Girly Nerdery 2: Cosplay, Cons, and the Intersection of Rape and Geek Cultures

I absolutely,  in my heart of hearts, believe that the way creepers at conventions think it's okay  for them to do their creeper thing at said conventions is a direct result of a combination of both rape culture and the hyper-sexist environment of geek culture. It doesn't matter whether a woman is  fat,  thin, blonde, brunette, white, of color- women are treated like crap at cons and in geek culture.  

TRIGGER WARNING: I'm going to be discussing real sexual harassment I've experienced at an anime convention, as well as bringing up other real-life accounts I've heard of online. 

There are lots  of posts online about how women at cons get harrassed. I think there's a strong misconception that only women in skimpy outfits face it, or only heavy women. I saw this on FB and I think it gets at some of this:

Contra to what a lot of people  on the comments there and  on the place I saw it on FB think, this image isn't about fat-shaming per se. It's about how women of any shape and size are treated like crap at conventions- heavy women, like the woman brave enough to draw this, are made fun of for being "too fat" for their costumes (much like this gal was here). BUT. The strip also shows how women with that "ideal" body type are called sluts and oggled at by the same people, and their "legitimacy" is constantly tested. 

In May, I hosted a bachelor/bachelorette party at an anime convention. Sort of. It was held at the  con, during the con, and myriad  of the  guests did con things throughout the weekend. I didn't- another friend and I got a room together at another hotel, so whenever I was at the convention hotel, I was running back and forth doing things prepping  for the party. So I was never in costume. I did, however, try to be somewhat in cognito by bringing a nerdy shirt for the day  I knew I'd be around  the con more. When waiting for an elevator whilst wearing this  shirt, a very tall, bulky dude that looked like David Bowie in Labrynth, except with  green skin, said to me, "Can I have your autograph?" I chuckled and said  it'd be pretty useless. He stepped closer and said, "Well how about you come up to my room?"

"Ah, no, I'm not that kind of person," I said, backing away toward the larger, open space of the lobby. I stopped parallel with a group of three guys that weren't in costume, but rather really outlandish  hats. They apparently had been watching and listening to the whole thing, because they were sniggering and looking at me. 

"You sure?" Bowie said, taking a step in my direction. 

I shook my head, but my body froze. Bowie glared at me for a moment, then said, "Psh, cunt," as he started to turn  around. The  hat guys started laughing as I bolted.

I found a staircase and took that upstairs.

Then about an hour later, as I was getting ice for the party, a dude in a Mad Hatter (ala Johnny Depp) costume said as I was passing him, "Hey, baby, where you goin' in such a hurry?" tipping his hat up a little as he overexaggeratedly looked me  up and down.

In my shock, I blurted, "Party!" as I started to walk much, much faster, which meant I had to go past him. 

From behind me, I heard him say, "The party's right here!" 

So to clarify, I was propositioned inappropriately not once, but twice, while 1) having absolutely no "provocative" clothing on, and 2) while still being the same shape I've been for ages, i.e. overweight. Yeah, big boobs, but in a shirt like that, plus with the sweater-wrap thing I had on over it, I prolly looked more like a black-and-grey blob than anything else.

Yeah, anecdotal evidence isn't always generalizable, but given the plethora of pieces about harassment at conventions and shady stuff that gets reported then ignored by the people that should care, it's hard to deny there's a problem. And it's obvious there needs to be better security and measures for people to report violations of their privacy or person.

But the misconception that it only happens to hot chicks in skimpy outfits is I think one of the biggest problems. This article from Kotaku has a good cluster of variant incidents, but some "highlights," if you will:

• A security guard getting up in the grill of a journalist.
• A game developer kissed a PR gal's head in a bar, and another kissed her neck.
• Another PR gal was accused of not doing her presumed job of taking a picture with a dude that thought she was a "booth babe."
• Another journalist had a man take a zoom-in shot of her breasts.
• One dude confessed to another that his usual strategem of making women to feel down on themselves in order to bed them wasn't working.

One thing all the women in this piece have in common is they either presumably or explicitly weren't even in costume. And you'll notice (if you read the piece) the rather entitled reactions of some of the men- that they have every right to pick up on these women and get in their space, and it's the women violating some social norm by not fucking them or not being pleased with their behavior. 

You know what that is? Rape culture.

I've had countless instances where I was harassed on the street or in a mall or something. I've been followed into stores, I've been cornered in buildings. I've had men call me a "cunt" and a "bitch" for telling them something as innocuous as, "No thank you," (in a very timid voice, I may add). And all this while being overweight, not a "hottie" at all. 

And I've had people that find out ask  me if I was wearing a short skirt or low-cut top. I've had people ask if I fought back when I was raped (and some even say I "must not have been trying hard enough" when I say that yes, in fact, I did). As if I somehow was at fault, or at least partially to blame. I can't win- just by being a woman, I'm both a cunt for resisting, but to blame for not resisting enough. My only purpose is to please men, and anything that goes "wrong" with them is my own doing. 

This  is what conventions are like, only at conventions, it's concentrated and hyperactive. I think maybe  it has to do with the pseudo-anonymity of being there- it's not in the "real world," so inherent assholery and douchebaggery are magnified and less restrained. I think this is intertwined with the sexism in geek culture that gets so adamantly defended by men, too, of course. I've discussed some of this already; and my next "Girl Nerdery" post will most definitely tackle this from the pro-feminist perspective ala Anita Sarkeesian and the backlash anyone expressing dissatisfaction gets.

But men at conventions are, after all, men from the real world, so the contradictory/paradoxical assumptions about women irl translate to cons pretty smoothly. And I think the tight spaces and brief timeframe make the behavior in itself more extreme. If the idea of geek-culture is a boys' network, conventions are the closest to the tangible manifestation of that- so it follows for women at conventions to be mistreated and viewed as subordinate at best, as entirely lacking autonomy or individuality or even humanity at worst. 

There's this entirely false assumption by men at cons that women there are only present to provide entertainment and sexual gratification for them, the men. If women aren't buying into cheesy pickup lines, the reaction is, "Psh, women." If they don't want their picture taken, they're a "bitch." There's no second thought to asking them entirely inappropriate questions like their bra cup size, their sexual fantasies, if they'd go to the man's hotel room- it's deemed "harmless" by these men. 

Women in costumes are called names, judged negatively for being dressed as such, but they're also called similar things for not taking lewd remarks as complimentary. If they voice a complaint, they "shouldn't have been dressed like that, anyway."* And like  with the "fake geek girl" bullshit, they're assumed to now know anything about what they're there for.
Wearing a costume does not equate free gropes or open legs, let alone does the mere state of being female at a convention. Gay or transgendered doesn't mean a person's internal thought process is, "Please, please, make a comment about your semen winding up on my face!" Having ovaries doesn't entitle anyone else to the right to copping a feel. 

And yeah, I think a few reasons people should find this (more) disturbing (than they do) is the overall lack of response from convention personnel, the visceral reactions against anyone speaking out (the comments section on that Kotaku piece, for example, turned into a blob about how the dude that took the camera from the guy that took the boob-picture was the asshole last time I looked, for example- even men  trying to do something about it are attacked), and the way women are basically expected to expect that kind of treatment. Men aren't held accountable, women  are lashed out against, and we're supposed to remain silent. This last is the most disempowering: We're expected to literally take  it lying down in some instances, and it's a big shocker if we don't.

That's rape culture.

And I think one thing that's rather sad about it is the environments within conventions are entirely constructed and created by people, and those people do nothing, or not enough, to create a space free from harassment or violation; and people choose to go to these things without stopping to consider that maybe, just maybe their impulse is inappropriate and invasive. And  why should these guys tone it down? They don't face repercussions! 

Women at conventions aren't there for men to oggle. They're there because they're fans, too. And their legitimacy is questioned- it's a disgusting  double-standard that is entirely constructed at each convention. Wil Wheaton,  bless is nerdy heart, has this great quote from The New Statesman on his Tumblr:

"A man can wear a bow tie and a fez and he's in costume. A woman can spend hundreds of pounds or weeks of her time on an exact replica of an outfit a minor character wore onscreen for five minutes, whilst reciting  the Prime Directive in Klingon, and she's an attention-seeking slut."

I'd go further  and say that, should she decide the comments she's getting are inappropriate and  have the gall to say as such,  she'd be called even worse things. 

Now I've been to two conventions besides the one I talked about above. I was with a large enough array of people each time, and with enough men, that I don't think much, if anything, negative really happened to me- it would have stuck  with me. So make no mistake, I'm not saying every woman that goes to a convention is going to get slut-shamed, made fun of, propositioned, and attacked. But what I am saying is that it happens a lot, and when it does, it's a reflection of the values of society writ-large and geek culture specifically.

And that is rape culture. 



*Nevermind that the most popular female characters are also usually pretty gorram skimpily-clad, but that's a topic big enough for its own post.

It's Not *for* You, You Don' t Need One, Stop Complaining

I work in a clothing store for full-figured women. But, well, let me be blunt for y'all, in case you think I mean something like  this.

I work in a store for fat chicks.

The gentler ways to say it sometimes get people confused...? Why? I mean, duh. I'm not into saying "plus sized" when describing my store, though, because I get really pissed that an average woman is between a size 12 and 16 (and yeah, you could just say 14, but standardizing of sizes is so nonexistant that you really do need to provide a range), but sizes 14 and up are called "plus" and sequestered off to some tiny corner with selections that are extremely shitty, more expensive, and miniscule in variety in comparison to the rest of the ladies section. And my store? It starts at 14. We get a lot of women that aren't remotely "fat" in the pejorative sense, that need larger sizes because curves, not because they're gorging on cheeseburgers every meal. Never mind that some women (myself included) have medial conditions (sometimes more than one- again, me) that prevent them from getting what these judgy people would consider okay. Myself and tons of other ladies may exercize and diet like mad, and still be "fat." The smallest I've ever been since I was a kid was a 12/14, during a period of time (just before grad school) where I went to the gym for almost two hours six days a week and ate about 1000 calories a day, and my doctor told me to chill the fuck out before I moved out here because if I lost any more weight, given all the other stuff I have going on, I'd prolly end up in the hospital. Being that size was nearly unhealthy for me, but I was still getting "what are you doing  here?" eyes from women at the store when I was hovering around the XLs or looking at the back of a rack of something for the largest size there.

Fucking fat shaming.

Anyway, so we get a lot of mother-daughter duos in the store. Sometimes they'd  both be customers, sometimes one is just along  for the ride as the other looks for things that  would, you know, fit her for a change. Usually the thinner ladies are quite  kind and supportive of the heavier ones, but I do every now and then see the  latter get passive-aggressively poked at by the former. Things I've heard from the thinner gals:

"Are you done yet?  There's  nothing in here for me."

"Are you seriously  going to look at every single shirt? Just grab something, I want to look for [insert specific outfit/clothing article] for me now!"

"Wow, that's huge, it's a good thing you aren't that big yet!"

My reaction when I overhear it is often akin to this:

I've also been personally fat-shamed by some of the less curvy women as they waited for their companions to pay, try things on, etc. 

"So... you shop here to?" (or similarly, "Oh, I see you shop here, too. You must get great benefits.")

"I'm only  in here for my mom, all of the stuff in here is so ugly and frumpy." [as I'm wearing the style of shirt I'm also holding or standing  next to]

"Don't you think it's kind of silly they  even have this place at all?"

After a few seconds of this...

...I give some excuse to walk away, and do so quite promptly.

I had a real doozy last night, though. This time, the daughter was the thinner one (not always the case, by the way), and the mom was there for jeans. We keep ours against one of the walls, folded, and above them are some mannequins, as well as a few shirts and our current  selection includes some casual velvetten blazers with a really cute pinstripe lining  (grey and maroon on the outside, and if you fold the cuffs to show that lining, oh my gosh- adorable, really). So I was helping the mom decide what cut in the jeans to get and explaining that while we don't sell her length in the store, we have this great service where she can order it and have it sent to her house with free shipping, then return it to the store if it didn't work out. Mom was a little uppity that we don't sell Tall lengths, but I've had worse, trust me. Once she had a stack of jeans to try*, I offered to get her a fitting room. Her daughter, also tall, kind of aggressively positioned herself in my way to block me and said, "What's the smallest that comes in?" pointing at the blazers hanging high enough for her to reach  and look for herself (but not me- I'm 5'1", remember...). She went on, "I only see sixteens, and I really like that, can you get me a smaller size?"

I reached up, on my tiptoes to look and see if anything else was hanging there, as I started explaining, "Well, the smallest size we or any other Lane  Bryant is going to carry is going to be  a fourteen, and I was just in the back room, so I know for a fact that any blazers like this we have in this store are all out here right now. And it looks like the smallest left is a sixteen."

Let me just add, this gal was prolly about the same age as me, so nearly thirty. 

When I stood normally and turned to her, she was glaring, her nostrils flared a little. "Well that's not fair," she said sharply, then she turned on her heel and started stomping- literally, stomping, with her fists clenched at her sides- toward the fitting rooms.

I actually, and yes, to my shame, snortled a little.

You want to know what's not fair? The way heavy people are pre-judged as lazy, irresponsible, and a drag on society. The way we're forced to go out of our way  and then pay more for the same stuff, or for sub-par stuff, because society isn't universally designed, but rather structured to accommodate people not like us. It's unfair that I either can't buy stuff when out with friends, or have to go off by myself in order to do so, or that they have to wait for me to finish before looking for themselves again. It's unfair that someone saw the need to create a separate chain of stores like the one I work  at, amidst the countless other stores in existence, in the first place.

And now here's the kicker. I'm sure it's pretty easy  for you to understand why she's entirely clueless. Fuck, there are stores that deliberately do not sell clothes for women above a size 10/11. You've seen the signs that say "Women's Section" or "Plus Sizes" in stores. Maybe you even have a heavy friend that always has to walk away to look for clothes for herself, or that never buys anything when she goes clothing shopping with you, even offers to carry some of your bajillion bags for you because she's been unable to find anything (true story). And  hopefully, you at least understand why, and maybe it even gives you a twinge of moral outrage on behalf of your friend or any other woman like  her in that situation.

Well, let me blow your mind a little now, okay?

Just as how that gal complaining that it "wasn't fair" that my store doesn't carry sizes not considered "plus" was missing the point/misunderstanding the situation, the same  thing goes for men that demand a "Men's Center" in the face of a "Women's Center" on college campuses, or white people demanding a "White Cultural Center" in response to a Black/Native American/Hispanic/ etc. one. 

Just as how women like me get sequestered into our own sections in the stores we didn't design, and how non-heavy people often automatically draw negative conclusions about our characters because of our size, women and minorities in the larger societal context get marginalized and sequestered into places of lesser value, too. Women and people of color hold fewer executive positions, are lumped into lower-paying jobs in general, and are subject to every kind of violence- structural, physical, emotional- because of the fact that they are women and persons of color in the first place. 

Oh, Sir, you want a "Male Resource Center," eh? Go to the "Student Resource Center." Or the "Library." The strategies they'll teach you are catered to a male-dominant society and would be great for you, Sir, but oftentimes wouldn't help a woman. Women are taught how to deal with a society, field, etc. that is going to assume they're underskilled, their body isn't theirs, they don't belong there, etc. 

Oh, White Person, you want a "White Cultural Center," do you? Try the whole fucking campus. Or better yet, the whole fucking country. Your culture is the status quo, the norm, is so engrained in your everyday doings that you don't even see it there. Any resources a minority gets at their center are going to help them navigate through your culture, sometimes cope with how it devalues them as a person, simply because they're a minority.

I've also seen men get mad about places like Curves, and say that if the NAACP exists, there should be a NAAWP, too, so it's not like this only happens at college. Which makes sense- it's not like these issues fade away once college life is over. It's just easier to see on a college campus  because the power and room for grassroots organization is so much greater there than in society writ large; but that also means college kids are going to be uber reactionary and do shit like this or say stuff like the "Christina" in the comments  here without giving it a second thought. 

Now of course, there are caveats. Just as how some of my tall friends/ the tall ladies in my store from earlier, or reeeally short friends, sometimes have to look harder for clothes than my average height, thin friends, I realize there are axis of oppression that can make things hard for men and/or white people. Class, religion, sexual preference, gender, etc. But let's face it, intersectionality is a really complex issue, and to try and put it simplistically: Those tall/REALLY short friends of mine still have an easier time finding stuff in regular stores than I do. Period. Same difference with women/minorities in the broader societal context.

And, side note, "centers" for poor people, LGBTQ persons, atheists, etc., also exist. And they get the same reactions against them from rich people, straight people, religious people, etc. So what I'm saying here can really apply to any axis of oppression. I've just been focusing on sex and race because those are the most common ones with their own spaces.

"Centers" for  women and minorities (etc.) developed out of the fact that society is built in a way favoring men and white people (etc.). And no, I don't think  it's sexist or racist per se to think it's unfair for them to be created without a male/white equivalent, and a person demanding as such isn't inherently a bad person. I do think it means a person holding that viewpoint is missing the bigger picture. Be it willfully or genuinely, I don't know. But if they fail to see it's not about women/minority privilege, but rather the privilege of their (as in male/white) perspective, and that they aren't wronged by that center's/organization's existence, then they probably could use more education and better explanations. Hopefully, they'd be open-minded enough, receptive enough to understand how there's no need for a "Men's Center" or a "White Center." And hopefully they'd realize the centers they don't want around popped up because people saw a need for them- and that this need is itself kind of sad and something we should try to rectify. Hopefully they'd realize that by being male, being white, they are part of the hegemonic group(s), even if not in those exact terms.

And here is where I get into another complication. "Centers" often become places of exclusion. As in, sort of a, "Go be a woman/Black person/etc. there and get off my lawn," kind of thing from perrsons in the majority (men, white people). That is not okay, either. I think places like a Black Cultural Center are the most successful when they try to educate non-Blacks and promote inclusion in society. My store is great on body acceptance and showing that every woman is beautiful, no matter what her size; we may not sell stuff for thinner women, but we do promote solidarity among women in general in the face of a culture telling us we should be pretty in order to impress men- it's about women liking themselves for themselves, but yes, it is designed to help a particular type of woman that is told by  society even more than average that she's ugly. The various cultural centers on my campus seem to do alright- how well they do is directly correlated with their resources, though. Naturally, then, the center on our campus for Native Americans is the most isolated- they can barely afford to operate, so doing bigger campus out-reach is pretty difficult for them. But every now and then, they bring a speaker, show a movie, etc. They're trying their hardest, and that's what counts.

I don't want there to be a store like mine. Not because I want to run around naked, but because I want to be able to shop with my friends, stand right next to them and look at the same stuff. I don't want there to be a Black Cultural Center on my campus. Not because I don't care about Back people or POC in general, but because I wish they had the same opportunities and resources that white people do.

*Sidenore: She was also an example of the customer that asks for advice, takes something different from what's recommended first that ends up not working, then begrudgingly tries the recommendation and goes with that. For fuck's sake, you'd save a lot  of time  and me a lot of refolding and rehanging if you just went with what I tell you, ladies, UGH!

"That's just Soandso,"- Assholes Getting Away With Their Assholery

You know what I hate? When people excuse rude, offensive, or hurtful behavior on the part of someone else because, "That's just their personality." There's a difference between something like Asperger's and just being a jerk. 

I say this because I keep seeing a lot of misogyny and racism in my Facebook and Twitter, and when it's from people I know personally, they've pretty much always had someone come to their defense for the way they act if I've brought it up in person to mutual friends (usually by saying they make me uncomfortable, not really in a "WHAT AN ASSHOLE!" way). 

"That's just how Soandso operates. You get used to it."

Fuck that noise.

No, I don't "get used to it," and you know what? I'm not sorry.

When it's "normal" for a person to make objectifying comments about women every chance they get, they're perpetuating discourses of subordination and hierarchical normative structures of power that devalue women and place men at the top- literally and figuratively.

When it's "normal" for a person to make cracks about minorities or religion as often as possible, they're perpetuating the normalization of bigotry and hatred we experience every day, not to mention echoing colonial and neo-colonial discourses asserting the supermecy of whites and western culture.

I refuse to "get used to it" because by not calling someone out on their shit, it perpetuates the status quo. And I've ranted about the status quo before. And about how harmful discourses get/are normalized all the time. 

I don't usually get it on my own posts, but I hate the way I sometimes see myself and others patronized or condescended to when pointing out the isms when we post something  of concern to us. Often stuff like, "You think being mad about this one thing is going to change the world?" or, "Yeah, and getting angry on Facebook is really going to make a difference." 

This usually comes from assholes that post women in bikinis and think stuff like this is funny in earnest, and then refuse to concede the possibility it may be supporting a harmful discourse- or don't even acknowledge  it and Schopenhauer the shit out of anyone calling them out. Or they think this picture that was in my feed the other night  is funny and refuse to listen when how sexist it is gets pointed out:

I said it's sexist (well, "So fucking sexist," actually), and the person  that posted it said it's not and I totally didn't want to get into why with them, but it actually led to a quite fruitful dialogue between the two of us- I felt pretty damn happy about the end result (of course, this is operating off the assumption he actually meant it when he seemed to be taking what I said to heart). So here's what I told him (after I accidentally got too jargony for him... sigh.. and I try so hard to avoid that shit):

"It's sexist because all they're doing is comparing her looks to Chris Farley's. Chris Farley was an actor (who yeah, I thought was friggin' hilarious, I must watch Tommy Boy at least twice a year) whose gimmicks mostly revolved around him being overweight and unattractive. Instead of discussing her conduct as a judge, they're making fun of how she looks... So they're treating her like an object by only discussing her looks, as if she's a thing to look at, rather than a whole person. It doesn't matter if she really IS a shitty judge, what matters is they aren't even saying that. Just insinuating she's ugly."

Judging (HAH) from his  reaction, the fact that he seemed genuinely remorseful and surprised, while previously had  thought it was funny, I do think  he got it. So score one for the home team, eh?

But usually it doesn't go that well. I often end up just backing down if I start getting into it, either by telling them I'm done or letting them change the subject. It's the dudes (and yes, I'm saying "dudes" categorically because I've never really had any women do this shit) that this happens with that really irk me. I've had a few close encounters with a few women, but they're often about semantics or tangents, as opposed to entirely disagreeing (like, "The title is misleading" or, "This group is also doing X that's messed up, too, let's talk about that one, while we're at it!")

I say again, it's not cool. Being sexist, classist, ableist, any-ist "just to be funny" isn't NOT the "ist" it's emulating. It very much IS that ist. One person making a racist joke isn't one person being satirical, it's one person being racist- and just because it's one person, that doesn't make it okay, either, because add up all of the one persons, and you get shit like this and this and this and this being deemed acceptable enough to be said, made, and distributed for me to find the link in the first place- and, no doubt, you'd also get the hoards of internet  assholes defending  its creation.

And if that's your sense of humor, it's not something anyone should "get used to."

Yes, I believe in free speech, which is why I'm saying this now. I'm not saying we should preemptively sensor these people, but by golly, tell them they're assholes when you see or hear them, and maybe they'll feel shamed enough to think twice. And I fundamentally believe that if enough ridicule and shame is put  on people doing this sort of thing, the beliefs causing that sort of behavior to manifest will trickle away and, in time, things like racism, ableism, sexism- they can genuinely become a thing of the past. Not in my lifetime, but  maybe  someday. I try to think that as much as I can, at least, because it gives me hope, and cause to keep at it.

There are some social norms that can be harmful, like the isms, like the hierarchies leading to subordination. But some are good, like those dictating people should be respectful of one another, that they should consider the ramifications of their words and actions. And what I wish would become a norm for other people, not just the hippie-dippie-bleeding-hearts like myself, is thinking about the power structures embedded in what we say, what we think  is funny, and  how we defend ourselves if called on our shit, and self-correcting as much as possible before opening our fat mouths.

Yes, I'm pointing the finger at myself. I know I've made racist, sexist, classist, ableist, any other "ist" you can  think of statements before, and I know I'll do them again in the future. No one is perfect, and I by no means want to seem as if I think I am. But I do my best to stop myself if I catch myself about to act in a way that upholds any status quo that subordinates anyone else.

So that's why there are people I flat-out don't associate with. Why there are people I deliberately avoid having over to my apartment. Why I sometimes skip out on social activities after seeing the guest list. Because whenever I call these people out on being racist, being sexist, being ableist, they get defended by others. And while sure, it's kind of disappointing to hear people whose judgment I value apologize for that sort of behavior, I understand  why they do it, and I don't fault them for it. Especially since they're usually the first to agree with me when I bring up some discourse of oppression in another context- whereas the people they defend  usually tell me I'm full of shit. The latter know what they're doing, and if they apologize at all (which they very rarely ever do), they don't mean it- and go on and repeat the behavior at the next moment possible. And that's why I can't stand to be around them. And that's why I try not to let them get away with their assholery. 

The "Settling" Problem (With a final note on power structures)

So my poor self esteem has led to me having multiple consciousnesses at once. One of them recognizes how awesome I am and that I shouldn't conform to make people like me, that they should like me for who I am, etc. That my body shouldn't matter in making friends or finding a romantic partner, because what's on the inside is probably a bajillion times better than the nearest "hottie." But there's enough doubt in other versions of me that thinks I often  "settle" when it comes to friends (as in I associate with people that treat me like shit far more often than I should put up with), and is afraid I'll end up "settling" for the first asshole that says he loves me. I know I do the former, and I haven't had the opportunity (if you can call it that) to test the latter- fingers crossed, it won't actually need to be tested, right?

Settling in relationships, of course, leads to dissatisfaction in them. I put up with people treating me like shit because I still have that kind of unhealthy desire to be liked- but then when they take advantage of me, take me for granted, knowingly say or do things that'll hurt me, I internalize the accompanying feelings of ickiness and often don't say anything.

There's that saying, "I don't get mad, I get even." Mine is, "I don't get mad, I get hurt."

So I imagine if I did end up in a serious romantic relationship with a total  Grade A, FDA Certified Douchebag, I'd probably take his crap and be miserable. Because who else would love me? I'd be lucky to find that guy, and I should thank him for stooping so low.

Yeah, I know, I'm fucked up.

But again, there's a part of me that knows I shouldn't do that, and I'll do my best to let that part have the last say in the matter, should it ever be necessary.

But there are situations where I'm forced to settle by societal structures and practices. And it pisses me off a lot. 

People, I'm talking about clothing shopping, here.

And let me say now, I recognize most people hate clothing shopping because it's hard for them to find stuff. I'm not trying to marginalize the perspectives of anyone else- I'm just highlighting  my own  experiences here to elucidate some overarching structural inequalities that are inherent in the system of the clothing manufacturing world. 

So okay, disclaimer done.

I know there are a lot of factors in my physique intersecting together leading to this whole "clothing" business being so gorram complicated and resulting in sub-par outcomes. 

1) I'm short. 5"1.5', to be exact. This isn't to say there aren't adorable clothes in the petite sections of most places, but...

2) I'm overweight. I've been so since I was like seven, so yeah. What a lot of people I know currently don't realize is I weighed over 230lbs when I graduated from college. I lost nearly  eighty of that before grad school. Yay! Right? Well, I blame grad school for how I look now (partially- yeah yeah, self responsibility, yadda yadda, I'll get to that soon), because I lost five sizes over those two years between degrees, and I've gained back three since grad school. Sigh.

3) My boobs. I'm not trying to sound, like, pervy or, "BOYS LOOK AT ME!" or anything- it's an objective fact, they're large, and I invest money in good, um, hardware to keep them in control and in the proper area of the ribcage to minimize back pain and such. I still do have back pain, but the one consistent thing I can say about my doctor visits is when they talk to me about that kind of pain, they tell me to keep doing what I'm doing. So I'll keep using the same underwires until I'm told otherwise, thank you very much. I call them The Girls. 

4) I have like no butt or thighs. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but since most of my excess weight is in my upper body, it leads to some pretty ridiculous chicken-leg-esque stuff. 

Assuming things are the right length, I have these problems:

Shirts- Either too tight around The Girls (sometimes ridiculously so), or a huge, billowy, pillowcase-ee thing around the rest of me if The Girls are comfortable (and in shirts that aren't supposed to be billowy, I'll add). And there are also the shirts I can't even get around The Girls, too. Even when I can tell they'd prolly go around the rest of my torso alright.

Pants- If they fit around the waist, they're baggy in the crotch/thigh. Like, to the point sometimes where they resemble MC Hammer pants. Or pants that are good around the thigh and rear are too tight around the waist, and/or often do that disgusting cameltoe thing in the front. 

Skirts- Hug or hang from my rolls in ways that are just not cool. 

But often, there are problems in length. Clothes seem to be made in such a way that as width/size increases, so too does length. So sure, the pants may fit my waist and thighs fine, but they're also a foot too long. Or capris look more like highwaters. Or knee-lengths look like capris. Etc. Shirts? They sometimes look more like dresses (but not in a way I can pass off as if it was meant to be that way). Just way  too long. And this can go for the sleeves,too. Skirts are a major Hellstorm to navigate- skirts meant to fall mid-calf go to my ankles, etc.

Now, while I know I'm also sort of conforming  to the hegemonic societal determinants of attractive and such by wanting to minimize how visible my flab is and such, I still find it ridiculous how hard that compliance is.

Just because I'm fat, doesn't mean I'm eight  feet tall.

But because of all of these weird things, I end up settling for things in a lot of ways. 

-I'm pretty much resolved to the fact that I'll not be able to fully close a button-up shirt and will have to leave some open and have a cami or tank underneath. Whenever I do find a button-up that somehow, miraculously, closes, I freak out and buy it, and I don't care how much it costs. I once spent $45 on a shirt because of that. Which is utterly ridiculous. 

-I often get skirts that are too long and just wear the waistband up really high on my torso in order for them to be the proper length. This tends to result in part of a cute pattern being lost under my shirt. And also in me wearing kind of wonky shirts to cover the fabric of the skirt that's practically reaching my bra.

-I get the cameltoe pants and wear really long shirts that I'd rather not have to wear (much like with the skirts).

-I roll up the bottoms of capris so they're actually capris.

-I'll buy the capris and wear them like regular jeans or leggings. This usually results in a lot of tugging downward, and sometimes massive rolling up by the end of the day to get them at the length/spot they're supposed to be in the first place.

-I get shirts that really are too loose around the rest of me because they don't squeeze The Girls as if they were about to fall off.

-I'll get pants that are both too billowy in the thigh and too long, resulting in more really long shirts as well as really worn, tattered, dirty pant cuffs. I'd sometimes trip over the pieces of denim trailing around under me when I was in high school.

-I usually don't bother trying on dresses- I do better with blouse-skirt combos, but again, I often have to compromise with those, somehow. 

-Blazers and jackets either don't button/zip the whole way because of The Girls, or if they do, the sleeves are ridiculously too long, as is the actual length of the coat. So I get kind of loose jackets, and blazers I just don't bother trying to close- at all. 

-More solid colors than I'd prefer because patterns tend to put huge blotches right over one of The Girls (in a way that is just bloody distracting), or stripes following all the wrong places,  or they're just plain hideous. 

Sure, I go to plus sections of stores, but This Tumblr Says It All. I mean, seriously, plus size manufacturers assume a bunch of crap about fat women, seem to think we're all...

... at least six feet tall. Apparently I'm doing something wrong, here, because I didn't get taller when I gained that weight back. But seriously, all the "average" length pants in plus I've ever tried on were even more ridiculously long than regular sized. And so many times, shirts hang down way too long and just look plain ridiculous.

... desperate to look like couches, curtains, or other upholstered items around the house. I don't  get it, but like WTF Plus is great at pointing out, it's as if manufacturers are trying  to "help" by providing outlandish or scenic patterns, like those are supposed to, what, distract from the fat?

... into wearing burlap sacks, or things shaped like them. Seriously, I am so fucking sick of the Goddamned mumus and wraps and shirts that are shaped like  squares. Honesly, if we're "supposed" to be  hiding our bulk, wouldn't billowing like a fucking sail as we walk past sort of defeat the purpose? Ugh. 

... rolling in dough and have millions of dollars to burn on said clothing. The "specialty" shops for heavy ladies always  cost way  too much- like fifty dollars for a pair of jeans. And come on, seriously, that's fucking stupid. I know there's no point in going into some of the plus sections in some pretty nice stores, too, because a plain black T-shirt is going to cost me twenty dollars (while the same shirt in Misses is fifteen), and the sales rack is filled with the stuff of nightmares. And those sales racks look that way because anything worth leaving the house in has been purchased already. (Yeah, I know this happens everywhere, but it's exacerbated in specialty sizes because the selection already consists of fewer items.) And the sales racks at specialty plus stores do that, too- they're hideous. 

And this isn't just an in-store trend. I'm signed up for a few flash  sale/ here until it's gone-type stores, and the plus  clothing  always has some pretty aesthetically offensive pieces. Here's some I got from the email for one I'm signed up just this morning:

This pattern looks like an accessory stand  vomited onto
a dalmation. And  the cut is  like a sheet. 

The way that top poofs is weird enough,
but being above that pattern,
it just looks like a mistake.

Let's go out of our way to accent
EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM AREA
on a woman's body!

While I love the color, again, it looks  like
something was draped. Reminds me of this:

So I guess I'd feel like a princess
wearing it, eh?

So it's either get stuff that's cut in such a way, it's probably not as flattering as I'd like, or get the stuff that's basically cut well enough, but with patterns that could give a person an aneurysm if they stared long enough. In other words, settling.

This isn't to say my entire wardrobe fits incorrectly or looks like an accident  involving a paint truck  and a wild animal- I have enough stuff to get by, at least. It would just be great if I could pay the same price as non-plus-sized women and get clothes that fit me.

And premiums because of fabric amounts or whatever my ass. Sometimes it's blatantly obvious there's a fat tax on clothes, at least some of it.

And same with short or petites. If anything, you'd think those would cost less- but no, it costs more. As if there has to be some specialized machine that makes smaller versions of stuff...? Sure, petite sizes aren't standard, but the thing is

THERE IS NO FUCKING STANDARD SIZE OF ANYTHING.

Even within the same fucking store or brand label. A Medium in shirt 1 is twice as large as the Large in shirt 2, but it's pretty fucking obvious that 1 isn't supposed to be billowy and 2 isn't supposed to be skin tight. Size A waistband in one pant is way too big, when it's obviously too small in another, but Size B in yet another pant is too small, so you go all the way up to D and are like, um, excuse me? Seriously, whenever I shop, I look at a whole range of three different sizes in shirts, just to be safe, and I've found myself doing the same in the end with things like jeans or slacks (because I'll take one in the fitting room, it doesn't fit, so I try another, and that doesn't fit, etc.). 

So the arguments for either, a premium on plus or petite clothing, to me, seems bogus. What the fuck are they comparing it to? Can't even be their own  factories, because shit coming from the same factory seems to be randomly assigned size and shape. 

And  while I'm discussing  petite, I think some assumptions  about petite fashion are made, too. All women under 5'6"...

... are old ladies. While sure, there's some decent professional stuff, when I bother to look in petites, way too much of the "casual" stuff looks like the things my grandmother on my dad' side would wear- she's nearly eighty, I believe, and wears a wig every day- yes,  she's one of those little old retire-ees*. We're talking t-shirts with  embroidered flowers and glitter and studs all over the place. I like to think  my grandma on my mom's side would wear better stuff than that, but she passed away a long time ago, so the only outfits I remember her wearing were pretty generic jeans and shirts. But what is it with the audaciously  colored capris with shit embroidered on them, too? And the huge, gaudy applique? Shit like this is ubiquitous:

But it MATCHES!

... are either doctors themselves, or married to one. Again, like with plus, petites cost a fortune, and for no apparent reason other than it's an excuse to charge more, tacking that "petite" label on the clothing. See above rants about standard sizing and the cost of plus clothing and what's left on the sales racks. It's the same thing with petite sections and  stores- too expensive, with  sales racks that make me want to laugh hysterically or vomit (the latter, I sometimes wonder,  may look prettier) because anything actually wearable has been snatched up already.

... are skinny. Not only have I never seen a plus petite, but I know from talking to friends and personal experience that yes, lengths are shrunk in petites, but also circumferences. So a regular medium is more like a small in petites for what goes around the torso. So it's like the reverse of plus clothes getting longer/taller. Petites are expected to be skinnier. 

So I'm going to pull an  Obi Wan and make a generalization to criticize the generalizations being made. 

I think the problems with sizing  and cuts stem from vast misunderstandings of the human body and how it develops on the part of mass-market designers and fancy runway people, too (because  let's not forget that pivotal scene in The  Devil Wears Prada about how bargain buys can be traced back to elite fashion peeps). I think there are misunderstandings and assumptions that bad ideas like harem/parachute pants that look good on the runway will then look good on regular  women, so they get translated into stuff like this and this when mass-produced.  But even those runway designers have to tailor their stuff to the individual models  with which they're working, so why  mass-market people can go after styles that really only work for very specific body types... well... they want money, of course. The thing is, every single body  develops and changes in its own way, due to age, stress, weight-gain and loss, pregnancy, hormone shifts, depression, medical conditions... Every single one. Now, some change in similar ways, but to assume that width and height always increase proportionally, as if the human body was a pixelated image in Microsoft Paint or  Adobe Photoshop- that's fucking ridiculous. To assume that every person of the same height is going to have the same build is willful ignorance. And charging extra money for products that'll be purchased by people that don't fit into those utterly preposterous boundaries is unethical.

But here's one caveat. Like I said in the beginning, my size/body  shouldn't matter. This post could very easily turn  into one about fat-shaming, something I detest almost as much  as ableism. But I'm not going to go there right now. But I'll push again something I alluded to already- it's terribly ironic that there's a hegemonic discourse that places a pejorative connotation on "fat," but so much of the clothes for "fat" people only make them look fatter. As if  to mark them out more than the bodies in which they inhabit by putting costume-like shit on them. I understand  and  agree with concerns about health, but saving the shitty fabric for fat people is cruel and  furthers the Otherization of bodies that aren't conforming  to the arbitrary standards of society. As long as a person's health isn't at risk, they shouldn't be criticized for their  weight. A lot of people simply can't get below a certain size without endangering themselves in another (I'm one of them- when I lost all that weight a few years ago, my doctor told me to stop because even though I was still a double-digit size, my build and other health conditions made getting much smaller risky, too).

And  THIS  relates to how power works in myriad other settings. The group in charge defines the terms of what's acceptable  and  points out every time a member  of another group is doing something  deemed unacceptable under said terms. Yet at the same time, the rules of the game often make compliance for out-groups nigh impossible. The standards are either so high that they're nigh impossible for outsiders, or those outsiders are confronted enough with deliberate barriers to meeting those standards that it just becomes a losing  game for them. And then,  when the  outgroup expresses dissatisfaction, the blame is placed on them.

So the counters to my upset would be stuff about how I should lose weight, and it's my fault for being poor, or some shit like  that.

Fuck you hegemon. Fuck you with a spiked pole in the ass.  I like who I am, and  I like  the things I like. And  if people don't like me  because I'm in clothes that look weird, they  should turn  their  attention to the fashion industry and blame them, not sneer at me because I have a few extra pounds.

Besides, nobody could have boobs  like mine and be a size 0 without having  medical problems.  So kiss my fat, Native American ass, Judgy McJudgerpants. 

*My favorite story to tell about her is our first conversation after she moved to Arizona. "How do you like it out there, Grandma? Handling the heat okay?" Her reply, in her southern Mississippi accent, "Gab, huh-ne, mah wig melted."