Song Challenge Day 10: A Song That Makes You Sad

Sorry, y'all, but since day 10 is "A song that makes you sad," today's entry in this song challenge is going to be kind of depressing. I'm going to go ahead now and say

Content Warning: Suicide

I'm going with this one; this is the official music video, but for the full version, go here. As a small aside, I never understood why Amos looks... turned on? during the video, given 1) the subject matter, and 2) how sad/emotional she sounds in the recording.

You can probably guess if you know me or have followed my blog for a while, but this song makes me think of my dad for myriad reasons. No, we didn't have ice and snow everywhere in Las Vegas when I was growing up (although yes, we did actually go to indoor ice skating rinks sometimes), and I never needed mittens. But a few things aside from it being about the relationship between a father and child, things from the general to the specific, make this song hit me hard.

-The general melancholic sound, and the regretful tone and implication from the lyrics as a whole, parallel my feelings about Dad. I regret never repairing the damage that had been done, bridging the gap that opened when he and my mom got divorced. It is a wound I will carry until I die, and I know there was nothing I could have done, not really- he made his own choices, and they led to his untimely death. But I'll always wonder, what would have happened if I had reached out? What if I had tried to help him in that last year or two? Etc. And this line of questioning will haunt me the rest of my life. Thinking of Dad can sometimes lead to a smile, but it still more often than not just makes me sad. So, too, does the song, then.

-The path the music follows parallels the trajectory of Dad's decline. It starts subtle, gets more and more profound, reaches a high point of drama and bombast, and then fades away. Dad's end started when I was a teenager, as his drinking gradually increased and his behavior became more and more erratic and toxic. At its worst, its peak, he ended his life in the most violent way possible, a gun to the head. And in the aftermath, he didn't even have a memorial service because the way in which he died was too traumatic for his mom or sister (the latter of which found him) to hold one. It's objectively sad (as objective as "sad" can be, anyway), and ultimately, the way the song ends reflects the way my dad's story ended- quietly, nigh imperceptibly. 

-The line in the chorus, "When you gonna love you as much as I do?" basically speaks for itself. I never stopped loving him, and I wish to God he had loved himself enough to not do what he did. Half. If he had loved himself half as much as I did, as I do, he very well may be here still. And I think that's one of the parts that makes it hurt the most. That he was in so much pain, had that much hate for himself and his life, that he felt the best course was to end it. The Dad that broke his toe to avoid stepping on and snapping my Barbie in half. The same Dad that kept me home from school to play video games with him. The same Dad that loved me so much he refinanced his house to help me pay for college. It breaks my heart over and over to think of it.

-"So many dreams on the shelf...You say I wanted you to be proud of me." Of course I wanted him to be proud. And as he started fading, it seemed harder and harder to do. There was one instance where I felt I let him down completely: During my sophomore year, I was accepted into an exchange program with American University in D.C. to study government and civics, and I was also offered an internship in then-Senator Harry Reid's D.C. office for the duration of the exchange. In the end, despite my dean of students personally talking to my college's financial aid as well as American University's, our family just couldn't afford it because AU was that much more expensive and that much more stingy with financial aid. So, I declined both offers. And I remember one evening, my first break home after the decision, where Dad, having been drinking, told me how disappointed he was that I didn't go, and how sorry he was that we couldn't find a way to afford it. He didn't blame me specifically, but I felt like by not agreeing to triple my loans in order to make it possible, I had disappointed him more than anyone else ever had. He said he wanted me to do great things, knew I could, if I "just tried." He was sure I would be super successful someday, and someday soon, and not going to D.C. made him question that assertion, out loud and in front of me, no less. And it always felt to me that that conversation was the tipping point where he started to disdain me, too. And I'll forever wonder what would have happened between us if I had worked it out somehow, had taken more loans to cover living expenses and food and had actually gone to D.C. (never mind the different path my career could have taken). I gave up on that dream, and it disappointed him. This is just one example, but overall, considering I'm still working retail and in school, I have no doubt he'd still be disappointed in me, at least a little. And that makes me feel gross about myself.

I could go on, but I'm so damn sick of being sad, I need to end this post now. But yeah, "Winter" is my go-to "I-wanna-be-sad" song. I miss my Dad. I regret how things ended. My mind and heart are awash with a million "what-if"s. I miss my Dad. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for so many things I could have done differently. I know I can't change them, but if I could, I would. 

Song Challenge Day 9: A Song That Makes You Happy

Back again. Day 9, "A song that makes you happy."

I'm going with a song I've honestly never heard on the radio, but that's been in a bunch of movies and shows, one you've probably heard yourself and have no idea who it's by or what it's called. 

To my shame, I've never bothered listening to anything else by Rusted Root who, apparently, were quite prolific before going on hiatus. 

So anyway, this song is super peppy and Cheery. It may not have much in terms of lyrical complexity, but it just brings sunshine into the room whenever it's playing. And it doesn't sound like it's trying too hard, which I think is why it doesn't annoy me. I mean, I can't listen to more than one ABBA song without wanting to puke, but this can play on a loop. It's relaxed, pleasant. 

There are a lot of sad songs out there, and a lot of reasons to be sad right now. This song is a great one to lift the spirits. 

Day 8: A Song About Drugs or Alcohol

Alrighty, day 8, "A song about drugs or alcohol."

I went back and forth over a lot of options, but I think I have to settle on this one, here:

"Roc Boys" is one of Jay-Z's songs inspired by the film American Gangster, on the album of the same name. (For unedited, click here.) I highly recommend both the film and the album it inspired. 

Given the premise of the film, and how Jay-Z was basically remaking the movie in his music, yeah, this song is about drugs- specifically the selling of them, and riding the success thereafter. 

And while no, I obviously don't condone drug rings, this song is ridiculously catchy, and I love it. I don't think I've made a mix CD since I bought the American Gangster album that doesn't include "Roc Boys" on it (and I make them every few months). 

Song Challenge Day 7: A Song to Drive to

For all five of you that are following this silly thing of mine, it's day 7 of the song challenge, and the prompt today is, "A Song to Drive to."

This is another fairly easy one. For your listening and driving pleasure: 

You're welcome.

Ok so this was the first song I heard by ZZ Ward and I fell in love with the blues-rock hybrid sound of it, and then I listened to the rest of her stuff (this was not too long after her first album dropped, so eight years ago, give or take a few months). Oof, does this woman know how to wail and NOT sound like a dying chicken! If this song interests you at all, I implore you to look her up on Spotify or Apple Music or Prime Music or whatever the Hell else it is you use to listen to music. She's mega-talented and deserves way more attention, and it's a shame she's still somewhat obscure. Her second album is also a gem, and her mixtape Eleven Roses with her own versions of songs by other artists like Kendrick Lamar is just... 

Anyway, so "Move Like You Stole It" is a damn fun song. It's sexy, it's tough, it's assertive, it's bold. It's catchy! And that hint of gravel in her voice could easily sound like a cold in less-skilled hands, but she utilizes it just enough to give her singing an extra bit of depth without sounding gimmicky or ill.

One thing that I appreciated about this song was it's a woman singing about sexual desire and the things she'd do to her partner- it's a lot harder to find women singing about sex than men. You get your "Red Light Special"s and "2 Become 1"s every now and again, but pretty much every genre has a sub-genre focused on tropes revolving around the exploitation, objectification, and/or dehumanization of women. So I adore the following, and will sing its praises until the day I die, because of the message it's sending:

I'm not saying women should thus be exploiting dudes left and right (although the dudes in Maddie and Tae's video are pretty fucking hilarious- but it's SATIRE, so it's not the same thing) (and I should note, Bo Burnham even hints at the treatment of women in stadium country music with his generic "A good girl" line in his satirical country song). But Women just rarely sing about sex, arousal, or desire.

So Ward's overt passes and statements are refreshing. She may be singing about driving, but she's really singing about something else. You go, girl. 

But for real, overall, this song is a toe-tapper for sure, and I legit have to be careful not to start speeding when it pops up on the mix CDs I keep in my car (because sometimes I do tire of channel surfing*). Listen to it, relish it.

And look up the rest of ZZ Ward's music. You will not be disappointed.

*Again, sorry Beaux.

Song Challenge 6: A Song That Makes You Want to Dance

I'm pretty excited for this one. Day 6 in the song challenge is "A song that makes you want to dance."

I didn't have to think much about this one. Even though I can't dance at all, I still know what I wish I could dance to, and right now, the main one is this:

I know the official video has that moment where it gets a little distorted, so if for some reason you've never heard this song before (WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN), here's The Weeknd's official audio version, completely intact.

I've thoroughly enjoyed all of The Weeknd's previous albums, and his latest, After Hours, absolutely does not disappoint. It came out right after I got stuck at home, and I listened to it on repeat for a week straight while my boyfriend was at work (he still has a job, huzzah!), and with headphones when he was home. I think it's his best work so far, and from what I've seen online, I guess actual, paid critics agree. 

Whenever this song comes on the radio (or I find it when channel surfing- I am a terrible channel surfer*), I crank it up and start bobbing around in the driver's seat the way Tesfaye does partway through the video. I can't help it. If I'm at a red light, I start slapping** my thigh to the beat; if I'm not, it's the wheel. 

The layers in this song are intoxicating. The synth hook is the kind of earworm I'm totally ok with having around. The simple but heavy beat begs for some sort of physical reaction (a tap, a nod, something). Tesfaye's voice is as smooth and sexy as ever. I don't even mind the "HEY!"-ing, something I often find a little annoying in songs- it somehow fits here, perhaps because of the excitement this song just kind of engenders. It all adds up to another song that, as the kids say, "slaps."

In other words, this is a fucking good song. And it not only makes me want to dance, it makes me wish I even could. 

One last thing: Honorable Mention goes to the remix of Mike Posner's "I Took a Pill in Ibiza." Both are great, in very different ways, and the remix just hits you in the face once the first chorus ends and it's like DAY-um. I'm just sad they cut the last verse from the remix, but still, it's one of the few club/dance remixes I even tolerate, let alone absolutely adore.

*I'm sorry, Beaux.

**Maybe that's where the "slap" thing came from when it comes to describing good songs?

Song Challenge Day 5: A Song That Needs to be Played Loud

It's time for day 5, "A song that needs to be played loud." 

I'll be honest, there are a lot of songs I crank the volume up for, but I think I need to go with this one: 

Yes, I know that's the cleaned-up version, so here's the original. 

Ok. So.

I know, I'm pretty white. I'm in no way saying I'm a "g" or anything like that. I know I am entirely removed from every single thing Fiddy is rapping about, here, and I have no intention of ever setting foot in a "club" for the rest of my life.

But.

Come on.

This song absolutely SLAPS, as the kids say, seventeen years after its release. Seriously, what dance/party playlist would be complete without this song, even nowadays? That's right, none. 

That hook, that beat. You know you love it.

Having never been to "da club" before, I still assert this is one of the best club songs ever.

Change my mind.

Keep tapping your toes and nodding your head.

Song Challenge Day 4: A Song That Reminds You of Someone You'd Rather Forget

Time for Day 4 of the Song Challenge, "A song that reminds you of someone you'd rather forget."

I'm going with this one:

If you've been following this blog for a while, or know me in person, you know who this song is about- I wrote about our breakup before.

Gomez sings about a man who started out wonderful, but whose narcissism took over her world, whose behavior trained her to put his needs before hers at all times. A man who had a somewhat carnal need to cause her pain, who would sabotage things she cared about simply because she cared about them. A man that kept holding her back and tearing her down.

And she sings about herself, a woman who tried. A woman whose idealism kept her hanging on, only causing her more pain. But who eventually lets go and realizes she's none of the things he made her think. That she's worth more.

Funny enough, the only part that's off is the, "In two months you replaced us," bit- in actuality, I found someone new in about two months, and he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

I left that ex out of self-preservation. But getting away from his toxicity has helped me gain a new perspective about myself, and started me on a journey with more self-love than I've ever felt for myself before. I still struggle with my self-image, but knowing I did my best but still made the best choice I could, helps me lean in a positive direction. 

Still, I don't really like thinking of him, if for no other reason than I've moved on and am in an astronomically better relationship, and dwelling on my abuser can lead to some pretty low lows. Thinking of him frequently takes me to dark places, so I try not to.  

Day 3: A Song That Reminds You of Summer

Time for Day 3, "A song that reminds you of summer."

Y'all are probably going to make fun of me, but this song makes me think of summer when I hear it:

While it gained a resurgence in popularity thanks to and is mostly associated with the film Shrek, the music video features clips from the criminally underrated/under-appreciated Mystery Men, in which it featured heavily, and is meant to imply the band is interacting with the film's stars. 

This song came out relatively close to when summer vacation starts for kids. At home, while my mom was running errands or taking my siblings to specialists, I'd put VH1 on in the background as I did chores, and this song must have played every gorram hour that summer following its release. It completely dominated my summer vacation. 

And the video itself, with its bright lighting and primary colors, invokes summer.

Honestly, I don't have a whole lot more to say about it. It's still a good song, despite what haters say, and the memes that center around it are just delightful (this is one of my favorites, being somewhat of a music snob)- and the band is cool with them, even!

Really, I think the people ragging on "All Star" just hate happiness.

Song Challenge Day 1: A Song with a Color in the Title

So because of this pandemic, I've been home for over a month at this point. I've been trying to find different ways to occupy myself so as to not go stir-crazy or get too depressed, so I thought I would take this song challenge thing a friend on Facebook is doing and expand on it a little each day here. 

I know I'm starting in the middle of the month, so I'll just do all 31. Not that anyone will really care all that much, but it will be something for me to do aside from watching TV (I'm currently in season 3 of Star Trek: Voyager) or playing video games (Bloodborne and the Resi 3 remake, a topic about which I hope to rant at some point soon, too, if I can just figure out how to say what I want).

So, day 1 is "A song with a color in the title." Here's my choice:

I think the meaning behind this song often gets lost in the upbeat tempo and catchy hooks- but when you listen to the lyrics, it's not just about missing someone or something you took for granted. It's about conservation and enviornmentalism. 

"Hey farmer, farmer/ Put away the DDT now/ Give me spots on my apples/ But leave me the birds and the bees/ Please."

You can be kind of snarky about it and say she's singing about sex, and I'm sure she deliberately chose that lyric in order to facilitate multiple meanings. But a different interpretation is she's telling a farmer to quit using pesticides on apples so it doesn't destroy the environment.

This song is fifty years old. And how are we doing?

Welp.

-We have ten years before the entire global ecosystem collapses, with losses of coasts and islands due to sea levels rising as a result of ice caps melting, all coral reefs dying, water scarcity, crop failures...

-Oh, those ice caps are likely to so depleted that there will be no ice during summer seasons within thirty years. 

-Most of the ecosystems in our oceans my collapse within this decade. 

-And we're totally not prepared for what could happen if we don't improve our policies and repair the damage, since we aren't doing enough to stave off catastrophe.

It's a damned shame.

Now I know anybody interested in reading what I have to say is already on board with this, but it's just infuriating because my generation and those after me are inheriting this almost literal trash fire from our parents and grandparents- and they're fine with it! They'll be dead, so they don't give a shit.

I know I could do better- I could probably use less water when doing dishes, taking showers,etc., but there's still the fact that one person's contribution is negligible when compared to the biggest polluting companies in the world- so much so that the top eight produce more pollution than that caused by every person in the U.S. combined. 

But the raw molecules are only part of the story. Between the narrative sold to us by consumerism and society, and the increasing neoliberalism rampant in our political structures (the emphasis on the individual), we're stuck in a system where we think we have choices, but we don't, and we think our choices will make a difference, but their impact will only be marginal at best (assuming everyone makes the right ones together).

But this is a lie.

In truth, these companies have known as early as five years before Joni Mitchell wrote "Big Yellow Taxi" that they would destroy the environment. And instead of changing course, turning themselves into renewable sources of energy, they doubled down and bought government leaders- Congresspeople, governors, mayors, presidents. They secure funding and tax breaks, they block policies that would go so far as to require them to (literally) clean up their act even just a fraction of a percent a year. They fund erroneous research via "thinktanks" they front, all the while putting forth a false pretense of being "clean" and "caring" about our environment and the world in which we live. Current marketing campaigns with sweeping shots of solar panels and an exaggerated presentation of their "push" for alternative energy like the video on this page abound.

Interestingly, in that video, they emphasize how they've spent $16.5B on this research since 2000. But, given the lowest their annual revenue has been since then was $205.251B, one would think that if they really cared as much as they did, they would be spending a lot more on alternatives and efficiency- as it stands, $16.5B over twenty years isn't much at all for a company that huge.

And yet, they've convinced us that we are the ones at fault, for our own daily practices. It's our fault for driving so much, let alone how their cohorts block public transit and oil companies contributed to the fall of the first wave of electric cars by GM in the '90s. It's our fault for using traditional energy, yet they make no effort to create affordable solar or wind options for anyone aside from the 1%. It's our fault for using gorram plastic straws (and plastic in general), even though the alternatives are still more expensive and sometimes don't quite cut it.

The only way things are going to improve is if fundamental shifts in how our society functions and operates occur. Mass transit needs to become the primary means of transportation in every community. Renewable energy for the home needs to not only be made affordable for the middle-class, but flat-out provided to the working poor. Plastic alternatives need to be less expensive. Fossil fuel companies' current sources of revenue, i.e. fossil fuels, need to become obsolete. Tesla can't be the only company making fully electric cars.

Big changes. And we're nowhere near any of them right now.

So, "Big Yellow Taxi." Every time I hear it, whether it's the original or that ubiquitous cover by the Counting Crows and Vanessa Carleton, I tap my toes while also kind of having a slight tantrum in my head. Because fifty years ago, one of the greatest singer-songwriters of the last century warned us about what we're doing to our planet. And we haven't really listened.

We won't really know what we've got until it's gone, and by then, it will be too late.

Happy Friday?