i> world, is <i>actually </i>happening, and leads to hate speech, as referenced, and yes, hate crimes. The sexism in the tennis community is tangible, is negatively affecting women in tennis every day. Grief is a real thing most of us have to encounter at some point in our lives, and no, we really <i>don't </i>talk about it enough. Suicide is real.<a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2016/12/finding-your-line-or-why-i-hate.html" target="_blank"> It happens</a>. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />But some things about which I would definitively say, "Yes, we need to talk about this," are:</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flint_water_crisis" target="_blank">Flint, Michigan</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missing_and_murdered_Indigenous_women" target="_blank">The vast numbers of indigenous women and girls that have gone missing in North America</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2018-11-20/the-homeless-crisis-is-getting-worse-in-america-s-richest-cities" target="_blank">The Homelessness Crisis</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://www.nccp.org/topics/childpoverty.html" target="_blank">How over 20% of the children in the US live below the poverty line</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.ucsusa.org/our-work/global-warming/science-and-impacts/global-warming-impacts" target="_blank">Climate change, bruh</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So, overall: I'm sick of seeing, "We Need to Talk About..." in article titles. This doesn't mean I think <i>none </i>of the stuff these articles are about is of value- social critique, be it of society itself or the consumable pieces of it that get spewed out, is really the only way society as a whole will progress. Citing and critiquing hegemonic discourses in pop culture <i>can </i>make people more atuned to their existence IRL- this is something I fundamentally believe and is fucking <i>why </i>I rant so much about how stuff is "problematic" and <i>why</i> I can't have nice things.<br /><br />But unless I see that it's about clean water or saving the planet, I'm most likely not going to read an article with, "We Need to Talk About..." in its headline nowadays. And I really wish that phrasing would stop being so overused. I said above that it comes across as irresponsible on the part of journalists. I said this because it creates a numbing, false sense of urgency about some inconsequential piece of, essentially, gossip, while people are starving, the planet is dying, and Flint still doesn't have clean water. And so fucking what if they're entertainment blogs? It doesn't matter. They're still acting like the most important article you'll read that day is the one about Bae's lipstick. And that just makes me do this</span><br />
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<span id="goog_795559722"></span>Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-40818684174022204562019-04-04T02:26:00.000-04:002019-04-04T02:26:24.888-04:00The Eeyore and the Piglet<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-large;">Content Warning: I open up about my own mental illnesses, including suicidal ideation </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>Introduction</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My main vessel for libations (of the non-adult variety) at home has been a really great Eeyore mug I got in I want to say high school or college from the Disney Store. It's yellow-orange, and features a cute picture of Eeyore smiling, surrounded by white flowers. I had two of them, and as far as I'm aware, my mom still has the purple one, in the same shape, with the same gloss, but a different picture of Eeyore, at her house, and I use it when I visit. I'm using said yellow-orange mug as I write this, having just snacked on a bunch of Cheez-Its (extra toasty, <i>of course</i>) and in need of some hydration.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Eeyore and Piglet were always tied for first place in my heart in the Winnie the Pooh Pantheon when I was a kid. And while I know it's been proven that A.A. Milne <a href="https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/winnie-the-pooh-mental-disorders/" target="_blank">didn't intentionally</a> write these characters (and all the others) as having mental illnesses, as I got older, I realized I liked, no, <i>cared for</i> these two specific ones so much because I would see them struggle- watch Eeyore try <i>so hard</i> to be happy, watch Piglet worry and obsess over the multitude of possibilities due to a single decision or occurrence; I would see this, and think, to put it in modern terms,</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"It me."</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Seeing what looked like depression in Eeyore and anxiety in Piglet was sometimes hard, sometimes cathartic, but always <b>real </b>for me. I didn't know what these things were until I was older, and it wasn't until three years ago I was <i>officially</i> diagnosed with either, but I think I've felt this way my whole life, or at least once I was past the bobbing toddler phase.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(And before I stray too far from Winnie the Pooh, I want to reiterate that yes, I get that Milne didn't mean to depict a bunch of DSM-certified stuff in his characters. BUT. I also want to emphasize that if you ever want to find out how to be close to someone with any of the various disorders that <i>can </i>be seen in the characters, just read the books or watch any of the series or movies, because everyone is always supportive, accepting, understanding, and unquestioning of the others' worth in the world of Winnie the Pooh, in any incarnation. When I have kids someday, they're going to be one of the staples in our household in order to teach kindness and love.)</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Part One: The Eeyore In Me, Otherwise Known As Depression</span></b><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A friend of mine posted <a href="https://www.facebook.com/gabrielle.arrowood/posts/964304599172?notif_id=1554342255448279&notif_t=feedback_reaction_generic" target="_blank">a link about chronic suicidal ideation</a> yesterday, and it spoke to me, too. I don't think my feelings are quite as "strong" (in the sense as persistent) as that of the author, but I do remember when they were, not too long ago. For a long time, I would waffle around from actively wishing it would end to thinking it would be easier to quit to wondering what the point was to thinking everyone around me would be better off if I was out of the way. Thinking of this last one in the opposite direction, much like the author in that piece above, was what always brought me back from the darkest times, the times I came closest to acting on anything.<br /><br />I haven't felt that way consistently in a few years. But I see myself falling closer to where I was when it started, sometimes feeling the lesser extent of all of it for a little, and it frightens me somewhat. I have a plan, but can't act on it because of work stuff (therapy requires, y'know, time in an office, and I have no way to consistently have that, but I have a PCP that can prescribe meds, at the very least). But before I continue here, if you're someone that knows me personally, know I'm okay and not in any danger, just like that author. I have a good support network, both near and far, and it isn't my person I'm frightened for, but rather my heart and habits, my general emotional well-being and overall state of mind. I'm frightened because I thought I had moved past those feelings, and I see myself getting closer to them on a consistent basis again.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Right now, I have a lot to be grateful for, reasons to be "happy." I have a roof over my head, an amazing boyfriend that loves me better than I ever thought I deserved, two awesome cats, tons of board games, internet, food, transportation, the aforementioned support network, a stable job (and another one that while it's retail and the schedule changes, I feel as loved and supported by everyone there as if I was family, and I'm not exaggerating- I genuinely tell my boss, "I love you," as we hug goodbye every time (if she doesn't say it first)), and I'm in a program that will get me into the disability field in one of the most on-the-ground ways, as a special ed teacher.<br /><br />That doesn't mean it's easy. Honestly, I don't think my life is more stressful than average. But I struggle. I can't play a friggin' card game without bursting into tears on a bad day (true story; in response, that great boyfriend checked in with me and when I said, "I'm just having a hard time <i>just being happy</i>," he didn't miss a beat. He's good like that, and I'm lucky like that). I have to actively <i>fight</i> against crying every waking moment some days, because it hurts so much.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Some days, I can hold it in, keep it together, and if I'm lucky, I'll feel a little better the next day- enough that it isn't so hard, at least. But others, it goes more like this:</span><div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv4V2-lEaSw-2jZ-Xbu4pl4h55lrmPLhyphenhyphenyyk-_dFJHx4LGSv_wzDVgkg2W6P9FOdOJzZuyGHKW8yWu2KBFlhDKG35kY7wFrursmdSQ-S3p96Np9LpVCGmlxB9ddzW_DWPwools5m6YtTo/s1600/composure.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv4V2-lEaSw-2jZ-Xbu4pl4h55lrmPLhyphenhyphenyyk-_dFJHx4LGSv_wzDVgkg2W6P9FOdOJzZuyGHKW8yWu2KBFlhDKG35kY7wFrursmdSQ-S3p96Np9LpVCGmlxB9ddzW_DWPwools5m6YtTo/s320/composure.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Thank you, <a href="https://www.nathanwpyle.art/strangeplanet" target="_blank">Nathan Pile</a>, for making such<br />delightful comics. </span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Seriously, raise your hand if ever you've been on the struggle bus all day and keeping your cool, when something as innocuous as your gorram pen falls out of your hand and rolls under the fridge and you start ugly-crying so hard someone would think your cat died. I have days like that. Lots.<br /></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But that's not the whole of it. See, what I think gets missed a lot in talks about depression is also just that straight inability to enjoy things, especially things that normally <i>would </i>bring joy. It isn't always feelings of sadness or pain, but more like a lack of feeling that goes beyond neutrality. An active hole inside, a vortex you can on some level perceive sucking your emotions out. It can lead to a sort of indifference, a "whatever" feeling, inability to give a damn about anything. A weird, not-quite-passive indifference to everything. (And I think what happens to some of us is this indifference to the things around us can lead to indifference to life itself, and the aforementioned suicidal thoughts.)</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There are days where I feel like a ghost, like I'm made of air and mist and could walk through the wall or float through the floor downstairs to the parking lot of my second-story apartment. And not in some fancy, magical, "I'm lighter than aaaaaair!" way. No, as in I feel insubstantial, and that's about as much as I can "feel" at all. I go through whatever motions need going through, if there are any, but those are the days I'm most likely to binge a whole season of something on Netflix if I don't have to work; if there's anything else I <i>should </i>be doing (laundry, grocery shopping, calling my mom or a friend I've been playing phone tag with), it ain't happenin'. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And let me reiterate: It isn't like it actively <b>hurts </b>on days like this. I'm not on the verge of tears at all- the opposite, really. In fact, even though I'm pretty prone to crying on the regular, days like this, stuff that would normally get the waterworks going (like a poignant moment in the show I'm binging) don't do more than maybe make my eyes get a little hot. And dude, I'm The Gal That Cries. I am. But on days like these (I've come to call them, aptly, my "ghost days," in my headcanon about my life), I pretty much can't. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />This is my reality.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Part Two: The Piglet In Me, Otherwise Known as Anxiety</span></b><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Misconception: "Having anxiety means you worry about literally everything." While it's true, some people can have anxiety that is severe enough that yes, it fits this description and thus becomes debilitating, not every case looks like that. Let me explain, with an example.<br /><br />I always have to have at least six tubes of <a href="https://www.burtsbees.com/product/beeswax-lip-balm/VM-11099-00-1.html?gclid=Cj0KCQjws5HlBRDIARIsAOomqA2ADCQIE6xLSRrszn3ClSMVOC2hYFiODUWJtQQhq5AB44ZmULLJ_joaAo2fEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds" target="_blank">Burt's Bees beeswax lip balm</a> in my possession, while not necessarily on my person, at a given time. I keep one in my car, one in my purse, one beside the bed, one in the living room by my usual seat on the couch/somewhere easily accessed in the living room, one for sticking in my pocket for during work, and a "spare" I keep on my dresser for "emergencies" (I honestly call it my "emergency" tube). That way, no matter where I am, I will always, always be able to whip out a tube of B'sBs and soothe my aching lips. Just the thought of needing one and not having access to one makes my heartbeat go up, it genuinely makes me nervous. While I recently switched to B'sBs about two years ago, before that it was mint <a href="https://www.amazon.com/ChapStick-Skin-Protectant-Classic-Spearmint/dp/B00H8BJ0OG/ref=asc_df_B00H8BJ0OG/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312135630239&hvpos=1o3&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4964848870336674772&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9051868&hvtargid=pla-584753595063&psc=1" target="_blank">Chapstick</a>; and before that it was <a href="https://www.bigelowchemists.com/c-o-bigelow-rose-salve-no-012.html" target="_blank">C.O. Bigelow's Rose Salve</a>; and before that it was <a href="https://www.mycarmex.com/classic-lip-balm/original-jar/" target="_blank">Carmex</a>; and before that it was REGULAR <a href="https://www.chapstick.com/products/classics" target="_blank">Chapstick</a>... It's something I did my best to hide from my parents, and granted, when I was a kid and didn't own my living space, I had fewer visible at a given time, but there was always something in my backpack, on my headboard, in the duffel bag I kept my Barbies in, in my desk at school (when I had a desk), and a floater I would put in my lunchbox (when I had one). I'd steal them from my dad, save change from when I was given money to do something with friends, even use birthday or Christmas money from relatives to buy them for myself without my parents knowing. I <i>knew </i>it was weird all along, but I was in Las Vegas, where it was reeeeeeeeeally dry, and so I needed <i>some</i>thing, right? </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And while this may sound a little obsessive-compulsive, it's the closest I've <b>ever </b>been, so it's not that. I keep so many tubes/pots/whatever around because I'm afraid of my lips hurting too much. I don't have a bunch of tubes because I need a specific one for a specific place or something, it's purely for the "preparedness" angle. I want to be prepared so I can avoid my lips getting too dry. I have a high tolerance for pain, usually, but my lips are the one part of my body I don't tolerate it and actively try to prevent it by having such a huge arsenal. I pretty much always have a headache, and I don't take anything for it until I reach a certain threshold; but the moment my lips start to tingle, I'm all about that lip balm.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is the most extreme-on-paper example I have. Writing about it, I feel kind of nuts. But I've figured out how to not worry about my lips: just have a shit-ton of lip balm lying around and fuggedduboudit. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have my own social anxiet<b>ies</b>, but I wouldn't say I have "social anxiety" in the way you're thinking. I'm fine meeting new people, provided I have some context or reason to; I freak out over things, with people I already know, like, "What if I picked the wrong restaurant?" "What if he doesn't really think I'm beautiful?" "What if she's only laughing because she feels sorry for me?" "Does he/she hate me?" I worry about upsetting people, being misunderstood, seeming clingy, seeming aloof, sounding dumb, sounding elitist...</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A lot of it comes down to "I just want errbody to like me." With the people I'm closest to, like aforementioned Awesome Boyfriend, I'm terrified of doing something to change how they feel about me. On our first date, over two years ago now, I was more at ease talking to him than I am some nights in our apartment. It's almost like a reverse-typical-social-anxiety thing: The more I know you/you know me, the more worried I am about what you think of me, how I come across, etc. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And of course, I worry about <b>things</b>, too. From how shitty other drivers are (<a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2015/11/the-seattle-school-of-driving-or-how-to.html" target="_blank">somewhat reasonable</a>) to how evenly I chop an onion (pretty unreasonable), I can get caught up in fretting and stressing over things that are part of a regular person's life. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Like right now, Awesome Boyfriend has confirmation a package was delivered to the leasing office like ten minutes after I left it, and we have a package slip from our mailbox from earlier that day saying said leasing office should have it (it didn't when I went). He's not worried about it, but who has two thumbs and is terrified the board games he ordered are lost/stolen/etc?</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And there's a part of me that <i style="font-weight: bold;">knows </i>it's <strike>probably</strike> fine, that it's safe in the leasing office and it'll be there in the morning when Awesome Boyfriend goes to retrieve it. But I. Can't. Help. It.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But I'm sitting here now, writing this thing. I made dinner (frozen burritos, but still, I fuckin' ate, aight?), I'll go to bed soon, and I probably won't have any more problems sleeping than usual. So it's not debilitating, and so no, I wouldn't say I have severe anxiety, but I have enough of it that ridiculous stuff like if the super old Forever stamps I have are still good, nevermind the whole "Forever" part, makes my stomach plummet to my ankles.<br /><br />This is also my life.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Part Three: So What?</span></b><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This doesn't mean I'm "miserable" in the sense that I don't ever experience happiness or joy. I've ruminated on what "happiness" means to me <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2014/03/happiness.html" target="_blank">before</a>. I still believe it, that happiness isn't a constant, and sometimes we have to make our own joy, seek out and find ways to experience happiness, since it won't last on its own. So I try. So fucking hard sometimes. And there are days where I've tried hard enough that it worked, I sort of made myself believe it, if you will.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm not saying I think depression can be "overcome" with the "right state of mind" or some ableist bullshit like that. Fuck your walks through the woods and your yoga.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What I mean is that, sometimes, I can find some light in the dark, and that's worth living for, too. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As uncomfortable as my life may be sometimes, it's still my life, and I'm going to keep on living it, to the best of my ability.<br /><br />"The things that make me different are the things that make me me." Quoth Piglet.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Fin.</b></span><br />
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Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-38288258896390342432019-01-21T02:42:00.000-05:002019-01-21T03:05:24.093-05:00"Not Like That"- A Compendium of Thoughts on That Thing That Happened<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm going to keep updating this as new info comes out, so if you're someone that gives a damn, maybe check back in a couple days. But I'm going to just sort of spat thoughts on the thing with the Catholic kids and the Native American elder. So there's no thesis or main point, here, just venting. I've been festering over this, and reached the point where the zit needs to be popped.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://newsmaven.io/indiancountrytoday/news/the-whole-story-before-and-after-video-of-nathan-phillips-magayouth-and-more-_O6lTVo8M0muOgi6Foug-w/?fbclid=IwAR0bA3GVigGW61cYTeeNckDRlbsNPn2m5c5sqHoyy1y0bpJNMSq2BKa5kJ0" target="_blank">This article</a> by <i>Indian Country Today </i>is a good compilation of videos encompassing the whole thing. The super long one, the one by those guys who identify themselves as Hebrew Israelites, hasn't really been given enough attention, and I want to start there- makes sense, chronologically, but also because what <i>these </i>guys were doing was pretty awful, too, and the reason all this shit went down to begin with.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So these assholes showed up to the Indigenous People's March, to protest it, apparently. And they were shouting all sorts of racist, disparaging things at the people marching. If you listen to the beginning of their (again, long) video, you hear them yelling at the Native Americans about how <i>they </i>knew Native history better than the Native Americans do- there's some garbage about how "before Natives worshipped totem poles," they had worshipped "the true God," or something like that. And that because of this "idol worship," their "land was taken from them."<br /><br />I have to say, it's pretty vile to protest against indigenous people marching peacefully. Like, what are you really protesting to begin with? I guess, based on the shit they were saying, it was to "save" them? But, as people try to talk to them, they're entirely uninterested in dialogue and just talk over them, being super rude every time. If they were there from a place of genuine love and compassion, they would want to talk. No, they were there to pontificate, not to <i>really </i>help anyone or save any souls.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Something that confuses me: at 38:18ish, the guy with the phone starts mocking one of the students for wearing a MAGA hat to a Native American protest- and like, what? You've been standing here, telling Native Americans it's their own fault they're the victims of genocide, and now you're going to "call out" a white kid for being disrespectful? I mean, the thing is, within the first <strike>two minutes</strike> minute, they completely dismiss/talk over one of the Native Americans that is... wait for it... trying to point out that they're being disrespectful. I mean, seriously, I don't think the dude is able to finish a full <i>phrase </i>because the guy in the Hebrew Israelite group wouldn't shut the fuck up. So like, who the actual fuck are you to care about respect for the Indigenous march? "I'm just here to tell you what you have to do," he says to the Indigenous man. I guess the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Indian_boarding_schools" target="_blank">boarding schools</a> didn't try hard enough.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Point there is, these guys are hypocrites. And they incited the whole thing, and their part in it hasn't been explored enough, as far as I can se.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">(At about five minutes, a Black woman who has been visible for pretty much the whole video starts trying to talk to them and they say shit like, "Where's your husband?" as if to say he shouldn't have to listen to her because she's a woman- so like, dude, obviously these guys prescribe to some pretty regressive shit.)</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because after they mock that first kid, they go all-in at mocking the whole crowd of teenage boys. Sure, it's true the Catholic church has done some deplorable shit, but they're fucking <i>teenage boys </i>for crying out loud- if these Hebrew Israelites are half as smart as they think they are, they should have known that asking if they have "one nigga" in the group and calling them stuff like "dusty crackers" was going to create a huge kerfuffle- honestly, if Phillips hadn't stepped in, there would have probably been a riot (and I strongly suspect they were hoping the rich white kids would get physical with them, based on how they kept going). </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="font-weight: bold;">Which is exactly why he did what he did. </i>He says he saw something about to happen and wanted to pray, to calm things down. No, he didn't realize how bad it was until he was in the thick of it, but dude, that's the point. It was <i>that </i>bad.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So then you have those shorter videos in the <i>ICT </i>article, and you see the progression of the behavior of the boys. For starters, it's clear there's space between Phillips and the boys, a space that gradually gets tighter and tighter, with fewer and fewer of the boys on the stairs- indicating the whole crowd was swarming Phillips and his fellow indigenous singers. Some of the boys do mock-Indigenous dances (apparently, some were attempts at the haka, according to <i><a href="https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2019/01/school-apologises-students-mock-elderly-native-american-190120091709053.html" target="_blank">Al Jazeera</a></i>), the whole crowd engages in a mock-chant (more on that later), and there's this Nick Sandmann asswipe.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I first found out his name reading <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/20/us/nathan-phillips-covington.html" target="_blank">this <i>NYT </i>article</a>, and it led me to his statement. And that. Oh, that. This kid is full of shit. In the first of the shorter videos from <i>ICT</i>, he isn't even visible- which means he deliberately positioned himself in front of Philips. In other words, in order to appear so close, had to <i>push past</i> his classmates. So duh,<i> he </i>was the one "invading personal space." And there's no reason to get that close to someone except in an attempt at intimidation. As for that ridiculous smirk he had pretty much the whole time, it was obviously one of mockery, the same smirk guys in fake warpaint and war bonnets wear when confronted by indigenous people outside the stadiums where the Braves and Redsk*ns play. His statement is nothing but lies, passive-aggression, narcissism, and backpedaling. I suppose Trump would be proud.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I don't believe the diocese when they say they'll do anything. I just don't. The Catholic church was an active participant in the cultural genocide practiced against indigenous people on this continent up until the 1980s. I've <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2013/11/quantifying-identity-it-only-takes-one.html" target="_blank">mentioned before</a> that my great uncle was beaten so badly by a priest for speaking Lakota at boarding school that he went to the hospital- what I didn't mention then, was it was a Catholic priest. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stewart_Indian_School" target="_blank">Stewart Indian School</a>, the last boarding school in the U.S. to stop operating as such (in 1980), was a Catholic school. If they continually sweep molestation under the rug, why would they care if some rowdy teenagers were rude to a Native American elder? I'll believe it when I see it, but for now, I don't.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Also, about that mock-chant in the videos <i>ICT </i>included in that article. It's the same one you hear at, like, Braves and Redsk*n games, or in the scene where they do "the chop" in <i><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107977/?ref_=nv_sr_1" target="_blank">Robin Hood: Men in Tights</a></i>. Some even do the hand motion. (I feel like it's in <i><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097815/?ref_=nv_sr_1" target="_blank">Major League</a></i> or one of the sequels, too, but this was easier to find, so here's the one from <i>Men in Tights</i>.)</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/2WTCCzrPvSw" width="560"></iframe><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So I don't see how anybody can still get away with saying they weren't mocking- then again, look at what our president gets away with every gorram day?<br /><br /><i>(As an aside, I'm pretty disappointed with that </i>NYT <i>piece- it's basically pulling an "on all sides" in its reporting, and it's pretty offensive they'd give credence to the claims that the indigenous people were somehow the aggressors, here.)</i></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And yeah, the guy that calls Phillips "Grandpa" shouldn't have engaged with that teenager, but I get why he did it- he was angry, and hurting, and the kid was obviously painfully ignorant (or one of "those" debators, the kind that studies Schopenhauer's <a href="http://www.mnei.nl/schopenhauer/38-stratagems.htm" target="_blank">ways to win an argument</a>)- whether or not indigenous people crossed a land bridge from Asia is entirely irrelevant to the fact that our lands were stolen from us and his ancestors committed genocide to do it. Aside from that, though, it's pretty clear that, despite the picture Sandmann and supporters are trying to paint, the indigenous people were the only ones that weren't being assholes. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's just heartbreaking to watch Phillips at the end, shouting, "RELATIVES! RELATIVES!" and watch as nobody gives a shit. It reminds me of another great uncle, one that taught me about humility and forgiveness. He was a lobbyist for Indian Country, and I remember a conversation we had when I was around thirteen. It went something like this:<br /><br />"Uncle Gerald, how can you be so kind to these guys that are making laws that hurt our people?"<br /><br />"Because without grace, we're no better than them."</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"But why forgive them? It's not like they've really done anything to make things right."<br /><br />"Forgiveness isn't for them, it's for us. If we don't forgive, we carry hate in our hearts, and again, that would make us no better than them. We have to forgive and move on, and hope that eventually they'll listen and help us. With, of course, some forceful convincing on our part." [wink]</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">[He then taught me the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer" target="_blank">Serenity Prayer</a>.]</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">After all the mockery and meanness, Phillips says, "Yeah, let's make America great! Let's do that!" In earnest. Not sarcastically, not to be funny. In earnest.<br /><br />One of the kids shouts, "How?"<br /><br />And the guy that had called Phillips "Grandpa" says, "Not like that!"</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />And that's kind of perfect.<br /><br />Nothing is going to get better if all this hate continues. And the kind of bullshit these kids (and those assholes that antagonized them to begin with) were acting out is just making it worse. And I wish I could talk to my Uncle Gerald about how to deal with these zealots- these MAGA-wearing, Trump-loving bigots. Because I strain and twist myself, trying to be compassionate and open like he taught me. But it gets harder all the time. And in the face of stuff like this? I just can't. And I wish I could ask him what to do. He's gone, so I can't, and that hurts about as much as everything else right now.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And another thing that makes this so painful is the shit Phillips and his companions were dealing with? It's more like an everyday occurrence. I'm glad this one is getting attention, but what I need you to understand, reader, is that this kind of shit happens <b>every day </b>to indigenous people. And to people of color now that Trump is in office. And it's not just elders. It happens to <a href="https://www.npr.org/2019/01/09/683177489/virginia-study-finds-increased-school-bullying-in-areas-that-voted-for-trump" target="_blank">kids</a> at <a href="https://hechingerreport.org/early-evidence-of-a-trump-effect-on-bullying-in-schools/" target="_blank">school</a>. Trump gets <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2017/03/29/515451746/muslim-schoolchildren-bullied-by-fellow-students-and-teachers" target="_blank">quoted by fucking teachers being racist to their students</a>. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And yet, snotty little brats like Sandmann go unchecked when they play the victim. Major news outlets like the <i>New York Times </i>don't call him and his ilk on their bullshit.<br /><br />And what that does, is it silences us. Those of us whose identities are being attacked. Whose very personhood is being called into question. How can we stand up for ourselves if lies about us, about what these people are doing to us, go unquestioned? If when we call for peace, we're depicted as the villain? If when we try to reach out, we're mocked and ridiculed, then turned into the scapegoat and have angry fingers pointed in our direction? So we remain silent. Because you can't reason with irrationality and delusion.<br /><br />It reminds me of a quote from retired Senator Barney Frank: "On what planet do you spend most of your time? Having a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table."</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's impossible. So I don't have any answers. I don't know what to do. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I guess I'll just pray to my totem poles that things will get better somehow. </span><br />
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Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5369812192623132391.post-87482301465616284592018-10-28T15:35:00.000-04:002018-10-28T15:35:17.216-04:00This is Halloween<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've talked about holidays I used to love that now are at the very least a little <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2018/07/why-im-uncomfortable-with-independence.html" target="_blank">uncomfortable</a> for me <a href="https://americandramedy.blogspot.com/2016/12/finding-your-line-or-why-i-hate.html" target="_blank">before</a>. But one holiday that never got ruined for me is Halloween.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I remember a Halloween from when my little sister had just been born, before our brother was, where Mom was Raggedy Anne and Dad was Frankenstein's monster. It sticks out for me because Dad had a very Frankenstein's monster-esque scar on his forehead from tripping and hitting his head on my little sister's bassinet, and Mom was just so damned cute with the little red dot on her nose and the red wig. I don't even remember what anybody else was, but we all went trick-or-treating and then went home and listened to a record of "scary" stories for kids before bed. It was just a really, really great night.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't remember when, but it wasn't long before Halloween became another holiday Dad kind of took charge of, and he had this whole, methodical process to it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">September: Start thinking about costumes. He'd sporadically stop one of us kids and say, "Know what you wanna be for Halloween yet?" as we were doing something mundane like getting a snack or going to the bathroom (I remember one time he did this and I <i style="font-weight: bold;">really</i> had to pee). Eventually, Mom and my older sis stopped going, and Dad and I stopped dressing up, so the focus became what the two young-uns were going to do. My little brother was Buzz Lightyear at least twice (I feel like it was more, though), in this exact costume, inflatable wings and all:</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">First week of October: Buy a bunch of pumpkin carving books and kits, almost always from <a href="https://www.pumpkinmasters.com/" target="_blank">Pumpkin Masters</a>. Then he would take them to work with him illicitly make a bunch of copies of every pattern. After long enough, we had so many pumpkin saws and those little pokey-things that they filled a whole gallon-sized Ziplock, and so many patterns that they filled a whole filing box. So, y'know, this eventually evolved into "get the box with all of the pumpkin shit out of the garage and start looking through the mountain of patterns." We would also put up our decorations. Nothing too outrageous, but we had a respectable amount of stuff outside to show we were a Halloween Family, if you know what I mean.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Second week of October: Buy the costumes. I only remember one year where we waited until within a week of Halloween; Dad was usually super on top of it, even when I was in high school and most of everything else was starting to crumble. This was also the week we needed to finalize our picks for the pumpkin patterns we wanted to carve, as well. I specifically picked the skull pattern in the background in this shot from <i>Hocus Pocus </i>at least twice simply because it was in that shot and that movie is everything:</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Third week of October: Buy candy and pumpkins. The candy and pumpkins were almost always retrieved on the same trip to the grocery store, but what's special (to me) about this is Dad would bring a copy of every pattern being carved that year, and he and I would take turns being the one to hold a potential pumpkin and the person laying a pattern on it to see if it would fit nicely. Once I got older and stronger, he'd hand me a few of the patterns and let me find some by myself while he did likewise, but we always double-checked each other's matches to make sure. If we needed more tea lights, he'd get them at this time, too.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Within a week of Halloween: Carve the pumpkins and bake the seeds. This was always a Big Thing. Dad would spread newspaper on the table and do all of the hollowing out himself; I sometimes helped him wash the seeds clean, but he always seasoned them himself. When I was a teenager, I suggested he make some chili pepper ones for himself and cinnamon-sugar ones for everybody, and that year was particularly great- things were starting to go downhill, but it made him genuinely happy to see how much everyone liked the sweet ones, and it made <i>me </i>really happy to see how much he liked the spicy ones. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Halloween: Go trick-or-treating. Like I said before, the lineup kind of changed, but towards the end of my time living at home, when I was in high school and it was me and Dad taking the young-uns around, it felt special. Dad was more his old self on Halloween, and even though he didn't need me there with them, I insisted on going because I was covetous of that temporary change in him- I wasn't about to miss a chance to spend time with the Dad of the Year from my youth, so I went under the auspices of "helping out" with the young-uns. I think he knew that, too, because we'd sometimes walk holding hands and he'd hug me in a way he hadn't since I was younger than the young-uns. It hurts to remember, but in a good way.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There was one time where an older gentleman in the neighborhood, a widower, noticed me standing more at the back of the walkway up to the door and shouted, "One for Mom, too!" and tossed a bag of the little pumpkin-shaped pretzels he was giving out to me. I caught it, mortified, as Dad, who had gone up to the door with the young-uns, laughed and said, "Oh, no, that's Gab, remember? One of the older girls!" But he called me "Mom" the rest of the time we were out that night, and I lost track of how many times I pushed and punched him for it. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I think that was my junior year of high school.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Then I went to college. As I write this, I realize I've never thought to ask how much of that faded away, and when. I'm sure it did. But since I was never home for any Halloweens after high school, in my own head canon, Halloween never changed. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So I think that's why it became my favorite holiday as an adult. I've been rather transient because of school and moving around, so I haven't really been able to come up with my own traditions, but in a perfect world, I'd build off of what we did when I was a kid. I would carve a pumpkin, bake the seeds, and have a costume. But I would also decorate the shit out of wherever I live, since I know Dad would have loved that, and the idea of that makes me super happy and excited. I'm talking, like, flashing lights and animatronics and motion-sensors everywhere. The analogy I use is similar to the one about fireworks and Christmas displays. I would have the absolute scariest, coolest mothereffing house on the block- but I would have at least one cutsie thing to try to keep the littler, more easily frightened kids at ease. And if I could afford it, I would rotate through a few different setups/have enough stuff that it wouldn't be the same within two or three years. Props like this, that look kinda cheesy up close, but from farther out would be creepy af:</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Or stuff like this; I'm a huge fan of these light effects that look like ghosts and stuff- it's <i>really</i> awesome what people have come up with the past couple years, and I bet my dad would have <b>loved</b> this crap:</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Holy cow, and how fun would it be to go from a <i>Nightmare</i> theme for October</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ8hA6OLhOC8ELClDJmSCB0JHrDzBTj6SWMSTY5q7cMULQisV-UAXYdvpDM0Zx-pceH1Wp6caiBYYDF4jf4WMMQzcn_9RkVTKzCDHUjXo22wwvTjDwj3Vzl4whLXP32nBGSNdt0cO2LpA/s1600/Nightmare+Halloween.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ8hA6OLhOC8ELClDJmSCB0JHrDzBTj6SWMSTY5q7cMULQisV-UAXYdvpDM0Zx-pceH1Wp6caiBYYDF4jf4WMMQzcn_9RkVTKzCDHUjXo22wwvTjDwj3Vzl4whLXP32nBGSNdt0cO2LpA/s320/Nightmare+Halloween.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'd be way more elaborate and get, like, creepy trees and stuff<br />from a Halloween store, but this is the gist</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">to something like this for December</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ1Vhdjs3I8WLZExIHy3pdkpthkA8ZOOWzZfGB1wJrrzFPHDdHbni1mx6dHrhCV7D6tm2oV9KPhmLxTBiB3Y9gQOah1F78B57E9lmZPd3f7HhvePvMVxEUAymGYPuhv4FIjx0H8kwxEXI/s1600/Nightmare+Winter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1280" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ1Vhdjs3I8WLZExIHy3pdkpthkA8ZOOWzZfGB1wJrrzFPHDdHbni1mx6dHrhCV7D6tm2oV9KPhmLxTBiB3Y9gQOah1F78B57E9lmZPd3f7HhvePvMVxEUAymGYPuhv4FIjx0H8kwxEXI/s320/Nightmare+Winter.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I would just <i style="font-weight: bold;">love</i> to be able to do that. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I know none of this house decor stuff will ever happen. I want to be a special ed teacher, and I live in Seattleish where COLA is ridiculous; there's no way I'll be able to afford this much stuff, let alone the house I would need to do it. But it's nice to dream, and to think of how proud my dad would be of me if I pulled it off.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">More plausibly, when I eventually have kids, I would, of course, take them in my own costume every year, and if their dad was with me, leave candy out with a note about the honor's system and such. And I'd stay in costume once we got home so that I could give candy out to kiddoes, dressed up in whatever. I particularly like the idea of bonding with kids over their costumes, like, "I was that when I was a kid!" or, "Look, we're both superheroes!"</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And if I don't have kids, I would at least attend, if not host a party with spooky music and a costume contest and dry ice in the fake cauldron with the punch; if I hosted, for sure there would be spooky board games like <i><a href="https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/10547/betrayal-house-hill" target="_blank">Betrayal at the House on the Hill</a></i> and <i><a href="https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/100423/elder-sign" target="_blank">Elder Sign</a>* </i>and stuff. Hell, maybe we'd watch <i>Hocus Pocus</i> or <i>Nightmare Before Christmas</i> and have a drinking game of it, too. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What's also made getting anything of my own really going nigh impossible is I've been working retail for so damned long, even while in school, that this is the first Halloween in years that I can remember where I won't be working for at least the start of the evening. I did get to hand out candy to like four kids a few years ago, but they had been stragglers, kids at the end, since I had been working earlier and got home after sunset. But anyway, I've been so busy lately with a thing that had me in the hospital a few times (I'm fine, nothing even remotely life-threatening, just SUPER annoying) and working two jobs and school, I haven't had the time to get any decorations, a pumpkin, not even candy. And it disappoints me. Like this is my one chance in so many years, and I've pretty much blown it.<br /><br />Maybe I'll just get a couple mini pumpkins and some candy and put the former on the porch so kids know they can come up to our apartment and get the latter from me. Since I'm nowhere near ready to have kids (situationally- I want them, yeah, but I know I can't right now, not for some time), my best bet is to absorb what I can from the ones that would come to my door. But also, being in an apartment, I highly doubt more than one or two kids will show up, anyway. That makes me sad, too. </span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So even though Halloween hasn't been ruined for me by family drama, it's certainly been disappointing, and I have no idea when I'll be able to actually make it better. But what I do know is as soon as I can, I will, and it's going to be amazeballs. Even if just for me. And that's worth smiling about.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>*</i>Not <i><a href="https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/15987/arkham-horror" target="_blank">Arkham Horror</a></i>. Fuck that game and its ridiculously complex rules and its nigh impossibility of actually winning. </span></div>
Gabolicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08500078525979997275noreply@blogger.com0