Let's Do More, Let's to Better

Prologue: A Little Social Experiment

Ok, we're going to play a quick word association game. I'll leave a word for you to read, and I want you to hold tight to the first VISUAL CUE that pops in your mind in response. For example, if I say "fruit," and you picture an apple, you'd keep that appple in mind for discussion. Ready? Scroll down to the word, then scroll some more to get to the rest of this newest rant of mine. As you read, remember what popped into your head, though, ok? It's going to matter in a while, I promise. 

ACCESSIBILITY

Main Post

First, a little vocab/slang lesson: "Git gud" is a phrase in the gaming community to indicate becoming/getting better at a game. As the Dictionary.com definition elaborates, it is often said to people in online forums who may be experiencing difficulty with a game and (arguably making the mistake of) soliciting tips from their brethren. In the worst cases, it's flung as an elitist, intentional insult at these people looking for help, and often paired with the noun "casual," meant to imply they don't really care about or play games much, as in, "Git gud, you f***ing casual, and gtf outta here with that blubbering!" The implication with all of this is that the person struggling with the game either isn't trying hard enough/ is looking for a shortcut, don't deserve any help, since they only play games "casually," not serious like these real gamers, and/or isn't good enough at video games to warrant any consideration (or even to play the game in question). 

I'm trying to finish Bloodborne for the first time, and I almost gave up yesterday. I was stuck on a boss fight in the DLC (extra stuff you can download, sort of like an epilogue), the last one of the DLC, in fact. My boyfriend assures me that since this is the last DLC boss, and the next two bosses are the last two of the official, original game, they'll be easier. But given the slog I've gone through to get to this asshole and how GODDAMNED FLUSTERED I got with a few of the other bosses, especially the DLC ones, the idea of having nothing but bosses left really deflates me. A lot. I've loved the game so far, for the most part- it's gothic/Lovecraftian (with a little H.G. Wells, imo) horror at its finest, and five years later, the graphics and sound design are still uncannily beautiful. Boss fights I did enjoy, I was elated every time I was victorious. But I only beat the boss before this one because she glitched and somehow got stuck in a wall, and if I'm honest, I didn't feel as disappointed with this outcome as I wished I had- part of me wished I'd noticed the glitch in time and had beat her outright, but I was mostly relieved I didn't have to try anymore. And that flies in stark contrast to this "git gud" culture- I didn't earn that victory, after all. But the boss before her? I wasn't happy when I beat him, I was relieved. Relieved it was finally frakking over with him. So this one I just finally beat yesterday? I had to have tried close to 100 times, based on the number of consumables I went through. And when I finally did win, I was numb, unexcited, and attributed it more to luck than anything else (a similar feeling I had two bosses ago). And like I said, the trouble is, now that I'm finished the most recent, all that's left is two more main game bosses. And the idea of more boss fights, more dying to the exact same dude over and over and over again is just flat-unappealing to me. "Sense of accomplishment" be damned. I'm centimeters away from having none of that so much as just strait-up solace that I'm finally fucking done.

For the uninitiated, Bloodborne is by From Software, whose games are notoriously brutal- not just in the gore, but in their difficulty. In fact, there isn't even a difficulty setting in their games- you just start and that's that. So I'm certainly not the first person that had a hard time getting through this or any of their other titles. And I don't think it's a coincidence that if you Google Image Search "git gud," roughly half of the images/memes, from what I can tell, feature various characters/images from their main series, Dark Souls. (Same if you look for "git gud meme," too.) The image I linked to in the above paragraph features two, and if you can't read it, the post at the bottom of the clipboard is an actual tweet from PCGamer, where they posted a link to this article here, which is about beating the final boss in From Software's newest title using a modification to actually slow the game itself down- and being unashamed of the fact.

This game in question, Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice led to a lot of debate in the gaming world over "gitting gud." It started, arguably, with this piece by Dave Thier, calling for an easy mode because, basically, a game's difficulty is only one part of its experience, and by making a game, any game, so difficult that only "serious" and/or "talented" gamers could get through it excludes a huge portion of people from enjoying the rest of what the game has to offer. Remember how I said Bloodborne had a great setting, sound design, etc.? That stuff. The story, us N00bs and "casuals" would miss out on stuff like that. Thier's colleague Erik Kain wrote his own, direct rebuttal of Thier's article the next day. A big part of his argument is that the creators at From Software want to teach players about overcoming obstacles and triumphing in the face of adversity. That the sense of accomplishment after beating a boss on the umpteenth try is an integral part of the games themselves, so it absolutely cannot be removed. And while there were lots of pieces on Thier's side and others on Kain's, FromSoftware kept pretty quiet about the whole thing. 

Given what I've said about Bloodborne, you can probably guess where I fall. I'm kind of bitter that these "great" games are pretty much out of my reach because I'm not "gud" enough to play them, no matter how long I play and how hard I try. How much I've struggled to get through Bloodborne has made me earnestly reassess if I should play a few other games, games I watched my boyfriend play parts of that had me on the edge of my seat because the stories were so beautiful and rich, stories I wanted to experience for myself. And that makes me genuinely sad, and yeah, like I said, bitter. 

And if you've looked at those (and maybe looked at other?) articles I linked, you'll see the word "accessibility" in some more than others. And my issue is that even the Reddit post by the person with a fine motor disability assumes everyone else can learn to play difficult games without any adaptations, and by implication, any video game out there. That every person who wants to experience the world-building, character development, design, etc. has the same level of capability, and not just when it comes to how "gud" they are, but physically. That any "can't" they encounter is one of the mind, basically. Kane uses the word "anyone" four times in his essay, which is a lot, considering really isn't all that long (certainly shorter than my stuff, womp-WOMP). And I sympathize with that Reddit user and am excited they have figured out how to get around their disability. But not "everyone" and not "anyone" can, and, the truth is, a lot legitimately can't- at least, not without help. 

ANYONE GETS TO PLAY

That's the rub with this "git gud" culture- it assumes everyone is on equal footing when it comes to the capability of completing a game (and having fun at it). As that definition I linked above goes on to say, it's implicitly ableist because of this- it disregards the possibility that the individual may have a disability by assuming "git gud" is what errbody should be doin'. Plus it can be just plain rude, too. I mean, I understand sometimes it's a joke between friends, but when someone earnestly asks for help online and a stranger says something like, "Huh, I thought that boss was super easy, beat 'im on my first try, I just ran in and whomped his ass, so maybe just git gud?" is not only super showoff-ee, but also extremely dismissive. But anyway, the ableist aspect is what I'm more focused on, here.

"Git gud" isn't the only ableist rhetoric in gaming. The erroneous and unfounded diagnoses of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) were frequently thrown at the women and people of color demanding more inclusivity in video games during GamerGate, as were countless insults involving "crazy" and "batshit," and threats of violence against some of the more outspoken members of the feminist community referenced being sure not to leave the victim "too retarded to be afraid of us." And as this great article in Disability Studies Weekly points out, using mental health diagnoses and rhetoric to discredit one's opponents is nothing new in general. But it's clearly nothing new to the gaming community specifically. I'm a "crazy-ass bitch" for saying games need more POC and women leads (true story), and "anyone" can "git gud," so inclusivity and accessibility aren't actually important- people are just using people with disabilities for their oppressive and "narcissistic" agendas.

Think back to the start of this post. What image popped in your head when I flashed "ACCESSIBILITY" in front of you? I think a lot of people would picture ramps, big bathroom stalls, curb cuts, maybe even the International Symbol of Access.

Was it anything like this, though?

If not, that's ok! It's why we're here. That right there is the XBox Adaptive Controller. It is designed to interface with assistive technology the user may already have (or can conveniently also purchase from Microsoft, 'natch!) in order to help people with physical/mobile disabilities play video games more easily. 

You see, accessibility in gaming goes so. Much. Farther. Than just difficulty level. It has to do with sound, with color, with text, with how the controls themselves work, with core aspects of functionality and gameplay in a lot of instances. Adaptive controllers can do wonders for helping people that cannot hold a standard controller correctly or (or use it efficiently or for very long as-is) play the same games as everyone else. Importantly, stuff like this isn't just beneficial for people with severe conditions that lead to paraplegia - I've had a few friends with various and severe conditions like chron's disease, different forms of arthritis, and other conditions that can lead to joint pain, fatigue, and nausea. Adaptive tech like this could help them play more games, and for longer stints. Adaptive tech can also help blind people play games, as well.

Which brings me to the highly anticipated The Last of Us Part II. CNet reported a few days ago that it is going to include massive accessibility customization, over sixty different in-game settings players can customize in order to accommodate a range of disabilities- visual, aural, mobile, and whatever combination present- so options go beyond just increasing subtitle size and changing the contrast, but completely altering what the buttons on the control do and which ones are even required. Players can choose from a handful of preset mods, then go into those and tweak them to tailor the game even closer to their needs. All of this will make Last of us II the most accessible game ever. 

For real, tho

This isn't the first time game studio Naughty Dog stepped up and made an exceptionally accessible game. As the story goes, one of their developers met Josh Straub, a game lover and game accessibility consultant with Cerebral Palsy, at a conference. At the event, he told this developer, Alexandria Neonakis, that while he loved the Uncharted series, he had been unable to finish Uncharted 2 because of a QuickTime sequence toward the end where button mashing was necessary to progress, but his CP made it impossible for him to do so. The experience of being unable to finish that game without help from an able-bodied friend led him to start his website where he and a colleague review games with a heavy emphasis on accessibility in mind. Telling Neonakis about it led to him being a consultant for Naughty Dog and, ultimately, one of the first AAA games to include an accessibility menu at all in 2016's Uncharted 4: A Thief's End (the honor of first goes to 2014's Destiny). 

And game developer behemoth Electronic Arts (EA) is dedicated to improving accessibility in its games, having gone so far as to create a position called "Accessibility Lead" in the company hierarchy itself. And what started as just a portal to provide accessibility feedback has led to an entire information warehouse, discussion board home, and troubleshooting community on their website. 

So this is great. A few steps forward for inclusivity and accessibility in video games.

But what sucks is it's taken this long for it to happen, and Naughty Dog's extensive accessibility menu shouldn't be unique or special, but the norm. And as awesome as it is for them and EA to go to such great lengths, not enough studios are doing so. Not enough games have options to change or get rid of QuickTime events like the one preventing Straub from finishing a game he had loved up until that moment. Not enough games have ways to change how the controller is used to accommodate mobility issues. Not enough games have ways to modify gameplay/combat in order to require less fine motor dexterity or allow for one-handed control use. And far too many games wait until months (or even years) after the original release to patch in mods as simple (and dare I say obvious?) as subtitle size changes, options that should be available from the start. 

Limited options, ironclad gameplay, minimal changes to controller configurations- stuff like this leads to people with disabilities either not playing, or having an experience much like Straub's, where they encounter a game mechanic/sequence they can't get past because its demands are outside the scope of their range of capability- and they have to quit. If you've ever rage quit a game because it was too difficult and don't have a disability, imagine how crappy people with disabilities feel when a game they were enjoying suddenly does a thing or has a sequence they just can't get past. 

Now THAT'S what I call a 
"SCREENSHOT'

Imagine knowing you can't even try a video game you were looking forward to because you're aware you won't be able to finish it.

So when talking about making an "easy" mode for a game, it isn't just about difficulty per se. If it can make gameplay less physically demanding on a player, more (not every, of course) people with disabilities may be able to give it a feasible try. Add to that the need for more adaptive hardware, and the issue becomes even more frustrating.  

So let's circle back to that XBox controller. Did you look at that price? Or the price of the accessories that go with? This is another huge problem: The lack of industry development revolving around accessibility means officially-licensed products are prohibitively expensive- and as of now, that XBox controller is the only one, although some ingenious people figured out how to make it work on the Nintendo Switch. And tools that aren't licensed (so, y'know, literally everything else) are entirely custom-made by individuals with disabilities themselves, those that care about them (as this article elucidates), or charity organizations specializing in making adaptive controllers and setups- so, again, pretty damn expensive. In other words, access to these accessibility tools is, ironically, extremely limited. 

And this is something that really needs to be worked on, too. Mods and settings in-game can only go so far to help people with severe enough physical disabilities play video games, and why should they be excluded from enjoying the same stories as "anyone" else? Adaptive and assistive technology is absolutely paramount to increased accessibility in video games. 

The good news is, Josh Straub isn't the only disability consultant out there specifically working with video game developers. One of the other most influential consultants is Ian Hamilton, who apparently got started after seeing kids playing a game he had been working on using adaptive/assistive technology, and now he has become a huge name in the industry. And these free-to-use Game Accessibility Guidelines are up and available for any developer to reference as they design their games. 

And as mentioned before, there are charities that offer adaptive and assistive technologies. AbleGamers is an American group that even has grants to help gamers pay for equipment; Special Effect is a UK-based charity that does the same. And there are lots of different reviewers focused on accessibility. Straub's website is focused on physical disability and console gaming; this gentleman, also with CP, focuses more on PC games and has just started consulting. Brandon Cole plays and reviews games (his current method of choice is PS4) as a blind player, and has also done lots of consulting (including with powerhouse Ubisoft), and he also co-founded a great site to help bring gamers with disabilities and their allies together. 

I do want to clarify something, here. I'm not saying me being a mediocre gamer is the same as having a disability and needing accommodations. (And like, come on, really? If you think that, you really need to read more of this blog because we obviously don't know each other in person and thus you have no idea who I am and what I'm like.) But what I am saying is creating more accessibility in games will allow far more people, disabled or not, enjoy them. And honestly, if nothing else, all that will do is increase profit margins for developers and studios, so aside from the humanistic perspective, there's the capitalist angle, too!

What can you do? Well, donate to those charities and anybody trying to freelance as a consultant or disabled game reviewer, for one. Also, be vocal, be it in person or online. If you see a feature in a game that would be great for someone with a particular disability, let the studio know! If you see something that wouldn't, let them know that, too. If you're a gamer and talking about development with a friend or group of friends, bring up accessibility. Educate them. And just...

JS, J.K.; Or, Digging In Your Prada Heels

Alright, here we go. I'm taking a break from looking for non-retail work to rant about something, and from the title, y'all can probably guess. 

I don't really want to "cancel" the woman, so much as just... ignore her. And I've felt this way for quite some time.

I saw the first Fantastic Beasts in theaters, but her treatment of indigenous cultures and the way she ignored the genocide colonists committed against them in the runup to its release was basically my last straw; and I only saw the movie in theaters because it was an event and something to do with some friends I rarely see anymore. I said I'd be willing to forgive her for it then, especially if she gave some sort of statement about it, but she never did. 

But that wasn't the first time she had racist stuff in her writing. There is a litany of problematic elements in the original books. But I, like so many others, needed her to hurt my own community to finally feel done. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not alone- myself and countless others had tried holding on because I/we cared so much about the series. It meant a lot to me. I had/have a treasure trove of positive memories associated with it, like attending midnight releases with friends, staying up until dawn reading with them, seeing my mom with my copy of the newest one, her waving it in the parking lot as I got off a bus from a trip and had thought said copy would get sold. 

But I just can't anymore. And even after ranting about that promotional material for Fantastic Beasts, I hoped maybe she would improve. And even as various TERFys things cropped up, I continued to hope, hope she'd apologize, hope she'd say, "Thank you, fans, for showing me what an arsehole I was being."

As the recent media storm indicates, she did not. 

I feel ya, Minerva

I'm not even going to include a link to her huge rant/"response." She doesn't deserve the clicks. But a few thoughts I want to share, for those that care what I think. I'm quoting from memory, here, so don't get all in a tizzy if I don't get things exact. And one more quick thing: I obviously don't think she should get death threats or receive some of the vitriol she has- I'm never a proponent of mud- and poo-slinging, regardless. That doesn't mean I have to agree with her, though. 

1) I think it's important to note that when she lists the "experts" she's spoken to, particularly those supporting her, the parameters that qualify them aren't specified. When it comes to how she "informed" her opinion, she doesn't elucidate any of the information she received- which means either A., they were just members of the echo chamber, parroting back the same unfounded, hyperbolized, strawman-ee arguments as her, or B., she purposely, consciously ignored any contradictory info. She just says she talked to them, which doesn't mean crap. You can't cite a source in your bibliography without having an in-text citation, too- that crap will get your journal article sent back in the scientific community. There's a reason she's being cagy about what these people purportedly taught her.

And when it comes to the "flood of support," or however she put it, she's pretty vague about where it came from. She could be talking about janitors or cashiers, for all we know- and I am not the only person to notice this. (This is the only overlap I've included, simply because I viewed it in a slightly different way from Mr. Carter- other than that, I'm deliberately going for things he didn't, since his analysis is pretty bangin', y'all.) And importantly, the sources of that "flood of support" differ substantially from where she "got information"- which again, implies echo-chamber. She doesn't say psychologists or medical experts were rushing to her defense, nor does she mention trans groups as doing so. It's fishy, to say the least, and it all speaks to willful ignorance, be it through selective source-seeking or selective belief, or some combination of the two; and the crowd "supporting" her is kinda duh. They're TERFS, too, given the stuff she says they're "concerned" about.

2) She brings up her charities, in a very gatekeeper-ee way. Basically saying, "I only want girls and women assigned that sex at birth and stay that way AlWayZZ to receive charity when in times of crisis." Cool. This is akin to the whole drug testing for social assistance thing some states have passed here. It's a way of passing judgment, of saying it isn't about categorical entitlement, but "worthiness" based on morality. And of course, it's exclusionary- it's saying trans women and girls don't "count" as women and girls. Nevermind that trans people disproportionally live in poverty. Nevermind that nearly half of trans and nonbinary people have been verbally harassed or sexually assaulted, and OVER half have experienced homelessness (source). Since they're trans women/girls, they aren't real women/girls, so they don't deserve her help. See what I'm getting at?

3) She pulls the "I have a trans friend" argument, which, come on. That's so last century, amirite? But just before that, she says she's "met young trans people" that were "adorable." And this bothered me a lot, for some reason. I guess the way I see it, she doesn't care about their character, who they are as people- they're just cute stuffed animals she can "aaaw" at, or at best, silly little kids that don't really know what they're talking about but are just so dang cute for Having Opinions. It dehumanizes, infantilizes them. And no, this isn't to say trans people can't be adorable (they totally can! just like any person!), but, when you're supposedly discussing why you "aren't" a TERF, reducing the trans people you've "met" simply to "adorable" and having that be the only basis for you obviously not being anti-trans, it demonstrates there is absolutely zero depth to your understanding of trans identities.

4) A huge part of her rant is the handwringing over "safety" in bathrooms. This boggart has been debunked and disproven so many gorram times I am not going to bother looking up any sources or statistics or whatever. If you don't believe me, you're probably on her side, anyway, so even if I did give you some sources, you'd handwave them away. Because that's what people like her do.

5) This next one is the hardest, on a personal level. She vaguebooks about sexual assault and spousal abuse, and while I don't think she's obligated to give graphic details of what happened, she jumps quite quickly from bringing up said history to the bathroom stuff and the "threat" that "any man pretending to be trans" can pose to "biological women." And this... It doesn't sit right with me, as a survivor. And I want to start off by saying a few things about her opening up about it before getting into why I'm upset about it. 

I hate that it happened to her. I've been there, more than once. I sympathize, empathize with her. Rape, sexual assault, abuse, etc.- I wouldn't wish any of it on the worst human being in the world, even a middle-aged white lady that is oblivious to how bigoted she is (or doesn't give a crap). It breaks my heart it happened to her, and I hope she can find healing someday, however possible. 

Because while yes, it's understandable to be an advocate against sexual assault in general because you yourself were assaulted, it's preposterous to assume every member of a group is going to do everything they can to sneak up on women and rape them. Not to mention unhealthy- for the person making that leap, not to mention the people it's about. Her equating her own experience with the "threat" of "fake trans" folks is projection, sick, sick projection, and indicative that she has not received adequate mental health support in the wake of her assault and abusive ex. Because any mental health professional worth their credentials would recognize the false equivalency and work her through it, help her overcome it. And it's all kinds of disgusting that I even need to say this, but, here you go, Rowling:

TRANS≠ RAPIST

I mean...

Duh?

 

And also, there isn't some army of dudes running around in dresses in the hopes to assault women. Again...

What she said

But seriously, the fact that she strongly insinuates that when she's triggered, her head goes to the "trans threat" or whatever... Maybe the perpetrator was a dude pretending to be trans (because again, since she's pretty vague, it's unclear to me if her ex-husband was the one who also sexually assaulted her- which is totally possible). I can understand that making things hard for her at first. But like I said, if she had a therapist of any quality, her false equivalency would have come up. And who knows? If she did see somebody and they did say, "Hey, let's try to parse that and figure out how to move beyond it," and she quit them because she'd rather hold onto her bigotry, well... I can genuinely see that as a Thing. But chances are, it somehow conveniently never came up in sessions (because she knows it's hogwash), or, and this is the most likely, she never actually got any help to begin with.

And while infuriating, it's also ridiculously sad. Because here is this woman, and she's harbored this narrative for years that this whole classification of people are potential rapists*, and every time she thinks of them or sees a member of the group, she's triggered. It's kind of tragic, in a way, because as society moves forward and more and more people are comfortable with transitioning, she's going to have a pretty difficult time of it.

But. 

It's up to her to get past it. If it's genuinely, 100% a result of trauma she hasn't dealt with in a healthy fashion, she needs to- God knows she has the money, and anyway, she lives in a country where healthcare, including mental health services, is free. And if she deliberately avoided the topic of trans fear when seeking help, then shame on her.

But then the most cynical read of her offering this window into her past is: She's playing the Victim Card. By this, I mean she's basically saying, "Since I was sexually assaulted and my ex-husband abused me, I want to do everything I can to prevent other [biological] women from going through it, too, so let's talk about trans people."Asserting her status as a survivor is a method of virtue signaling, intended to give her the space to vomit her hatred onto the public with impunity. I mean, how could a rape survivor and domestic abuse victim have discriminatory thoughts vis a vis womanhood? She's so brave for coming forward, she must be onto something, right? 

And the mere potentiality of this makes me sick to my stomach. And I hope to God it isn't true, because then she's even more despicable than any of us can imagine. 

But it was really hard for me to ignore this interpretation as I was reading her garbage. Her tone is extremely holier-than-thou, especially when she pivots from her history and back to "trans" (scare quotes because again, the bathrooms are a straw-man) stuff. It felt to me as if she believed her status as a survivor made her untouchable, so she can say whatever the eff she wants. And there is a huge difference between being proud of how far you've come and being full of yourself for it. There's a condescension to it, really. "Given my past, I want all biological women like me to be safe, so we can't let all these trannies** run around freely, and obviously if you don't agree with me you think innocent women just going to the loo deserve to be raped." I've seen her smirk before, and I legit pictured it on her face during this part of the essay. 

6) I'm not going to dwell, but she's super conflating sex with gender. I'm sure someone else somewhere called her on it, but keep in mind all of the "biological this" and "biological that" crap is her approach not mine. And that in itself is a super TERFy thing to do, m'lady. 

JS, J.K. JS.

7) Overall, keep in mind she never once apologizes or even ponies up to the harm she's caused real trans people anywhere in the essay. The entire thing is an exercise in justification, not dialogue. I don't even want to call it a "reason" for her beliefs. It's too hyper-defensive for that. The "research" she's done, the fact that SHE HAS A TRANS FRIEND, ZOMG, the waves of support from "experts," the fact that she "just has biological women's best interests at heart-" she provides this battery of... bleh... to convince the reader she's right, and with huge moral and ethical implications underscoring the whole exercise. That's justification, not explanation. 

And she believes it, fully and utterly. She sees herself as the last bastion of defense, as the leader of some righteous army that will defend the battlements at all costs. She's basically Jack Nicholson:

Plus, by not bothering to address any fans she's upset or hurt, by scoffing at the idea that her words likely contributed to at least some of the trans suicide attempts in recent years, she's telling them she doesn't give a shit about them. They don't exist to her. Their lives aren't important or of any value.

They're trans. They're adorable, but they aren't human.

And this is probably the worst crime of all. Especially given how she had us all convinced she was a champion for the weirdos and the queers, for the unseen and the unheard. We thought we had an all-powerful ally in her. But it turned out, she was the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing, and figuring that out, that in itself has hurt vast numbers of people. People that believed in her. In the stories she gave us. 

She had an opportunity to be a better person, and she doubled down. She dug her designer heels in and said, "Nope, actually, I'm better than all of you."

I may never read the Harry Potter books again. And while that makes me sad, I'm ok with it. There are so many other series out there, series that aren't embedded with racist dribble, that aren't by raging TERFs. 

Would you like some recommendations? I'll end this depressing post with a list of fiction series I adore and hope you'll look into, if you're unfamiliar. This list isn't exhaustive, is in no particular order, and a few of them are still ongoing, but hey. Maybe you'll find something to enjoy here.

-The Old Kingdom series by Garth Nix. Tim Curry even did the audiobooks of the original trilogy, folks. The way magic works is in itself enough to make it worth it, but he does such a great job with so much more. The second book even deals with suicidal ideation, something you RARELY see in fantasy. It's geared towards YA, but that hasn't stopped me from keeping up with the current releases.

-The Blood and Gold series, by Kim Wilkins. Amazing feminist fantasy about a set of royal sisters. There are moments that have made me cry, laugh, and freak out for someone's safety. Wilkins is particularly skilled at changing her writing style to suit the character whose perspective we're getting, something I've seen lesser authors stumble with before. 

-The Chronicle of the Unhewn Throne by Brian Staveley. A million times better than Game of Thrones. And the supernatural big bad actually matters. WHAT?!

-The Acacia series by Anthony Durham. Solid high fantasy. The characters really shine, too.

-Literally anything with Neil Gaiman's name attached. Seriously. Anything.

-The Dandelion Dynasty, by Ken Liu. Silkpunk. If you're unfamiliar with the genre, get familiar. 

-The Fern Capel series by Jan Siegel. Atlantis! Witches! Dwarves! Morgan le Fay...? She somehow manages to mesh Arthurian legend with traditional British folklore, Atlantis, and urban fantasy in a way that sticks with you when you're finished reading.

-The Earthsea cycle. I may not think it's quite as feminist as everyone says it is, but damned if LeGuinn didn't write prose so beautiful and smooth you could hold a curling tournament on top of it. 

-Shades of Magic by V.E. Schwab. Oh boy, this one is so unique. Alternate dimensions, smuggling, universal peril. I don't want to give too much away, just give it a shot.

-Sailor Moon by Naoko Takeuchi. Make fun of me, idgaf.

-Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan. Easy, fun reads. Kid-friendly, too. 

-Anything by N.K. Jemison. Her works also stand for themselves.

-The Sevenwaters series by Juliet Marillier. It starts as a retelling of the Hans Christian Anderson tale "The Seven Swans," but expands into a pretty amazing epic set in ancient Ireland. It's like what The Mists of Avalon could have been, if there were a ton more books, and if the author wasn't a pedophile. ::cries::

-Any series by David Eddings. His stories themselves get kind of formulaic at times, but he was superb at bringing characters to life, and the stakes are always what you'd expect in epic fantasy- end-of-the-world sort of stuff with a Reluctant Hero. 

-The Land of Elyon series by Patrick Carman. Written for kids, but I totally read them as an adult with zero children and adored them.

-Un Lun Dun by China Mieville. Standalone, but I couldn't not include it. It's awesome. And also kid-friendly.

-Keys to the Kingdom series, also by Garth Nix. This one's a bit more youthful, but just as rich. Nix is an incredible worldbuilder, and that comes out just as well here as the aforementioned Old Kingdom. I appreciated how his main character this time had a disability, too- asthma. 

-An Ember in the Ashes series by Sabaa Tahir. An amazingly rich world, compelling characters, and legit twists and turns, along with political intrigue. I haven't read the last book yet, but by golly, I need to.

*And I genuinely do NOT want to hear about how "all men are potential rapists, though!" because they aren't. You come at me with that, I will block your ass.

**Used for effect- I would never use it casually. Trust me.

Goodbye, River

I missed a call on the 3rd from a friend that usually doesn't call, so I knew something serious was going on. My immediate thought was, "It's either [abusive ex-boyfriend] or River." The former because she's my ex's brother's ex (that's how we met!), but still has occasion to see him sometimes, since she goes to his favorite bar sporadically; and the latter because I rehomed River with her two years ago.

That's right. I said before how I had to make the right choices with respect to her when I was in Indiana. I did my best to do the same once I moved to Seattleish. And there reached a point where I was working so much and my commute was so long that she was locked up/alone for far more than is fair for any dog, let alone one with her energy level. These are the two last pictures I took of her when she still lived with me:

I thought she was making funny faces at me at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized this was pretty much the only face she was making anymore.

She was miserable. And even though it wasn't really a fault of mine, it was my responsibility to do something about it. 

Mina, the friend I mentioned above, was working as a bartender at the time, and thus had hours far more conducive to spending quality time with River every day. River adored her (she's actually one of the few females River was clingy with- she usually gravitated towards dudes when I had people over, but she always hovered around Mina when she visited with that ex-kinda-brother-in-law), and she adored River, and was really good with animals and had a great head on her shoulders about them (even worked at a pet store every now and then to help her friend, the owner, out). 

So when I posted something about finding a new home for River on Facebook and Mina responded, I jumped on it- I knew River would be happy (once she got over me leaving her), loved, and well cared for.

So I did it. It was a million times harder and more painful than leaving that abusive ex. But I did it, because it was the best thing for her. My living situation/lifestyle was unfair to her, and I had to make the right choice as a parent. I couldn't take care of her anymore, not in the way she deserved and needed. And I knew Mina could and would.

I was a mess for a few weeks after- I spent maybe one or two nights at home alone because it hurt so much to not have her in bed with me. Instead, I spent as much time at my boyfriend's, or him at mine, as I could possibly muster.

Ironically, due to happenstance, I ended up moving in with them a few months later as I waited for my his lease to be up so he and I could move in together. 

And boy was she salty at first. Which is classic River. LOOK AT THIS FACE, THIS IS THE FACE OF UTTER DISDAIN:

In the background, there, you can see Kashyyyk, the puppy one of the other peeps at the house got not too long after I moved in. River was so good with him, it was adorable to see them together. But anyway, I took this one day as I was trying to get her to join me on the couch. She refused. Which says a lot about how hurt she was, given the plethora of pictures my Facebook had been loaded with of her literally laying on top of me. 

It took her almost half a year to deign to sit next to me, and one night that Mina was out of town and I tried to get River to sleep in my room, she wouldn't. Even after moving out, I'd come over to spend time with Mina (and River!!!), and she'd let me pet her and stuff, but she wouldn't sit next to me (let alone on me). And she wasn't nearly as enthusiastic about me showing up than she'd been when I'd get home before rehoming her, nor as she'd get when guests, even ones she was familiar with, would show up.

In other words, I don't think she ever forgave me. And even though I know I did the right thing, and that Mina was the absolute best dog mom I could have found, that will always hurt. She had been my baby girl, the entire center of my world, and she remained bitter about me giving her up. And no, I don't blame her for this- honestly, her ability to act so human was one of the things I'll always love about her. 

So that phone call on the 3rd. I returned it, and Mina told me that River had an inoperable tumor. That she was in a lot of pain. That the best thing was to let her go, and she, Mina, wanted me there, and that River probably would, too.

So I dropped everything and went. To hell with social distancing.

When I got there, she was an entirely different dog. She looked ten years older, with grey hair and patches where she was almost bald. The tumor was in her stomach area, and while I had thought she had just grown chonky (which is apparently what Mina and her usual vet thought at first, too), it was actually the tumor itself, collecting all of her blood. And as I got closer, I could tell- the rest of her was rail thin and waif-like, but her torso was huge. Her eyes were the saddest I'd ever seen them. Her movement was slow and ginger, like every step hurt. 

This is my last picture of her.

I don't know if she could tell she was dying, or if it was the painkillers she was on, but she was a lot more willing to receive affection and attention from me. I hope it was more like she was willing to put the pain I put her through aside and accept the love I was trying to show her. It's selfish, but I'm grateful for it. I wouldn't be surprised if it was because she sensed I needed that. She was always good at telling what her hoomans needed.

We spent some time together, Mina and I going back and forth between hugging each other and crying and hugging River and crying, and eventually, it came time to take her. My boyfriend had arrived by then, and I asked him to drive, since God knows I wouldn't be able to. He did so, a fucking champ and hero, and I would not have made it through all of that without him.

They let Mina and me be with her. And even when in immense pain, even when barely there, she was still....

Just so River.

To start, the first dose of anesthesia wasn't enough. Just when Mina and I thought she was asleep, the nurse knocked and she grunted in the way she did when she was annoyed, her, "Ex-CUSE me, sir/madam?" We laughed.

Then, even once asleep, the nurse could not find her vein to insert the catheter- just so damn stubborn! This also brought a few chuckles. The vet had to do it, and even she seemed to have more trouble than she wanted to admit.

And then, she was gone. Mina and I stayed with her after it was over for a good twenty minutes. And as we were walking out...

...I could smell one of her dank farts. As if she was saying goodbye with style, a style particular to her.

And it made me laugh, through the tears. Through the sobs I was shaking with, I laughed. 

And that, that was River. 

She was silly. She was goofy. She was sweet. She was exceptionally empathetic. 

And she crop dusted with the skill of a stealth assassin.

She was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. This is her in that same sweater, the first one I ever got her:

I'm so, so grateful she and Mina found each other. One of the comforts I've taken in this, and something I remind Mina of when she needs it (and Mina, if you're reading this, I mean it), is that her time with Mina was filled with joy and love. Mina fell in love with her just as I had, and cared for her as if River was her own kid, too. She, too, made sacrifices for River's sake, because she was being the best parent she knew how. River loved her, so much, and it was obvious to anyone who didn't know her, and especially obvious to me, someone that knew her so well. I saved River once, but when I was failing her, Mina saved her again.

River was one of the best things to have ever happened to me. I'm having a hard time finishing this in a cohesive way, but I think the best I can do is say I'll always miss her. I had to say goodbye once, and while at first, I thought that made this easier, I think I was kidding myself.

Because it hurts. It hurts so much. 

I've gone back and read old posts in which she features heavily, and they've made me laugh. If you're interested, check these out, too:

About a month after she came home with me.

She used to make me feel better.

River poopin'.

I was lucky to have her.

I talk here a bit about cuddling with her in bed.

She managed to make a super deep moment for me hilarious. 

Fighting with mosquitos while waking your dog is rough, yo.

River hears neighbors banging (not on doors) and gets confused. 

Again, River helped me choose happiness. 

Goodbye, River. You were the perfect dog for me. I'm sorry I couldn't be the perfect mom for you. I did my best, and even though it hurt you, I had to do right by you. So I'm happy you found Mina- she was the best mom you could have had once I let you down. We'll both always love you. 

I'm glad the pain is gone. Do lots of zoomies in the clouds, and roll around on your back as much as you want now.

But don't stink up heaven too much with your flatulence, ok? No innocent look will get you off the hook, young lady!

I stand corrected. 

I love you, River. Goodbye, sweet girl.

Song Challenge Day 10: A Song That Makes You Sad

Sorry, y'all, but since day 10 is "A song that makes you sad," today's entry in this song challenge is going to be kind of depressing. I'm going to go ahead now and say

Content Warning: Suicide

I'm going with this one; this is the official music video, but for the full version, go here. As a small aside, I never understood why Amos looks... turned on? during the video, given 1) the subject matter, and 2) how sad/emotional she sounds in the recording.

You can probably guess if you know me or have followed my blog for a while, but this song makes me think of my dad for myriad reasons. No, we didn't have ice and snow everywhere in Las Vegas when I was growing up (although yes, we did actually go to indoor ice skating rinks sometimes), and I never needed mittens. But a few things aside from it being about the relationship between a father and child, things from the general to the specific, make this song hit me hard.

-The general melancholic sound, and the regretful tone and implication from the lyrics as a whole, parallel my feelings about Dad. I regret never repairing the damage that had been done, bridging the gap that opened when he and my mom got divorced. It is a wound I will carry until I die, and I know there was nothing I could have done, not really- he made his own choices, and they led to his untimely death. But I'll always wonder, what would have happened if I had reached out? What if I had tried to help him in that last year or two? Etc. And this line of questioning will haunt me the rest of my life. Thinking of Dad can sometimes lead to a smile, but it still more often than not just makes me sad. So, too, does the song, then.

-The path the music follows parallels the trajectory of Dad's decline. It starts subtle, gets more and more profound, reaches a high point of drama and bombast, and then fades away. Dad's end started when I was a teenager, as his drinking gradually increased and his behavior became more and more erratic and toxic. At its worst, its peak, he ended his life in the most violent way possible, a gun to the head. And in the aftermath, he didn't even have a memorial service because the way in which he died was too traumatic for his mom or sister (the latter of which found him) to hold one. It's objectively sad (as objective as "sad" can be, anyway), and ultimately, the way the song ends reflects the way my dad's story ended- quietly, nigh imperceptibly. 

-The line in the chorus, "When you gonna love you as much as I do?" basically speaks for itself. I never stopped loving him, and I wish to God he had loved himself enough to not do what he did. Half. If he had loved himself half as much as I did, as I do, he very well may be here still. And I think that's one of the parts that makes it hurt the most. That he was in so much pain, had that much hate for himself and his life, that he felt the best course was to end it. The Dad that broke his toe to avoid stepping on and snapping my Barbie in half. The same Dad that kept me home from school to play video games with him. The same Dad that loved me so much he refinanced his house to help me pay for college. It breaks my heart over and over to think of it.

-"So many dreams on the shelf...You say I wanted you to be proud of me." Of course I wanted him to be proud. And as he started fading, it seemed harder and harder to do. There was one instance where I felt I let him down completely: During my sophomore year, I was accepted into an exchange program with American University in D.C. to study government and civics, and I was also offered an internship in then-Senator Harry Reid's D.C. office for the duration of the exchange. In the end, despite my dean of students personally talking to my college's financial aid as well as American University's, our family just couldn't afford it because AU was that much more expensive and that much more stingy with financial aid. So, I declined both offers. And I remember one evening, my first break home after the decision, where Dad, having been drinking, told me how disappointed he was that I didn't go, and how sorry he was that we couldn't find a way to afford it. He didn't blame me specifically, but I felt like by not agreeing to triple my loans in order to make it possible, I had disappointed him more than anyone else ever had. He said he wanted me to do great things, knew I could, if I "just tried." He was sure I would be super successful someday, and someday soon, and not going to D.C. made him question that assertion, out loud and in front of me, no less. And it always felt to me that that conversation was the tipping point where he started to disdain me, too. And I'll forever wonder what would have happened between us if I had worked it out somehow, had taken more loans to cover living expenses and food and had actually gone to D.C. (never mind the different path my career could have taken). I gave up on that dream, and it disappointed him. This is just one example, but overall, considering I'm still working retail and in school, I have no doubt he'd still be disappointed in me, at least a little. And that makes me feel gross about myself.

I could go on, but I'm so damn sick of being sad, I need to end this post now. But yeah, "Winter" is my go-to "I-wanna-be-sad" song. I miss my Dad. I regret how things ended. My mind and heart are awash with a million "what-if"s. I miss my Dad. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for so many things I could have done differently. I know I can't change them, but if I could, I would. 

Song Challenge Day 9: A Song That Makes You Happy

Back again. Day 9, "A song that makes you happy."

I'm going with a song I've honestly never heard on the radio, but that's been in a bunch of movies and shows, one you've probably heard yourself and have no idea who it's by or what it's called. 

To my shame, I've never bothered listening to anything else by Rusted Root who, apparently, were quite prolific before going on hiatus. 

So anyway, this song is super peppy and Cheery. It may not have much in terms of lyrical complexity, but it just brings sunshine into the room whenever it's playing. And it doesn't sound like it's trying too hard, which I think is why it doesn't annoy me. I mean, I can't listen to more than one ABBA song without wanting to puke, but this can play on a loop. It's relaxed, pleasant. 

There are a lot of sad songs out there, and a lot of reasons to be sad right now. This song is a great one to lift the spirits. 

Day 8: A Song About Drugs or Alcohol

Alrighty, day 8, "A song about drugs or alcohol."

I went back and forth over a lot of options, but I think I have to settle on this one, here:

"Roc Boys" is one of Jay-Z's songs inspired by the film American Gangster, on the album of the same name. (For unedited, click here.) I highly recommend both the film and the album it inspired. 

Given the premise of the film, and how Jay-Z was basically remaking the movie in his music, yeah, this song is about drugs- specifically the selling of them, and riding the success thereafter. 

And while no, I obviously don't condone drug rings, this song is ridiculously catchy, and I love it. I don't think I've made a mix CD since I bought the American Gangster album that doesn't include "Roc Boys" on it (and I make them every few months).