Abusing is a Choice, and Johnny Made it, Too

Mild Spoilers for Big Little Lies- because let's face it, I think errbody knows the deal with Nicole Kidman's character by now, but just in case you have NO IDEA and just CAN'T be spoiled in the least, you may wanna skip this one, kiddo

In Big Little Lies, season 1, we are witness to the abusive and toxic  relationship between Celeste (played beautifully, heartbreakingly by Nicole Kidman) and her husband Perry (played hauntingly by Alexander Skarsgard (sorry, I legit can't figure out how to do the little doodad over the second "a" in his name :( )). While we can see Celeste getting something out of it, the show tries to make it pretty clear that Perry is the abuser and Celeste is the abused.

Then season 2 happens.

And while I can't find any super useful clips online (good job, HBO, you bastards), it complicates this dichotomy more. Because during the course of the second season, Celeste admits to having also hit Perry, and that the abuse made sex with him more exciting and satisfying. In the end, she still proves that this does not make her an unfit mother, and that she did what she had to do to adapt to her situation and survive. Ultimately, she admits some culpability while still maintaining that she lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety for her own safety and the safety of her twin sons.

In other words, the show moves from painting her as 100% a victim to having somewhat of a hand in her situation, while still maintaining she was, overall, a victim. I can't remember all the ways how, but I know between the two seasons, as well as the combination of Celeste's descriptions to others plus the times we're actually shown the violence, it's made clear that Perry used his greater physical strength and size against her by pinning her, lifting her in a way that made her prone and defenseless (by her hair at least once, for example), and/or trapping her in places from which she had no escape (although it backfired in the shower that one time, but it's likely that was a fluke and who knows? a predator like that, he'd probably hit her in the shower before; it's at least not hard to believe, especially given how utterly terrified she is that time he gives her a necklace in there). So even though there are a few times where she stands up for herself and essentially "starts" the fight (which is, of course, messed up- it's not like she deserves to be punched for trying to set a boundary), in the end, he would use tactics that rendered her helpless and overpower her before she even had much chance to physically harm him. Still, even though she accepts and works through the fact that she wasn't 100% innocent, that doesn't mean she deserved what happened, nor that her treatment of Perry is equivalent to how he treated her.

I bring this up because this news about Amber Heard and Johnny Depp reminds me of it. And what's so fucking frustrating about it is from the moment Heard published her op-ed in the New York Times, the idea that she's making it all up has been pretty damn loud. So now that there is audio where she admits some culpability, there's suddenly this huge "Justice for Johnny" campaign that entirely exonerates him from his part in the abuse.

Not even that. It paints him as 100% the victim, as Season 1 Celeste. Like he was entirely innocent and did absolutely nothing to harm Heard.

And I'm over here thinking, "Fuck, did these people all read the same stuff I did before?"

Me, to the whole Internet lately

Because this "free Johnny" stuff ignores that she has photographic evidence of abuse, has corroboration from friends who took her call when she was upset over him getting physical, who came over and saw the aftermath, or called 911 for her because they could hear it happening. 

Also.

Listen to the audio. His language is frequently one of mutual culpability. Lots of "we," lots of "you and I"-ing. And "...physical abuse on each other." And having been afraid of a partner, I know that yes, sometimes a victim will claim some fault in order to placate them during reconciliation- I've been there. But if this is all we have, then conjecture and assuming that's all he's doing is... reckless, at best. 

And yes, it's important to acknowledge that he does talk about leaving... once. One night, out of the eighteen months they were married, plus their time together before nuptials. 

Unfortunately, this isn't a television drama. This is real life. Unlike Celeste and Perry's story, we can't see everything- every fight, every instance of abuse. So we have no way of knowing exactly what happened every time they got physical with each other.

But.

Heard admitting she would "lose it" does not mean Depp never did, too. Heard admitting she hit him doesn't mean Depp never hit her. 

And folks, I've been around abuse. Even if he didn't start it every single time, he always, always had a choice. The fact that he made the right one once doesn't mean he did it every time. 

I've said (or maybe implied, I guess) before, I got out of my abusive relationship probably within a few days of being phyically abused. I was lucky. But when we were still together, I could get pretty nasty when we were fighting.

My ex-boyfriend has a son that, at the time we started dating, he hadn't seen in well over a year. When I left him, he still hadn't- so by then, it had been closer to four years. And as awful as I feel about it, as un-proud I am about it, I used that against him. I would say things like, "Maybe if you got your fucking shit together, I'd finally get to meet the kid you claim you want me to be a mom to!" and, "You think you deserve to see your kid when you act like that?" or even, "He's better off without you."

You, to me

I know. I hate me a little for it, and I always will. I apologized to him as I was leaving, but I'll probably never forgive myself. I lashed out, said things I knew would wound him severely as a result of and in retaliation for the wounds he had given me. In other words, I made the choice to hurt him back.

As I've said before,* being good is a choice. Doing the right thing is just that: An action verb, a gerund**. It's not passive. No one is good, we do as much good as we can. Just being oneself is a process, and all we can do is make it a process focused on doing the "right" thing every time we're given a choice not to.

I bring this up to point out that while I'm more of a Season 2 Celeste, someone that was hurt and maybe did some stupid stuff as a result/way to cope, Heard isn't automatically a Perry- essentially evil, nigh irredeemably so- just because she admits she was also abusive. Mutual abuse is, by its very nature, never one-sided. And it's horrendously, uncomfortably, disturbingly complex. It's not black-and-white, it's all kinds of gray, and not that 50-shades ball-hooey.

Unlike the Entire Internet, I don't find it hard to believe that Heard could have hit Depp but that he also hit her, too. Her admitting culpability does not absolve him from his. Worst case scenario: They're both absolute trash and neither deserves a career anymore because fuck that. But that's just it: BOTH OF THEM. Because if Heard deserves to be "canceled" or whatever for hitting Depp, then the same goes for him. 

And of course, I have no doubt Depp was hurting, too, and not just physically. It's obvious in the recordings (and stands to reason) that he loved her and wanted to make things work. Because another thing about abusive relationships that people tend to gloss over is that someone can, in the best way they're capable of, love the partner they abuse. Yes, it's twisted, it's selfish, it's toxic, but it's still their version of love. And so I do have some sympathy for both, because by golly, I can't imagine how fucked up it would be to have that much extremity involved with the person I love- the guilt, the shame, the anger, but also the joy, the bliss, the passion. But is it so hard to believe that they both chose to hurt one another? At least subconsciously, if not overtly?

Apparently it is!!!!***

Honestly, though, what this whole "free Johnny" crap demonstrates is the deep misogyny embedded in the public reaction to all of this, and the double standards women face when they try to come forward about abuse of any kind. Because like I said, since Heard first came forward, the court of public opinion has basically put her on trial the way victims are treated in real court rooms. Take Taylor Swift's case for example: The opposing attorney was basically just trying to gaslight her the whole time she was on the stand (and how glorious it was that she was not having it) (you may dislike her music, but that's fucking badass, come on). All sorts of shit about how Heard could have left sooner, it wasn't like she didn't have her own money, if he was already abusing her why did she marry him, etc. It's just disgusting.

So now? Now, there's an excuse to just brush her off entirely.

JK Rowling must be wiping her TERFy forehead with relief right now, I tell ya. 

As a slight aside, too- I know from experience that toxicity is never there from the beginning. It seeps in, slowly, gradually, until suddenly you realize you're covered in it and basically this guy:

So this idea that she "should" have got out sooner if he was so bad is hogwash. Saying stuff like "leave the first time he disrespects you" and "the moment he tells you what to wear, get out" is a form of victim-blaming, and it's easy to say from the outside. Nevermind the fact that so much of what makes domestic abuse so difficult to get away from is the unhealthy dependency that gets conditioned into both parties- no, just get out as soon as he's a little mean!

But that's just it: It always starts small, in little ways that are easy to explain and forgive. And when you're in the thick of the relationship, you're seeing the forest and missing the trees. And eventually you're so busy staring at the canopy, you fail to realize that 90% of the trees are actually rotten. And even though maybe you see dying trees in your periphery, you focus like a lazer on the one or two that are still green and beautiful, because it's the only way you can keep going, the only way to justify to yourself the fact that you fell for it. 

And honestly? This could genuinely apply to both Heard and Depp. They're only human. Neither of them was throwing stuff or pulling hair the first week. It started with a nasty remark, maybe a slap or pulled puch that was legitimately meant to be a joke. And as time went on, they both started doing things that were worse, darker, progressively less and less okay, less and less funny. Until POOF! their behavior got so extreme there were bruises and blood. As Depp put it, it was "a crime scene." It evolved into that, though, crept up on both of them.

But to assume it's all made up when Heard is the victim, and then that everything she says is suddenly true as long as it pertains to hurting Depp is downright gross. There's a recording of Heard admitting she hit him, there's also at least one third party that says they witnessed Depp hitting her. 

I want to reiterate that last point- a THIRD PARTY witness has given statements about the abuse inflicted on Heard. Ignoring this while taking that recording at face value is willful hypocrisy. 

I don't give a damn about either of them individually, no more than I would anyone else I don't know- I don't wish them harm, no, but I don't stay up at night worrying if either is ok. But this wave of "free Johnny" stuff, that I care about, and that has literally kept me up at night- because it's another example of a woman's case being nitpicked and torn apart in order to exonerate the man that did her harm. And even if she hit him, he hit her, too (and, according to that friend of Heard's, even ripped some of her gorram hair out). Sure, she should be held accountable- I'm not saying she shouldn't. But so should he. And if you think for one moment that he's innocent now, then just get your head out of your ass, or admit you're a sheep that's too easily duped by misogynistic narratives that are formulated specifically to preserve male hegemony. Please, people just....

*Oh me from a few years ago, admiring Hillary so blindly........... We all make mistakes. Le sigh.

**I fucking love gerunds. About as much as my Oxford commas. 

***Pardon my terrible MS Paint job. A more skilled person would turn it into a gif somehow. I am not that person.