What Makes Me Feel Better

I got (what could be) some really shitty news today while at one of my best friend's bridal showers. If you know me well enough and have the balls to ask, go ahead. I still may not want to tell you anyway, but don't take it personal. I don't like burdening people with my problems, and anyway, it's pretty fucking personal to me, this shit.

Butbutbut. I thought I'd take this chance to talk about what makes me feel better when I'm down. 

##Right now, the first thing is cuddling my dog, River. I took this picture specifically for this blog post (she's licking my ear right now, I can barely type)

Yes, that's the Batman blanket (and my knee) (and yes, those are Tigger pajama pants)- I'm telling you, she's MY dog. Heh. She can tell when my rommie or I are sad. She was totally cuddling all over my roommie this morning because she was down, too. (And rommie is great now, no worries, there, heh.) River is my little batangel. 

##I also like to bake when it's stress that has me bogged down, too. I haven't baked very much this semester, prolly just because I've been so crazy busy. Which is slightly ironic- I'm unable to do what helps me de-stress, and stressed because of it. Oh, life, how cyclical thou art, sometimes.

##Watching a few old movies, ones with sentimental, nostalgic value. A few of the titles (and there are a few more) are The Nightmare Before Christmas and The Last Unicorn. I associate these movies with times in my childhood where I felt safe and loved. They help me escape back to that feeling, even when I'm going through things that, were I to think of them, I'd be crazy not to feel the opposite. 

##Old books. I only have a few novels I reread, one of which is also The Last Unicorn, but this is also why I just bought my two favorite children's stories, Many Moons and The Hundred Dresses. Like with the movies, only more so, because not only do I escape to my own, safe world in the past, but also into the worlds of the books. I dive more into the worlds of books than movies or TV shows. And I doubt I'm the only person that does this, but still. If I'm being honest, may as well practice full disclosure, too. Sorta. ;)

##Spending time with friends. That's usually pretty helpful. If I put on the happy face long enough, I get so caught up in the act that I forget what had me sad, at least for a little while. This is partially why I know I prolly shouldn't live alone. Last semester, when my roommate was in PA with her husband, was probably one of the hardest of my life- being alone during all of the terrible stuff I was going through made it all even worse. And even though I don't tell her everything, just having her in the next room or across the hall gives me comfort. Thanks, roommie. And I'm sorry. I'm an extremely codependent person, to the point where I realize it's a character flaw. So I try not to be too much of a burden on the people I care about. But just being around them, even when I don't let on that I'm sad and they don't even know about it, helps me deal. That's just how I roll, y'all.

##Peanut butter. 'Nough said, amirite?

##Comics. I'm currently reading these. I think because comics (at least the ones I read) are about people that see problems and fix them. And I want to do that with my life. It's sort of aspirational reading. No, I have no intention of donning a cowl and jumping from building to building- I wouldn't look good in spandx, and anyway, I'd fall on my fat ass if I tried to do anything more than go up and down the stairs with anything above a fast jog, let alone jump and tuck and roll and fight baddies. 

##Video games. I'm glad I broke down over Thanksgiving weekend (fuck yeah Black Friday sales, bitcheeeeeez!) and bought a PS3. I may only play for a few minutes, but the focus I need to get shit done in the game lets me lose myself in that world and forget the pain or whatever shittyass shit is going on.

##Doing laundry (and usually with something on the TV or a podcast going). I know, I know, that's kinda weird, but I love doing laundry. I like the scents and warmth and softness of the fabrics when they're fresh out of the dryer, and the routine, rhythmic nature of folding/hanging stuff requires just enough mental power to, again, lose myself. But I can still take in what's going on at the moment, so yeah, I usually have something on TV or listen to the Overthinkingit podcast (which in the case of the latter has, on occasion, got me in trouble, because I've missed small portions of the conversation and posted walls of text on their comment pages that I wouldn't have needed to, had I caught those parts... ahem...).

##Doing dishes, and for similar reasons as the laundry. Again, kinda weird. But I like the smell of dish soap, and the feel of the water on my hands. And, to be a little deeper, I feel like the act of cleaning things is somewhat metaphoric for cleaning myself. For whatever reason, I have a lot of guilt in my heart and soul, and maybe that's partially why I'm so Hell-bent on helping others. Like I have something to make up for, and what it is, I have no fucking clue. But anyhoo, so seeing that the dishes go from dirty to clean is a way of seeing that I've somehow fixed something, made something useful again. It's ritualistic, familiar, and safe.

##Singing. I rarely get to do this one, probably THE only bad thing about having a roommate. It's not that I'm bad at it (although no, I'd never win Star Search or American Idol or whatever). I'm self-conscious. I especially don't sing on command, so unless it's the random breaking-into-song-that-isn't-really-meant-to-sound-good (which I do when hanging out with people- oh yes, oh yes), or at a party and I've had a little bit to drink and it's a song I like (which also does happen), or karaoke, I don't do it around others. Because when I sing, really sing, I sing what's in my heart. As a consequence, the last time I sang "for" someone, it got broken*. But still, I sing to myself when I'm alone, and even if there are tears, they're the healing kind.

I don't want to end this on a depressing... note... HAHAHA!

So um... CUTE BABY!!!

*And maybe someday, I'll trust someone new enough to sing "for" them.  I hope I do, anyway. I want to sing for someone. With all of my heart, however damaged it may be.**

**Wow, I sound like an emo kid. Yeesh. Oh well, YOLO.