A Big Fat Problem

Story Time:

On the 2oth, right in the middle of this Covid-19 pandemic, my throat started to hurt. I brushed my teeth three times that day and used mouthwash after every time I ate something, but the morning of the 21st, I realized I needed to get in touch with a doctor somehow because I was likely coming down with strep throat- swallowing was more difficult than normal, and when I was talking to my cats (I do this, so what?), I noticed I was swallowing a lot more than usual, something that happens when I have strep. I tried to avoid going into a clinic, since I know they're bogged down and stuff, but since my primary care office was closed (it was a Saturday), I had to go to an urgent care clinic. I've been to this location probably seven or eight times at this point, and the clinic itself is lovely, but I did feel bad taking up their time during all of this chaos. Still, I chose this location specifically because they'd have record of a lot of my past bouts with strep and, hopefully, that would expedite the process.

The nurse and I were joking around (I always try to be fun with healthcare professionals) when she was getting my temperature and doing my throat swab for the strep test, and when I told her my history with strep and the exact prescriptions and dosages I was hoping to get from the doctor to alleviate my symptoms, she was impressed. "Wow, you know exactly what you need! You'll be out of here and feeling better in no time!"

She was also impressed with how I handled the throat swab- "Dang, I can tell you've done this plenty of times before, you didn't even flinch!" 

Her confidence in the care I was about to receive had me in a pretty good mood when she left the room with my throat culture sample, and I felt relieved.

Then the doctor came in, and her first words were, "The test came back negative, so you just have a sore throat." She was terse and rather than make eye contact, she was looking me up and down,  lingering on my stomach a lot.

"I was expecting that, but let's send the sample out," I said, trying to be cheery. "Pretty much every time it goes to the lab after being negative in the office, the lab calls me back and says they got a positive result. It's in my chart, if you want to take a look."

"If you insist, we can send it out." Another pause to look me up and down. "Let's check your breath." She spent a long time on this, which I understand, given breathing problems is a big part of Covid-19. When she felt my neck, her fingers barely touched my skin, and it came across more as for show than any sincere effort to find out if anything is actually swollen. When she looked in my throat, it was for less than a second, and she immediately turned her back to me and said, "You don't have spots, so you don't have strep."

"Again, that doesn't surprise me, but I've had positive lab results without spots plenty of times before, so in my experience, that doesn't rule it out. It's all there in my chart, if you'd look at it really quick. If you'd just prescribe me an antibiotic now, I can avoid having to go back to the pharmacy once the lab results come back. The less I have to go out during all this, the better, right?"

"Well I think you just have a sore throat, so I'm not giving you an antibiotic." She folded her arms across her chest while turning back to me to stare at my stomach again, and she pointedly made no effort to move towards the computer to look at my records.

"Ok, well, if you look at my history, you'll see how often the rapid tests are negative and the lab ones are positive, so are you sure we can't just be proactive here?"

Looking me up and down again, still not at the computer, "You don't have strep. You have no fever, no spots, your lymph nodes are barely swollen. You just have nasal drip or something." She shook her head back and forth really quickly a few times to emphasize her frustration.

"Look, it's true, I get nasal drip, but this is beyond that, I can feel it. I know what my body's trying to tell me, I have some sort of infection. Maybe not even strep, but a sinus infection, at least, since they often start out like this, too. Please, just look at my chart and you'll see this happens to me all the time."

She rolled her eyes, unfolded her arms, and stepped to the computer. I let out a little sigh of relief, which she heard and gave me side-eye for. Then a second or two later, "Well I see here you have seasonal allergies, it's probably just that."

"Atually, my allergen hasn't even been pollinating-"

"I'm going to re-prescribe your antihistamines to stop the drip, since it's obvious this is just your allergies acting up, and I'm going to give you a spray to numb your throat." Lazer eyes.

"I'll take the allergy meds, since I can always use more of those, but my allergies aren't what's causing this, I know it, so I don't really NEED-need them right now. And ma'am, I'm going to have to say no to the spray. Those don't do anything to reduce swelling and only hide inflammation, not get rid of it. I want something to actually stop the swelling and inflammation, and if you're not willing to give me an antibiotic, can I at least get a steroid to do that for me? Prednisone has always worked to actually end the symptoms, especially when paired with Amoxicillin or something." (Amoxicillin is a fairly strong antibiotic; Prednisone is a steroid.)

"I'm not giving you Amoxicillin, but I can give you Prednisone if you don't want a spray."

"Ok, thank you."

"I'll go put that in and be right back."

The door closed exponentially louder behind her than it had the nurse.

It wasn't until I was home with my Prednisone that I realized it was the weakest dosage I've ever received. And since I wasn't even very congested at that point, and no, my allergies were not acting up, the allergy meds did nothing. The lab results did come back negative, but that weak steroid dosage wasn't strong enough to even reduce, let alone eliminate, the swelling.  So here I am, six days later, and I feel worse. My throat is more swollen, I have some spots on my throat now, the inflammation has spread to a larger area, and I'm pretty sure I have at least a bad sinus infection, if not also strep, because now I am congested and I've had a constant sinus headache since yesterday morning, plus that kind of mildly foggy feeling that accompanies either strep or sinusitis. There was even a little blood in the gunk I coughed up this morning (something I'll get to in a second). 

Exposition Time: 
I mentioned before that strep is a Thing I deal with a lot, but didn't go into the nitty-gritty as to why. There's a sort of long history that's catching up to me, now that I live in a place with grass, so if you don't mind....

When I was a kid, I got various throat infections a lot, likely due to my crappy sinuses. I've had nasal drip pretty much my entire life, to some extent, and it comes as no surprise that this leads to inflammation or worse in my throat. In particular, I came down with strep throat a few times a year, without fail, but for this, that, and the other reasons, my tonsils were never removed. So, every infection led to more scar tissue and damage on my tonsils. By this, I mean that while a healthy tonsil looks more like a golf ball, mine look more like peach pits now- lots of deep crevices and literal holes in which anything going down my throat (nasal drip or otherwise) can get stuck. Add to this the recent revelation from an ENT that my tonsils never shrank, it's pretty easy to understand how a small sinus issue can turn into a big throat one- I have abnormally large tonsils, each with their own networks of Grand Canyons in which bacteria can fester and multiply. And unfortunately, there's only so much that a good oral hygiene regimen can do for me to reduce the gunk- it helps, but it can't prevent infections entirely. My tonsils are just too messed up and there's just too much drip for that. I cough up a glob of mucus every morning (and during the day, if I need to) and use alcohol-free mouthwash to kill bacteria, but I can't get everything out of my tonsils all the time. I take expectorants like Mucinex to thin the stuff out a lot, too, but that only does so much, as well.

I'm also severely allergic to grass. So much so that multiple allergists have said if it gets any worse, I would need to carry a rescue inhaler- and I've never had anything resembling asthma in my life. Now, this wasn't a huge problem for me when I was growing up, since I lived in Las Vegas, where it's just, y'know, dirt. But once college happened and I moved to greener areas, my sinuses got exponentially worse, and I was diagnosed (again, multiple times) with varying forms of chronic sinusitis/sinus infections as a result of constant exposure to grass pollen. So, my sinuses are making more mucus now, which means more gunk is sliding down my throat, which means more gunk is getting stuck in those crevices, which means more throat infections. For the past three years, I've had strep on average about a half-dozen times- each. Not overall, each. Each year.

Me, trying to sleep on the couch to
elevate my head and reduce the sinus pressure

Due to the nature of the infection, strep isn't the kind of thing I can anticipate and schedule an appointment in advance for (at least no more than twenty-four hours), nor are sinus infections. And since I work hourly and have hardly any sick time (the state of Washington mandates it for everyone, but it's reeeeeeeally slow in accruing), the best I can do is bounce around urgent care clinics. And thus I have never seen the same doctor twice for throat issues. This is why I've made a concerted effort over the last year to go to the same one every time, so that they'd have an ongoing record of all of this crap to use as a reference. But, even though I've been there a bunch of times, for whatever reason, I still keep seeing a different doctor every visit.

The first few times (in the past couple years) I was diagnosed with strep, I waited until the symptoms were all-consuming before seeing a doctor, until the fever and full-body aches and being unable to swallow or talk was making me basically non-functional and "look like death" (according to a boss that sent me home on one such occasion). So, understandably, the rapid strep tests done in the office those times came back positive, and I was immediately prescribed steroids to reduce the swelling and inflammation (once even given a shot right then and there, which was just. MAGICAL.) and antibiotics to get rid of the infection. But I'm a grown-ass woman, and I know my body. So I've become pretty damn adept at telling when it's starting to fester, and now I go the moment I start suspecting it's happening. I don't think it's a coincidence, then, that I haven't had a positive in-office rapid test result in two years.

But.

Only twice did the result once my sample was sent to the lab (something you can request if you think it was a false negative, or if there are symptoms pointing to strep but the original test was negative) remain negative. In other words, I've become good enough at detecting when my body is coming down with strep that I get into the doctor before it's severe enough for the quick test to show it, but once they let it grow in a Petrie dish, my samples come back positive. And those two times it didn't come back positive, I was still diagnosed with a sinus infection, so I was still on the right track. 

And this, friends, is where it gets hairy. 

Because in all these times (at least a dozen at this point) that the rapid test came back negative, there's been a pretty even split between doctors that took me seriously and doctors that didn't. This has led to a direct correlation between how seriously I'm taken and how quickly I feel better. And I think a major contributing factor is

BECAUSE I'M FAT, I'M FAT, COME ON,
YA KNOW!

I'm overweight; it just is what it is. And I genuinely believe this is impacting the quality of care I've been receiving. 

It's a known fact that there are myriad biases in medicine. Gender, race, and general heuristics/shortcuts  can impact how a doctor interprets symptoms and how well they actually listen to their patients, as well as influence the steps the doctor decides are necessary. There is a reason black women are more than twice as likely to die giving birth than their white counterparts.  

And unfortunately, weight is another basis for discrimination in the doctor's office. Life-threatening issues unrelated to weight get ignored in favor of diagnoses more easily linked to obesity; discussions, no matter where they start, always get looped back to how losing weight will fix the problem; overweight patients don't even get the chance to explain what they're going through before doctors assume their only problem is their size. This leads to not only inadequate care, but also frequently results in disengagement with and avoidance of the healthcare system on the part of overweight and obese patients. 

So in light of this, think about that interaction I described with the doctor at the urgent care. While sure, I have no doubt she was at least partly frustrated because some crazy lady insisted she had strep during a global pandemic and oh! look! the rapid test was negative; her body language and the way she kept looking me up and down (especially the lingering on my stomach) left no room for doubt in my mind that my weight was a huge factor in her treatment of me. She made hardly any effort to really check to see how swollen my throat actually was and wanted to prescribe me something that has nothing to do with swelling (the spray), even though I was there because my throat was swollen and I was having a harder time swallowing and talking than normal. She was visibly annoyed at my insistence she simply look at my medical history. She would not listen when I tried to explain to her why I was certain I had some sort of infection. She prescribed me allergy medicine I explicitly told her I did not need, and gave me a super low dosage for the one thing I asked for that she was willing to give, the Prednisone. And even though she insisted it was allergies, she never even bothered to ask me what I'm allergic to, even cut me off when I tried to tell her. 

She's not the first doctor to insist all I had was just a "sore throat." She isn't even the first to prescribe me a numbing spray, which is why I knew it wouldn't work and put my foot down with her. Other doctors, even if they admitted my lymph nodes were swollen, have fallen back on my allergies and nasal drip and said all I needed was to numb my tonsils and it will pass. Never mind the fact that, again, sprays like that don't reduce swelling or stop inflammation- they literally just numb the area, hiding the symptoms, not ending them. Twice, when I was feeling sicker than I did with this most recent doctor and thus didn't have the energy to fight the doctors on those occasions over the spray, I called my pharmacy as I was leaving and told them not to bother with it. Both of those times, I got a phone call two days later saying my lab result was a positive strep test. THEN I went to the pharmacy, to get my antibiotic. Both those times, it was around two weeks before I felt entirely normal again. 

Me, to these doctors

In contrast, when doctors listened to me and understood, even if the lab result took three days to come back as positive, by then I would at least already be feeling a little better, since they had prescribed me much stronger courses of Prednisone- one even scoffed at the idea of a spray when I brought it up with him, asking him why he didn't try that ("Those don't do shit for swelling, as you know!"). Each of those times, I felt fine and was more frustrated I had to stay home for twenty-four hours while the antibiotic kicked in (twenty-four hours is the standard time for an antibiotic to eliminate the possibility of infecting others) because I was feeling mostly normal by the time I even started said antibiotic.

How I felt every time I left these doctor visits

So What?

I would think it's fairly obvious why this upsets me. On a personal level, I'm in pain and feel like crap because that doctor wouldn't listen to me. Because at the very least, if she had given me a stronger course of steroids, my throat wouldn't hurt nearly as much as it does right now. And it also felt super shitty to be so overtly judged and dismissed for my size by someone who is supposed to want to help me, especially when in direct contrast with the positive way the nurse responded to my needs- she seemed totally confident I'd walk out with antibiotics and a steroid, and she verbally praised my knowledge of my body's needs. Going from the nurse to the doctor was a complete 180, and it was emotionally harrowing. 

On a greater level, like I said before, it's common knowledge that this is a Thing, even if it doesn't get, like, huge coverage in the media. And I stand by all my fat brothers and sisters in declaring this unjust. I shouldn't have to say this by now, but there are lots of reasons for people's being overweight, and it's not always lifestyle choices. At one point, my primary care doctor told me I would never be under a size twelve, which is considered "plus-sized," because of my build, genetics, and metabolism. I had been dieting and exercising "like I'm supposed to," according to the cultural zeitgeist, but she told me to stop because I would never get down to a size close to what I wanted (I was hoping for a six or eight), and there was no point in being miserable about my body AND my desire to eat a fucking cheeseburger- I may as well eat the cheeseburger, she said, otherwise I would just be more miserable, plus could actually put myself in danger, since my body is not set up to be that small. And I know this is a factor that often gets glossed over, that some people are just bigger by nature.

Discrimination like this is unkind at best, and dangerous at worst. And I use that word deliberately- discrimination. Because us bigger folks, our rights as patients are being ignored or flat-out denied simply because of how we look. We deal with marginalization in so many other areas of our lives, and having it take place in the area that is meant to keep us living is tragic. We shouldn't avoid care because we're afraid of being judged. We shouldn't get sicker because we're being ignored. We shouldn't die because we weren't taken seriously. Nobody should, for any reason.

Caveat(s):

1) Ok, so I know the timing of this rant is pretty shitty- there's literally a global pandemic on the loose, yeah. And believe me, I am 100% on the side of healthcare workers in the face of this Covid-19 crisis. My heart goes out to them now, and if there was ever a time to make the argument health care workers deserve hazard pay, now is it. 

But. A clinic being busy is no excuse for discriminatory service. I would hope this isn't a controversial statement, but who knows? I can totally see a bunch of death threats coming my way because I'm not supporting our troops healthcare workers right now. But honestly, if they do, it would just prove my point, that people don't give a shit about fat people, and that the biases and prejudices that lead to this uneven care are justified by society as a whole.

2) There's hope for my immediate recovery. I have to jump through some hoops, but provided my throat doesn't swell shut before then and I end up in urgent care once more, I have an appointment with my primary care doctor Monday morning and that aforementioned ENT Tuesday morning. Between the two of them, I should be able to get what I need. It's just shitty it's going to take this many talks/visits to get what I could have had from day one. 

You, right now

I know, and that's kind of the point. I'm lucky I'm going to (eventually) get what I need, and it shouldn't be that way. But it is what it is. Sucks, doesn't it?

Fin.

"Not Like That"- A Compendium of Thoughts on That Thing That Happened

I'm going to keep updating this as new info comes out, so if you're someone that gives a damn, maybe check back in a couple days. But I'm going to just sort of spat thoughts on the thing with the Catholic kids and the Native American elder. So there's no thesis or main point, here, just venting. I've been festering over this, and reached the point where the zit needs to be popped.

This article by Indian Country Today is a good compilation of videos encompassing the whole thing. The super long one, the one by those guys who identify themselves as Hebrew Israelites, hasn't really been given enough attention, and I want to start there- makes sense, chronologically, but also because what these guys were doing was pretty awful, too, and the reason all this shit went down to begin with.

So these assholes showed up to the Indigenous People's March, to protest it, apparently. And they were shouting all sorts of racist, disparaging things at the people marching. If you listen to the beginning of their (again, long) video, you hear them yelling at the Native Americans about how they knew Native history better than the Native Americans do- there's some garbage about how "before Natives worshipped totem poles," they had worshipped "the true God," or something like that. And that because of this "idol worship," their "land was taken from them."

I have to say, it's pretty vile to protest against indigenous people marching peacefully. Like, what are you really protesting to begin with? I guess, based on the shit they were saying, it was to "save" them? But, as people try to talk to them, they're entirely uninterested in dialogue and just talk over them, being super rude every time. If they were there from a place of genuine love and compassion, they would want to talk. No, they were there to pontificate, not to really help anyone or save any souls.

Something that confuses me: at 38:18ish, the guy with the phone starts mocking one of the students for wearing a MAGA hat to a Native American protest- and like, what? You've been standing here, telling Native Americans it's their own fault they're the victims of genocide, and now you're going to "call out" a white kid for being disrespectful? I mean, the thing is, within the first two minutes minute, they completely dismiss/talk over one of the Native Americans that is... wait for it... trying to point out that they're being disrespectful. I mean, seriously, I don't think the dude is able to finish a full phrase because the guy in the Hebrew Israelite group wouldn't shut the fuck up. So like, who the actual fuck are you to care about respect for the Indigenous march? "I'm just here to tell you what you have to do," he says to the Indigenous man. I guess the boarding schools didn't try hard enough.

Point there is, these guys are hypocrites. And they incited the whole thing, and their part in it hasn't been explored enough, as far as I can se.

(At about five minutes, a Black woman who has been visible for pretty much the whole video starts trying to talk to them and they say shit like, "Where's your husband?" as if to say he shouldn't have to listen to her because she's a woman- so like, dude, obviously these guys prescribe to some pretty regressive shit.)

Because after they mock that first kid, they go all-in at mocking the whole crowd of teenage boys. Sure, it's true the Catholic church has done some deplorable shit, but they're fucking teenage boys for crying out loud- if these Hebrew Israelites are half as smart as they think they are, they should have known that asking if they have "one nigga" in the group and calling them stuff like "dusty crackers" was going to create a huge kerfuffle- honestly, if Phillips hadn't stepped in, there would have probably been a riot (and I strongly suspect they were hoping the rich white kids would get physical with them, based on how they kept going). 

Which is exactly why he did what he did. He says he saw something about to happen and wanted to pray, to calm things down. No, he didn't realize how bad it was until he was in the thick of it, but dude, that's the point. It was that bad.

So then you have those shorter videos in the ICT article, and you see the progression of the behavior of the boys. For starters, it's clear there's space between Phillips and the boys, a space that gradually gets tighter and tighter, with fewer and fewer of the boys on the stairs- indicating the whole crowd was swarming Phillips and his fellow indigenous singers. Some of the boys do mock-Indigenous dances (apparently, some were attempts at the haka, according to Al Jazeera), the whole crowd engages in a mock-chant (more on that later), and there's this Nick Sandmann asswipe.

I first found out his name reading this NYT article, and it led me to his statement. And that. Oh, that. This kid is full of shit. In the first of the shorter videos from ICT, he isn't even visible- which means he deliberately positioned himself in front of Philips. In other words, in order to appear so close, had to push past his classmates. So duh, he was the one "invading personal space." And there's no reason to get that close to someone except in an attempt at intimidation.  As for that ridiculous smirk he had pretty much the whole time, it was obviously one of mockery, the same smirk guys in fake warpaint and war bonnets wear when confronted by indigenous people outside the stadiums where the Braves and Redsk*ns play. His statement is nothing but lies, passive-aggression, narcissism, and backpedaling. I suppose Trump would be proud.

I don't believe the diocese when they say they'll do anything. I just don't. The Catholic church was an active participant in the cultural genocide practiced against indigenous people on this continent up until the 1980s. I've mentioned before that my great uncle was beaten so badly by a priest for speaking Lakota at boarding school that he went to the hospital- what I didn't mention then, was it was a Catholic priest. Stewart Indian School, the last boarding school in the U.S. to stop operating as such (in 1980), was a Catholic school. If they continually sweep molestation under the rug, why would they care if some rowdy teenagers were rude to a Native American elder? I'll believe it when I see it, but for now, I don't.

Also, about that mock-chant in the videos ICT included in that article. It's the same one you hear at, like, Braves and Redsk*n games, or in the scene where they do "the chop" in Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Some even do the hand motion. (I feel like it's in Major League or one of the sequels, too, but this was easier to find, so here's the one from Men in Tights.)

So I don't see how anybody can still get away with saying they weren't mocking- then again, look at what our president gets away with every gorram day?

(As an aside, I'm pretty disappointed with that NYT piece- it's basically pulling an "on all sides" in its reporting, and it's pretty offensive they'd give credence to the claims that the indigenous people were somehow the aggressors, here.)

And yeah, the guy that calls Phillips "Grandpa" shouldn't have engaged with that teenager, but I get why he did it- he was angry, and hurting, and the kid was obviously painfully ignorant (or one of "those" debators, the kind that studies Schopenhauer's ways to win an argument)- whether or not indigenous people crossed a land bridge from Asia is entirely irrelevant to the fact that our lands were stolen from us and his ancestors committed genocide to do it. Aside from that, though, it's pretty clear that, despite the picture Sandmann and supporters are trying to paint, the indigenous people were the only ones that weren't being assholes. 

It's just heartbreaking to watch Phillips at the end, shouting, "RELATIVES! RELATIVES!" and watch as nobody gives a shit. It reminds me of another great uncle, one that taught me about humility and forgiveness. He was a lobbyist for Indian Country, and I remember a conversation we had when I was around thirteen. It went something like this:

"Uncle Gerald, how can you be so kind to these guys that are making laws that hurt our people?"

"Because without grace, we're no better than them."

"But why forgive them? It's not like they've really done anything to make things right."

"Forgiveness isn't for them, it's for us. If we don't forgive, we carry hate in our hearts, and again, that would make us no better than them. We have to forgive and move on, and hope that eventually they'll listen and help us. With, of course, some forceful convincing on our part." [wink]

[He then taught me the Serenity Prayer.]

After all the mockery and meanness, Phillips says, "Yeah, let's make America great! Let's do that!" In earnest. Not sarcastically, not to be funny. In earnest.

One of the kids shouts, "How?"

And the guy that had called Phillips "Grandpa" says, "Not like that!"

And that's kind of perfect.

Nothing is going to get better if all this hate continues. And the kind of bullshit these kids (and those assholes that antagonized them to begin with) were acting out is just making it worse. And I wish I could talk to my Uncle Gerald about how to deal with these zealots- these MAGA-wearing, Trump-loving bigots. Because I strain and twist myself, trying to be compassionate and open like he taught me. But it gets harder all the time. And in the face of stuff like this? I just can't. And I wish I could ask him what to do.  He's gone, so I can't, and that hurts about as much as everything else right now.

And another thing that makes this so painful is the shit Phillips and his companions were dealing with? It's more like an everyday occurrence. I'm glad this one is getting attention, but what I need you to understand, reader, is that this kind of shit happens every day to indigenous people. And to people of color now that Trump is in office. And it's not just elders. It happens to kids at school. Trump gets quoted by fucking teachers being racist to their students. 

And yet, snotty little brats like Sandmann go unchecked when they play the victim. Major news outlets like the New York Times don't call him and his ilk on their bullshit.

And what that does, is it silences us. Those of us whose identities are being attacked. Whose very personhood is being called into question. How can we stand up for ourselves if lies about us, about what these people are doing to us, go unquestioned? If when we call for peace, we're depicted as the villain? If when we try to reach out, we're mocked and ridiculed, then turned into the scapegoat and have angry fingers pointed in our direction? So we remain silent. Because you can't reason with irrationality and delusion.

It reminds me of a quote from retired Senator Barney Frank: "On what planet do you spend most of your time? Having a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table."

It's impossible. So I don't have any answers. I don't know what to do. 

I guess I'll just pray to my totem poles that things will get better somehow. 

*Don't* Shut Up, Wesley!: When Hypocrisy, Vitriol, and Social Justice Collide

I've been sitting on whether or not to write about this for a bit now, ever since the news broke out, but given how much it bubbles in my brain and how much of an emotional response I feel when it does, I figured I should just get this out there.

This showed up in my news feed the day it went live, and it... Made me angry. Like, so angry I had to ask for a few extra minutes on my break because I had read it while at work, angry. It, along with the anger directed at Wil described there, are perfect examples of a phenomenon I have observed on the Internet, one that I think is completely self-defeating and outlandish. But allow me to explain here, in my own words.

Wil Wheton  started getting big on the Internet after showing up in niche nerd properties like The Guild and by his involvement in Geek and Sundry, especially with his show Tabletop, the latter of which I was one of the first subscribers on YouTube. So, y'know, full disclosure, I've been a fan for a long time. I especially appreciated how his motto of "Don't be a dick" was used on Twitter and the like by both him and his fans- he consistently decries the misogyny and hatred of the nerdboiz during Gamergate and Comicsgate, and all this recent Star Wars bullshit from the toxic minority (I feel like I saw something from his Twitter account or something, but I can't find it- he at least alludes to it here), and very openly supports (and calls for) attempts at diversity and inclusion within the various intersecting nerd-doms out there through his Twitter account and blog. 

So, naturally, he became a target. The nerdboiz he was calling out did some of the exact stuff he was highlighting to him, namely the ridiculous vitriol and bullying. Crucially, during the Gamergate stuff, he posted a block list created by Randi Harper under the auspices of a simple, hassle-free way to block misogynists and Nazis. It was later revealed that Harper is a hot-tempered terf, going so far as to encourage Gamergaters, the supposed enemy and problem, to dox trans rights people, and her list had in fact included myriad trans activists. As soon as he found out, Wil apologized, did his best to remove all of these people from the list and, when he couldn't, got rid of it and stopped promoting it altogether. 

Let me reiterate that last point: As soon as he realized the list he had promoted was secretly transphobic, he did his utmost to rectify the situation, by both unblocking trans people/activists and by getting rid of it. 

In other words, he did something in good faith, realized it was a mistake, and then tried to make up for it.

But that wasn't enough. He was continually being called transphobic and anti-LGBT and such, and was a consistent enough target of harassment and bullying by social justice advocates that he deactivated his Twitter, instead setting up shop on the purportedly ultra-liberal Mastadon. He was immediately the target of harassment there (you can see his responses to it on what's left of his page), a behavior which is supposedly against the platform's code of conduct. And he left Mastodon after his account was suspended by the admin of that instance, the admin telling him they received 60+ complaints about him in one night- notably, then, not for committing any violations himself, but rather because this big unruly mob flooded the admin's inbox.

Except they weren't nearly as cute- or musical.

I highly recommend reading Wil's piece on this whole thing. 

So here's why that first article I linked made me angry.

The author openly states that Wil was the target of a trolling prank on Mastodon, and that the perpetrator was a trans woman. But she makes him out as the bad guy for reporting the prankster, based solely on the fact that the latter is trans, ignoring the fact that the prankster was violating Mastodon's code of conduct in the first place. The author makes it out to be evidence of his supposed "transphobic agenda" or whatever, but dude- that woman on Mastodon being trans doesn't change the fact that she violated the server's terms. I get where the author is coming from, that she (the prankster) may not "feel safe around" Wil anymore, but you know what? Let's be a little more honest in our reporting/statements of facts, here.
Also, as a staunch supporter of the #MeToo/#TimesUp movement, I'm not super pissed he never ended up giving a detailed statement in:re Chris Hardwick. And I've been raped twice and was in an abusive relationship, folks. If he and Chris were as close as it seems, I totally understand. It's painful, and private. He has a right to privacy. He doesn't have to say anything. It'd be cool if he did, but these people don't know how that whole mess affected Wil personally, and while I am in no way saying he's a direct victim of Hardwick's alleged behavior, it's kind of asinine to demand a condemnation from the guy. I know all of my ex's friends and family know how he treated me, but I don't expect them to give him the boot because of it; how can I expect a stranger to do the same in similar circumstances? I know that's just my personal situation, but relationships are complicated, and so are people, and without being right there with them, we can't profess to know what "should" go on between two close friends when one turns out to be abusive; and it's also borderline cruel to expect a person to bare such deep, personal things to a mob of people that will condemn them either way.

Plus, maybe if the vitriol hadn't been so fierce, he wouldn't have left Twitter when he did and, yeah, maybe he would have made some sort of statement- we'll never know because he left, but I can't help but think that he didn't get a chance before the pitchforks got close enough to his jugular that he had to call it quits.

And basically, the way I see it, Wil isn't the one with the "listening problem," it's all of the people attacking him. Because they ignore all of the positive stuff he's done before, and refuse to accept his apology for his mistake. 

And herein lies the problem: If marginalized communities can't listen when an ally apologizes, they aren't going to keep their allies. When they engage in the kind of behavior they decry and aim it at people that previously were on their side, all they're doing is adding fuel to the fire of their detractors.

I'm probably pissing loads of people off, but hear me out.

Wil's response when he realized the list was bad was what should be ideal for an ally- he apologized and tried to make amends. It's classic Ally 101 behavior, stuff I read about when studying in grad school (remembe the time I was almost an academic? Jeez...). Destructive allies don't apologize; ones that can help enact change do.

But that's just it- I can't say he actually made amends, because, like I said, it wasn't enough. A bunch of social justice advocates stuck their fingers in their own gorram ears and crucified him. And that's entirely counter-productive to "the cause," so to speak. Who the flip are you preaching to, if you condemn anyone outside your circle that makes the slightest mistake? I'll give you a hint:

It may be sacrilege, but I liked this one more.

And I say this as a woman whose own intersectional identity leads to all sorts of internalized discrimination. 

Allies are people, too. We have to let them make mistakes. We have to listen when they apologize. We have to be there with, and for, them when they learn and grow into better allies. We can't expect to keep allies when we don't allow them to just be human. I'm focusing on this treatment of allies, here, but Sarah Lynn Michener addresses this in her own piece about some of the problems of the ultra-left:

It's fine to call out a celeb if they've genuinely done something problematic. But if you then never forgive them, bring it up every time they are invited to speak at a rally, and routinely say they have no place in the resistance because of things they have long since apologized for, then you will have a very small and ineffective resistance. 

I couldn't agree with her more! By attacking current, imperfect allies, you're alienating potential ones. TURNING ON MEMBERS OF YOUR TEAM ONLY MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE PART OF THE PROBLEM. Or at the very least, it reinforces the crap right-wingers say about "social justice warriors" and the like. 

And it proves how that holier-than-thou attitude is nothing but snake oil. I'm not going to go down the path of discussing the implications of sending the lions after someone that legitimately, earnestly espouses discriminatory beliefs. That's its own post.

But. Doing so to someone who has consistently, adamantly, and thoroughly demonstrated to genuinely be on your side is disgusting. And yeah, I do think it makes those doing it look as bad as the people they're supposed to be "fighting" against in the first place, the people whose identities are so integral to their own- because without someone to not be like, they have no idea what to be like. And they have no idea how hypocritical it is to say conservatives are "closed-minded" when they literally cannot listen to anything that's remotely outside their exact idea of what any bit of discourse should look like. It's its own, messed up form of hegemony that just makes me ashamed.

And no. I'm not saying the trans movement is for cis white dudes like Wil (let elone ones less enlightened than him- because he admits whole-heartedly he has all sorts of privileges because he's a cis white dude, y'all). Or that any movement at all is "for" allies. I'm not that stupid, either. But what I am saying is that you can't have a successful uprising without help from those in the most advantaged positions. In other words, allies.

And you can't expect those allies to be perfect. I mean, for Pete's sake, even official members of the in-group aren't always perfect. But we have to take them seriously when they try to make it right, walking them through what was wrong, why it was wrong, and how to go about that fix.

On a super personal note, someone very dear to me, a cis white male, has said he's often terrified of opening his mouth in situations related to marginalization, be it in person or online, because he's afraid of being attacked by the very people with which he wishes to express solidarity. Because what if he accidentally "says the wrong thing" or "gets misinterpreted" or whatnot. And I think this is why this issue pisses me off so bloody much- I know damn well he would fight, literally and figuratively, with every last ounce for every cause I would, but he feels powerless to do so because of some damn ASSHOLES that can't chill out and are so damn territorial and unwilling to even consider the possibility that someone from the majority can mess up but still be sincere. I know it's anecdotal, but it speaks to the bigger issue- this person I care about refrains from helping for fear of backlash. And c'mon, he's not the only one. Obvi.

So, Wil, if you're reading this (which I highly doubt you are), remember that small, loud minority of people doesn't speak for everybody. There are those of us that already miss your presence on the intertubes. That are sorry those arsehats scared you off. And wish we could bake you cookies.

And my advice to my fellow liberals: Get your act together. Stop vilifying people that can and want to help for making mistakes, especially if they express a desire to reconcile. If you can do this, there's hope for the future, for the change you, we, so passionately want. The more you can, the more credibility you'll build up, too. 

 If you can't, or rather won't, well, I have absolutely zero inclination to join your particular team- I'm good on my own, thanks. So in that case, you can just

Wonder Woes, Part Deaux: FOR THE LOVE OF HERA, SEE WONDER WOMAN

In "Wonder Woes," I discussed some stress/anxiety/anger/etc. I was experiencing in light of a potential change in Diana's backstory. It turned out to be a rumor, but I'm calling this post a sequel because my source of frustration here is still what's going on with Warner Brothers and one of the myriad things they've chosen to do (or not do) that just will not help me relax about Wonder Woman. Seriously, pretty much the whole time I've been watching this whole thing unfold, I've felt frustrated and helpless.

Yup

My latest stress is that with the premier date less than a month away, I'm kind of out of sorts over the dearth of (good/smart) marketing promoting it. And I'm not the only one noticing it. All sorts of other fancy, more-read people have noticed it, too. Not only that, but one of the few advertisement partnerships WB has made is with gorram diet bars. (Yes, there have been a few other partnerships, but the main one available now is food "for women" and associated with weight loss/dieting/etc. Just totally not cool.) And while a lot of the other articles are pitched as a "fans are wondering  why" piece, I know why- or at least, I have a theory. It has to do with what I was talking about here, and more.  They may be making the movie, but they don't expect it to do well. So they're cutting their losses and saving every penny they can, since they don't think the movie will make much more than its $100M budget (an historical thing in and of itself, if you didn't know). 

And of course that  upsets me. I've blogged before about how it seems the Dudes in Suits are so paranoid about having a comic movie star a woman, they gender/character-swapped the Days of Future Past storyline for the movie.* I have zero faith in movie executives at this point. And it's not up to directors what kind of promotional materials get made/distributed/etc. for their movies- so Patty Jenkins, our director here, is entirely powerless, now that her movie is (presumably) finished. There's nothing she can do as WB's PR department completely drops the ball. I can only  imagine how upset she was when she saw the "Thinkthin" shit. 

What makes this troublesome for me is this "we don't think it's going to do well so we're not going to waste money promoting it" has the potential to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. And if the movie does, in fact, do poorly it's first weekend or two, low turnout will be used as the excuse to put a cease and desist order on any and all female-starring superhero movies ad infinitum. Not a damn thing about the lack of effort from the PR department will be said, just the poor box office numbers. Alongside Catwoman and Elektra, Wonder Woman will be touted as an example of how "women just can't star in superhero movies." It's being set up to fail, and that failure will in turn lead to zero faith on the part of the Dudes in Suits. 

And yes, I do think this means Captain Marvel will very likely be affected, too. I don't care if it's a different studio- these Dudes in Suits take notice of what each other are doing, how they're doing it, how it does or does not pay off, etc. Marvel Studios would totally reconsider a Captain Marvel movie if a gorram Wonder Woman movie tanks. 

(I was going  to have this point be a side or footnote, but I think it's important and relevant enough it needs to stick in the main body.) When having this conversation in person, and when I bring up the Captain Marvel/Marvel Studios point, the only time anyone resists/challenges me there is when I'm talking to a man. Any women I've discussed it with has agreed emphatically, while any man I've spoken with about it has always argued, or at least tried to make it sound like I'm jumping to conclusions or something about it. The fact that Marvel Studios is separate from WB, or that they already have people cast and a director and stuff for Captain Marvel are among the main things I hear these dudes say (and I should note, I've reached over half a dozen at this point, who have all done this to me). 

What I want to know is why they think any of that matters, here? Movies complete with directors, actors, scripts, etc. get cancelled all the gorram time. So what's so special about Marvel Studios?  To say a thing I've said a million times, Marvel isn't actually all that great with female representation onscreen. Women end up being sidekicks, mysteries, tools, obstacles, and damsels in distress for the men in the stories to interact with somehow. And now that the Avengers team is even bigger, more than doubled, after Civil War, I want you to look more closely at the cast of Infinity War Part I. There are six women listed as for sure (one as rumored). Six. And that list doesn't include extras or anything yet. Six, out of 30 (or 29, if you count the two rumored listings). That's only 1/5 of the entire named cast. Or watch this "first look" featurette:

Notice how it's all white dudes talking, and any character-driven plot they talk about has to do with men specifically or general groups (the Avengers themselves, the Guardians of the Galaxy), groups in which women are a minority. I think that just sort of sets the tone for what to expect from the movies- as with all other Marvel movies,  these women will be side characters, and the main players will be Iron Man, Captain America, Star Lord, and Thanos. Also, as I've said before, if Marvel Studios is still unwilling to make a movie for a guaranteed-money-maker like Black Widow, one they know all of the nerdboys drool and jerk off to, now that she's been onscreen in five of their movies (soon to be six/seven, with Infinity War), why the fuck would they hesitate to ditch an idea for a character that's mostly unknown to the uninitiated? (Seriously, I don't know a single person that doesn't read comics but knows who she is (compared to Wonder Woman, which is like "duh"), and when I inform them she's a she, they're usually super surprised. Which says a lot, I think.) I don't think they'd cut her from Infinity War, no, but would they give her her own movie? Probably not.

And to state the obvious point, this would have absolutely nothing to do with the character of Captain Marvel herself, or any projections based on her- it would be simply because the Dudes in Suits would see that a- THE- Wonder Woman movie bombed, ticket-wise (which is all they care about- even if it gets a 100% on Rotton Tomatoes or like a 95% on Metacritic, the decision-makers wouldn't care), and would change their minds. 

And then the Batgirl movie with JOSS WHDON at the helm that hasn't been openly denied by anybody will get canceled, too, which would make it the second Whedon-helmed, female-led DC movie that didn't get made.  

And I just... While the dudebros and neckbeards may think, well...

I don't really care. I need Wonder Woman to succeed. All women and girls do, as far as I'm concerned. William Moulton Marston, the man who created her character, knew how important it is for girls to see characters "like them" in the media- that was a huge reason he created Wonder Woman in the first place. Back then. In the 1940s. A man knew representation is important for the self esteem and well-being of little girls.

So why is that so gorram hard for Dudes in Suits nowadays?

I need this movie to be good on a deeply personal level, don't get me wrong. It would invariably send me down a bad spell if I leave the theater disappointed. But that's a somewhat different discussion. Like I said before, the execs won't really care if it's "good" or not, they're only going to notice how much money it makes. Shit, I'll buy tickets on Fandango that I won't use, if I have to.

And there's a valid comparison between the standards this movie's performance has to surpass vs. those of male-led movies and what women have to deal with in professional settings, too. While neither Thor solo flick barely beat $60m opening weekend, and the first Captain America did about the same (compared to both Avengers, which nearly doubled that, and the later Iron Man movies, which all did much better, too), the Norse God is still getting a third movie, and Cap already had one. Even Ant Man, which at $57M made less than every other Marvel Studios movie (except the second attempt at a Hulk flick) has a sequel in the works.** Wonder Woman is projected at making a bit over $80m opening weekend, and yet a number that high is actually being treated as if it's low. 

Which makes me  sick. But, y'know,

It's the same double-standard women in the workplace deal with- they have to do twice as well, be twice as nice, and still may get passed up for promotions, or the credit will go to the dude that did half as much, etc. Films led by men can have comparably sub-par performance and still have subsequent movies in their franchises, yet there's speculation the franchise starring a woman that may perform better may thus be doomed? Come ON, now.

So we all need this movie to make lots of cash. Thus, I implore you, please,

GO SEE WONDER WOMAN OPENING WEEKEND AND THE NEXT WEEKEND IF YOU CAN, TOO

I say the second weekend because the drop between opening and second weekend matters, too. 

But, anyway.

Tell your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, friends, frenemies, enemies, customers, coworkers, bosses, students, teachers... Tell every person you interact with every day. Tell them to see it. Even if you don't think it's going to be good (which is a whole different rant, but suffice to say I get really fucking tired of men saying they think it's going to suck and are apprehensive about seeing it, but they are more than willing to see any and every Thor movie in theaters, even admitting to seeing previous ones more than once despite knowing they were awful), give them a (breifer) explanation like mine as to why: If this does badly, we can expect to have to wait  another ten-plus years for another superhero film to headline a woman. 

There is one more fear, related to this double-standard: That if the movie does well but is kinda crappy, they won't make it its own franchise. We're past the point where that matters, though- all we can do is vote with our wallets and show the Dudes in Suits we want more by getting our butts  in the seats. I truly think that, at the end of the day, these Dudes in Suits aren't being consciously, maliciously sexist. I think the film industry is just so bloody entrenched with misogyny that they can't help but follow those tracks and keep things as is. But, this is capitalism. And at the end of the day, money is the most important thing.

So I also am desperate to believe the opposite of these fears: That if Wonder Woman does well, it will pave the way for other female-starring superhero flicks. So that Batgirl movie will really end up being a Thing. Black Widow will indeed get her own movie. Other franchises will come out of the woodwork, ones we've already thought of, and ones we haven't. Hell, just run a Google search for "female superheroes that need movies" and you'll get a never-ending list of articles, some with lots of overlap, some that are completely original. But the point is, people care. They want to see women onscreen. WE want to see women onscreen. And if Wonder Woman does well, I think it's possible. The patriarchal trends in the film industry could be at least a little changed, and someday, entirely smashed.

This really is an issue about the fate of feminism in this country. Wonder Woman  has, since her inception, served as a symbol for feminist ideals. That's literally what she was created for in the first place. This character is been around for a lot of shit, and has made it through a lot of shit that the dudes in charge of her stories have decided for her. I don't just think  it's superhero movies at stake. Even though The Hunger Games was successful, it, and the handful of other movies starring women that also did well, aren't treated as the norm. If Wonder Woman does well, maybe it will help that radical notion that women are people, and that the movies starring them can be money-makers, will be more accepted. And then 

BAM! Feminism FTW!!!

So please, get out there. Spread the news, make sure everyone you know goes to see Wonder Woman. And keep fighting the good fight.



*In that post, I said I was sick of Wolverine. While he did have a small part in Apocalypse, his swan song, Logan, was a masterpiece, and I am very pleased with how they said goodbye to the character. Of course, as the new series moves forth, they'll probably find a new Wolverine, but, hey, maybe the break will be longer than the breaks we've had between Spider-Man iterations. 

**Source