*Don't* Shut Up, Wesley!: When Hypocrisy, Vitriol, and Social Justice Collide

I've been sitting on whether or not to write about this for a bit now, ever since the news broke out, but given how much it bubbles in my brain and how much of an emotional response I feel when it does, I figured I should just get this out there.

This showed up in my news feed the day it went live, and it... Made me angry. Like, so angry I had to ask for a few extra minutes on my break because I had read it while at work, angry. It, along with the anger directed at Wil described there, are perfect examples of a phenomenon I have observed on the Internet, one that I think is completely self-defeating and outlandish. But allow me to explain here, in my own words.

Wil Wheton  started getting big on the Internet after showing up in niche nerd properties like The Guild and by his involvement in Geek and Sundry, especially with his show Tabletop, the latter of which I was one of the first subscribers on YouTube. So, y'know, full disclosure, I've been a fan for a long time. I especially appreciated how his motto of "Don't be a dick" was used on Twitter and the like by both him and his fans- he consistently decries the misogyny and hatred of the nerdboiz during Gamergate and Comicsgate, and all this recent Star Wars bullshit from the toxic minority (I feel like I saw something from his Twitter account or something, but I can't find it- he at least alludes to it here), and very openly supports (and calls for) attempts at diversity and inclusion within the various intersecting nerd-doms out there through his Twitter account and blog. 

So, naturally, he became a target. The nerdboiz he was calling out did some of the exact stuff he was highlighting to him, namely the ridiculous vitriol and bullying. Crucially, during the Gamergate stuff, he posted a block list created by Randi Harper under the auspices of a simple, hassle-free way to block misogynists and Nazis. It was later revealed that Harper is a hot-tempered terf, going so far as to encourage Gamergaters, the supposed enemy and problem, to dox trans rights people, and her list had in fact included myriad trans activists. As soon as he found out, Wil apologized, did his best to remove all of these people from the list and, when he couldn't, got rid of it and stopped promoting it altogether. 

Let me reiterate that last point: As soon as he realized the list he had promoted was secretly transphobic, he did his utmost to rectify the situation, by both unblocking trans people/activists and by getting rid of it. 

In other words, he did something in good faith, realized it was a mistake, and then tried to make up for it.

But that wasn't enough. He was continually being called transphobic and anti-LGBT and such, and was a consistent enough target of harassment and bullying by social justice advocates that he deactivated his Twitter, instead setting up shop on the purportedly ultra-liberal Mastadon. He was immediately the target of harassment there (you can see his responses to it on what's left of his page), a behavior which is supposedly against the platform's code of conduct. And he left Mastodon after his account was suspended by the admin of that instance, the admin telling him they received 60+ complaints about him in one night- notably, then, not for committing any violations himself, but rather because this big unruly mob flooded the admin's inbox.

Except they weren't nearly as cute- or musical.

I highly recommend reading Wil's piece on this whole thing. 

So here's why that first article I linked made me angry.

The author openly states that Wil was the target of a trolling prank on Mastodon, and that the perpetrator was a trans woman. But she makes him out as the bad guy for reporting the prankster, based solely on the fact that the latter is trans, ignoring the fact that the prankster was violating Mastodon's code of conduct in the first place. The author makes it out to be evidence of his supposed "transphobic agenda" or whatever, but dude- that woman on Mastodon being trans doesn't change the fact that she violated the server's terms. I get where the author is coming from, that she (the prankster) may not "feel safe around" Wil anymore, but you know what? Let's be a little more honest in our reporting/statements of facts, here.
Also, as a staunch supporter of the #MeToo/#TimesUp movement, I'm not super pissed he never ended up giving a detailed statement in:re Chris Hardwick. And I've been raped twice and was in an abusive relationship, folks. If he and Chris were as close as it seems, I totally understand. It's painful, and private. He has a right to privacy. He doesn't have to say anything. It'd be cool if he did, but these people don't know how that whole mess affected Wil personally, and while I am in no way saying he's a direct victim of Hardwick's alleged behavior, it's kind of asinine to demand a condemnation from the guy. I know all of my ex's friends and family know how he treated me, but I don't expect them to give him the boot because of it; how can I expect a stranger to do the same in similar circumstances? I know that's just my personal situation, but relationships are complicated, and so are people, and without being right there with them, we can't profess to know what "should" go on between two close friends when one turns out to be abusive; and it's also borderline cruel to expect a person to bare such deep, personal things to a mob of people that will condemn them either way.

Plus, maybe if the vitriol hadn't been so fierce, he wouldn't have left Twitter when he did and, yeah, maybe he would have made some sort of statement- we'll never know because he left, but I can't help but think that he didn't get a chance before the pitchforks got close enough to his jugular that he had to call it quits.

And basically, the way I see it, Wil isn't the one with the "listening problem," it's all of the people attacking him. Because they ignore all of the positive stuff he's done before, and refuse to accept his apology for his mistake. 

And herein lies the problem: If marginalized communities can't listen when an ally apologizes, they aren't going to keep their allies. When they engage in the kind of behavior they decry and aim it at people that previously were on their side, all they're doing is adding fuel to the fire of their detractors.

I'm probably pissing loads of people off, but hear me out.

Wil's response when he realized the list was bad was what should be ideal for an ally- he apologized and tried to make amends. It's classic Ally 101 behavior, stuff I read about when studying in grad school (remembe the time I was almost an academic? Jeez...). Destructive allies don't apologize; ones that can help enact change do.

But that's just it- I can't say he actually made amends, because, like I said, it wasn't enough. A bunch of social justice advocates stuck their fingers in their own gorram ears and crucified him. And that's entirely counter-productive to "the cause," so to speak. Who the flip are you preaching to, if you condemn anyone outside your circle that makes the slightest mistake? I'll give you a hint:

It may be sacrilege, but I liked this one more.

And I say this as a woman whose own intersectional identity leads to all sorts of internalized discrimination. 

Allies are people, too. We have to let them make mistakes. We have to listen when they apologize. We have to be there with, and for, them when they learn and grow into better allies. We can't expect to keep allies when we don't allow them to just be human. I'm focusing on this treatment of allies, here, but Sarah Lynn Michener addresses this in her own piece about some of the problems of the ultra-left:

It's fine to call out a celeb if they've genuinely done something problematic. But if you then never forgive them, bring it up every time they are invited to speak at a rally, and routinely say they have no place in the resistance because of things they have long since apologized for, then you will have a very small and ineffective resistance. 

I couldn't agree with her more! By attacking current, imperfect allies, you're alienating potential ones. TURNING ON MEMBERS OF YOUR TEAM ONLY MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE PART OF THE PROBLEM. Or at the very least, it reinforces the crap right-wingers say about "social justice warriors" and the like. 

And it proves how that holier-than-thou attitude is nothing but snake oil. I'm not going to go down the path of discussing the implications of sending the lions after someone that legitimately, earnestly espouses discriminatory beliefs. That's its own post.

But. Doing so to someone who has consistently, adamantly, and thoroughly demonstrated to genuinely be on your side is disgusting. And yeah, I do think it makes those doing it look as bad as the people they're supposed to be "fighting" against in the first place, the people whose identities are so integral to their own- because without someone to not be like, they have no idea what to be like. And they have no idea how hypocritical it is to say conservatives are "closed-minded" when they literally cannot listen to anything that's remotely outside their exact idea of what any bit of discourse should look like. It's its own, messed up form of hegemony that just makes me ashamed.

And no. I'm not saying the trans movement is for cis white dudes like Wil (let elone ones less enlightened than him- because he admits whole-heartedly he has all sorts of privileges because he's a cis white dude, y'all). Or that any movement at all is "for" allies. I'm not that stupid, either. But what I am saying is that you can't have a successful uprising without help from those in the most advantaged positions. In other words, allies.

And you can't expect those allies to be perfect. I mean, for Pete's sake, even official members of the in-group aren't always perfect. But we have to take them seriously when they try to make it right, walking them through what was wrong, why it was wrong, and how to go about that fix.

On a super personal note, someone very dear to me, a cis white male, has said he's often terrified of opening his mouth in situations related to marginalization, be it in person or online, because he's afraid of being attacked by the very people with which he wishes to express solidarity. Because what if he accidentally "says the wrong thing" or "gets misinterpreted" or whatnot. And I think this is why this issue pisses me off so bloody much- I know damn well he would fight, literally and figuratively, with every last ounce for every cause I would, but he feels powerless to do so because of some damn ASSHOLES that can't chill out and are so damn territorial and unwilling to even consider the possibility that someone from the majority can mess up but still be sincere. I know it's anecdotal, but it speaks to the bigger issue- this person I care about refrains from helping for fear of backlash. And c'mon, he's not the only one. Obvi.

So, Wil, if you're reading this (which I highly doubt you are), remember that small, loud minority of people doesn't speak for everybody. There are those of us that already miss your presence on the intertubes. That are sorry those arsehats scared you off. And wish we could bake you cookies.

And my advice to my fellow liberals: Get your act together. Stop vilifying people that can and want to help for making mistakes, especially if they express a desire to reconcile. If you can do this, there's hope for the future, for the change you, we, so passionately want. The more you can, the more credibility you'll build up, too. 

 If you can't, or rather won't, well, I have absolutely zero inclination to join your particular team- I'm good on my own, thanks. So in that case, you can just

Video Game Nostalgia

I started this post at 1:30 am a few nights ago. 

I can't sleep, and my mind is racing, so I figured I could waste some time here. But I don't know what to write about (there are like ten topics right now I could rant about, actually, but I don't want to think too hard, since this is supposed to help lull me to sleep), so I'll just tell you some good memories.

I miss (video) gaming. I used to do it a lot in elementary-high school, during breaks in college, and even in graduate school. I still like keeping up with news about upcoming titles and releases, but I haven't played through a newly-released game on my own, without someone else there the whole time, since 2013 (The Walking Dead,  Journey, and Injustice). My new Beaux has encouraged me to play some games with him present, and I finished one but have basically given up during the final boss battle of another. And since, as I mentioned already, I like keeping up with what's new, he bought me Horizon: Zero Dawn for my birthday last year, knowing I was super interested in it (as pretty much every female gamer was). But I couldn't finish that one, either- I played for a few hours, and liked what I got through, but since I was playing on his PS4 and we weren't living together, and my roommates were playing through it on theirs, and then he started playing it, too... 

Not me. Not me in the slightest.

But I also was reeeeeally struggling with the whole joystick thing. I've always been terrible at FPS, and preferred my games to be third-person, with a camera that follows you, and maybe you do some tweaking, if the environment is 3-D. Like what Journey did, or Resident Evil 4. Having to constantly move the camera with me, especially during combat was something I just couldn't adapt to. And I was embarrassed because my Beaux would watch me play and screw up SUPER STUPID BADLY because the camera wasn't in the right spot. Sure, he was never mean about it, but I was just so ashamed that this professed "gamer" that I was couldn't even shoot a gorram arrow at a slow-moving target, let alone survive intense, quick combat. And I am fully aware that most games have a camera system like that nowadays, so I know getting back into games is going to be really difficult for me. He's got me playing Portal, a game I've been interested in for a decade, which he says will help me get better at the camera thing, but it's sometimes really hard to focus because he's right there and I don't want to look stupid, and I feel like no matter how hard I try not to, when I respond to something he says while I'm playing, I sound angry or mean because I'm so tense.* 

Anyway

The fact that I used to be pretty okay at video games and am now an utter N00b is painful. And there's no way to express my disappointment without either sounding whiney or curmudgeony. I think it's great that games have evolved! I'm just sad I didn't evolve with them. 

I don't remember if I talked about it specifically or not before, but video games were a way for my family to "come together" when I was a kid/teenager. Sure, I'd play through stuff Mom and Dad rented or managed to buy for me on my own, but there were a few series we would play together, meaning Dad, my older sister, and I (and later with the addition of my younger sister) would take turns holding the control while everybody else (including Mom and my younger brother) watched. They were mostly survival horror, but the Spyro series was one distinctly not "scary" series I remember we enjoyed. While I remember needing to do some camera work in that game, it was so much slower than the intense stuff that's around nowadays. And with it being re-released in November, I worry I'll still be too shitty of a player to even bother getting it because it's going to be too "updated" for me to handle. (Same goes for this Resident Evil 2 Remaster.)

But anyhoo.  

Video games were some of the few luxury items Dad was willing to splurge on, when they were the right titles. Whenever a new game in a series our family liked playing together was coming out, he would leave work early enough to pick it up on the way home and still get there before my older sister and I did that Thursday. We would start it that afternoon, sometimes with a pause for dinner in the evening, other times not (and actually, I think I remember later the tradition became ordering Chinese takeout from our favorite place). And Dad, my older sis, and me would stay home the next day to keep playing. We'd sometimes play through a game twice over the weekend, if it was one we liked that much. I even remember one time, Dad actually picked me up from school early on Thursday so I could go with him when he went to Blockbuster to rent the system (GameCube) after we bought the game (back when that was still a Thing) (also it may make no sense we rented the console but bought the game, but 1) Dad wanted us to purchase the game "so the'll keep making these fuckers," and 2) at that point, it was the only game we were interested in on that system, and we weren't sure if any others would come out; we bought one eventually because yeah, we wanted other stuff on it, but a console is a much bigger investment than a game, and when bills may or may not be on time, you have to prioritize, is all I'm sayin', yo).

Video games were Serious Business in our household. What's interesting is Dad, older sis, and I all played NES and Genesis, but never with each other. I'd sometimes watch Dad play stuff, but for the most part, gaming was a solo act for us. Until we got the Playstation. After that, we started the whole "play hooky," everybody's involved thing. I think because we got the system, along with the first RE, Tekken 3, and the Die Hard Trilogy on Christmas, and so we were all available to hang out as we watched Dad play Die Hard, and since I had always liked horror/scary/spooky shit, he wanted me there when he tried Resident Evil, and it just kind of evolved into this whole family thing. And over time, it became somewhat of a refuge when things were rough. 

Ah, memories. It led to some pretty great moments. Some highlights:

Resident: Evil

MOM: *From the dining table where she's putting on makeup or something* Do you really have to kill the dogs?

GAB: Yes, Mom, they're zombie dogs.

ZOMBIE DOG: AAAAAAAARGH! *snarls, goes after JILL*

JILL: AGH! *bleeds* 

GAB: See, Mom?! They're going after my jugular!

MOM: Well, it's just sad.

JILL: *shoots ZOMBIE DOG*

ZOMBIE DOG: *yelps, falls over*

MOM: See? They scream in pain!

ZOMBIE DOG: *big pool of blood forms underneath, indicating it's dead for realz*

JILL: *limps away, health in red now*

Yeah, I feel SOOOO BAD about it.

MOM: Why are you limping?

GAB: *pauses, turns to stare at MOM*

MOM: WHAT?!?!

Silent Hill

DAD: *after messing with the PIANO for almost an hour* I'm not musical, maybe that's it. Here *shoves control at OLDER SIS* you do this shit.

OLDER SIS: Sure! I'll get this nice and quick.

*an hour later*

OLDER SIS: I have no idea.

DAD: Gab, you try.

*OLDER SIS hands GAB control*

GAB: Okaaaaay, but if you two couldn't get it, I-

DAD: Just try it, we gotta get past this shit.

*an hour later*

GAB: Daaaaaaad, I really don't think-

DAD: Fine! Yeah! Whatever! I give up for now! Jesus!

*the next day, DAD is all business*

DAD: Okay, girls, we're gonna get this shit. *tries a few things, none work*

OLDER SIS: Maybe if-

DAD: I DON'T KNOW! It's like this piano is laughing at me!

PIANO: *does nothing*

*DAD keeps trying for another two hours or so, then rage quits again*

*the next day, OLDER SIS isn't home*

DAD: *serious tone, stage whisper, in the kitchen* Okay, Gab.

GAB: Yeah?

DAD: They have, like, walkthroughs and shit on the Internet, right?

GAB: Yeah, so?

DAD: *normal tone* So? *marches over to Playstation, boots it up* So you're gonna go upstairs, go online, and print me some kind of Goddamn walkthrough so I can get past this FUCKING piece of shit piano, and you aren't gonna tell your sister about it. Got it?

GAB: Y-y-YES! Got it!

*two hours later, OLDER SIS gets home*

OLDER SIS: Oh hey! You made it past the piano!

GAB: Well-

DAD: Fuck YEAH, we did, right, Gab?

GAB: Yeah! Yeah, right!

Dino Crisis

GAB: OHMYGOD, THAT'S SAILOR VENUS!

DAD: The fuck are you talking about?

OLDER SIS: I think you're right, Gab, that sounds like her!

DAD: Oh, you mean the girl doing Regina's voice?

BOTH GIRLS: OHMYGOD! THAT'S SO COOL!

DAD: QUIET, DAMNIT! I don't wanna get jumped by a-

RAPTOR: *leaps out and attacks*

DAD: MOTHER FUCKER!

*later in the game, OLDER SIS is playing*

GAB: At least they don't open doors in this game like they do in Jurassic Park.

*ten minutes later T-REX smashes head through big window and starts chomping at Regina*

DAD: AAAAAAGH!

OLDER SIS: SHIT YOU DO IT! *throws control at GAB*

GAB: WHY ME?! *fumbles control, it goes under the coffee table*

DAD: Cuz you JINXED it, you idiot!

T-REX: ROOOOOAAAAAR!!!!! *bites Regina's head off*

GAB: *emerging from under table, holding control over head* GOT IT!

OLDER SIS and DAD: *glare at GAB*

GAB: *looks at screen* Oh... *control goes down slowly into lap* Sorry...

Resident Evil 3 

NEMESIS: STAAAAARS! 

DAD: Okay, so we obviously can't run from this, shit. And I don't even have the shotgun!

GAB: I dunno, Dad, I think the Magnum is better.

DAD: Well I'll just let him kill me so I can get to the box and grab a shotgun. 

NEMESIS: STAAAAAARS!!

*DAD loads from the last save point, loads up on healing items, and takes the shotgun to the fight*

OLDER SIS: Don't you think you should save again with all of your stuff, just to make it easier?

DAD: It'll be fine.

NEMESIS: STAAAAARSS!

*DAD enters the fight and empties two shotgun cartridges into NEMESIS*

DAD: Why isn't the fucker down yet?

NEMESIS: STAAAAARSS!

DAD: *closes eyes, breathes in deeply through nose, exhales slowly through mouth, blinks* Okay, I just need more bullets. I'll save after I add them to my inventory.

GAB: Are you sure you don't wanna try the Magnum?

DAD: Sweetie, listen, I ran out of bullets last time, that's it. The shotgun is fine. There's no way we're even half done with the game yet, I want to save the Magnum for the final boss.

GAB: Okay, Dad.

NEMESIS: STAAAAARRRRSS!

DAD: Son. Of. A. Bitch! Well, how 'bout one of you try?

OLDER SIS: I can! *takes control*

GAB: Sis, will you try the Magnum?

OLDER SIS: Nah, I can probably dodge better. I'll use the rest of the B gunpowder and make more bullets, too.

DAD: Magnum bullets are too hard to make, the shotgun is fine.

OLDER SIS: Yeah, we just need to be careful not to miss.

DAD: And we can try the grenade launcher next.

GAB: Okaaaaay.....

OLDER SIS: Let's go, then!

NEMESIS: STAAAAAARRRSSS!

OLDER SIS: Okay, grenade launcher it is, then.

NEMESIS: STAAAAARRRRSS!!!

OLDER SIS: Okay, well, I wasn't careful enough to dodge, I'll do better this time.

NEMESIS: 

,

!!!!!!

GAB: *holds out hand* May I?

OLDER SIS: *glares*

DAD: Oh, for Christ's sake, just let her. 

GAB: *starts from last safe point, loads up on as many Magnum rounds as I can make* Just one try with this, okay? I won't save that I used all of the C powder, and if it doesn't work, I'll switch to the grenade launcher.

DAD: *grumbles* I still like the shotgun more, on principle.

NEMESIS: STAAAAAARSS!

GAB: *unloads entire clip of rounds into NEMESIS without getting hit, runs for cover* OKAY! *reloads* So I know that was a lot of rounds, but let's see what happens.

OLDER SIS: *scoffs*

GAB: *unloads all but last bullet into NEMESIS*

DAD: Aw, shit, it's your last shot!

GAB: Oh my GOOOOOOD! *last shot*

NEMESIS: *staggers, falls down, whispering now* Staaaarrrss....

DAD: Holy shit, did you get 'im?

GAB: *panicked* I dunno!

OLDER SIS: He's not moving, the boss music stopped, you did it!

GAB: *jumps up, fist pumping* I TOLD YOU GUYS TO USE THE MAGNUM!!!!!!! *offers control to DAD*

DAD: *while standing and walking around his recliner toward his bedroom and bathroom* No, no, obviously you're smarter about this shit than me, you're in charge for a while. I need to take a shit and eat some TUMS, this shit is stressing me the fuck out. Pause it until I get back, will ya?

GAB: *beams at OLDER SIS*

OLDER SIS: *rolls eyes*

Code: Veronica X

YOUNGER SIS: Okay, but like dolls creep me out. *tries to offer control to GAB*

DAD: Oh no, you need to get in on this more. Keep going.

YOUNGER SIS: *whimpers, keeps playing*

GAB: Anyway, it's a zombie game, the dolls won't come to life. They're just... atmosphere, ambience. 

YOUNGER SIS: I'll "atmos" your "sphere".

DAD: *sighs*

*both girls giggle*

ZOMBIE: UUUUNNNNNGGGGGH!

YOUNGER SIS: SHIT! 

*later*

DAD: Oh don't tell me he's just a fuckin' cross-dressing nutjob?

*it's revealed Alfred has been dressing as his sister*

DAD: Son. Of. A. Bitch.

*later*

YOUNGER SIS: STEEEEEVE! 

STEVE: 

YOUNGER SIS: Dyammit. Don't say you love her, please, oh for the love of GOD, don't do it, it'll break me.

STEVE:

YOUNGER SIS: NOOOOOOOO I SAID DON'T DO THAT YOU ASSHOLE! Don't die on me now!

STEVE:

YOUNGER SIS: NUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOO!!!

Limbo

DAD: SHIT, why's this so fuckin' hard!

YOUNGER SIS: Uh, Dad, I think that's kinda the point. Like you're supposed to die a bunch?

DAD: Well I don't appreciate that.

GAB: You're supposed to figure out how to solve the puzzles by dying.

DAD: I shouldn't have to die to sove a fuckin' puzzle.

YOUNGER SIS: What are those? 

DAD: Fuck if I know!

GAB: They look kinda like insect legs.

YOUNGER SIS: Or tree branches?

BOY: 

DAD: *growels*

*later*

YOUNGER SIS: Okayokayokay, I can't believe we didn't die back there. What do we do now?

DAD: Try pushing that boulder into that tree?

YOUNGER SIS: Okay, Imma do it. And I am NOT going to die this time!

BOY: 

YOUNGER SIS: DYAAAAMMMIIIIT!

+++++++

I have tons of others, but I've gone on long enough. And it's time to watch my Beaux play something. Memories, though.

*That tension is probably mostly related to some other general mental health garbage- which is why I can't sleep, so HI! You're reading this because I'm a MESS! YAY!.